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Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 11:50

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on.

Yeah... that's not what adoption is.

If he had another biological son with his wife, would OP's son be within his rights to refuse to be around when that son called his dad 'dad' too?

If not, you might want to rethink your views on adoption.

As others have said, I would be deeply disappointed in a child who felt aggrieved their father wanted to provide a safe, secure loving relationship environment for a child and cement that legally by adopting.

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2021 11:53

@MiddleParking

Ultimately I think it’s a reasonable expectation that your parents will love you more and prioritise you above anyone else’s kids, including their stepkids. I hope that my kids always feel free to expect that from me. Also, if I’m honest, I’d take a lot of convincing to see a man adopting a ten-ish year old stepchild as a statement of love and commitment to the child as opposed to its mother.
Well this is not the sort of logic that gets thrown around on the SP board, is it, where if he did NOT treat and view his SS exactly like his own, he would be torn to shreds. Step parents really can't win it seems.
Aspiringmatriarch · 17/05/2021 11:54

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Can't believe someone said that even as an adult, they would refuse to be in a setting where their dad's adopted son also called him dad. Fuck me, how spiteful and selfish that would be.
I know. I couldn't think of anything to even say to that person.
mainsfed · 17/05/2021 11:59

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on.

Yeah... that's not what adoption is.

If he had another biological son with his wife, would OP's son be within his rights to refuse to be around when that son called his dad 'dad' too?

If not, you might want to rethink your views on adoption.

As others have said, I would be deeply disappointed in a child who felt aggrieved their father wanted to provide a safe, secure loving relationship environment for a child and cement that legally by adopting.

DS himself is a child of divorced parents. It's not unreasonable for him mum to be concerned about his security. Just because he's over 18 and at uni doesn't mean he's suddenly mature.
80sPadme · 17/05/2021 11:59

[quote worriedatthemoment]@80sPadme ahh but its not about that child , we can only think how the adults feel on this situation and what financial
Implications it will have.
The child does not need to be considered apparently [/quote]
I feel this too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 12:00

@mainsfed

As I asked, if he had another biological son with his wife, would OP's son be within his rights to refuse to be around when that son called his dad 'dad' too?

guinnessguzzler · 17/05/2021 12:01

Agreed @MiddleParking. I am sure there are lovely men out there who simply want to give their step child greater emotional and legal security but the only instances I am directly familiar with where a step dad has said they were considering or did actually go ahead and adopt a step child, were in quite dysfunctional circumstances, where it was used to make a statement, send a message, and was much more about control, external validation and so on.

Potteringshed · 17/05/2021 12:01

What this thread is showing me is just how shitty many people's attitudes towards adoption are. And, frankly, towards fatherhood. I can't believe how many posters basically seem to believe that me are incapable of genuinely emotionally committing to an adoptive child and could only be doing it for the sake of the mother and can only feel for a child if they are passing on their DNA.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 12:01

@youvegottenminuteslynn I was responding to your last paragraph about a child's security. I've not said anything about people who refuse to be around their step-siblings!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 12:03

[quote mainsfed]@youvegottenminuteslynn I was responding to your last paragraph about a child's security. I've not said anything about people who refuse to be around their step-siblings![/quote]
I know, I was asking another question again as you only responded to one bit of my post. Your prerogative of course, you don't have to answer. But it might help you think about things from a different point of view.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 12:05

@Potteringshed

What this thread is showing me is just how shitty many people's attitudes towards adoption are. And, frankly, towards fatherhood. I can't believe how many posters basically seem to believe that me are incapable of genuinely emotionally committing to an adoptive child and could only be doing it for the sake of the mother and can only feel for a child if they are passing on their DNA.
Absolutely this.

And the hypocrisy of OP being angry and upset on other threads that her son was treated as less part of the family than his brother (by not being in a will) due to being a 'step' grandchild is baffling, when she's essentially saying she will be angry and upset too this time if her ex's adopted son is treated as equal to his older son in his will!

One rule for her kids, another for everyone else's? Maybe more people are like that than I realised. How sad,

80sPadme · 17/05/2021 12:07

I happen to have inherited a sum of money from my step father and I wasn't adopted. He was my dad for all intense and purposed from age 5 and my bio dad frankly didn't give 2 shits about me.
My half siblings were only to happy to know that it was shred between all of us.

Plus inheritance isn't a god given right, to expect so is so spoilt and entitled IMO.
My mother has since sold their former home and used the money to travel and enjoy her life. I won't have inherit from her and don't expect to.

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 12:08

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on.

Yeah... that's not what adoption is.

If he had another biological son with his wife, would OP's son be within his rights to refuse to be around when that son called his dad 'dad' too?

If not, you might want to rethink your views on adoption.

