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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
NoMLMbots · 17/05/2021 11:00

Sounds a lovely thoughtful thing to do

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 11:01

No, it doesn't inherently mean that, you're right.

I guess my views have been coloured by reading so many thread on MN where DC have been pushed out in favour of step-siblings.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 11:02

DS will have seen his dad move out and now sees another child get the benefit of his dad full time. That can be hurtful I imagine

This is what I don't understand, people always talk about this on step parenting threads. It doesn't matter what age a step child is, you have to be mindful of their feelings, your child gets to live with both parents together etc etc... Except here apparently no one should give a shit what the DS (who is also a step child by the way!) feels about it.

It's not just about inheritance, that's a red herring.

As I said up thread, my Mum was the NRP in my case. She was a good Mum but it still hurt that I didn't live with her and it would have hurt to see another child get to be with her full time

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 11:03

That's the way I see it too Porkee.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 11:04

And I think age matters here.

If he's 30, living with his wife and own kids maybe he won't care and think what a lovely bloke my Dad is.

If he's 18, still living at home, still a bit hurt that he doesn't get to spend all the time with his Dad then this does have the potential to upset him.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 11:08

And I know people will say he lives with the SC whether or not he adopts him but, and maybe it's not logical ,if this were me when I was young, i'd be sad that I was no longer my Dad's only official child, that someone who lived with my Dad all the time when I didn't now got to be on 'equal footing' so to speak with me.

I'm not saying he will feel like this, or that the Dad shouldn't do it but people just assuming he won't care and if he does he's a dick are wrong imo.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 11:10

Sounds like the DS already feels like this Porkee, and I can't really blame him.

worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 11:11

@Hoppinggreen of course she can express her misgivings, but also had to expect other people can have their opinions also and its to be expected that not everyone will agree with her reasonings

worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 11:12

@Porkee but he is an adult ? So whilst you may feel sad or whatever surely as an adult you can overcome that and maybe think about the child in the equation also

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2021 11:12

@Porkee

DS will have seen his dad move out and now sees another child get the benefit of his dad full time. That can be hurtful I imagine

This is what I don't understand, people always talk about this on step parenting threads. It doesn't matter what age a step child is, you have to be mindful of their feelings, your child gets to live with both parents together etc etc... Except here apparently no one should give a shit what the DS (who is also a step child by the way!) feels about it.

It's not just about inheritance, that's a red herring.

As I said up thread, my Mum was the NRP in my case. She was a good Mum but it still hurt that I didn't live with her and it would have hurt to see another child get to be with her full time

I don't think anyone's saying not to think about how he would feel at all, just that as with decisions like parents separating, remarrying and having more children, it's not going to be the deciding factor, just something that is thought about.
worriedatthemoment · 17/05/2021 11:13

Also Op asks about how she should feel and the practical implications for her son in opening post , no mention of her Sons feelings

Porkee · 17/05/2021 11:15

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Porkee but he is an adult ? So whilst you may feel sad or whatever surely as an adult you can overcome that and maybe think about the child in the equation also[/quote]
Do we know how old he is?

An 18 year old is an adult but I'm sure you'll agree, they aren't always as emotionally equipped to 'overcome and think of the child' as say a 30 odd year old.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 11:15

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Hoppinggreen of course she can express her misgivings, but also had to expect other people can have their opinions also and its to be expected that not everyone will agree with her reasonings [/quote]
Not sure OP expects everyone to agree with her? She has asked for opinions.

Also Op asks about how she should feel and the practical implications for her son in opening post , no mention of her Sons feelings

She has said her DS is uncomfortable with the dynamic.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 11:18

I don't think anyone's saying not to think about how he would feel at all, just that as with decisions like parents separating, remarrying and having more children, it's not going to be the deciding factor, just something that is thought about

People have been giving OP shit all over this thread for daring to be concerned about her own child. I am really surprised actually that anyone is shocked that someone's first thought in this scenario would be what their child would think or feel about it and how they may potentially be impacted.

People have gone on about the younger SC and how great it is for them which it is of course, but why should that be OPs main focus of thought?

