To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

I've had the "you can't tell me what to do your not my mum" card thrown at me quite a few times

Then it's time to throw it back.

She goes with him.

If she refuses, pack her stuff in binbags, and have it ready for her to take. Change the locks so she an'tget ito the house (because I'll bet she won't give her key back).

Be firm - if she( or he) causes trouble, ring the police and explain that you have three young children and they are frightened (it won't be a lie, because they will be if she kicks office this).

Your health and your children's health is more important. You can't save all the world, but you can protect your young children.

And follow previous advice re: social services/CMS etc.

*can't get into

*off in , not office

I think it would be cruel to separate her from her half siblings though

No it sounds like it would be in the best interests of the other 3 children actually.

She has been in your life for 10 years (since she was 6) so whilst you might not have parental responsibility you have still essentially been in the role of 'mum' (her only mum seen as though your partner has had full custody since age 3) throughout her childhood so I imagine she would feel incredibly abandoned/unloved if you were to kick her out of the family home because you no longer want to deal with her whilst her siblings remained.

@pennylane83

She has been in your life for 10 years (since she was 6) so whilst you might not have parental responsibility you have still essentially been in the role of 'mum' (her only mum seen as though your partner has had full custody since age 3) throughout her childhood so I imagine she would feel incredibly abandoned/unloved if you were to kick her out of the family home because you no longer want to deal with her whilst her siblings remained.

And how might she feel about her actual biological father abandoning her to go and live the life of Riley with his gf?

That’s ok because ....?

Dropped out of school, no direction, taking smokes off the OP who goes along with it to keep the peace...give me a break. It is clear as day that nobody has been parenting this kid for the last few years

The girl only has one parent and he has neglected to parent her. The OP's attempts to parent her have been actively blocked by both the girl and her father.

Stop trying to guilt the OP and make her responsible for the girl just because she is the most convenient adult female. She has her own DC to consider and frankly I don't believe half the posters on this thread trying to make the OP responsible would consider keeping an out of control 16yr in their own home to trash it and bully their own children. Let alone pay for the privilege.

Men get away with this shit precisely because so many women let them and focus on guilt tripping other women instead of holding men to account.

@caringcarer

I had a foster son of 14 almost 15. He came to me at 5. He is often very difficult due to the baggage he came with and his birth family constantly no letting him down on planned contact. I get an allowance to care for him which will stop when he is 18. He will have a home with us for as long as he wants to be with us. Somewhere along the way he stole our hearts. I feel so sad for your dsd. She will know she is not loved or wanted. I take in kids like her and honestly their self esteem is often on the floor.

I'm sorry but choosing to be a foster carer, from a point of financial, emotional and family stability, (and presumably with the support of a reliable partner) is entirely different from OP's situation.

Have some humility and empathy rather than using this thread to publicly pat yourself on the back.

I'm gobsmacked at the replies to this thread;honestly how are we still at the stage in 2021 where just because someone has a vagina then they are automatically responsible for the kids they've not pushed out of it?

Come on folks;yes she coupled up with a bloke with a small child but how does that mean she becomes responsible for said child when dad runs after other women's vagina's?

The 16 year isn't OP's legal responsibility,the 16 doesn't see her as her mum,the 16 year openly dislikes OP and the 3 half siblings OP is the mother off.

As I'm already said on here the OP's exe's new GF probably doesn't want his DD living with them which is why he's pushing the responsibility on OP.

You almost have to feel sorry for the kid having 2 biological parents who don't give a toss about her.

I would be interested in how many of the posters that are going on about the OP’s obligations towards this girl have actually been in this situation? Or have lived in a dysfunctional stepfamily.

Of course it is terrible for the girl. Of course she has been terribly let down by both her biological parents. I can imagine that her father’s previous stunt of leaving the family home (and all his children) to move in with his mistress was traumatic.

But this girl is off the rails. She is 16, refuses school, refuses work, smokes and drinks. She also is mean to OP and her younger siblings. OP is at a breaking point. OP will already have to pick up the pieces of her life as a single mum with three children and emotionally deal with the grief of her partner leaving her and (presumably) cheating on her.

It would be hard to parent a 16 year old who is off the rails in any circumstances. When you don’t have any parental authority because the father of said child undermines it at every turn and the child herself keeps throwing “you are not my mother” at you, it is impossible.

Then there is the financial implications. Do people here really think that OP (already on social housing and benefits) not would be significantly worse if taking in a teenager whose dad has no interest in parenting?

OP, whoever sad for the girl, you cannot do this. It seems that you financially and emotionally are at a breaking point. The girl doesn’t respect you. What happens when the girl doesn’t come home one evening (drinking at a friends house), wants sleepovers at boyfriends etc? Will you pack all your other children in the car to go looking for her? Will she listen to you? What if she falls in with the wrong crowd and things gets worse?

For everyone’s sake, please do not take this girl in.

Men get away with this shit precisely because so many women let them and focus on guilt tripping other women instead of holding men to account

Yep.

Also - what's with all the people not reading OP's posts? The DSD does NOT see OP as a mother figure - and constantly uses this to undermine her. She sees her grandmother as a mother figure.

The grandmother can advise and be involved in decisions even if not able to care for DSD full time (as apparently she did when her son shirked his parental responsibility previously - there's a pattern of him dumping all his responsibilities on women).

