Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

@Dingleydel

This is what AA would say, but if you spoke to a psychologist they'd say that the end goal of behaviour change can be anything the patient wants,

This is interesting. Is this the most recent way of thinking? I was always under the impression that total abstinence was the only cure but recently a relative of mine was treated for alcoholism (physical dependence) and the guy at the alcohol services asked them what their ‘goal’ was. I was horrified that they didn’t have a clue what they were doing. This person started out binge drinking (eventually the binge didn’t stop) but could go for weeks without any alcohol in the 1st stages of the illness. It’s does present in different ways. I think they key thing for the ops situation is the fact that dh is lying. If he is genuinely is binge drinking a handful of times per year that’s not great for a father but hardly unusual. But the dishonesty suggests he is ashamed.

I completely agree. & in this case his dependence is only psychological, not physical. So a psychological approach to treatment is the most appropriate. Complete abstinence is a biological treatment and more suitable for someone who literally has to drink every day to function.

& even then they wouldn't just go "cold turkey" as that can be fatal, they'd need to be weaned off it gradually with abstinence being the end goal.

My late dp's best friend held down a full time job whilst being an alcoholic for years, nobody who didn't know him well would have known the level he drank to. Last year he dropped dead due to fatal internal bleeding caused by his alcohol use. You don't know how much damage your dh has done to his liver through drinking, my dp didn't until he woke up one morning looking 9 months pregnant due to ascites caused by cirrhosis of the liver, he was dead within 4 months. It was the most horrific thing I have ever seen watching him dying from it, he was 34 years old, should have been in the prime of his life, not shuffling round like an old man, shaking worse than someone suffering from Parkinson's. The cognitive symptoms were awful, he had total memory lapses, often couldn't speak properly, fell out of bed with the twitches, slept 18 hours a day, the mood swings & tantrums. His body was shutting down over the 4 months, he suffered nosebleeds, a simple thing like getting shaved left the bathroom looking like a slaughterhouse, he couldn't eat, was vomiting daily, wet himself, couldn't wash or dress himself towards the end. He died drowning in his own blood as his lungs filled with blood, his liver & kidneys failed a week before he died, his blood wouldn't clot, he had been in intensive care due to a near fatal seizure. You don't want your dc being witness to any of that, but they could be if you weaken & take him back.

My dad is an alcoholic. As a child I would step over him slumped on the floor in the house after a binge. I was so used to him drunk it was normalised. Eventually he hit his rock bottom and made a choice to attend AA and his life changed (he is not religious).

He has been sober 35 years. He still attends AA every week and takes one day at a time. He is now a wonderful inspirational man who helps others but it was so hard to live with as a child.

I and my mum also attended Al-anon and they are so helpful with great support and advice.

Your DH needs to do it for himself but you can go to Alanon anyway even if he doesn't attend AA.

My uncle is an alcoholic.
He had a group of friends around ten of them some in their 30s some 60s and in between.
They have all died except him, really horrible awful deaths. Yet to them it was laughs and jokes daily and just having a drink. My uncle hasn't changed at all he's just found a new group of "friends" now. The stress he has caused my Nan is unbelievable, this has been going on since he was around 20 he's now 60 this year and my Nan is 79.
It just doesn't end for some people and drags everyone else around you down. Get out now.

He can't go to AA op if he won't stop drinking and doesn't regard himself as an alcoholic.

You need to keep an eye out for the empties - boot of the car was my alcoholic Dad's place of choice or at the back of his kids wardrobes.

If you believe that he hasn't been drinking except for the occasional lapse then you are as delusional as he is.

Good luck, you will need it.

Oh and at the top of the road in the bushes - my Dad liked to have a few cans on the way back from picking us up from clubs. Used to lob the empties in the bush.

It was a lively journey being driven by a pissed Dad. It was mostly ok except the time he nearly killed my sister and I on the way to school by driving us into the back of a lorry at speed.

You need to take off the rose coloured glasses OP. You married a drinker. Who will always be a drinker, until it fucks up his internal organs. You've got your head in the clouds and you're exposing children to his addiction. His primary relationship is with alcohol and not you. It's not that he wants to prioritise you, it's that he can't.

My granddad was an alcoholic who died at 58, and so were my uncles. One died at 47, the other had massive organ failure at 45 and only just survived.

@HelpMePlease2021

How are you doing?

You need to keep an eye out for the empties - boot of the car was my alcoholic Dad's place of choice or at the back of his kids wardrobes.

No. Don’t keep an eye out for the empties. They will be there, but you will drive yourself insane looking for them. No cupboard, toilet cistern or wellington boot will ever look the same again if you go down that road. It’s a pointless endeavour. Look after yourself and your children and leave the adult to be an adult ie determine his own path.

OP still thinks he will be able to stop drinking when he doesn't think he has a problem and has told he he can't contemplate never drinking again. This is not a man who is ready to get help.

For those in denial, looking for empties is the only truth you have - alcoholics lie like the rest of us breathe.

Or she can choose to listen to him make it her job to 'help' him, ignore his drinking and hope the next time he grabs the baby nobody gets hurt.

Well, this will be unpopular but I have read all this and I'm not convinced he is an alcoholic and I have known many.
Insisting he has to be 'honest' may be forcing him to lie to suit what you are expecting to hear.
A lot of people posting here have their own histories they are drawing from.
But obviously you'll do what you want to do.

@Nothingyet What’s your definition of an alcoholic?