Leaving 4 year old alone

[LittleLego]

Please help settle an argument.

DH has left DD (4 years old) alone momentarily twice in the last week.
The first time he ran to the corner shop at the end of the road, it's 60 yards away and he said he was three minutes at most. He locked DD in the house watching TV, it wasn't an essential purchase it if matters at all, I was back from work a couple of hours later and could have called en route.

Second time DD was in the bath and DH popped downstairs to check on dinner that was cooking, we live in a solid house where sound doesn't travel well, we can't hear her crying at night for example without the baby monitor on. He said he was only 10 seconds. I've left her to go to the adjoining room to grab a towel etc but talk to her throughout, he can't see how this is any different.

I'm really quite angry that he feels this is ok, he's begrudgingly said it won't happen again but only after arguing the toss that she's sensible and nothing happened. I'm concerned about his lack of judgement, I've talked about how it only takes a second to slip and bang her head blah blah but he's not seeing it the same way. Both of these incidents I only found out about after DD told me. I have a tendency towards anxiety and catastrophising things so want some outside opinions, AIBU or is he?

If it were literally 10 seconds, I think that would be ok - not ideal, but ok. But it wasn't, was it? That just doesn't make sense.

I would however, leave DD in the shower (because there's no depth of water) briefly.

I don't understand him locking her in the house not taking her - just weird.

But I would leave DD in the house for much longer than three minutes if I were in the back garden putting out washing or something, with the door open.

I think he's putting an odd emphasis on time here. The issue isn't how long he was (and I can't believe it was 10 seconds). It's that if something happened in the bath, or with a door locked, it could be so awful. Head underwater in seconds; he gets hit by a car and no one knows she's indoors waiting. Not a good idea.

YANBU.

I leave my 4yo within earshot in the house, eg upstairs in her room when I'm downstairs or playing in the garden when I'm in the kitchen. I wouldn't leave her in the bath or in the house alone. There are loads of hazards eg it's not just drowning in the bath - they could put the taps on and scald themselves.

I'd be concerned about his underlying attitude too, he's responsible for keeping DD in one piece at the end of the day, that can't be delegated to her for years yet.

Why didn’t he take to the shop. She’s 4. Has legs. Can walk

Anything could have happened to him so he didn’t return

Or anything could have happened to her. Fallen. Banged head etc

Unless he's bionic, there's no way his trip to the shop was 3 minutes.

@DarcyLewis
When there at an age where they need privacy and can wash properly , but by then my 2 were showering by themselves ( it’s just not worth the risk )

The bath wouldn't bother me but the shops is just completely out of order.

The bath thing I think is fine at 4..I mean 10 seconds is really minimal. I mean when they are in the paddling pool in the garden I don’t make them follow me inside when I pop to the loo or go to get them a glass of water tbh.
The leaving them alone in the house is just awful though..and illegal I think!

I have a four year old and and quite a laid back parent. However...

No way in hell would I leave him alone in the house, I do to peg the washing out I suppose but we have a small house and garden so I'm maybe 20 metres away at most? We have a very near shop but it wouldn't cross my mind to go and leave him at home.

The bath thing, I do leave my four year old in the bath with his older brother while I nip and get a towel or whatever, but I wouldn't leave him on his own.

Both things are dangerous.

This is Government guidelines
The law on leaving your child on their own
The law does not say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.
Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone, for example at home or in a car.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) says:

children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
children under 16 should not be left alone overnight
babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone
Parents can be prosecuted if they leave a child unsupervised ‘in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health’.

The bath thing at 4 yo for 10 seconds is ok in my opinion (have done it myself) but if it really was 10 seconds I'd be wondering why he bothered bringing it up tbh which makes me think it was longer.

Corner shop definitely NOT ok.

that all being said I was left alone for quick trips to the shop etc from about 5yo. I think things were different then though.

And the recommended age at leaving a child in the bath is 6 years old if their mature enough x

You mean your 4 year olds can't wash themselves properly? Sometimes I think my kids are so advanced. But I actually know (cause I live in reality) that they're not.

I was born in the 70s so I'm laughing at all the pearl-clutching, but I'm only saying that because my kids managed to make it to 19 and 12 respectively without any issues, that were my fault. And of course I was raised in the late 70s and 80s and being left alone was perfectly fine to my negligent parents.

Do people really not even leave a 4 year old child in the house when they peg their washing out?!?! I don't think being in the garden while the child is in the house (or vice versa) is a big deal at all, unless they're a baby/toddler.

For me, the issue here is if the child is in a potentially dangerous situation (like in water) or if they can't come to you if there is a problem (left home alone)...I wouldn't think twice about being in the garden while a 4 year old was watching TV or playing with toys in the living room!

My DH left our 14 month old DS asleep at home for a perhaps 10 minutes to go grab some cash from a machine. Stupid situation where someone demanded cash on delivery for some fencing we’d ordered.

I asked him gently not to do that again, not because it was likely that anything would happen to the sleeping child, but as others have pointed out, because something could have happened to DH to delay him. DH went pale thinking about that and never left him again.

Your DH’s response concerns me.

Recommended by whom, @Hairobsessed123?

If I left DD alone every time she insisted I did, I doubt she would have made it to four in one peace! She is very hot on her privacy, but that doesn't mean it's a great idea.

It is tempting to just nip to the shops. I wanted to do that a couple of times when dd was a tiny baby asleep as it would have been so much easier. But no way would have I done this. As for the bath, going up and downstairs is the issue to me. Perhaps putting something away momentarily in an adjacent bedroom and chattering constantly or listening to your dc sing is ok. But not out of earshot and the stairs is a higher risk. What happened if he tripped over?

YANBU
DP was like this. He didn’t get any better. He might have stopped doing a specific thing but he never generalised being risk aware in other situations. It’s one of the reasons I won’t have another child. I could never really trust him.
Tell him social services would get involved if he was reported by neighbour. The bath thing is really bad.

No way . To either .

@TheKeatingFive

I wouldn’t be too concerned about the bath one, if it genuinely was that short a time. Leaving them home alone though is totally unacceptable.

But the bath incident is by far the worse one. Anything can happen there and very, very quickly, too.

I live in a flat, I didn’t even leave my then four year old in the flat when I took the bins out.

But the bath incident is by far the worse one.

I disagree

Everytime i read one of these threads I post my story. Yes its very unlikely and far fetched and everyone thinks it will never happen to me..etc...etc but I can and does.

In one of my old sturdy homes the old oven had a fault. I'd cooked a meal and then sat in the next room. Oven was completely off and cool as far as I was aware. I heard a noise in the kitchen and walked in to the oven on fire. There had been a fault with it. I left my baby downstairs while I ran up to grab a towel to wet to put the fire out. I then heard a bang and ran downstairs to find half my kitchen in flames, the lino and cupboards had gone up in seconds, it couldn't believe it. I grabbed baby and rang 999 and got out. By the time the fire engine came in just a few minutes the whole downstairs was engulfed in flames and smoke. The fire men started throwing my babies toys (walker etc) out the door because they apparently catch fire in seconds too and spread the fire.

I honestly never knew how fast fire spread in a normal clean tidy home. It was a matter of minutes untill the entire downstairs went up. Cannot begin to imagine the outcome if the door was locked etc.. So shocking. Scary.

I would never ever leave a dc alone not even for a minute.

Yanbu he is being very irresponsible!

What if she unlocked a door and tried to follow him or climbed through a window. What if she put the kettle on or played with an electric appliance. Nope.