DSD is deserving of sympathy and help but it needs to come from elsewhere than the OP. The OP even said in her opening post she cannot cope.

Lots of kids have to move around, no child is entitled to stay in the same house for all of their childhood. Home is where your parent (with parental responsibility) is.

OP, just say no, involve social services. Be kind to yourself and the children you are truly responsible for. Don't sacrifice yourself and your children to this toxic dynamic just because your ex (who's just left you - why should you listen to him?) tells you to. When you've recovered you can have DSD to visit and build a better relationship between her and her siblings - I see a much better chance of this happening if she's not living with you.

The attitude to step mothers on this site is shocking.
Constantly told to keep our noses out, they aren't our children.
Until it comes to paying for them, caring for them and now apparently taking sole care of an off the rails teen.

OP - Your ex is being a terrible parent, and frankly God's most selfish man. His daughter is off the rails. You can't martyr yourself to this, and you have 3 other children to care for.

Call social services and get help.

@caringcarer

If you were to agree she could stay provided she followed your house rules would her Dad make sure you had plenty of cash to bring her up? Teens are so expensive. I think it would be cruel to separate her from her half siblings though. I would give her a chance but I would sit her down and go through house rules and make her sign up to them.

Anyone that thinks it would be cruel to seperate her from her half siblings clearly hasn't spared a second of thought for the wellbeing of the younger children, who sound like they would benefit enormously from the separation.

In any case, what do you think normally happens when couples with their own children as well as a step child seperate? I would most likely be RP to my DD if I split with my DP and let me tell you now, there wouldn't be a suggestion from anyone that DSS would stay with me so they aren't seperated!

i dunno, I think a lot of people seem to collate lots of different womens views and add them together as if theres some consensus of opinion, or that its just two sided and never the twain shall meet.

Fact is, the girls mother is useless, and the girls grandmother is ill, and the girls father is an utter prick who wants to abandon her.

none of this is OPs responsibility and you are perfectly within your rights to say no way, expecially considering the girl hasnt exactly been easy to deal with.
On the other hand, some of the battles that have been had with not allowing OP to parent the girl, would be very different surely if the dad moved out. If she pulled the old "youre not my real mum" crap, then you would have much more clout to say no, and youre not my kid, but youre living under my roof, so shape up and do what im asking you to do. You may well find the structure and the change of dynamics with not being able to play you off against her dad actually improves things and settles her, and then you are left with a young person that respects you more and youve made a big impact in their life. You could set out some ground rules that you dont sway on.She helps you as another young adult in the house. You may even be able to claim money as fostering her.

@Branleuse OP tried that already. Her idiot of an ex moved in with his other chick once before and left his daughter behind. The girl followed no rules and called her dad to whine if OP was trying to establish boundaries. The charming ex then called and shouted at OP.

OP has tried exactly this before and those experiences are a big part of her not wanting to do it again - with the same child but older and more off the rails...

OP. Yes, it's very sad for a child who has two biological parents who don't give a rat's arse. And you have done over and above what you needed too, given her behaviour back, for the last (ten?) years.

I know it doesn't make it easier for you to live with guilt wise, but this is not your problem to fix. You aren't putting her into care. She's got a perfectly capable father, who can't be arsed. If he ends up putting her into care, then that's his call and you can't keep making it your problem. You can not put yourself through this anymore.

I say it in the nicest way, that your are a nobody. Not the mother, the father, a relative, a stepmother. You are the ex girlfriend of this child's father. This is not your mess. Please see that. Who's this man to tell you as a "nobody" that you should be raising his actual child instead of him??? Jeeez.

You sound lovely. You sound taken advantage of. Phone social services and explain the situation. She's going with him. He can deal with his own child from there.

@Branleuse Besides the fact that she has already tried all that and it didn't work, OP does not WANT to foster this child. What part of that is hard to understand or can be worked around by "maybe you just do it anyway"?

oh i missed that it had been tried. I thought he hadnt moved out yet

Cheeky bastard!
He is responsible for homing his daughter.
Of course you care about her but wtf? Does he think it is okay to absolve himself of responsibility and live a single lifestyle??
What a tool

The attitude to step mothers on this site is shocking.
Constantly told to keep our noses out, they aren't our children.
Until it comes to paying for them, caring for them and now apparently taking sole care of an off the rails teen.

Absolutely. I'm not a step mother, but I find that attitude to them on here entirely hypocritical and illogical. I really hope neither of my daughters find themselves in that position. It seems like an impossible role.

Op, what are you going to do?

I think you need to make it clear to this man that you mean business and he can’t just fuck off and do what he wants.

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

Buy her biological dad can swan off with his new girlfriend? Wow!

*but

I sympathise with this girl, she seems like she’s had a rough life- but that does not make her your responsibility or give her a free pass to be a nightmare to deal with.
Put your foot down. Your ex seems to be relying on the fact that you don’t want to be a bigger bastard than HE is being. But she is his child. He needs to deal with finding her a place to stay if she won’t stay with you.

You may even be able to claim money as fostering her

No. The OP can not cope, doesn’t not want to cope and shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for this! It’s been tried, it didn’t work and it’s not fair on OP.

This is the father’s responsibility and the sooner he realises that, the better. OP needs support to rebuild her life without this waster, not someone else’s teenager to manage on top of raising three smaller children alone.