As others have said, I would be deeply disappointed in a child who felt aggrieved their father wanted to provide a safe, secure loving relationship environment for a child and cement that legally by adopting.

Are you trying to do some gotcha thing where I have to admit that I don’t think adopted children are the same as biological children? Because in this instance I absolutely don’t, that’s my point Confused you could be disappointed all you want, it wouldn’t change anything!
ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 12:09

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on.
He is adopting him because he already sees him as his son.

Fml2021 · 17/05/2021 12:10

wow. my dh was adopted by his 'step dad'. some of the comments on here are fucking horrific, absolutely shameful.

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 12:11

@ThatIsMyPotato

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on. He is adopting him because he already sees him as his son.
If that’s the case (I have my doubts) then as I’ve said, he’s at liberty to see it like that. His son doesn’t have to see it like that and OP certainly doesn’t have to see it like that.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 12:12

@MiddleParking

Are you trying to do some gotcha thing where I have to admit that I don’t think adopted children are the same as biological children?

It's not a gotcha attempt, it's a question. To me, you don't seem to think adopted children can be as loved, wanted or valued by their adoptive parents as biological children can.

I was interested to see if I was correct to think this is your belief?

lockdownalli · 17/05/2021 12:17

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Well, that’s fine, if he’s happy to lose one son and swap someone else’s in then he can crack on.

Yeah... that's not what adoption is.

If he had another biological son with his wife, would OP's son be within his rights to refuse to be around when that son called his dad 'dad' too?

If not, you might want to rethink your views on adoption.

As others have said, I would be deeply disappointed in a child who felt aggrieved their father wanted to provide a safe, secure loving relationship environment for a child and cement that legally by adopting.

Agree with this.
MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 12:19

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@MiddleParking

Are you trying to do some gotcha thing where I have to admit that I don’t think adopted children are the same as biological children?

It's not a gotcha attempt, it's a question. To me, you don't seem to think adopted children can be as loved, wanted or valued by their adoptive parents as biological children can.

I was interested to see if I was correct to think this is your belief?[/quote]
Well, for a start I’d obviously frame it around what adults are able to provide rather than any values that could be ascribed (or not) to children. I think adoptive parents can absolutely provide those things, in the right circumstances. But we’re not talking about adoption in the abstract, we’re talking about these specific circumstances, about which I’ve already said what I think.

LizzieW1969 · 17/05/2021 12:25

My DH and I are adoptive parents and I can genuinely say that we couldn’t love our DDs (12 and 9) more if they were our bio DC. But that isn’t the type of adoption that’s being talked about here so it’s something of a red herring.

A lot of people can’t comprehend why anyone would adopt a child if they have bio DC. My youngest DNephew is adopted, my DSis and BIL adopted him after having 2 bio DC of their own as well as a DS from his previous marriage. Some friends didn’t get it and they received cards addressed just to the bio DC. Including a friend who has no problems sending cards addressed to our DDs. Their adoption is no more genuine than my DNephew’s, but the attitude towards it is different, which is sad.

If that’s the attitude some people have towards couples adopting after having bio DC, it’s hardly surprising that a lot of people don’t get it when a stepparent decides to adopt their OH’s DC.

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 12:30

Well this is not the sort of logic that gets thrown around on the SP board, is it, where if he did NOT treat and view his SS exactly like his own, he would be torn to shreds. Step parents really can't win it seems.

I was sort of thinking this in reverse, to be honest. Women on the step parenting boards are forever being told that of course their husband should love his own DC more and prioritise them above all else, yet here the DS would apparently be utterly selfish to be less than delighted that his dad was doing the opposite of that. I certainly don’t think posters on the SP board should be obliged to love their stepchildren as much as their own, in fact I’d find it concerning if someone said they did.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 12:33

@LizzieW1969

Some friends didn’t get it and they received cards addressed just to the bio DC.

God that's heartbreaking 😞

LizzieW1969 · 17/05/2021 12:34

Actually, my DSis does love her DSS as much as her own DC. She’s a bio mum, adopted mum and stepmum and loves them all the same. But she has a different relationship with her DSS obviously, he calls her by her first name and she’s always been very careful not to step on his bio mum’s toes.

It isn’t concerning, it’s just the kind of person she is.

LizzieW1969 · 17/05/2021 12:35

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes, I agree. I was really shocked when my DSis told me about that. Sad

SimonJT · 17/05/2021 12:36

@Potteringshed

What this thread is showing me is just how shitty many people's attitudes towards adoption are. And, frankly, towards fatherhood. I can't believe how many posters basically seem to believe that me are incapable of genuinely emotionally committing to an adoptive child and could only be doing it for the sake of the mother and can only feel for a child if they are passing on their DNA.
Yep, sadly society in general is fairly negative and extremely ignorant about adoption.