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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving 4 year old alone

203 replies

LittleLego · 17/05/2021 15:31

Please help settle an argument.

DH has left DD (4 years old) alone momentarily twice in the last week.
The first time he ran to the corner shop at the end of the road, it's 60 yards away and he said he was three minutes at most. He locked DD in the house watching TV, it wasn't an essential purchase it if matters at all, I was back from work a couple of hours later and could have called en route.

Second time DD was in the bath and DH popped downstairs to check on dinner that was cooking, we live in a solid house where sound doesn't travel well, we can't hear her crying at night for example without the baby monitor on. He said he was only 10 seconds. I've left her to go to the adjoining room to grab a towel etc but talk to her throughout, he can't see how this is any different.

I'm really quite angry that he feels this is ok, he's begrudgingly said it won't happen again but only after arguing the toss that she's sensible and nothing happened. I'm concerned about his lack of judgement, I've talked about how it only takes a second to slip and bang her head blah blah but he's not seeing it the same way. Both of these incidents I only found out about after DD told me. I have a tendency towards anxiety and catastrophising things so want some outside opinions, AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
HerMammy · 17/05/2021 22:34

Tbf his popping down to check dinner was probably longer since he thinks it’s ok to go out to the shop and leave her, these are just the two things you found out about.
Hope she doesn’t mention to school/nursery that daddy goes out and leaves her at home.
I’m a pretty relaxed parent but his attitude towards his DDs safety is beyond the pale, I wouldn’t trust him alone at all.

threeteenstaximum · 17/05/2021 22:47

No no no

Your DH has serious lapses in parental judgement here , he does realise this is child neglect?? And an accident waiting to happen.

He is a liability

Fgs he must watch his young child in the bath- it's not difficult. He can cut short "the Bath" if he needs to , with a quick two minute water whoosh if his attention span is that short.

And never ever leave a 4 year alone on the house , even for a "quick pop out"

I have no words

If this was reported to MASH (children services/police safeguarding) he would be facing a s47 child neglect enquiry. It's not even in a grey area.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/05/2021 22:51

I literally couldn't live with someone I couldn't leave our kids alone with because he was too dim to keep them safe.

Campervanna · 17/05/2021 22:57

[quote DoodleLovin]@Campervanna yeh he bathes alone? Is bathing not a verb?[/quote]
Don’t try and get too smart @DoodleLovin
I was referring to your quote “I don’t see an issue with the bath. I leave my 4 yr old to bath alone.”

To answer you, yes, bathing is a verb. However, if your trying to be persnickety, you didn’t actually use the verb BATHE (see your quote above^^). You very clearly said to BATH alone!!! Well done on correcting yourself in your reply though, when you have changed it to “he bathes alone.” No need to thank me, for pointing out your error, I’m always to happy to help... go me. 🤣🤣

AnxiousWeirdo · 17/05/2021 22:58

I'm quite a relaxed parent when it comes to things like this but your dh is massively unreasonable here. I mean at the better end of the spectrum, locking himself out of the house isn't beyond the realms of possiblity. Also, a lady was killed near me as she was walking to a shop a few seconds from her house (car accident that rolled onto the pavement), this is ofc not mentioning the obv fire risks etc.

The bath thing is self explanatory really. I've nipped downstairs but it takes 5 seconds to run upstairs to the bathroom from the kitchen here.

He really needs better judgement.

Dddccc · 17/05/2021 23:11

Hmm what age would everyone say is acceptable to leave there child in a bath them mine has been since about 4 but I am only in the next room and pottering he is now 9 also I don't see to much of the issue of the shop either if it was less then 5 mins however if more then that then no

HintofVintagePink · 17/05/2021 23:18

The shop absolutely never.

My DD is 4 and I sometimes have to help DS, 7, get his pjs on, dry off etc after his bath, so leave DD in her bath whilst I do this. But I’m in the bedroom next door, with doors between bathroom and DS’s rooms at right angles to each other and both doors open. Probably singing with, chatting to both DC’s. I wouldn’t go downstairs with DD in the bath, no. But I am at the panicky end of th parenting spectrum.

namechangingforthis19586 · 17/05/2021 23:37

I've seen a four year old get stuck in the bath. They're small enough to get wedged horizontally and struggling makes it worse. Drowning happens in seconds.

Leaving a child home alone is utterly unacceptable. Yes, it might be fine but equally it might not be. All those moments when there's a crash, something teeters over, child yells - these moments happen frequently but any sane parent ensures there is an adult to go running at such moments.

Your DH needs to do a parenting course. I understand he's just naive and arrogant but really, accidents happen more frequently to children with parents like him. They will happen to someone's child and often they're preventable.

namechangingforthis19586 · 17/05/2021 23:38

Also, I met a bloke with a meat cleaver at the co op and had to hide behind a car for a while.

Delays, delays.

Summerfun54321 · 17/05/2021 23:49

WTF who pops to the shop and leaves a 4 year old home alone?! Deliveroo do groceries if he was desperate and didn’t want to take DD out. No excuse for it.

Serin · 18/05/2021 06:46

MM's parents thought she would be ok too.Sad
Your DH is lazy and arrogant. Has he shown any contrition yet?

Frazzledfranny · 18/05/2021 06:53

I’d bet money on it there is a wider issue with him. Risk taking in general. I’d also put money on it that he takes anything you say with a pinch of salt - just because it was you that said it.

My ex was the same. Couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let my kids get in a car with his mother who was uninsured and borderline blind. All the kids in the family apparently do it/did it.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/05/2021 06:56

@Campervanna

To answer you, yes, bathing is a verb. However, if your trying to be persnickety...

*you’re

RaiseTheBeastie · 18/05/2021 06:59

Going to the shops not OK.

