Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

Wow OP well done. You really laid it on the line for him.

Unfortunately I agree that it was a lie that he threw away half the bottle.

He’s an alcoholic. Until he admits it there’s little hope of this situation changing. I’m sorry op.

Sorry OP, I posted without Reading The Full Thread (something I usually don't do), I figured as it only had around 99 posts at that time, it wouldn't have been as fast-moving.

Good on you for being assertive and making him leave. And, yeah, nah - if he 'threw half of it away' he would have thrown the bottle away, too. Why would he hang on to an empty bottle? It doesn't make sense. He said he was sorry but at the same time was still lying to you. You can't trust him when he makes such a silly lie that isn't even plausible.

I think you've made the right decision OP.

I respectfully disagree with some posters, he CAN change, but it's a long and drawn out process that in the beginning needs him to admit he has a problem, and it doesn't sound like he is able to do this yet.

I am an alcoholic in recovery, and I also used to drink like this. It took me a couple of years of stopping and starting to realise truly that I had a problem and was never going to achieve moderation. So, I would say that even if he does manage to turn this around, it will be a long time coming.

Big hugs to you, you can absolutely do this and give your children the life that they deserve and that YOU deserve too.

He’s obviously lying about the rum. And as he’s drunk a whole bottle of rum, he has a big tolerance, which in turn shows he’s almost certainly drinking at other times.

I applaud you laying it on the line, but I can see a danger here. And that’s you threatening to get a termination unless he changes. Please don’t use the pregnancy in that way. If he changes (big if) then it needs to be because he wants to and is ready, not because of the mother of all emotional blackmails. Only you can make the decision about whether to continue with this pregnancy.

Wow this could be my exH. Note the ‘ex’.
After 7 years of trying to help him quit, lying, secret drinking, bad behaviour, support from alcohol services, I realised I couldn’t change him, and he wouldn’t change. He’s an alcoholic and I believe will be for life. I divorced him.
I really think all you can do is divorce him. Literally nothing you say will make him change.
Yes he has a drink problem. There’s no point you policing his drinking as he’ll just do it secretly and lie, as you’ve found. Sorry you’ve found yourself in this position

Well done on making the decision to ask him to leave and good luck with the rest of the decisions you need to make.

He is certainly an alcoholic, and as you have said, you thought an alcoholic is someone who drinks daily as opposed to someone who binges. The history of alcoholism in your family has coloured how you view it.

Interesting how you say you have made bad decisions in the past. I think it's perhaps time to consider getting a bit of counselling if possible. You will eventually realise that you didn't "have to" do things like collecting your alcoholic husband at the train station, in fact this is enabling his behaviour. Its common in partners of alcoholics, and creates misery in the lives of their children (been there).

You need to go on a journey of self discovery to discover why the red flags early in your relationship weren't enough for you to step back. Something in your background has trained you to think its acceptable for someone who loves you to treat you like this. It's not.

Your husband has his own self discovery battle ahead. But you cant make him change. Look after yourself.

And even in the very unlikely event that he did throw half the rum away, that's also the action of someone with a drinking problem. The brief resolution to stop, throw it all away... and then backpedal when the panic sets in and deny the problem again. But I agree he's lying - and that the ability to drink that much tells you everything about his tolerance and therefore regular intake.

Well done for seeing clearly and being decisive. Personally I think you're extremely wise to focus on the kids you have now and not have another, but I also worry he's going to use your pregnancy to emotionally manipulate you into believing he'll change, so please hang onto this clarity and resolve. Hopefully having him out of the house will help a lot.

Well done for laying it on the line for him. I think you know he's lying about the half bottle, and I sincerely hope that his denial that he has a problem will help you decide what you do going forward. I strongly recommend getting some support for yourself - being the partner of an alcoholic ( or any addict) is a lonely feeling. Been there, done that - mine died at age 58, 11 days before the nisi was pronounced.

Have a look at this list: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services and I hope you will reach out to one of these organisations so that you can talk (probably online) to people who have been exactly where you are now. You aren't alone.

I hope that giving your husband consequences for his behaviour (and following through) will trigger a response - but given what he has said to you today, I think it's unlikely. But you've got a clear head on your shoulders, you've shown that you can handle the hard truth and in the end, you'll be fine.

