To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

sorry my post was in response to cherrytreecottage

This a sad situation. I understand that his daughter would like to stay with you and also remain with her siblings but I agree with you. It's not fair on you. YANBU. You are already experiencing stress in your life so please put yourself first x

1. Your write a list of rules
2. You show them to her
3. She agrees to them
4. If she doesn't, she's out.

It's time she took responsibility. She's 16 and legally an adult pretty much.

Can you call social services and ask for help with a work coach of some sort? More than anything the poor girl has lost all motivation to become anything or do anything with her life. She'll be just like her Mum if she's not careful.

Get her some real help to turn her life around. If she's not going to study she needs a job and she needs to contribute to the bills and an agreed schedule of chores.

You'd have her I think if she got a job and pulled her weight.

But it's the crappy behaviour and shitty attitude and sponging off you that's not OK.

Time to grow up. She's not a kid anymore. It's the best possible thing that could happen to her actually, if she agrees.

You sound remarkably sane and kind. Good luck.

The obvious answer to this is that the the Dad should find his own place with his daughter. The OP has already said that he tried living with this GF before and it didn't work well, them living together, hence why he moved back into the OP's home. BUT he kept seeing the GF.
This is CFery of the first order of magnitude on its own!

He left his DD behind the first time he moved out. She whined when OP tried to give her boundaries and discipline, and her father, the man who had moved out and left her behind, STILL managed to undermine the OP by telling her she couldn't tell his DD what to do.

CFery of the highest!

Then he moves back in, and STILL makes no attempt to actually actively parent his DD, leaving it to the OP to do what she can, while being undermined, taking shit from the layabout DD, AND still trying to parent the 3 younger kids, all of whom can see the sterling example of their older sister's behaviour.

And yet some of you holier-than-thous are still trying to suggest the OP has somehow done wrong, and should "step up"? Oh fuck off.

The only thing the OP has done wrong so far that I can see is to be entirely too nice to the massive CFer she had kids with, by allowing him to stay in her home.

Parenting teens with attitude is hard enough when they ARE your own, and you DO have parental rights over them - it would be an utter nightmare to attempt it with a child with attitude who already tells you that you can't tell them what to do because not a parent, and whose actual parent is a witless cuntweasel who can't be arsed to do the job.

@Pinkflamingoo - your ex is useless. Of course he should take his DD but he's not going to. She can't stay at yours - your 3 kids are going to look at her example and think this is the way they can do it too, when they're older - just no. She needs to go to her nan's, with her Dad, or into some kind of accommodation where they help her to stand on her own two feet, which I'm QUITE sure would necessitate her either being in education or getting a job.

Do please tell your witless ex that you will be reporting him to social services if he attempts to leave his DD with you, with no support again.

Wow, some women (?) keep arguing that the OP needs to take the her step DD even thought the girl doesn’t seem to like her or her younger siblings, drinks, steal cigarettes, do nothing all day and keeps telling the OP that she has no authority as OP isn’t her mother. And that even though OP tried it before and it was awful due to ex (who cheated on OP and moved in with a new woman) constantly undermined OP, it has to be tried again...because....poor girl...and poor dad (?)...

Seriously, why don’t all of you who think that this is a woman’s responsibility, drop OP a DM with your contact details and offer to take this girl in for free (or whatever the deadbeat dad coughs up)? Obviously subject to social services approval? The girl doesn’t seem to like OP anyway and obviously you are all amazing at mothering troubled teenagers where you have no genetic connection and no authority.

Rant over. I feel better now

I think all these posters who are telling OP what they would do, should message her their details so she can send DSD to them.

Ha. I got beaten to my last post

Why do people keep saying it's a feminist thing? Or that people suggesting the op take the child is because they think it's a woman's responsibility? If it was reversed it would all be the exact same. A person has washed their hands of a child and another has the potential to help. Easy for people to say he has to but if someone continues to refuse what can ACTUALLY be done? As I said though, sadly foster care is probably a better option. And no wonder she acts like she does btw

It's a feminist thing. Female=default carer of children.
Talk of the reversed situation is specious as that's not what is happening here.

