Page 38 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

londonbrunette24 · 17/05/2021 17:28

I’m sorry but am I the only one missing the point here? How has your 16 year old been allowed to get away with this behaviour so far? All of the children, not just her are going through so much right now. This break up affects the children and it’s important they all stay together. You’ve been her Mum for the past 10 years, she needs you. He’s leaving all of the children, so tell him to piss off and meanwhile you establish a routine where she helps you with the younger ones, give her a bit of responsibility, make her feel loved and wanted. She’ll become your best friend and have respect for you as the parent that didn’t turn their back on her.

Pinklemonade1 · 17/05/2021 17:30

Tricky. It is awful of him and really tough for you but I'm guessing she sees you as her Mum and for her to pick up on the fact that you aren't keen to have her and neither is he could be really detrimental to her. I would hope you could work something out with her, even if it's in the short term. Good luck.

Anneeone · 17/05/2021 17:30

I guess it depends upon how long she has lived with you.

ILoveIkea · 17/05/2021 17:30

@londonbrunette24

You haven't rtft have you?

saraclara · 17/05/2021 17:31

@londonbrunette24

I’m sorry but am I the only one missing the point here? How has your 16 year old been allowed to get away with this behaviour so far? All of the children, not just her are going through so much right now. This break up affects the children and it’s important they all stay together. You’ve been her Mum for the past 10 years, she needs you. He’s leaving all of the children, so tell him to piss off and meanwhile you establish a routine where she helps you with the younger ones, give her a bit of responsibility, make her feel loved and wanted. She’ll become your best friend and have respect for you as the parent that didn’t turn their back on her.

She'll become your best friend?

Words fail me. You can't possibly have read all the OP's updates.

Localocal · 17/05/2021 17:32

He is absolutely being unreasonable and horrible to his daughter. I feel vey sorry for her, though, and I don't think I could push her out to live with him and his new GF.

BUT, I could definitely sit her down and tell her that she will have to go live with her dad if she doesn't start helping you. You don't have to be mean about it, but tell her you will be a single parent when DP moves out and you need her help if you are going to make that work with her there too. She has to stop leaving mess anywhere except her own room, keep things calm by being nice to the younger children, do a few specific chores around the house and generally by a helper to you and not a source of stress.

At 16 she may well rise to this challenge magnificently - the feeling of being useful and needed is a tonic to teenage insecurity. She may decide that growing up fast is a small price to pay for staying in what she thinks of as home. Your kids are her blood family, after all, even if you are not.

But if she doesn't rise to the challenge she will have to go live with her dad. Who will need to get an attitude adjustment and learn that his new place is where his new GF lives with him and his daughter and not where his daughter lives with him and his girlfriend. Because a child isn't just for Christmas.

You sound really kind and thoughtful, OP, and I hope this young woman can pull up (and pick up) her socks and be a help to you in what must be a very upsetting and overwhelming transition.

Bertiebiscuit · 17/05/2021 17:33

They Both need to get the f*ck out of your home ASAP - this is intolerable - you are his landlady /flats hare AND free babysitter - no way - he's an arse

Bard6817 · 17/05/2021 17:36

She can’t stay, sorry. That’s all needs be said. Her home is where her dad is.

Shell4429 · 17/05/2021 17:39

I feel sorry for her, it seems like nobody wants her. At the same time, I absolutely see your side of things. Her dad is at fault in all of this. Maybe it’s time for her to reconnect with her mother? My ex stopped me seeing my children after I let him have custody. Long story but my youngest came to live with me when he was 15 and I couldn’t have been happier. The oldest came to live in a nearby town a couple of years ago. I would do anything for them. I don’t know the back story with your SD but she may have a mother who is living for the day she gets in touch.

aimsi · 17/05/2021 17:46

Speak to council now about removing his name from the tenancy and then you can take steps to remove them both. If that’s not possible make enquiries on what steps you’d need to take to move house entirely. Oh and hide your tobacco! Next time madam is disciplining your children and you get the your not my mum reply, try a you won’t want to remain living here then will you.
Most importantly get the ex off the tenancy

exaltedwombat · 17/05/2021 17:48

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StarCourt · 17/05/2021 17:51

MN just continues to astound me

Plunger · 17/05/2021 17:52

I feel so sorry for the girl. Obviously no one wants or cares for her and she probably knows it. No wonder she is difficult. Have a bit of compassion - both of you. Show her someone cares for her and her behaviour will (hopefully) improve. If not lay it on thick that it's your house, your rules.

THEDEACON · 17/05/2021 17:54

His daughter his problem and as you're not married there's not a formal step relationship even Maybe if she was better behaved I'd think differently but no they are both CF

Doesntlooklikeanythingtome · 17/05/2021 17:56

I've had the "you can't tell me what to do your not my mum" card thrown at me quite a few times.

