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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving 4 year old alone

203 replies

LittleLego · 17/05/2021 15:31

Please help settle an argument.

DH has left DD (4 years old) alone momentarily twice in the last week.
The first time he ran to the corner shop at the end of the road, it's 60 yards away and he said he was three minutes at most. He locked DD in the house watching TV, it wasn't an essential purchase it if matters at all, I was back from work a couple of hours later and could have called en route.

Second time DD was in the bath and DH popped downstairs to check on dinner that was cooking, we live in a solid house where sound doesn't travel well, we can't hear her crying at night for example without the baby monitor on. He said he was only 10 seconds. I've left her to go to the adjoining room to grab a towel etc but talk to her throughout, he can't see how this is any different.

I'm really quite angry that he feels this is ok, he's begrudgingly said it won't happen again but only after arguing the toss that she's sensible and nothing happened. I'm concerned about his lack of judgement, I've talked about how it only takes a second to slip and bang her head blah blah but he's not seeing it the same way. Both of these incidents I only found out about after DD told me. I have a tendency towards anxiety and catastrophising things so want some outside opinions, AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

WeatherwaxLives · 17/05/2021 15:56

Both are completely unacceptable. And I happily leave 4 yr old DD alone indoors while I hang out laundry, so I'm probably pretty lax by some standards.

I think people often don't realise drowning is completely silent, and only takes a moment.

If your DD tells someone at nursery/school that she was left alone in the bath then it's a safeguarding issue that they'll have to report, that's how serious it is. (this happened to a friend when her ex left their kids alone in the bath during his contact, and they were 8 and 6 I think)

Longclaw88 · 17/05/2021 15:57

Gosh... erm, well we leave our DS aged 4 in the bath (shallow water, bath filled with toys) and we can hear him playing with them while I'm in the bedroom feeding a newborn or getting pyjamas ready etc. I don't really see that as a huge deal but maybe I've misjudged that. DS4 is very loud though so it's reassuring in that regard. I'd never leave the house and leave him though... going to the shops and leaving kids at home alone is a complete NO-NO.

shreddednips · 17/05/2021 15:57

YANBU, our bathroom is adjacent to the kitchen so I will pop out to grab, for example, a towel from the drier but I'll sing with DS at the same time so I can hear his voice. No way would I leave him on a different floor.

The shop thing is also really risky. I would be most worried that he might get stuck in a queue etc and she would get scared and decide to come and find him. You're right, I'd want to know that he really understood WHY these were such risky things to do.

eurochick · 17/05/2021 15:57

I'd say I'm at the laxer end of the parenting spectrum and I wouldn't do either of these. The bath one is particularly worrying.

Tower134 · 17/05/2021 15:59

I don't think your being unreasonable, but I do think you may get some different responses from a lot of men. My DH probably would have instinctively done both these things. He probably wouldn't because he knows I would go mad with him, but instinctively I don't think he would see an issue with either.

Shop, he would say, "well I could fall down the stairs and knock myself out, what would the difference be then?"

Original poster

LittleLego · 17/05/2021 16:00

@VimFuego101

YANBU, this is really concerning. Is he generally hands off with his child? I can't understand how he has no understanding of what a 4yo might get up to when left alone for 5 mins.

No, to be fair he's very hands on and I'd say we pretty much share parenting 50/50 - bedtime, stories, playing, cooking, laundry etc he's great.

This is the bit I'm struggling with too how can he NOT think this is unacceptable, he has a tendency to make me doubt myself when it comes to DDs health or safety, I have a history of post natal health anxiety hence seeking reassurance ianbu.

OP posts:

TheKeatingFive · 17/05/2021 16:00

I wouldn’t be too concerned about the bath one, if it genuinely was that short a time. Leaving them home alone though is totally unacceptable.

Neighneigh · 17/05/2021 16:01

Op just ask him if he could ever forgive himself if something happened - a slip, a trip, helping themselves to an apple and getting a piece stuck....he's got to understand he can't do it. And like others, I am at the slack end of parenting but safety stuff like this, nope.

Funnyface1 · 17/05/2021 16:02

You don't take risks with children. It only has to go wrong once and it can, very easily.

Countrycode · 17/05/2021 16:02

The shop is a huge no no but the bath wouldn't bother me, although it probably would if I was married to him - as if he thinks it's okay to leave her alone while he goes to the shop I wouldn't trust his "10 seconds" downstairs checking the dinner.