So sorry op.
I knew as soon as you said you don't have alcohol in the house that your dh has a problem.
Social drinkers can have a cupboard full of alcohol, we have bottles of spirits over 10 years old!

My grandad was an alcoholic and my dm was not a good parent because of her own childhood.
So this could affect not only your dc but their dc too.
I doubt your dh will change but I wish you luck and hope you and your dc can live a life without this stress.

Yes OP, sadly your DH is an alcoholic and has been drinking in secret for years. Nobody can drink a whole bottle of rum and still walk home unless they have a very high tolerance level. You have done the right thing asking him to leave and well done for recognising the lying bullshit he has spun you for what it is.

You need to sort your finances out asap before he drains the bank account completely. As PP said open an account in your name so you can transfer money for the bills and everything else you need.

And please don't rush into terminating your pregnancy for a much wanted baby. I think you could really struggle with that decision further down the line. Yes bringing up 5 children will be a struggle on your own, but maybe not as difficult as bringing up 4 children while mourning the loss of the 5th one. Please make sure you explore all your options, before making a decision you may come to regret bitterly later.

Use today to get ahead of this. Open a new bank account for just you. Remove your name from the joint account.

Even half a bottle is a massive amount.

Do you have a banking app? Could you block his card?

Both daily drinkers & binge drinkers are alcoholics, my late dp drank every day from the moment he woke up to the moment he passed out, small amounts that added up to 15 pints a day & half a bottle of vodka at his worst. I didn't drink every day but drank Thursday, Friday & Saturday nights, my dp couldn't keep up with me drinking even though he drank every day, I would drink a litre of Bailey's getting ready to go out & 20+ doubles while we were out & arrive home sober or 2-3 bottles of wine staying in. I'm over 3 years clean now & will never drink again.

Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it

They call alcoholism a family illness for two reasons. The first is that the trait runs in families - my DF and I are both alcoholics and a cousin died of drink a couple of years ago. Then there's the learned behaviour. You grew up with unhealthy attitudes to drinking. This is really obvious in your posts. I can't believe you didn't spot the wildly waving scarlet banners that should have told you this man had a mahoosive drink problem from the very start of the relationship.

I stopped drinking because I could see my marriage wasn't going to survive. I went into rehab and I've now been sober for 32 years. So it can be done but only if the drinker is totally committed.

You need to separate from this man. Anything else is unfair to your children. And in the longer term I think you should seek counselling, as most people would have been very disturbed by your DH's obvious signs of alcoholism.

If he commits to AA and rehab then that would be good but he needs to get and stay sober for a while on his own. Don't accept a promise and let him stay living with you.

I wrote a long message and lost it! :(

I’ll try and remember what I wrote. So regarding my neglect in seeing the signs yes you’re all sadly right. I had a very abusive childhood and was in an abusive relationship as an adult. I’m no contact recently with my whole family as they are toxic towards me, so I guess have relied heavily on my husband for support. With my bad childhood I know I should probably have some counselling as I have made so many bad decisions in the past. But I thought I’d grown up a lot since my 20’s- clearly not as I’m still not seeing signs I should have.

Just to clarify the first time he got drunk was before we met. He had just gotten out a long term relationship and was out with a childhood friend- who has never grown up (no family, lives with friends, parties every weekend). So he was drinking and partying but as much as it was distasteful to me I didn’t see it as a red flag as he was letting off steam and out with friends partying. I’ve done the same thing, albeit in my 20’s. So didn’t see it as a red flag. Should I really have?! Please tell me as I’m doubting myself so much now....

He didn’t do it again until we’ll over a year later at our wedding- and even then he drank a bottle of Jack Daniels but mixed it with coke and was eating all day- we had a bbq. He wasn’t plastered and was socialising with people and walking/talking fine- just drunk. I knew how much he’d drank and could see he was drunk. But he didn’t pass out or anything, as my friend said he’s a happy drunk But it was our wedding so why not? I would have been too if I wasn’t pregnant by then- so again I didn’t see it as a red flag. Should I have?!

