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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving 4 year old alone

203 replies

LittleLego · 17/05/2021 15:31

Please help settle an argument.

DH has left DD (4 years old) alone momentarily twice in the last week.
The first time he ran to the corner shop at the end of the road, it's 60 yards away and he said he was three minutes at most. He locked DD in the house watching TV, it wasn't an essential purchase it if matters at all, I was back from work a couple of hours later and could have called en route.

Second time DD was in the bath and DH popped downstairs to check on dinner that was cooking, we live in a solid house where sound doesn't travel well, we can't hear her crying at night for example without the baby monitor on. He said he was only 10 seconds. I've left her to go to the adjoining room to grab a towel etc but talk to her throughout, he can't see how this is any different.

I'm really quite angry that he feels this is ok, he's begrudgingly said it won't happen again but only after arguing the toss that she's sensible and nothing happened. I'm concerned about his lack of judgement, I've talked about how it only takes a second to slip and bang her head blah blah but he's not seeing it the same way. Both of these incidents I only found out about after DD told me. I have a tendency towards anxiety and catastrophising things so want some outside opinions, AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
TurdCrapley · 17/05/2021 16:59

YANBU. I would lose my mind if DH did this. Not okay at all.

adayatthebeach · 17/05/2021 17:01

I have a vivid memory of sitting on a couch crying because I was alone in the house. I was about four. My mom had driven down the street to pick up a maid from a bus stop. She had left me alone sleeping. I’m 68 years old and I still remember the fear.

AdaColeman · 17/05/2021 17:06

In both of those situations he was wrong to leave the child alone. There could have been serious/dangerous consequences in either of those events, it's most worrying that he can't understand that.

WingingItSince1973 · 17/05/2021 17:08

Wow thats absolutely awful. An ex friend nipped out and left her 18 month old alone many years ago, she crashed her car and had to admit to police he was home alone. He was taken from her and lived with his grandparents for the next few years with the mother having supervised access only. Yes its a bit more extreme than walking to the corner shop but what if he had a fall or something and had to explain to others he left his child alone. If the shop is so close why didn't he just take her with him?

MishMashMummy · 17/05/2021 17:10

Both incidents are unbelievably irresponsible and dangerous - you are totally right to be worried about it

pallisers · 17/05/2021 17:11

dh worked with a woman whose child drowned in almost those exact circumstances.

Campervanna · 17/05/2021 17:13

OP YADNBU.When my older ds was in hospital, the child in the next cubical had extremely bad burns. She had been left in the bath whilst her mother went to get something. Child had turned the tap, which was attached to one of these bath shower hose attachments, and had been hit in the face with nearly scalding hot water! When I said extremely bad burns... she lost her eye lids, her nose had virtually been melted down to the bone, her scalp and all of her face looked like wax, plus severe burns to her upper body. She was lucky to survive, but will need years of extensive plastic surgery, to rebuild her face as much as possible. She will always be scarred, both physically and mentally!

Probably in 999 times out of 1000 the child would be okay left alone, but in that other 1 time, this is the type of thing that can unfortunately happen.

Inastatus · 17/05/2021 17:13

YANBU - this is not acceptable.

Maray1967 · 17/05/2021 17:13

I’ve posted this on here before but it is relevant here as well. DH thought I was unreasonable telling him not to have baby Dc on settee with him when he was tired. Stupidly I did not raise hell. On holiday he did it when I was in the shower. DC rolled off the bench and banged the back of his head on the floor fortunately on his playmat. DH got a firm explanation of why he should not have done that by French A & E dr - he never did it again. It takes only a few seconds for something to go wrong when you’re not there or fall asleep (I. DH case).

Octopuscake · 17/05/2021 17:14

I leave 5 and 7 year old in the bath, either together or separately! Not for ages, but definitely 5 mins odd, while going round tidying up. Of course they could drown, but they are sitting quietly in the water, in a known place, they know not to be silly and leap about causing risk of slipping or falling (and I'd hear them if they did). I thought this was a completely reasonable movement towards independence?

I also let the 7 year old make toast but I don't leave her on her own while she does it. And I let her walk 100 yards out of sight to the postbox (while i fret massively and hide behind the car to peep at her).

Would never leave them in the house alone though.

SixDegrees · 17/05/2021 17:15

YANBU.

I’ve popped out of the bathroom to the next room before when DC are in the bath, but I’ve always been close enough to hear them singing or talking.

