Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

Adult child of alcoholic here. OP, I am sorry for what you are going through but please protect your children from life with an alcoholic parent.

My childhood still affects me very badly. It also affected my relationship with the non-drinking parent, who refused to leave and did not give her children a safe environment. I wish you strength and good luck

Oh OP your post is so unbelievably sad so sending a big hug your way. I was married to a secret drinker/alcoholic. The fact he is still working is amazing - for now.

My exh also had anxiety and depression and used alcohol to self medicate. Possibly he is doing this? Problem with self medicating is the alcohol take over.

Step 1 - he has a accept their is a problem. If he can't, you can't help him. His gp will have details of support in the community. My exh while he was trying to withdraw used to go to an outreach centre locally for support

Step 2 - shock or wake up call. Currently it's quite 'safe' for him in his family home. My exh did say when I left he hit a rock bottom and did start getting help. Hopefully today he will realise how serious you are about his drinking.

I used to show my exh I had found his stash. Just led to more rows.

Lastly - what ever he says - you are not to blame - alcoholics have a nasty way of blaming everyone else.

Also - why are you overdrawn? Drinking is a very expensive hobby.

And you can tell him what happened to my exh - he died. Drank himself to death on his own.

And to try and shock him

Yes he is an alchoholic, until he realises that and seeks help, he won't change.

I grew up with a secret drinking alcohol dependent dad and it was shit. Get out, if only for the sake of your children.

Can your other children’s dad help you ?

I am going to give you another perspective as I am an alcoholic in recovery.

I massively identified with the shop story and lies and deceit trying to buy an extra 20 minutes to throw more booze down my neck before going home. It's a horrendous trap and there's a point where you (subconsciously sometimes) realise you can't hide it anymore so then shame and guilt kick in - but to shut those feelings down you need to drink more. So you just need to get to blackout stage so you don't have to face the music.

It's selfish and childish and pathetic - but it's also terrifying and lonely and, in my case and it sounds like DH case, completely out of your control. I had lost all control of my drinking.

I didn't want to be like that, I hated myself, I was ashamed and consumed with guilt every time I failed to stop (every single day). So I drank more. I retreated further into myself again to try to hide from what I'd become and what I was doing. It was a dark and frightening existence.

There is a small chance that he might just be desperate enough to want help. That is your best bet for your marriage to continue. That this is his wake up call, his rock bottom.

I would always be insanely defensive over my drinking as I was so frightened that someone would take it away if I admitted it was a problem. So if I was ever challenged I would double down and spout all the nonsense I'd convinced myself was true about why poor me had to drink. Unless he's hit that point of desperation this is what you will get from him.

However, if there's anything in you that could (and I totally understand if and why there wouldn't be) encourage him to open up / admit defeat it might be the right moment. If you could come at it from "I know you're a good man and I love you and I'm sure that behaving like this and letting us down all the time must be destroying you. I know that you want to be a better person and you never set out to get that drunk but look - you might be an alcoholic which means you have lost all control and it's not your fault. There's loads of help and support out there and I am here to support you in getting help.

But if you refuse to acknowledge or get help then that is you fault and we are over"

Then leave him to make his decision.

It might not be his rock bottom though. Alcoholism is a baffling and powerful disease so please do look at al-anon for support for yourself.

OP, you need to find it in you to kick him out, but from reading your posts, I’m almost certain you won’t and instead you’ll hope this baby will finally be the thing to set him on the right path. Especially if he’s full of ‘hangover remorse’ bullshit today.

It won’t change because of the baby, by the way. It didn’t for your last one. It never changes until they want to change, and sometimes not even then. Don’t do this to your children or yourself.

How old are you and your partner, by the way?

He’s an alcoholic.

My father was an alcoholic. My mum never left him but I got used to being picked up at school by her with a bag and saying we were spending a few days at my nan’s when she’d had enough.

I never usually comment in threads and say ‘leave him’ but growing up in a house with an alcoholic is horrendous. My father didn’t drink every day but when he did he would binge and it was awful. He once fell in a canal and nearly drowned. The police brought him home. He would sit and cry and tell us that he wouldn’t drink again - imagine being 6/7/8 and seeing your dad cry? When he was sober he was a great dad but those moments were few and far between.

My father’s drinking had really affected me. On the surface I seem okay - I’m a teacher, have a wonderful DH and children but actually I take medication for anxiety and have OCD. I don’t trust people easily.

I’ve never been a single parent and not sure how difficult it would be for you to leave but I would weight up security versus emotional well being.

OP he has to want to change. Leave him and he will hit rock bottom. Tell him if he gets help you will come back. Or try to work with him to get treatment. First you need to find out if he's been drinking spirits everyday. Alcohol withdrawal is no joke and can cause seizures and death. He had to get medical help to treat the addiction. Good luck to you both.

