To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

I agree DH would see kids at MILs house and she would look after them

My kids are just a bit older and youngest just moved out, so maybe I am remembering their younger years with rose colored glasses but I genuinely enjoyed the trips to the park, crafts together, cubs and girl scouts, water parks, etc. I did frequently feel overwhelmed as a single parent and do remember craving some alone time back then. Could it just be that things are lopsided right now and you aren't having any "me time" to recharge your batteries? Can you work out a schedule with DH so that this becomes a reality and see if it helps? , I do mean specifically leave the DC with the DH and leave the house and invest some time in yourself the way you do for all of them. Take a class, read a book, take a walk in the park, get your nails painted, take a yoga class, etc, It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it by yourself and for yourself. And try not to make excuses for why this can't happen, just do it. Try it and re-evaluate how you feel in a few weeks. If things are no better then get a physical with bloodwork - many physical ailments express themselves as boredom and depression and benefit massively from proper treatment and/or medication. Good luck!

Looking after pre-schoolers is nothing short of hard graft. All.The.Time. It only gets marginally easier when they start primary. It’s the hardest job going, in fact. It is occasionally enjoyable but to be honest in my experience I find myself occupying a space somewhere in between boredom & panic, depending on the circumstances of the day - I’ll take the boredom over the panic because the panic means illness, or an accident whereas boredom usually means settled but repetitive

I get that thinking about tackling your husband feels too big a thing at the moment.

But you need to start making practical changes

1. After school today put on the TV, ignore the kids and have a rest.
2. Cook one meal that all four of you eat together.
3. Nine o'clock lights off children in bed.
4. Book a babysitter for one evening next week and arrange to see a friend or do a yoga class. Explain to your husband that you can't know if he will be back from work in time so you have booked a babysitter arriving at 6.30

@Milkminder

If I stop doing Dh’s washing he’ll take it to his mum’s! That’s what he did when I had a c section after dc2 and dc1.

The thought of having sex with someone so incompetent that they can’t wasn’t their own clothes makes me feel physically sick. What’s the point of him?

Wash*

Ds used to have rugby on a Sunday morning and I’d take them both but it’s stopped over the pandemic and I’m not keen to go back because it was a pain with dc2 as well. Two hours of trying to keep them entertained

Why would you need to keep both entertained if one is doing rugby (I presume an activity with people who supervise and teach.
Either leave Dd at home and go and have a leisurely hour or so to yourself once you have dropped Ds or take Dd and go and get a coffee and a cake with her and have a chat before going to pick up Ds.
I couldn’t think of anything worse than to hang around a rugby pitch watching and trying to entertain a bored child.

“Milkminder

But my daughter will still have to go - possibly alone - and that’s even worse. Her brother doesn’t have to go but I send her? “

Did you say this because of his temper and because he is scary and “shouts a lot”?

If you could give a percentage to describe the level of concern you would feel leaving your daughter alone with him ( when she is not asleep) what would that percentage be?

@Poppy1968 was that necessary? Have you actually read the thread?

I think you're doing too much for the children, and could drop some and make time for yourself.

Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

From this list I would:
Drop listening to DC2 read
Go to the park, but spend some of your time there reading a book
Cook one meal for everyone
Not do the craft with DC2
Not play cricket with DC1 unless I wanted to
Not play a board game with DC1

I'd still do the rest. That's pretty much what I did with my 3 - I also worked, and DH was away on business a lot, and there's only so much you can do and remain sane.

Mine are all now late teens and appear undamaged by the fact that I didn't do things with them all day every day.

@Milkminder, others have said it but I just want to stress you are not shielding your children from this. If they are not currently aware how useless you husband is and how downtrodden you are they will soon. And it’s not going to get any better for yourself. I grew up in a household with a good as absent father (i’m almost certain he doesn’t know how to cut up and onion or turn on the washing machine) and a burnt out, miserable mother. It was toxic, my brother and I felt for years like we had ruined my mother’s life, as we were too young to realise it was their relationship dynamic all along. My mother never divorced my father for a lot of the same reasons you stated. They still live under the same roof in their 70s and they still can’t really stand each other. It’s beyond depressing. Please don’t sacrifice your own misery for protecting the children as sadly, you are protecting no one. You and the children deserve better x

OP you've had a lot of advice on here. Reading your posts about your DH are depressing but there ARE things you can do that will make your life less relentless.

Just stop doing so much with the DC. STOP. They do not need nightly crafts and board games and cricket games and all the rest of it. They really, really don't. Be honest with them and just say, no thank you, I don't want to play with you now, I need some time on my own.

I get that you probably feel guilty that their father is so useless that you're probably trying to be supermum to make up for it, but actually in the long term that's not necessarily the right tactic.