Leaving DC home alone at 4 while a parent pops to the local shop is too young. The odds of something going wrong are small, but they’re still there. Would your DD be able to cope if something happened? If there was a fire, if she had a minor accident, if your DH was delayed, and so on? Almost certainly not, because she’s 4.

It’s something we’ve only just started preparing DC1 for, he’s 9. He’s never actually been left home alone yet.

We’ve put a list of numbers (emergency numbers, family numbers) above our landline and we’re teaching him how to use the landline.
We’re teaching him how to unlock the doors so he can get out by himself if there’s a fire.
We’re having talk throughs about what to do in an emergency, such as what to do if there’s an accident or a fire. And so on.
And frankly, his answers to our “what would you do if [insert emergency] happens” questions just illustrate that he’s not ready to be left home alone yet. And he’s 9.

autumnboys · 17/05/2021 17:15

The likelihood of anything going wrong is low, but the risk of it does doesn’t really bear thinking about. YANBU.

DoodleLovin · 17/05/2021 17:17

[quote FFSFFSFFS]@DoodleLovin - are you serious? It's take a child twenty seconds to drown. Leaving a child in the bath alone is a real risk.

That's not being paranoid and precious. Water is a huge danger to young children.[/quote]
He doesn’t take a bath. He takes a shower and sits with his toys in there for ages. I personally don’t have a problem with it. It’s just the way we’ve been doing things for a while. Each to their own.

SunshineCake · 17/05/2021 17:19

@Waxonwaxoff0

YANBU. I wouldn't even leave my almost 8 year old home alone while I went to the shop. I do leave him in the bath but I stay upstairs and shout in to check he's OK every 5 minutes or so. Would never at age 4.
Five minutes is ridiculous. A child can get into difficulties very quickly and five minutes is a really long time when your child is drowning.
ScrollingLeaves · 17/05/2021 17:21

No, it wasn’t OK both times.
Something could have happened to your DD such as getting an electric shock while he was at the shop, or slipping in the bath while he was out of the room. It would be too late by the time he got back.

Also, something could have happened to him on the way to the shop, or while checking the food cooking ( like falling down the stairs).

CustardySergeant · 17/05/2021 17:22

Why don't the people who go to another room "to grab a towel" take a towel in with them in the first place, or at least go and get a towel before putting the child in the bath? I've lost count of the number of times I've read "I just popped to another room to get a towel" as if the need for a towel wasn't 100% predictable. To get the towel first is surely obvious.

HaveringWavering · 17/05/2021 17:22

One thing that I don’t think that anyone has mentioned is that with the Bath/dinner thing OP’s DH actually deliberately created a situation that increased risk overall- dinner cooking downstairs while the child was in the bath. He must have known in advance that the dinner would need to be checked in during the bath and he put it in anyway.

HaveringWavering · 17/05/2021 17:23

Checked on

nancywhitehead · 17/05/2021 17:25

If he thinks a 4 year old is "sensible" enough to be left alone then he's not fit to be in sole care of her. It's an accident waiting to happen.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/05/2021 17:25

I don’t understand why, if the shop is that close, your DD couldn’t go with him. The bath incident is also suspect - if it were really a short amount of time your DD wouldn’t have noticed.

Campervanna · 17/05/2021 17:25

@DoodleLovin

“He doesn’t take a bath. He takes a shower”
That’s a complete change to what you originally said......
“I don’t see an issue with the bath. I leave my 4 yr old to bath alone.”

DoodleLovin · 17/05/2021 17:27

@Campervanna yeh he bathes alone? Is bathing not a verb?

nancywhitehead · 17/05/2021 17:28

When I was three, me and my cousin were playing whilst our mums chatted in the kitchen. We briefly managed to wander out into the living room without them noticing.

We were out of their sight for 2 minutes. We'd managed to attempt to climb up a huge wooden display cabinet in the living room, and it toppled over on top of us. It's one of my earliest memories. We were lucky not to be serously injured but it was traumatic.

It really takes no time at all for an unsupervised child to get into trouble.

millymaid · 17/05/2021 17:29

YANBU - and there's no way going to the shop took 3 minutes. Even he ran and if it's next door to your house, there's still picking your stuff, paying, faffing with your mask, he will have been gone for at least 10 minutes. Very irresponsible behaviour!

HaveringWavering · 17/05/2021 17:29

@Campervanna yeh he bathes alone? Is bathing not a verb?

Yes it is, but the present tense is “bathe”. “I bathe, you bathe, he bathed”

You wrote that you leave him to “bath” which means “wash himself in a bathtub full of water” @DoodleLovin