I often leave my 4yo to play in the bath while I potter about cleaning/ putting away clothes etc. But I live in a bungalow and I'm beside or passing the bathroom throughout with an ear constantly on her.

lydia2021 · 17/05/2021 16:02

It was only the other day a poster was concerned for a kid in a car in a car park. They were slammed for being nosey. Make up your minds girls.
A kid home alone or sat in bath by themselves isnt much different to a kid sat alone in a car park. YANBU in expecting your man to foresee a problem occurring leaving the 4 year old alone

TheKeatingFive · 17/05/2021 16:03

Make up your minds girls

Consistency isn’t a Mumsnet strong point

EileenGC · 17/05/2021 16:04

I was left home alone when I was 4, with my 9-10 month old sister in a baby walker (I remember every single detail and this is one of my first memories). It was Friday night, the shop was going to be shut until Monday morning and my mum needed nappies or milk or something. In the days before 24/7 supermarkets and Amazon Prime...

You could see the entrance to the shop from our balcony (fourth floor flat) and she was only going to be 10 minutes. I could watch her go in and come out.

The 10 minutes became more than 30 when they were restocking something so queues formed all over the shop, something at the till stopped working and she was stuck there much longer than she’d said. I still remember the panic I felt when she didn’t come back by the agreed time. I could tell the time and I kept staring at the clock and looking out into the street, I was so so scared. My dad was working away and I don’t think anyone had mobile phones back then anyway, not that I knew any numbers on top of our landline. I was terrified.

So yeah, leaving a 4yo alone at home is irresponsible. The bath would depend, but leaving the house is definitely not on.

OwlIsBeingAnOwl · 17/05/2021 16:04

@Longclaw88

I just keep thinking of a HCP who said to me she was on the phone in the same room as her small child in the bath, had turned away to talk and was happy she could hear him splashing away, but turned back and he had slipped with his face underwater but was still splashing

Granted this was probably quite a bit younger than 4 but I still think of it and how scary baths can be! (I'd probably pop out to opposite bedroom with 4yo in bath but 'be aware' I needed to get back iyswim)

DarcyLewis · 17/05/2021 16:04

@lydia2021

It was only the other day a poster was concerned for a kid in a car in a car park. They were slammed for being nosey. Make up your minds girls. A kid home alone or sat in bath by themselves isnt much different to a kid sat alone in a car park. YANBU in expecting your man to foresee a problem occurring leaving the 4 year old alone

A kid strapped into a car seat would have to be incredibly unlucky to drown or fall down the stairs

motogogo · 17/05/2021 16:04

Bath I did but I lived in a bungalow at that age, the bathroom was next to the open plan living dining kitchen and they bathed together. Shop no way

Rillington · 17/05/2021 16:05

He would be out on his earhole if he was my DH. A neighbour lost their 4 year old when they left the bathroom. The child drowned.

Londontown12 · 17/05/2021 16:06

It’s never ok to leave a child in the bath ! It takes seconds for a child to drown I would never ever even turn my back ! And leaving a 4 year old home alone is absolutely dangerous ! X

motogogo · 17/05/2021 16:06

Oh and I wouldn't leave a child under 8 alone in the car either for what it's worth

BrumBoo · 17/05/2021 16:07

My 5 year old is one of these kids that of you left him alone in front of a screen whilst you walked across to the shop and back, he'd not even notice you went. He wouldn't move a breath. I wouldn't leave him at this age though, because I could get hurt or caught up even just crossing the road (especially when rushed). It's just the most stupid, unnecessary risk when putting shoes on (or even carrying) a 4 year old and taking her with would be an extra minute or 2.

The bath situation isn't acceptable either. I've once or twice made a mad dash downstairs when forgetting something, but that's also not sensible even if it's 30 seconds. I once gave my husband a bollocking for opening the door for me when the children were in a shallow bath, I had my sodding keys but he thought he was being helpful (heard me pull up). Really unnecessary risks.

IndiaMay · 17/05/2021 16:08

Bath thing yes I think that's ok, going to the shops no. It actually wouldnt be the child I'd worry about though but if something happened to your DP and no one knew your daughter was alone in the house

DarcyLewis · 17/05/2021 16:10

@Hairobsessed123

It’s never ok to leave a child in the bath ! It takes seconds for a child to drown I would never ever even turn my back ! And leaving a 4 year old home alone is absolutely dangerous ! X

What age do you leave them alone in the bath?

Bibidy · 17/05/2021 16:11

I wouldn't think much of being in and out of the bathroom, although I'd wonder if it was for longer than he said for your daughter to bring it up? Would she really do that if he'd left her for a matter of seconds, or even just a minute or 2?

I wouldn't leave a 4 year old home alone though.

bloodywhitecat · 17/05/2021 16:11

We had a house fire when I was a kid, it took hold quickly but the most debilitating thing was the smoke, there is no way a 4 year old would cope in that situation. I know the chances of fire are small but they are still there nonetheless. I would not be happy to leave such a young child alone while I went to the shop.

Drowning is quick and silent, I would not leave a child of that age in the bath and go to another floor of the house.

YANBU.

midsomermurderess · 17/05/2021 16:12

Are we giving to get several of these a week now? What do people want? Some people will say x, some y. Follow your own judgment. Although I increasingly wonder if some people on this site are able to do this.

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