I’d talk to your DH about helping you by taking the kids out for a few hours at weekends if you can, as it seems you’re doing a lot of the grunt work. Alternatively just take them to activities or do stuff with them on one of the weekend days. Tell them to go and play with their toys and then plonk them in front of the telly for a while.
Not surprising you’re finding it a drag as it sounds like you’re going above and beyond, especially given you’re working. You’re probably exhausted mentally and physically.
Kids spent the vast majority of the time bored shedless when I was a kid. Now we seem to be expected to entertain them every minute. Even their home work has become the parents responsibility. Little kids rarely got homework anyway then. It makes me laugh to think about if my parents had been expected done all that for me snd my siblings! No chance lol

I don’t understand why you’re with him. I’m not one for saying LTB but wow she me of the things you’ve written are so sad.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Imagine scenarios either staying or leaving him.

She me = some
Stupid autocorrect

What makes you think he would have your kids 50% of the time? Men like this will use this as a threat, but realistically he has not wanted to make the effort to parent up until now so it's very unlikely that he would change if you left him. He will still make zero effort with them.

Don't expose your kids to this any longer.

OP, I tend to have responsibility for the children during the week (apart from a couple of evenings where my DH takes my oldest to football/cubs: etc. We have an understanding that I have some time at the weekend away from being the primary care giver to our kids. Albeit much of my "free" time is taken up with household chores. Could you come to a similar arrangement with your DH? Frankly, even time to clean the house and do the laundry without kids around your ankles can be a welcome break.

I also find it a lot easier to create little adventures for my kids (the youngest always wants to keep up with his elders lol). Nature trails, muddy play, pretending to plan and go on holiday, teddie bear tea parties etc. We're lucky to live near the coast, so a beach provides endless fun for kids of all ages. Sometimes if you plan and lead activities and ensure at least one trip outside every day, this can make all the difference in terms of breaking up the day. Makes a huge difference if YOU can get out for a good walk everyday. Seriously though it doesn't last long, and if anything like me, you'll miss those younger months/years when they're gone 😟

@Milkminder

Just a few practical details...

Why do you spend so much time at the park?
Do you have a garden?
Could you put a trampoline there? A climbing frame/swingset too? A swingball pole?

Crafting with 5 yos is crazy. They do all that crap in school. Get DC2 some audio books where she can follow the text along. Her reading will improve.

Get DC1 a chess app. Choose one that allows play against the computer only and offers graded play so he can be more challenged as he gets better.

Stop washing for your H and let him take it to his sainted mother.
You say "But he'll take his laundry to his mother's" as if this is a bad thing.
What is the down side of this?
The whole point of it is that you do less. If his stupid mother is willing to wash her grownass son's tightey whities, blow her a big air kiss and let the pair of them get on with their ridiculousness.

Deep down - be honest here, @Milkminder - do you need to be needed?

Deep down, what is it that you fear about your H and the children? Why does DD need to be asleep before you go out in the evening?

Your posts are making me feel really panicky. The idea of living my life like that is horrifying.

I was getting frustrated with you then I realised I was being totally unfair, because I can’t get in the mindset of being treated like this at all.

I have found parenting difficult, but I largely enjoy it now, because my husband and I have worked (mostly!) as a team. I can’t see how it would work with someone like your husband.

I enjoy the kiddy things, because I know I will have the space away from them to re-charge. I know that every other night I don’t need to do bedtime so I can walk, swim, flip on sofa. Choose for me.

You seem to be observing that things are how they are, but not being able to take control of those things. I don’t know how you move to that place, but I hope this beginning of realisation is the start. Take care.

I hear you OP too. Try and get some breaks for yourself where you can.

op , how are you doing?

@Binkybix

Your posts are making me feel really panicky. The idea of living my life like that is horrifying.

I was getting frustrated with you then I realised I was being totally unfair, because I can’t get in the mindset of being treated like this at all.

I have found parenting difficult, but I largely enjoy it now, because my husband and I have worked (mostly!) as a team. I can’t see how it would work with someone like your husband.

I enjoy the kiddy things, because I know I will have the space away from them to re-charge. I know that every other night I don’t need to do bedtime so I can walk, swim, flip on sofa. Choose for me.

You seem to be observing that things are how they are, but not being able to take control of those things. I don’t know how you move to that place, but I hope this beginning of realisation is the start. Take care.

Lovely post!

@Milkminder

I do tend to get take away once a week. Usually on whichever day I’m feeling the most exhausted.

DH wants dc2 to be asleep before I go out. It wouldn’t worry me if she were still awake. That’s what makes it tricky to arrange anything.

DH wants dc2 to be asleep before I go out. It wouldn’t worry me if she were still awake. That’s what makes it tricky to arrange anything.

Well, tough titty. Why do his preferences over rude yours? It’s a poor show if he can get his own DC in bed and to sleep.
I had no idea there were so many lazy & useless men around until I joined MN. You desperately need to carve out some time just for you, and not only when you’ve completely sorted out the DC.
Im angry for you OP.

Urgh typos - it’s a poor show if he cant get his own DC into bed and asleep.