@HelpMePlease2021

I do know he would never drink at work, he works at a biotech company as a manager and he would be fired immediately if he did. He values his career and would never put it at risk. He just clearly doesn’t value his marriage as much as that or the children and I

I just wonder how long he’s been deceiving me now and how oblivious I’ve been

My mum was a functioning alcoholic. She continued to work and got away with it. She worked in a rehab centre and even they didn't notice until very late on (10 is years later)

Don't be too hasty.
I drank like your husband does. Kept a good job down , earned well. I accepted I had a drink problem but I liked drinking and getting drunk. Similar to smokers who know the health risks.
Nothing disastrous happened. I still drank for another two decades after a major bust up, but I did it late at night, it didn't really affect my job, eventually I quit drinking,
We are now both in early retirement, comfortably off, children settled and happy.

I've supported alcoholic clients and have alcoholic friends who are in recovery. I've also worked with clients who have other addictions.

There are two things I know about addicts that would stop me ever continuing a relationship with someone who has an addiction.

The first is that the thing they're addicted to is the most important thing in their lives. It comes before work, partner, family, money, health - everything.

The other is that they lie. They will tell you anything to cover up the fact that they're using/drinking, spending money on their addiction, engaging in other risky behaviours to facilitate their addiction and so on.

I really feel for you, OP, and know that realising your DH is an addict is heartbreaking and shocking. But if I were in your shoes, I would end this relationship, and I'd do it today.

Op, I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever decision you make regarding your pregnancy, you should not feel bad about it. Look after yourself and your DC. What your DH wants does not come into it at the moment. He is currently unable to parent his existing DC.

Do you know why the relationship with the mother of his 1st DC broke down?

A lot of helpful advice OP. Nothing extra to add except you've got this. You can do this .

As others have said, alcoholism isn't defined by how much or how often he drinks. It's defined by whether he is displaying addictive behaviours. Leaving work at 8pm and getting home an hour and a half later having drunk a bottle of rum? He's an alcoholic.

Personally I'd have a termination in these circumstances. But good luck with whatever you decide

I'm glad you've woken up to this and think you're being very sensible. Whatever you decide to do with this pregnancy, one thing I have to say is that there's obviously something going on with you and having children that is perhaps worth taking some time thinking over. You had three children - the youngest still young enough to think of him as their dad - and then you had another baby with him quickly, two miscarriages, and then you wanted this next child so 'desperately' that you were willing to let him use it as a bargaining tool to hoodwink you into staying with him. None of this is about blaming you for your decisions or actions, but it is concerning and feels like a reason why you might not have been wise to his alcoholism (despite saying how triggering it is for you with your family history) is because you're not only busy with the DC you have (understandably! anyone would have their hands full with that many, plus his in the mix) but also focused on having more. Do you know why this is? Is it worth getting some counselling support for yourself? Because it seems like there's some deep need you're trying to fill or maybe its intrinsically linked to helping distract you from the bad stuff? Please don't misunderstand me, you clearly love your DC and I'm sure you're a great mother to them, but this timeline is alarming, as is not seeing all the signs (him being shitfaced even before you met!) and thinking your marriage was "solid" when it had already been on the brink.

Wishing you the love and strength to push through this and raise your children in a happier family without him.

Thank you all for posting, I’ve read all the messages and am taking it all on board.

To answer a few questions my ex and I are no contact but he does pay maintenance through the CMS.

He told me his previous relationship broke down as they grew apart. I have no way of knowing if that’s true or not.

So I barely slept last night, he kept shouting in his sleep and disturbing the baby so I kept having to settle her. She woke up at 8am. Usually he gets up with her and gives her breakfast etc as he’s an early riser so let’s me have a lay in. But he just lay in bed shushing her and didn’t get up. So I did while he stayed in bed.

He woke up half an hour ago and the first thing he said is: I know, I’m sorry okay. Said he had a stressful day, needed, no wanted a drink and make a silly mistake. Insists he doesn’t have a problem and that he isn’t an alcoholic. I think his vision of an alcoholic is like mine was- drinking daily. But I said if you feel like you need a drink, drink when you’re stressed and can’t make good choices eg getting your children milk. Clearly you have a problem with your relationship with alcohol and that’s something you need to get help for. He doesn’t think he has a problem so I told him he can’t get help if he won’t admit he needs it. I told him I need him to leave, that this isn’t the relationship I want to model for the children and that I can’t help him until he admits he needs help. I told him I love him and that I want our marriage to work but not like this. That I will support him when he’s ready.

He didn’t want to leave as has nowhere to go but I’ve told him I can’t live like this and need space. So he is going to a hotel. He asked for how long but I told him that’s up to him. I can’t give a time frame. He’s packed a suitcase and told the children he has to go away for work.