The bath - I wouldn't have an issue with this. Yes it takes seconds to drown etc and I think that, generally, always watching young dc in the bath is the best advice for the masses so that people don't start leaving 2 year olds alone for minutes. But in reality, very, very few 4 year olds drown in the bath - it's a very rare, freak accident if it occurs.

The general hysteria over the bath with slightly older dc is oftem misplaced imo. I once had a proper dressing down from a friend over this exact issue when I admitted to leaving the room to grab a towel for literally 10 seconds when my (then) 3 year old was in. It was irresponsible, I was risking a disaster, you should never move your eyes off an under 5 for two seconds in the bath.

The month after I dropped something off at friends house and after chatting on the door for 2-3 minutes asked where the dc were. They were out the back in the paddling pool, 5 and 4. That was fine though because she could hear them and it wasn't the dreaded bath.

I guess that many people are similarly hypocritical tbh.

Cleverpolly3 · 18/05/2021 07:52

@freakyfridays

always one what Cleverpolly3?
Oh come off it Don’t feign ignorance. You have made two sets of remarks on here that are purposefully “smart” and designed to give us a reality check and not to be naive or misunderstand the Law.

All this bullshit about what if they’re in the garden, gassing to a neighbour, that it’s a question of judging whether you can walk the dog around the block if they’re asleep blah blah blah.

At the end of the day regardless of all of the hyperbole, a responsible parent would neither lock up their house, leave their entire property and go to a shop having left a four year old alone locked up in it or go downstairs and check in the dinner while said child was in the bath unsupervised

Anyone who does this and still thinks the way are responsible is wrong.

Let’s hope nothing ever happens to these sorts of parents children because if they do it’s themselves they would have to blame in this context

Cleverpolly3 · 18/05/2021 07:55

@RaiseTheBeastie

Going to the shops not OK.

The bath - I wouldn't have an issue with this. Yes it takes seconds to drown etc and I think that, generally, always watching young dc in the bath is the best advice for the masses so that people don't start leaving 2 year olds alone for minutes. But in reality, very, very few 4 year olds drown in the bath - it's a very rare, freak accident if it occurs.

The general hysteria over the bath with slightly older dc is oftem misplaced imo. I once had a proper dressing down from a friend over this exact issue when I admitted to leaving the room to grab a towel for literally 10 seconds when my (then) 3 year old was in. It was irresponsible, I was risking a disaster, you should never move your eyes off an under 5 for two seconds in the bath.

The month after I dropped something off at friends house and after chatting on the door for 2-3 minutes asked where the dc were. They were out the back in the paddling pool, 5 and 4. That was fine though because she could hear them and it wasn't the dreaded bath.

I guess that many people are similarly hypocritical tbh.

Grabbing a towel from by the door or the radiator isn’t the same at all. I don’t leave my children unsupervised in e paddling pool either

Parenting does have an element of risk management of course but these debates are pathetic because unless you are mentally incapacitated a functioning adult is well aware of when that lie is being crossed

Basically it’s more about self justification

Cleverpolly3 · 18/05/2021 07:55

*when that LINE is being crossed

Febo24 · 18/05/2021 08:09

I agree that it's worth pointing out what could happen to him while he's out. She is likely safest out of the two of them.

I'm now separated and it's one of the rules/boundaries we have in place just in case my ex thinks to do this. We agree together when we feel our eldest would be of enough to be left in charge for a couple of minutes. It might be worth running through some of these with your husband?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 18/05/2021 10:11

No way would I leave my 4 year old at home alone under any circumstances! Seriously poor judgement.

The bath thing, well I have run downstairs to get PJ's for my almost 5 year old but I made sure I was super quick. Not a great habit to get into as it's very easy to get distracted and to take longer than you intended to....

mogsrus · 18/05/2021 10:32

nothing happens until it happens,then people who cannot or will not see there own stupidity realise,it takes a split second to change a life for ever, no one knows what will happen next, nipping to the shop leaving a vulnerable child alone is stupidity,he may never have come back.

freakyfridays · 18/05/2021 12:22

Cleverpolly3

what's wrong with you?

Don't pretend you cannot see that it's not as black and white as you pretend, you are being ridiculous and you are losing all credibility.

Going to the kitchen at the other end of a big house, going on your phone to chat with a mate for 30 mn and leaving your child in the bath, obviously not ok.

In a small semi, popping downstairs with the doors opened, going to the loo or going in your bedroom folding laundry whilst chatting with your kids can be absolutely fine. It's a 4 year old, not a newborn.

So yes, don't pretend you don't understand my post, it depends on the child, it depends on the house.

Most normal parents perfectly understand that and are able to use common sense.

On the other hand, we have MN posters who have NEVER been to the loo in 4 years unless another adult was present, don't allow their 17 years old to stay home alone and completely ridiculous and damaging parents.

freakyfridays · 18/05/2021 12:24

Technically water makes the floor slippery too, you might fall and smash your hand on the sink. You shouldn't give a bath to your child unless there's another adult present in the house.

You can be as ridiculous as you want.

HarrisMcCoo · 18/05/2021 12:26

No, this is unacceptable behaviour. Hope it doesn't happen again. Lessons to be learned here. OP YANBU

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 12:28

Your not making yourself look any better with your latest "What's wrong with you?" post, freaky.
Very rude to ask a poster what's wrong with them for posting a fairly articulate post and then go on to post that bilge yourself.

freakyfridays · 18/05/2021 12:40

@GreyhoundG1rl

Your not making yourself look any better with your latest "What's wrong with you?" post, freaky. Very rude to ask a poster what's wrong with them for posting a fairly articulate post and then go on to post that bilge yourself.
Maybe you should read the actual post I am replying to? Not sure why it's ok for them to be rude, but it's not acceptable to reply?