To be worried that DP only eats lamb...and smells of it

[littlepieces]

DP eats a combination of lamb, potatoes and baked beans for every. single. meal. Sometimes he has chicken, or a bacon sandwich with GF bread. He has porridge for breakfast with 2 tablespoons of sugar. He had some digestive issues a few years ago and became convinced he has a gluten intolerance - he knows the meat, potato, beans combo is safe. But he won't go to the doctors to get properly checked out.

However, I'm really worried about his health. He constantly smells like lamb fat, it emnates from his pores. He's become quite pasty looking and very skinny. AIBU for desperately wanting to do something about it/what can I do to help? I'm a very adventurous eater, love veg, and I always offer him bits of whatever I cook (GF) but he refuses. I'm guessing he has something like ARFID. I think he's always been a fussy eater and eats purely because he has to. I understand his mum used to cook him chips pretty much every day for dinner as a child because that's what he wanted.

[JinglingHellsBells]

But does this mean you never eat together? Are you living with him? Does he cook his own meals and you cook yours?

He clearly has a mental health issue with food. If he won't seek help you can't force him to but longer term he will probably have health issues if that is all he eats. No fruit? No veg? No dairy?

[DelBocaVista]

Don’t have children with him.

Wow

[BillyTodd]

[quote OwlBeThere]@BillyTodd he has disordered eating, at minimum he is well on his way to an ED. He would highly likely be diagnosed with ARFID if he saw a doctor. He has all the classic symptoms. Would you be so dismissive if he was a teenage girl who was displaying the typical signs of anorexia? If so why not?[/quote]
I totally agree his eating sounds disordered and unhealthy. Beyond that we shouldn't be trying to diagnose him of anything, that's a qualified doctor's job, and they certainly won't do it over Mumsnet.

I wouldn't treat a teenage girl with anorexia the same, no. Because I understand that a teenage girl has a not yet fully developed and mature brain and little life experience of being responsible for herself; it is entirely understandable and expected that she is likely to still need some adult help and guidance in life, in a way that a grown man is not.

Once again - if he were to be seeking medical advice and help, I would feel totally different. But there's only so much sympathy I have for a grown man who won't go to the doctor, and I don't for one moment agree that it is his partner's job to mother him into going.

[Egghead81]

@Calvinlookingforhobbes

LTB. Seriously.

This

I mean seriously OP

Eating as a couple is a joy in life, holidays, family dinners.

But he will suck the pleasure from it.

But even if that doesn’t galvanise you... smelling of lamb. Gross

[Titterofwit]

I know someone who smells of lamb. Its not a nice smell at all
Hes not a very nice person when you first meet him but is lovely if he takes to you.Ive even seen him smile once.
Hes a civil servant - could he be your DP?

[nancywhitehead]

@littlepieces

I'd feel a bit mean to be 'not putting up with it' - I don't want to leave someone because of a health/mental health problem. But he doesn't seem to want help and seems perfectly happy with his eating habits, so I don't know how far I'd be right to get involved? I've told him (gently) he smells of lamb all the time and he tells me I'm being nasty!

The thing is the impact it is having on you. It sounds like it definitely is impacting your life, quite a lot, in terms of both what you can do e.g. going to restaurants and enjoying meals together, and also in terms of your attraction to him.

With those things in mind, I feel you'd be perfectly entitled to say that you can't be in a relationship with him the way he currently is, and that he needs to either try to change his eating habits to improve your lives together, or find another partner.

Everyone has things they can tolerate in a partner and things they can't. For example I couldn't tolerate a partner who smoked - it would be a dealbreaker for me, I wouldn't be able to handle the smell and taste and it is just so bad for your health. This is really not that different - it's just a smell of lamb instead of smoke!

Just let him know what you need to be happy in the relationship, and if he can't or won't provide that they you need to think about whether you really want to stay with him and love him as he is, or leave.

[maddiemookins16mum]

Lamb is flippin expensive too!