I also told him I can’t keep this baby. That I won’t bring it into a broken home, I wanted to raise the children together in a happy marriage but if our marriage isn’t stable I can’t bring a child into it. He doesn’t want me to terminate, wants me to wait and said he will get help. But I feel like that’s just lip service and he doesn’t mean it. I told him it will devastate me to end this pregnancy but I have to think about the other children. I also told him our marriage may not survive this anyway as I feel he has forced me into this with his drinking. He says he’s made mistakes but it doesn’t happen often and only sometimes so he thinks it’s okay. He swears he hasn’t been drinking secretly and this is a one off and the only time. But thanks to the support here I don’t believe him and know he’s lying to me. If he can’t admit it then he won’t get help.

He also said he didn’t drink the whole bottle of rum and that he threw half away

He’s spending time with the kids before he goes. I feel so empty and sad. This is so so difficult

It doesn't matter whether you give him the "alcoholic" label. Do you want to live like this forever? Because that's what you are facing if you stay with him. His actions have shown you what he likes to do, and how he chooses to live his life.

And I say this as someone who drinks too much - I have wine nearly every night, which I am planning to address. That said, I have never done any of the things that your DH has. I only drink once I am at home, in my jammies, and all responsibilities of the day are finished - and my kids are grown up any way (I didn't drink when they were small).

I grew up with an alcoholic father. It was chaotic at times, as he was a nasty drunk. He's now almost 80, and guess what? He still drinks every single day / night, and cannot do anything that would interrupt that - so, for eg. he can't go anywhere at night that would involve driving. The second he arrives at anyone's home, no matter what time of day it is, his opening gambit is "this is a dry house".

Can you live like this forever?

OP as others have said, the term “alcoholic” is moot, your DH’s behaviour is unacceptable, incompatible with family life and would seem to be beyond his control. So for those reasons this can’t go on.

You don’t have to terminate, you have a choice and I’m sure you will make the best decision either way. But it is your choice.

He also said he didn’t drink the whole bottle of rum and that he threw half away hmm

This is a lie.

Well done OP. It’s utterly heartbreaking that you have to do this but you are taking control of your life. Ultimately you will look back at this point and know this is when you started to truly make good decisions.

OP, I hold my hand up and admit that I don't have the most balanced relationship with alcohol - I grew up in a teetotal home, and lived a sheltered, strictly religious lifestyle up until a few years ago. I don't always know my limits, and feel embarrassed about taking it too far sometimes. But we're talking about maybe one bottle of wine over the course of an evening, forgetting to drink water, and suffering with a hangover the next day. My DC are still safe, fed and looked after, and I don't put our household finances at risk.

Do you think your DH could say the same, if he were looking after the children on his own?

This situation is painful, to be sure - but you simply trusted someone you love to be honest with you. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry you have to deal with the fallout of it; this isn't fair.

Well done for having the conversation
It's the first step in the right direction

Well done OP. I'm sorry he doesn't feel it's an issue, hopefully he will have some time to reflect while in the hotel .

I’m so sorry op.

I think even one or two of those incidents would have been enough for me to revaluate the relationship. You have been incredibly patient.

You knew he had a drinking problem before you married him. Even on his wedding day he got plastered.

Yet you decided to have a baby with him.

And, now are pregnant with another.

In the nicest way possible, what were you thinking? He, whether an actual alcoholic or not, is an alcohol abuser. He has serious problems and was getting drunk carrying your first baby around with a JD bottle in his hand. That would have been more than enough then for me to leave him or get my tubes tied.

You have NEVER had a stable marriage. Right from day one, your relationship has been very unstable. He is irresponsible, he has lied to you repeatedly, he has embarrassed you at Christmas, he has hid his drinking. How do you think it is possible for you to bring yet another innocent child into this? I would think seriously about if continuing the pregnancy is a wise decision. Because, either you are going to continue being in a relationship with a seriously unstable person with a drinking problem who is irresponsible around his children, passes out and swears at you; OR you are going to be a single mum to a toddler/young child and a newborn.

Or, thirdly, you could choose to be just a single mother to one child.

Regardless, this is a very unstable marriage and has been since the day you met him.

He never changed before you married him.

He never changed after you married him (I would argue the wedding night where he got plastered was indicator of what the marriage would be like).
He never changed before you had your first baby.
He never changed after you had your baby.
He hasn't changed now, and you are pregnant.

Look, this guy will never change. Respectfully, can you see that? He will never, Never, NEVER change. As the daughter of an alcoholic father who I saw stumbling drunk so many times and will never forget his face, I can tell you that you need to make a choice about this pregnancy, and ultimately about your marriage. Your child/ren will know their father as the stumbling drunk who passes out and swears at their mother. Trust me, I know from experience; it fucks you up mentally and emotionally.

He has been drinking in secret all along, and I think you know that. He hasn't changed. He won't change. Please make a decision to leave him asap regardless of what you do with your pregnancy. He will not change, the massive red flags where there from the day you met him, and it was clear he was who he was and would never change, you simply ignored those massive neon red flags. Choose how you want your child/ren to live. He will never be honest with you. He will never be the husband/father you want/need him to be.

He will never change. You know it. So you need to be the change and make the change you and your DC need.