💯 this from @MothExterminator

Seriously, why don’t all of you who think that this is a woman’s responsibility, drop OP a DM with your contact details and offer to take this girl in for free (or whatever the deadbeat dad coughs up)? Obviously subject to social services approval? The girl doesn’t seem to like OP anyway and obviously you are all amazing at mothering troubled teenagers where you have no genetic connection and no authority.

Think of it like this - if you don't think that the sex of the parents here matter, just think of Parent A and Stepparent B.
Parent A has sole legal parental responsibility. Parent A proposes to leave Stepparent B for a new partner. Parent A thinks their child should stay with Stepparent B. Stepparent B doesn't want to provide a home for this child as they already have 3 other children to take care of.
Would you think that was reasonable?

@MothExterminator spot on!

Take her over to her Nans & leave her there, OP. I know she's ill but then SS can step in and help and/or it will guilt her father into action.

Once she's gone, get some help for you and your children.

best of luck.

What a horrendous position to put OP in. Her own children have to share a room to house this piss-taking madam. Nope! Change the locks and no keys for her in the worst-case scenario.

OP I've read your updates since I originally posted. You absolutely should not feel obligated to keep your DSD living with you. They all treat you appallingly. I am horrified on your behalf. You owe it to yourself and your own DC to build a nice home for the four of you.

What a shitty father !

@stayathomer

Why do people keep saying it's a feminist thing? Or that people suggesting the op take the child is because they think it's a woman's responsibility? If it was reversed it would all be the exact same. A person has washed their hands of a child and another has the potential to help. Easy for people to say he has to but if someone continues to refuse what can ACTUALLY be done? As I said though, sadly foster care is probably a better option. And no wonder she acts like she does btw

I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that. I honestly can’t see people queuing up to tell a man he should provide a home to his ex-wife’s daughter after said ex had run off with someone else. In fact, I think there would be many people who’d question the motives of a man wanting to take in a 16 year-old girl who was no blood relation.

Also, is no one capable of reading updates anymore? The OP has made it clear that her ex hasn’t ‘washed his hands’ of his daughter - the daughter is saying she doesn’t want to live with the new girlfriend. Rather than recognising that he’s the adult and making the choice to either not live with the girlfriend yet, or telling his daughter that it’s hard luck, he’s trying to get the OP to take her in. Emotional blackmail didn’t work, so now he’s getting nasty and saying she’s staying whether the OP wants her or not.

Not fair on you as you end up being the bad guy when it shouldn’t even be a question - ideal ( and normal ) world would be he would take his daughter with him but you make her aware she’s welcome to visit at anytime - I can’t see how else she would feel secure/stable

You have been left in a terrible position. - does she know her Dad doesn’t want to take her with him? Is he suggesting any financial support too?

You need to go with the ‘as you and your daughter have pointed out to me on numerous occasions, I am not her mother, so she will not be able to stay here and needs to leave with you’ answer. If he says no, say you will ring social services and if he gets nasty again (do you mean physically?) then phone the police.

Hope you're ok OP.

You really do need to put yourself first. I think PP who've suggested seeing if you can do a house swap with the council to move from 4 bed to 3 bed might be good as then she won't even WANT to stay with you if there's no room.

she wants to stay with you - I think that's a really lovely reflection on the way she sees you and your relationship

Orthat she knows she can bully OP and get her own way in everything.

He is. He needs to take his daughter with him. You have enough to be getting on with.

I wouldn’t let my own children behave the way your SD does while living with me never mind someone else’s so I’d tel her if she wants to stay she either goes to college or works to pay her way and she follows your rules.

This is insane, this girl is HIS daughter, not yours. She needs to live with him.

That's not to say she won't still see you and her younger siblings but he is mad to think he can leave her with you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad : witless cuntweasel 😂😂😂😂😂😂