[eatsleepread]

I don't eat animals in their infancy, so would absolutely hate this!
If he smelled like cake or fresh bread, that'd be like the gift that keeps on giving

[Egghead81]

@eatsleepread

I don't eat animals in their infancy, so would absolutely hate this!
If he smelled like cake or fresh bread, that'd be like the gift that keeps on giving

Why? At what age do you decide to tuck in?

[Egghead81]

How do you know the age of other meats like chicken? Pork?

[OwlBeThere]

@BillyTodd ok, so an adult woman with anorexia? Who couldn’t/wouldn’t seek treatment? That’s different why?
Telling you as a parent with an arfid child that this man would be diagnosed immediately given the right doctor. His fear of foods is ARFID 101.

As forthe poster who said don’t have children with him. Just wow.

[toocold54]

Can’t believe people are actually saying to leave him!

He definitely has food issues/anxiety. I remember watching a programme about a women who couldn’t eat solid food as she had a phobia she would have been sick. He definitely needs to see a doctor/therapist and get it sorted.
For now could you convince him to add a tiny bit of fruit or veg to his meals?

[DelBocaVista]

As forthe poster who said don’t have children with him. Just wow.

I know. Disgusting comment.

I have a child and I have gone out of my way to ensure he has a normal relationship with food. To suggest someone like me shouldn't have children is quite upsetting.

[gottakeeponmovin]

The smell of lamb is possibly the most disgusting smell ever - it makes me gag. I just can't imagine this, can't you tell him

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@toocold54

Can’t believe people are actually saying to leave him!

He definitely has food issues/anxiety. I remember watching a programme about a women who couldn’t eat solid food as she had a phobia she would have been sick. He definitely needs to see a doctor/therapist and get it sorted.
For now could you convince him to add a tiny bit of fruit or veg to his meals?

Because people are allowed to leave and not feel any guilt about it. No one is owed a relationship, particularly if it negatively effects the mental health of the other party and the person in question refuses to seek help. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

If he has ARFID, he needs professional help, women are not rehab centres for men. And if he does have it, adding the fruit and veg will not help. He needs therapy and possibly medication.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

As forthe poster who said don’t have children with him. Just wow.

Why not? Bringing children into the mix can exacerbate the situation. It's not a good situation to bring a child into as particularly the person in question does not want to seek help for it.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

I totally agree his eating sounds disordered and unhealthy. Beyond that we shouldn't be trying to diagnose him of anything, that's a qualified doctor's job, and they certainly won't do it over Mumsnet.

I wouldn't treat a teenage girl with anorexia the same, no. Because I understand that a teenage girl has a not yet fully developed and mature brain and little life experience of being responsible for herself; it is entirely understandable and expected that she is likely to still need some adult help and guidance in life, in a way that a grown man is not.

Once again - if he were to be seeking medical advice and help, I would feel totally different. But there's only so much sympathy I have for a grown man who won't go to the doctor, and I don't for one moment agree that it is his partner's job to mother him into going.

This! My son is having therapy and medical treatment, he has therapy once a week and sees a consultant psychiatrist once a month because he's a child and as a mother, this is my job. A lot of it, however, is persuading him that it's a good thing, and again, professionals are far better at this.

[OwlBeThere]

Because @osbertthesyrianhamster to suggest a person with a disability/mental health condition can’t be a good parent is ableist and utterly gross.
Children with EDs often grow to be adults with EDs, my son is technically an adult at 19, his issues are still his issues now the same as when he was a child, so when is the cut off point for empathy and we switch to ridicule and ableism? I’m interested to know.

Again, this isn’t about the OP, she is 1000% allowed to decide this is a deal breaker and move on, this is about the absolutely gross comments from posters who have the empathy and compassion of a slug.

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Having lamb and potatoes, beans, some chicken and oats sounds exactly like he was advised to follow an elimination diet by a doctor to discover trigger foods, as lamb is supposed to be a low allergen meat, beans contain vitamin C, potatoes provide carbohydrate and oats provide fibre.

