Page 36 | To not want DSD to live with me?

PinkFlamingoo · 2021-05-15T22:54:55+00:00

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf). We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!! As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress. I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!! Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out! I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do. AIBU or is he?

TwinsAndTrifle · 17/05/2021 10:18

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

No. The child has made it quite clear "you're not my mother" and the MIL had taken that role initially, but is now too elderly to do it again.

OP has effectively been the maid, looking after a child that isn't hers and shows her zero respect, from a man she isn't married too, who has been with another woman half the time.

Step up? Christ on a bike.

Treemama · 17/05/2021 10:20

Seems like DSD just wants to stay with OP because she can say "you're not my Mum" and get away with everything she feels like.
Since DSD does not want to study or work, she should stay with her granny whom she's very found of and help around the house, run some errands, etc to learn responsibility and self reliance.

Treemama · 17/05/2021 10:21

*fond

EvilPea · 17/05/2021 10:21

Jesus. What a shit situation he’s put you in, and his daughter in.

Poor kid. What an utter wanker.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 10:23

@Babyiskickingmyribs

This girl needs a fresh start. New home, new rules.

I agree. A home with her dad without the girlfriend moving in would be ideal.

Branleuse · 17/05/2021 10:25

So when you said to him "how on earth do you expect her to live with me if im not allowed to tell her off or parent her" What did he say? Did he just say no comment, youll just have to get on with it?

AuntyFungal · 17/05/2021 10:38

It’s the Mrs Merton question to the new GF.

“So, what first attracted you to multi child abandoner Dave?”

TwinsAndTrifle · 17/05/2021 10:43

She has a father who has no reason not to live with her. She has a nan who she has lived with before. That's two options before you even come into it OP.

Put your foot down OP. She's only living in your house because you had a relationship with her dad. That's over. He's moved on, and he needs to house his child.

Where he chooses to do that is not your problem, and you are open to her visiting her half siblings for tea. If he refuses to take her, phone the nan and explain that she needs to come and collect her and then they can sort it out between them. If they both refuse, make it clear you will have to involve social services as this is a child you have no parental responsibility or rights over, technically abandoned in your home.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2021 10:49

@C8H10N4O2

Dropped out of school, no direction, taking smokes off the OP who goes along with it to keep the peace...give me a break. It is clear as day that nobody has been parenting this kid for the last few years

The girl only has one parent and he has neglected to parent her. The OP's attempts to parent her have been actively blocked by both the girl and her father.

Stop trying to guilt the OP and make her responsible for the girl just because she is the most convenient adult female. She has her own DC to consider and frankly I don't believe half the posters on this thread trying to make the OP responsible would consider keeping an out of control 16yr in their own home to trash it and bully their own children. Let alone pay for the privilege.

Men get away with this shit precisely because so many women let them and focus on guilt tripping other women instead of holding men to account.

I agree with EVERY WORD OF THIS POST!

Howshouldibehave · 17/05/2021 10:57

@TwinsAndTrifle

She has a father who has no reason not to live with her. She has a nan who she has lived with before. That's two options before you even come into it OP.

Put your foot down OP. She's only living in your house because you had a relationship with her dad. That's over. He's moved on, and he needs to house his child.

Where he chooses to do that is not your problem, and you are open to her visiting her half siblings for tea. If he refuses to take her, phone the nan and explain that she needs to come and collect her and then they can sort it out between them. If they both refuse, make it clear you will have to involve social services as this is a child you have no parental responsibility or rights over, technically abandoned in your home.

This!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/05/2021 11:04

I wonder if people are missing this from the OP’s last update:

She has said that she doesn't want to live with his new gf. But to be fair any relationship he has she's going to be around! But he does need to put her first and his gf second!

She also said:

I don't get the impression she cares much for her half siblings.

This doesn’t paint a picture of a stepdaughter desperate to stay in the family home with her half-siblings. To me, it looks more like she doesn’t want to move in with her dad and his girlfriend - which isn’t the same as actively wanting to stay with her stepmother and the other children.

The dad has two options here. 1 - He tells his girlfriend that his vulnerable daughter needs him and, for now, the three of them living together just won’t work. 2 - He tells his daughter that he’s the adult here and, whether she wants to live with the girlfriend or not, that’s what’s happening. A decent father would choose option one. However, he seems to have invented a possible option three, where his daughter stays with her stepmother, meaning he doesn’t have to have a confrontation with his girlfriend or his daughter. Whether the OP wants the daughter there doesn’t seem to come into it for him - he just trots out the mawkish ‘But it’s her home! How can you be so cruel?’ line and expects her to fold. Just look how many people on this thread expected the same.

The dad needs to realise option three doesn’t exist. He has to grow up and make a choice.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/05/2021 11:09

@AuntyFungal

It’s the Mrs Merton question to the new GF.

“So, what first attracted you to multi child abandoner Dave?”