Your not the mum but your the adult who looks after the bills, home and children. If she wants to stay then she follows your rules, if not then go.

CoelacanthSharpener · 17/05/2021 17:56

@exaltedwombat

You have made this child a home and a family for most of her life. Dad is leaving that home and family. Sounds like she's behaving like an annoying teenage girl too. Probably most convenient for everyone if you just shoot her.

Right. Has that shocked you into realising this isn't all about YOU?

Where in the OP's posts do you get the impression she thinks it's all about her?

Because I didn't get that impression at all. Why should it be the OP's job to provide a home for the DSD just because her dad can't be arsed? Especially with the behavioural issues the OP has described?

Oh, wait, let me guess - because she's a woman. Or because she's a stepparent and stepparents are bottom of the food chain according to MN. Or both.

Honestly, some of the people on this site.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/05/2021 17:57

@exaltedwombat

You have made this child a home and a family for most of her life. Dad is leaving that home and family. Sounds like she's behaving like an annoying teenage girl too. Probably most convenient for everyone if you just shoot her.

Right. Has that shocked you into realising this isn't all about YOU?

But who lives in the OP’s house IS about her. The child has a father who can find her a home and look after her there.

IloveJKRowling · 17/05/2021 17:57

What is with all the posters who haven't read the thread? I don't see the point of commenting if you're not going to read the OPs posts at least.

The DSD doesn't consider the OP her Mum and has used this in the past to be nasty and abusive as has her Dad.

The OP is finding it difficult to cope. Do we really think the 16 year old staying and the OP having a nervous breakdown would help anyone? Then ALL the kids would be in care.

No-one seems to be thinking about the other kids and their best interests or the OP's health and ability to cope (even though she's the one that's been cheated on and left). To the point that I'm wondering how many of these posters are the Dad or his new gf (who seemingly doesn't want any kids around)

Naunet · 17/05/2021 18:01

You have made this child a home and a family for most of her life. Dad is leaving that home and family
Sounds like she's behaving like an annoying teenage girl too. Probably most convenient for everyone if you just shoot her

Right. Has that shocked you into realising this isn't all about YOU?

One of the most disgusting posts I’ve seen on this thread, congratulations, I hope you’re really proud of yourself for kicking someone who is really struggling. You clearly haven’t been bothered to even read all of OPs posts first.

saraclara · 17/05/2021 18:02

@exaltedwombat

You have made this child a home and a family for most of her life. Dad is leaving that home and family. Sounds like she's behaving like an annoying teenage girl too. Probably most convenient for everyone if you just shoot her.

Right. Has that shocked you into realising this isn't all about YOU?

It's about her three children. Who are suffering from the SD's malice towards them, and living in the poisonous atmosphere that this girl is creating in their home. Why are they less important than her?

Hoppipolla479 · 17/05/2021 18:04

@exaltedwombat

You have made this child a home and a family for most of her life. Dad is leaving that home and family. Sounds like she's behaving like an annoying teenage girl too. Probably most convenient for everyone if you just shoot her.

Right. Has that shocked you into realising this isn't all about YOU?

Ghastly. Why don’t you seek out her father and lay that abusive rant at his door? Desperately unkind of you.

KizzyMoo · 17/05/2021 18:04

His daughter he needs to take her. Wtf what an arse.

SarahBellam · 17/05/2021 18:05

@londonbrunette24

I’m sorry but am I the only one missing the point here? How has your 16 year old been allowed to get away with this behaviour so far? All of the children, not just her are going through so much right now. This break up affects the children and it’s important they all stay together. You’ve been her Mum for the past 10 years, she needs you. He’s leaving all of the children, so tell him to piss off and meanwhile you establish a routine where she helps you with the younger ones, give her a bit of responsibility, make her feel loved and wanted. She’ll become your best friend and have respect for you as the parent that didn’t turn their back on her.

Yes, you are completely missing the point. She has a father who has parental responsibility for her. It is absolutely not the OP’s job. She is not her mother. She has never called her mother, she has even told her she is not her mother. Even if the child was a paragon of virtue is it not the OP’s job. The child has a biological father she has known and lived with since she was born. The OP does not want to be best buddies with her, and even if she did, it is not her job to take care of her - that responsibility is her fathers. What he has done is vile, but that does not mean that it should be pushed onto the OP. This is not her job.

Lisathegreeter · 17/05/2021 18:05

Is he wanting to leave her with you because that’s what she wants?

IloveJKRowling · 17/05/2021 18:07

And you know what, OP? You only get one life, you deserve to be in control of it. Don't let other people decide what's best for you. You know what's best. Do it, be brave.

I actually genuinely think that it's better for DSD to leave anyway. Because OP can't cope with her there, and things are going to get worse fast. She'd be better off being helped properly by professionals even if her Dad won't step up.

If you let her stay, she won't get any professional help and her Dad won't have to face his responsibility towards her.