But they aren't really designed to be followed long term; if he has symptoms from any other foods, he needs to have proper testing now to prevent or cure nutritional deficiencies - this may have to be done through supplementation, rather than through food.

He may well be gluten intolerant or have celiac disease. But he could also have other conditions, including ones that could reduce his lifespan or cause disability - Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis or Gastroparesis, possibly secondary to EDS or an autoimmune disease come to mind, along with the consequences of low vitamin levels. Some of these are treatable and if they are treated, perhaps he would feel more able to risk eating something different.


Not all 'awkward' people issues are Autism.

Not all food related issues are ARFID.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@OwlBeThere

Because *@osbertthesyrianhamster* to suggest a person with a disability/mental health condition can’t be a good parent is ableist and utterly gross.
Children with EDs often grow to be adults with EDs, my son is technically an adult at 19, his issues are still his issues now the same as when he was a child, so when is the cut off point for empathy and we switch to ridicule and ableism? I’m interested to know.

Again, this isn’t about the OP, she is 1000% allowed to decide this is a deal breaker and move on, this is about the absolutely gross comments from posters who have the empathy and compassion of a slug.

I think when you have an adult with obvious issues like this who absolutely refuses to engage with professional help for it than it is a really good cut off point. I would not advice an adult whose partner has very obvious issues but refuses to do anything about them to procreate with that person and I don't seen that as disabilist at all, although I know how hard it can be on the person in question.

Having a child, however, can greatly exacerbate anxiety and conditions characterised by anxiety, so it's extremely important for the adults in that setting to seek to engage with professional help.

And again, we don't know what this man's actual diagnoses are, if at all.

[littlepieces]

I honestly didn't expect such an extreme response of 'leave him!' Should have known better haha.

We do eat together in the evenings but tend to make our own meals and pay for our own things when we do the food shop. Occasionally I can persuade him to eat broccoli, carrots and strawberries, but I have to have cooked/prepared it, he'd never prepare any of this for himself. Unsurprisingly he's not keen on eating out (very picky in restaurants and often leaves half the plate of food) but I have foodie friends so I'm still able to indulge.

Ultimately he grew up in a very unadventurous and functional family when it came to food, mostly frozen/oven cooked dinners. The fear of making himself ill has now limited his small range of foods even more. Just wish he would or could open his mind to more foods for the benefit of his health, and because it's fun!

[GroovyPeanut]

@Flaunch

it didn’t help that he looked a bit like an egg too, so ended up splitting over it

😂😂

😂😂😂😂

[DelBocaVista]

Just wish he would or could open his mind to more foods for the benefit of his health, and because it's fun!

While it is important for his health you probably won't win him over by pushing the 'fun' bit.
It he does have ARFID then eating isn't fun. It's stressful.

My absolute pet hate is someone telling me I don't what I'm missing .....I really don't care.

[RickiTarr]

@imogensmudge

I'd feel a bit mean to be 'not putting up with it' - I don't want to leave someone because of a health/mental health problem

That there is female socialisation. - that we are taught to be 'kind' to others at our own expense.
There is nothing to feel mean about! There is nothing wrong with leaving someone because they choose to live in a way that makes them stink and ill.
Respect yourself and make the choice that makes you happiest, not him, and has you living your best life. Because you bloody matter.

I’m not so sure.

A man who said nasty things about his anorexic girlfriend and then left her because he said she was “choosing to make herself stink and ill”, would be harshly censured too.

It’s really noticeable that there is a hierarchy of acceptable-unacceptable eating disorders. Especially on Mumsnet. Some of the comments on this thread are vile.

[littlepieces]

@DelBocaVista

Just wish he would or could open his mind to more foods for the benefit of his health, and because it's fun!

While it is important for his health you probably won't win him over by pushing the 'fun' bit.
It he does have ARFID then eating isn't fun. It's stressful.

My absolute pet hate is someone telling me I don't what I'm missing .....I really don't care.

Yes exactly, I'm really sensitive to what appears to be an eating issue. But I know it's not good for him and want to help but don't really know how. Or am I just interferring?