Ex adopting step-child

[EWAB]

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

@MiddleParking

It's not all that common for SMs to be told their husband should put his DC above hers

I disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️ never mind!

Looks like you need to do a bit more reading then 🤷‍♀️😂

@Porkee not in her opening post she did not at all

@worriedatthemoment what does that matter?

Also when people post for others opinions thats what they will get and they won't all align together.
So the op may have some on her aide but also will have many who disagree ? Some posters suggest that people should nit disagree ? Why not , if you have a different opinion
My friends dh adopted her son his stepson, she now has a terminal illness , but he will have a home with his stepdad still , otherwise legally he would of been sent to his dads who he hasn't seen or hasn't bothered with him for years .
So my opinion on this is very different to the Op

@mainsfed why does what matter ?

That OP didn't say something in her OP?

Some posters suggest that people should nit disagree ? Why not , if you have a different opinion

Who has said people should not disagree, worried?

@mainsfed the threads are there for you too read, posts such as don't be nasty to Op when they haven't , just said whats the problem etc

@mainsfed she didn't say she was worried about he dc emotionally, she said practically and how she felt
So the first few posters replied to that
She says her child isn't keen on the dynamics after but in fairness says her dh has been a great dad etc rtc
But the dynamics won't overly change for adoption and there is practical reasons why he may adopt the son as well and for all we know has been in his step sons life for years

It has literally just occurred to me that I actually was the adult child in this scenario 😂
My dad adopted my (then) stepsister when I was 18 and she was about 3ish. I’d forgotten it even happened it’s such a non-issue in my life.

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread, particularly those people who claim not be able to understand why a stepfather might adopt his stepchild. Presumably the child sees him as his father, and the father views him as his child. I also presume the child's biological father isn't in the picture. Formalising the relationship with adoption won't make any real difference in their day to day lives. What will change is that this child will know he has two parents who are committed to him, and the father will have all the rights of a parent (being able to sign permission slips, for example).

My first husband died when my kids were very young. They were 7 and 5 when I married my second husband. We had been together for 2 years at this point and they already viewed him as their father and he viewed them as his children. Several months after we got married he adopted them. My husband is their parent just as much as I am.

This adoption shouldn't make any difference to the adult child, as the relationships won't change at all as a result of this legal matter.

OP, how is this any different to your exH having a child with his new partner? Biological or not, he is essentially having another child, isn't he? I saw you mentioned that you feel his relationship with his StepChild has had an impact on the relationship with adult DC and if it really is the case, it won't change jast because he ends up not adopting the SC. They must work on that regardless. As for inheritance, you are both allowed to have more children. Biological or adopted.

Did your ex put forward the reasons why he is considering adopting his step child? Perhaps if he did it would make it easier for your child to understand. Ultimately it is up to the ex regardless but considering he was willing to run it by you, I thought this might be something he was willing to share with his older child.

it doesn't have to be a negative experience for your child but I can appreciate there might be an element of feeling inadequate or replaced even if your child is an adult.

I would put the inheritance concerns to one side, the ex could leave anything he has to his new partner or charity and he might not have anything to leave anyway.

Blimey some of these answers.

I would feel happy a child knows they are wanted and cared for enough to be adopted.

I would want to help there be a good sibling relationship.

I would wish them well.

@guinnessguzzler

Agreed *@MiddleParking*. I am sure there are lovely men out there who simply want to give their step child greater emotional and legal security but the only instances I am directly familiar with where a step dad has said they were considering or did actually go ahead and adopt a step child, were in quite dysfunctional circumstances, where it was used to make a statement, send a message, and was much more about control, external validation and so on.

My dad adopted my step sibling, that was 25 years ago. He’s been there for her through trauma and relationship breakdowns, through moves and illnesses, paid her through uni, helped her rent her first house by being guarantor. Same as he did for all of us. Because she’s his child.

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.

Presumably they're not contemplating this for your adult child's benefit?! They don't have to be "advantaged" by it in any way, it's not about them.