She's said, quite rightly, that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardise the adoption. She's allowed to be concerned about her own child, adult or not though on an anonymous forum. She isn't saying she's going to do anything about it.

Aspiringmatriarch · 17/05/2021 11:18

In any sense, except ‘legally’, which I don’t see as a relevant concept to sibling relationships. Obviously the dad is at liberty to say ‘well it doesn’t matter what you think’ in which case my response would be ‘grand, if I’m surplus to requirements you’ll be happy for me to refuse to speak to any adoption agencies about it, and won’t be expecting me to engage in conversations with this kid where we both call you dad, nor will you be expecting me to refer to him as my brother or an uncle to my future kids in any conversation. Happy days.’
Ok.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 11:18

@worriedatthemoment

Also Op asks about how she should feel and the practical implications for her son in opening post , no mention of her Sons feelings
She has made multiple suggestions that her son is uncomfortable with the situation which suggests to me that there are some emotional issues going on.
aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2021 11:25

@Porkee

I don't think anyone's saying not to think about how he would feel at all, just that as with decisions like parents separating, remarrying and having more children, it's not going to be the deciding factor, just something that is thought about

People have been giving OP shit all over this thread for daring to be concerned about her own child. I am really surprised actually that anyone is shocked that someone's first thought in this scenario would be what their child would think or feel about it and how they may potentially be impacted.

People have gone on about the younger SC and how great it is for them which it is of course, but why should that be OPs main focus of thought?

She's said, quite rightly, that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardise the adoption. She's allowed to be concerned about her own child, adult or not though on an anonymous forum. She isn't saying she's going to do anything about it.

I don't disagree, I said the same thing in my response. From her POV it makes sense to not be pleased but from an unbiased POV it's a reasonable thing to do.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 11:26

Based on other threads and this one, OP believes that step children or adopted children shouldn't be treated as biological children, unless the step child or adopted child is OP's in which case they should be treated as a biological child. Especially in a will.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 11:29

Can't believe someone said that even as an adult, they would refuse to be in a setting where their dad's adopted son also called him dad. Fuck me, how spiteful and selfish that would be.

AlexaNeverListens · 17/05/2021 11:35

My ex DH can't even be bothered to send either of our DC a birthday or Christmas card. Your ex DH is planning to adopt his SC.

I know which I'd prefer.

timeisnotaline · 17/05/2021 11:40

Would people honestly not expect their adult child to cope with this? To recognise maybe they were a bit miffed sharing their dad but it’s not his choice and lovely for this younger child? My parents had foster children, I’m glad some of you lot don’t foster.

SnowdaySewday · 17/05/2021 11:40

If he is close enough to the child to be considering adoption, then chances are he would include them in his will anyway, so the inheritance boat has probably already sailed.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 11:41

Obviously the dad is at liberty to say ‘well it doesn’t matter what you think’ in which case my response would be ‘grand, if I’m surplus to requirements you’ll be happy for me to refuse to speak to any adoption agencies about it, and won’t be expecting me to engage in conversations with this kid where we both call you dad, nor will you be expecting me to refer to him as my brother or an uncle to my future kids in any conversation. Happy days.’

If that was the son's response he would probably be cut out of the oh so important inheritance all together. You can't make a parent chose between their two children.

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 11:43

Ultimately I think it’s a reasonable expectation that your parents will love you more and prioritise you above anyone else’s kids, including their stepkids. I hope that my kids always feel free to expect that from me. Also, if I’m honest, I’d take a lot of convincing to see a man adopting a ten-ish year old stepchild as a statement of love and commitment to the child as opposed to its mother.

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 11:46

@ThatIsMyPotato

Obviously the dad is at liberty to say ‘well it doesn’t matter what you think’ in which case my response would be ‘grand, if I’m surplus to requirements you’ll be happy for me to refuse to speak to any adoption agencies about it, and won’t be expecting me to engage in conversations with this kid where we both call you dad, nor will you be expecting me to refer to him as my brother or an uncle to my future kids in any conversation. Happy days.’

If that was the son's response he would probably be cut out of the oh so important inheritance all together. You can't make a parent chose between their two children.

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on. I’d guess that most parents wouldn’t be happy with that.
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