I’d love to know if the girlfriend knew from day one that his eldest daughter was by a different mother. I bet she hadn’t realised that OP isn’t the girl’s mother and is now panicking because she’d expected to play stepmom once a fortnight, not full-time.

Lostinthemail · 17/05/2021 11:14

Poor, poor girl, but your responsibility is with your own children. She needs to leave, I’d change the locks. It’s not as if she would be homeless, she has a father she can live with. She can decide she doesn’t want to live with him, she cannot decide however she is staying with you, because you don’t want her there.

funinthesun19 · 17/05/2021 11:21

The thread has been a right eye opener.

I can’t believe so many posters are telling the op she should have the stepdaughter over the actual father. Especially when you factor in the complications like the stepdaughter’s behaviour and attitude towards the op and op’s children.
And the fact that the stepdaughter is very troubled, and needs her dad to just be a dad and step up!
Instead there is an army of women on here quick to pile all of the blame and responsibility on to the op, and the father gets to run off in to the sunset to do whatever the fuck he likes. The op is a single mum of 3 who just wants to be a happy and good mum to her children, and provide them with the stability that they deserve. They will not have that with the stepdaughter living there.

The half siblings don’t need to stay together either. In fact I’m sure it will be a welcome relief for the op’s children for their half sibling to not live there. They need to be apart.

ILoveIkea · 17/05/2021 11:23

@Branleuse

He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me

This is what happened.

Branleuse · 17/05/2021 13:01

yeah i can see the posts id missed now. Sometimes its easy to miss all the details once a thread gets enormous.

cherrytreecottage · 17/05/2021 13:05

I mean, I absolutely think he's an absolute CF - he should not even be considering this as an option! It's his daughter. YANBU!!

That said, she wants to stay with you - I think that's a really lovely reflection on the way she sees you and your relationship. I'm not saying this is the right thing, but a 16yo would rather live with a non biological parent than her own father...that's says a lot. I really really feel for the girl. Someone else has said that you could have a very frank conversation with her and explain if she's living with you, it's by your rules and things need to change. Your EX would also have to fork out for her financially, and not partially....completely!!
I'm shocked he's such a dick, but his DD needs some stability which it doesn't sound like she'll get with him.

Beamur · 17/05/2021 13:06

I'm thinking Dad hadn't considered that the oldest DD is his responsibility and not the OP's

Howshouldibehave · 17/05/2021 13:06

[quote ILoveIkea]@Branleuse

He was insistent she stayed here. I was trying to explain to his that she is his responsibility but he was having none of it. Was really nasty to me

This is what happened.[/quote]
Are you the OP, @ILoveIkea?

Have you decided what to do?

cherrytreecottage · 17/05/2021 13:07

@Branleuse

yeah i can see the posts id missed now. Sometimes its easy to miss all the details once a thread gets enormous.

AH I'm the same boat as you! I skipped as it had got so long! Oops

Notaroadrunner · 17/05/2021 13:10

@cherrytreecottage

I mean, I absolutely think he's an absolute CF - he should not even be considering this as an option! It's his daughter. YANBU!!

That said, she wants to stay with you - I think that's a really lovely reflection on the way she sees you and your relationship. I'm not saying this is the right thing, but a 16yo would rather live with a non biological parent than her own father...that's says a lot. I really really feel for the girl. Someone else has said that you could have a very frank conversation with her and explain if she's living with you, it's by your rules and things need to change. Your EX would also have to fork out for her financially, and not partially....completely!!
I'm shocked he's such a dick, but his DD needs some stability which it doesn't sound like she'll get with him.

Read the ops posts at least. Her wanting to stay is not a reflection on their relationship. The girl tells op she's not her mother whenever op tries to parent her, she's nasty to her half siblings, she doesn't take heed of any rules that op set the last time her dead beat father left. Her staying with op will not work, in the same way it did not work the last time he left her with op.

ILoveIkea · 17/05/2021 13:12

@Howshouldibehave
Thankfully not no, Bran had asked upthread what his response to taking dad with him was.

ILoveIkea · 17/05/2021 13:12

*dsd

Felifox · 17/05/2021 13:18

I feel some sympathy for the dsd as she's clearly not being educated nor does she appreciate her home or have respect for OP But OP as a single unsupported parent has to prioritise her own 3 dcs so she can't be expected to take responsibility or cope with dsd.

frazzledasarock · 17/05/2021 13:19

@Branleuse

yeah i can see the posts id missed now. Sometimes its easy to miss all the details once a thread gets enormous.

SD literally wants to stay with OP so she has a place to doss, and steal smokes and do as she pleases.

Think we'd all like a place like that, no bills no chores, no responsibility, everything paid for, hot food available on cue, not a penny required, can eat and drink whatever one wants without worry about paying for anything, laundry done, secure clean house to trash at will, nobody to actually tell you what to do you have no rules to live by.

Would be hard pushed to find a single person who objects to that set up.