My dad adopted my step sibling, that was 25 years ago. He’s been there for her through trauma and relationship breakdowns, through moves and illnesses, paid her through uni, helped her rent her first house by being guarantor. Same as he did for all of us. Because she’s his child.

Well said!

I don't understand why he is asking your opinion to be honest.
This isn't about your child who is an adult themselves.
If my SS got upset over inheritance if my DH adopted my kids I would be pretty annoyed especially if its over inheritance.
Such a grabby way to think.

@OwlBeThere That's genuinely lovely. I absolutely don't doubt that there are people who do this for the right reasons. I am just aware that there are also people who consider it for the wrong reasons too. As with everything in life, I suppose.

@guinnessguzzler exactly, including people who have biological children.

It seems hypocritical of the op to have children by two different fathers and then object to this.
In addition if you want your child to inherit it's up to you to make that happen. You can't put that onto either step grandparents or your ex husband. Most people leave their money to their wife or husband, then their children only once both are dead. It's unusual for grandchildren to inherit more than a token amount.
Hopefully having a second child didn't affect your ability to earn money to leave to your first child?

What an awful thread. Some of these comments are quite callous and I imagine may be upsetting for people who are adopted or have adopted their children.

As for the inheritance issue, it’s likely he will leave some to his step son regardless of the adoption as he clearly values this relationship. Nobody is entitled to inherit somebody else’s money. There may be nothing to inherit. I cannot believe the amount of people who happily and without shame admit they’d be annoyed that they’d get less money when someone dies . If this was my families attitude anything I had would be left to charity.

@SnackSizeRaisin

It seems hypocritical of the op to have children by two different fathers and then object to this. In addition if you want your child to inherit it's up to you to make that happen. You can't put that onto either step grandparents or your ex husband. Most people leave their money to their wife or husband, then their children only once both are dead. It's unusual for grandchildren to inherit more than a token amount. Hopefully having a second child didn't affect your ability to earn money to leave to your first child?

Yes god forbid the op leave her second child anything in her will. Wouldn’t that massively upset the older child? First they have to cope with having a half sibling (I’m assuming the op has never forced them to endure moments under the same roof) and then contemplate their inheritance being stolen.

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on.

What a ridiculous comment. Is that what happens when someone has more than one child? No.
Also think its a joke the pp claiming to be ‘all for adoption’ unless it’s with a man who already has bio children and/or effects inheritance it would seem...

There are four things on this thread that have horrified me:

Firstly, the frankly Dickensian attitude that some posters have towards adoption - the idea that there are different ranks of importance in one's children and that birth children are/should be more important than adopted children. Also that there are different ranks of adopted children, with known-child adoptions being less worthy/important/valuable than unknown-child adoptions. There is also a sub-text here that people outside of the parents get to decide which of the parents' children are their "real" (most important/worthy children).

Secondly, the idea that a person shouldn't live their life a (legal) way that makes them happy, in case it has a knock-on for people who may inherit from them. Everytime the OP's ex goes on holiday that is money that could go towards the OP's child's inheritance. Should he not go on holiday to protect the OP's child's inheritance? If he falls off a horse and breaks his back he could end up using all the inheritance to pay for his care needs. Should he never ride a horse (or ski? Or go rock climbing?) If we applied this principle across the board nobody would ever have second children, or certainly not children from second relationships.

Thirdly, the idea that anyone (including someone's ex partner and their adult children) have the right to have input into whether somebody who has been a good parent goes onto have further children or how they have those children (assuming there aren't more general ethical issues to the method proposed). How someone becomes a parent (again) is nobody else's business or concern (and in fact adopting a step-child is in many ways less risky for a birth child, as the step-child is a known factor; who knows what needs/personality a further birth child could have).

Finally, the idea that parents of adult children shouldn't do things unless they advantage (rather than "don't cause direct harm to") their adult children. When my children are independent and full-grown I fully intend to do lots of things that have no advantage whatsoever to my then-adult children. In fact if you take a long term view some of them could be seen to have a detriment to my adult children as my travel plans/possible hobbies will certainly eat into their possible inheritance.