Ex adopting step-child

[EWAB]

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

[quote LizzieW1969]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes, I agree. I was really shocked when my DSis told me about that. [/quote]
Should they ever need it, our parents gave us a handy comeback if any horrible kids said anything about us being unwanted, abandoned etc.

We would do a 'my god you're stupid' confused face and say "... our parents literally chose us."

@youvegottenminuteslynn

That’s a brilliant comeback, thank you.

On a positive note, my DD1 (12) told us that a friend told her that she felt sad for her, being adopted. DD1 couldn’t understand why she felt sorry for her, as she didn’t feel hard done by at all and was quite happy as she was. That meant a lot.

[quote LizzieW1969]@youvegottenminuteslynn

That’s a brilliant comeback, thank you.

On a positive note, my DD1 (12) told us that a friend told her that she felt sad for her, being adopted. DD1 couldn’t understand why she felt sorry for her, as she didn’t feel hard done by at all and was quite happy as she was. That meant a lot. [/quote]
That's so lovely, and true! We feel really lucky we got a chance for a forever home and parents who wanted to love and care for children so much they went through the adoption progress (rigorous to say the least) to do so for children who needed it most.

@MiddleParking

Well this is not the sort of logic that gets thrown around on the SP board, is it, where if he did NOT treat and view his SS exactly like his own, he would be torn to shreds. Step parents really can't win it seems.

I was sort of thinking this in reverse, to be honest. Women on the step parenting boards are forever being told that of course their husband should love his own DC more and prioritise them above all else, yet here the DS would apparently be utterly selfish to be less than delighted that his dad was doing the opposite of that. I certainly don’t think posters on the SP board should be obliged to love their stepchildren as much as their own, in fact I’d find it concerning if someone said they did.

You need to do a bit more reading. This is sometimes argued, yes, but the large, loud majority of posters are forever telling step parents they should view their SC exactly like their own and if they don't they are cruel and cold hearted, and haven't committed properly to the blended family. Recent examples include inheritance, equal treatment and gifts/inheritance from the step parents wider family, and most recently, step parents buying clothes for their DC and not showing their commitment to the blended family by thinking to look for SC. Step mum's in particular are definitely expected to not favour their own children on hete. I agree that it's wrong, but it is the case. Perhaps OPs ex and his wife have subscribed to that pervasive culture.

As hard as it may be for some people to believe not everyone cares about inheritance. Many many people in this world are not motivated by money.
I find it really sad that the first thing on lots of people’s minds is money.
I have 4 children. 2 I have birth to, 2 I adopted. One was my ex husbands biological child, the other is not biologically related to either of us. All 4 are our children. None is more important, none is more loved. And any inheritance will be equally split between all of them. And if any of them felt they were somehow more deserving of that inheritance just because of an accident of birth I’d be extremely disappointed in the grabby human I’d raised.

You need to do a bit more reading.

No I don’t

I think OP worries that her ex will "replace" their DC with adopted DSC.

I can relate as after my parents divorce, my father married his OW and while he didn't formally adopt her DC (all kids were grown up at that point) however, OW grandkids have practically replaced mine and DSis kids for our father.
It's a sad and complicated situation and our kids have seen their GF only few times in their lives and he never bothered with them while fully involved with his wife's grandkids.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I know, I was asking another question again as you only responded to one bit of my post. Your prerogative of course, you don't have to answer. But it might help you think about things from a different point of view.

Bit patronising but sure I’ll answer. Your question ( If he had another biological son with his wife, would OP's son be within his rights to refuse to be around when that son called his dad 'dad' too? I just find really ludicrous. The thread’s not about the DS not wanting to be around a DSS. Of course ideally all siblings should get along, but it depends on the family.

You need to think this though from OP’s don’s perspective.

@MiddleParking

You need to do a bit more reading.

No I don’t

Ok? It was a generic concept to point out that saying step parents are mainly told to prioritise their own kids on here is inaccurate. Carry on believing something that is wrong if that is what you'd prefer.

@tropicalwaterdiver

I think OP worries that her ex will "replace" their DC with adopted DSC.

I can relate as after my parents divorce, my father married his OW and while he didn't formally adopt her DC (all kids were grown up at that point) however, OW grandkids have practically replaced mine and DSis kids for our father.
It's a sad and complicated situation and our kids have seen their GF only few times in their lives and he never bothered with them while fully involved with his wife's grandkids.

This is what I see very often on MN.

@OwlBeThere

As hard as it may be for some people to believe not everyone cares about inheritance. Many many people in this world are not motivated by money. I find it really sad that the first thing on lots of people’s minds is money. I have 4 children. 2 I have birth to, 2 I adopted. One was my ex husbands biological child, the other is not biologically related to either of us. All 4 are our children. None is more important, none is more loved. And any inheritance will be equally split between all of them. And if any of them felt they were somehow more deserving of that inheritance just because of an accident of birth I’d be extremely disappointed in the grabby human I’d raised.

Well said!

What this thread is showing me is just how shitty many people's attitudes towards adoption are

This, in spades

Ok? It was a generic concept to point out that saying step parents are mainly told to prioritise their own kids on here is inaccurate. Carry on believing something that is wrong if that is what you'd prefer.

It’s just a different perception to yours, you’re not automatically right just because you see it that way

@Allington

What this thread is showing me is just how shitty many people's attitudes towards adoption are

This, in spades

Sad isn't it? And attitudes like that are a huge part of the reason adopted kids often get bullied at some point. It's so disappointing.

@MiddleParking

Ok? It was a generic concept to point out that saying step parents are mainly told to prioritise their own kids on here is inaccurate. Carry on believing something that is wrong if that is what you'd prefer.

It’s just a different perception to yours, you’re not automatically right just because you see it that way

Statistics are not a matter of perception, reading the threads allows you to tally the responses. It comes up sometimes but step parents are not overwhelmingly told to prioritise their own kids, that is just not the case. At best it is a hard 50/50 between the two very opposing views.

What this thread is showing me is that people can’t put themselves in other people’s shoes.

It’s entirely possible to wish that this boy has a happy, secure home and even be adopted but that it doesn’t happen in a way that causes hurt to the bio child.

Statistics 🤣 anyway, I didn’t say that step parents are overwhelmingly told to prioritise their own children. I said “women on the step parenting boards are forever being told that of course their husband should love his own DC more and prioritise them above all else”, which is a very different thing.

@MiddleParking

Statistics 🤣 anyway, I didn’t say that step parents are overwhelmingly told to prioritise their own children. I said “women on the step parenting boards are forever being told that of course their husband should love his own DC more and prioritise them above all else”, which is a very different thing.

Other than the fact that you mentioned women, how is that different?

How long has ex been in this child’s life?

I think it would feel strange to be the young adult DC in this case. Partly because there’s probably an element of feeling somewhat replaced, whether or not that’s true, and partly because the status quo is suddenly changing. I assume OP’s DC knows the younger child well enough already and has him mentally filed as ‘little step-brother’. Might well be very fond of him. That’s not really the point. It’s like everything is changing and nothing is changing at the same time and that’s likely unsettling to an older teen/young adult.

It’s not really comparable to the dad having kids/starting a family with the 2nd wife because in that case, whether bio or adopted, those children would be introduced from the beginning as the dad’s full children and it wouldn’t require the older child to recalibrate an existing relationship.

Having said that, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be anything but positive and good luck to them all.

Er, because it’s women that are posting, and being told that they need to expect themselves and their own DC to come last in the pecking order compared to their husband’s biological children? You can’t claim that doesn’t happen on the step parenting board, statistics or not!

It's a none issue really, apart from when it comes to inheritance that is rarely fair in blended families anyway.

@MiddleParking

Er, because it’s women that are posting, and being told that they need to expect themselves and their own DC to come last in the pecking order compared to their husband’s biological children? You can’t claim that doesn’t happen on the step parenting board, statistics or not!

It honestly doesn't come up that often for a woman to post wanting her husband to put her DC, his SC, above his own DC. It's common for posters to be told he cannot put their JOINT child above his other DC, and for step parents themselves to post saying they want to put their own DC above their SC. It's not all that common for SMs to be told their husband should put his DC above hers, and it certainly is far less common to see that than it is to see posters told that step parents, usually step mum's, should be treating AND feeling exactly the same about their SC as they do for their own DC (which comes up on more or less every thread.) I think it's disingenuous to say the trend is the other way around.

@MangosteenSoda

I think it would feel strange to be the young adult DC in this case. Partly because there’s probably an element of feeling somewhat replaced, whether or not that’s true, and partly because the status quo is suddenly changing. I assume OP’s DC knows the younger child well enough already and has him mentally filed as ‘little step-brother’. Might well be very fond of him. That’s not really the point. It’s like everything is changing and nothing is changing at the same time and that’s likely unsettling to an older teen/young adult.

It’s not really comparable to the dad having kids/starting a family with the 2nd wife because in that case, whether bio or adopted, those children would be introduced from the beginning as the dad’s full children and it wouldn’t require the older child to recalibrate an existing relationship.

Having said that, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be anything but positive and good luck to them all.

A nice measured response, very welcome after all the ‘everyone who thinks OP has a point has a shitty attitude and are nasty’ posts.

It's not all that common for SMs to be told their husband should put his DC above hers

I disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️ never mind!