He has taken some money out of the joint bank account but left enough for bills. He said he wouldn’t clear it out, that he’d never do that to me. Time will tell I guess as I can’t change the debits in time to transfer the money to another account. Not in the next few days. So have to trust that he won’t see the kids and I in debt over him. I know he wants to be with us, I hope it’s enough for him to get some help

Today was so so hard. I tried to cancel my scan but as it’s the weekend they weren’t answering. So I went in hoping I could talk to someone about my situation and get some support. I told them I didn’t want the scan but they said if I wasn’t sure about terminating then I’d need the scan to check on baby and they couldn’t reschedule it for another day in time. They said I didn’t have to look at the screen and so I agreed as if there was a problem with the pregnant or if had a missed miscarriage again I’d want to know.

So I had the scan and the idiot scanner showed me the baby. Said he forgot whoops :( So now a termination is completely out as I’m measuring 13.5 weeks not the 12 weeks I thought and I also saw baby kicking and wriggling away. No way I can not have it now.

But I still know why I shouldn’t and what impact this will have on my children. But I couldn’t live with myself now having seen baby. Gosh I’m gutted, not only am I most likely losing my husband but I will now be continuing a pregnancy alone, giving birth alone and raising 5 children alone. How can my life be coming to this?

I spoke to my friend today and she said I should give him a chance to accept he has a problem and try to get help. That’s he’s so amazing in every other area and if he’s willing to get help I shouldn’t just throw away our marriage. She knows him and what a wonderful man he is- she just thinks he needs to get help and work through this and that I should support him, as he would and has supported me over the last few years. I do agree and will if he can admit he has a problem. But so far he isn’t showing signs of that. So I’ll have to wait and see

I’ve told him when he’s ready to talk to me and be honest I’m here and will listen. He said: okay. Which is progress from: I have been honest! So will see

I’m going to try and sleep soon but am feeling so lost without him so don’t know if I will be able to. Thank you for all sharing your thoughts, it helps to read different perspectives and I know you’re all right. I keep rereading the posts and it helps my resolve

OP, wonderful men don't act in an unsafe way around their infant child when drunk. You can't help him through this, it is something that he has to do and to want to do alone.

You need to prioritise having a safe home for your children.

Thank you yes I know that. It happened once and hasn’t happened again. He doesn’t even drink around the children anymore. But I understand it shouldn’t have happened ever to begin with.

Yes I need a safe home for my children, definitely. I’ve applied for Universal Credit this evening as that will mean he has more money so can afford to rent somewhere. If he didn’t have money due to paying the rent and bills on this house then he would end up moving back home as I’d feel too guilty and he would have nowhere to go. But with Universal Credit if they help me I can ensure he stays out of the house and has somewhere to stay. And keep paying the bills. So hopefully I will be eligible- I don’t really know how it works as haven’t claimed it before. Does anyone know please?

I do love him so so much and want to spend my life with. So I really hope he gets help and works to improve his relationship with alcohol. But if not I will get ready for life as a single parent to 5 children and make my plans accordingly

I also think I need to look at having some counselling, as as it’s been highlighted I clearly have some issues I need to work through stemming from childhood traumas

It happened once and hasn’t happened again

Stop being in denial - your OP describes two incidents.

Your friend doesn’t have to live it - ignore her.

You should definitely get counselling and you need to leave and plan properly how you’re going to live.

Growing up in an abusive household has understandably skewed your thinking. But you have already eliminated your abusive family from your life and this is a tremendous step.

You can still have a termination but no one will judge you if you don’t - just be realistic and don’t romanticise your situation.

Be logical and rational and plan meticulously. You can do it.

If he is serious about getting off the drink he should get in touch with the local drug & alcohol service. He will probably have to attend every week for at least a couple of months before being offered a community detox, then he will get given tablets to take to stop him having withdrawal seizures & something for the cravings, a worker will visit at least every other day to breathalyse him before giving him the tablets. If he blows positive for alcohol the detox will be cancelled & he will have to start again. When you have to take your ID in to the jobcentre, ask to have your money every 2 weeks so you don't have to wait too long before getting paid. Don't forget to claim your sure start maternity grant of £500 that you will qualify for by claiming universal credit when your baby is born & your healthy start vouchers for milk & vegetables for you while you are pregnant, your 1 year old & your baby when it is born.

Stop having children with this man.

In your first post, did you mean you left your newborn alone to go and pick him up, OP?

If so, that’s so scary. OP, you have to get rid of him. He’s dragging you into making some awful decisions.

I’m sorry if I misunderstood.

As for the rest of it, this bloke is a disaster. It’ll take years for him to change - probably until your kids have grown up, and you’ll have missed the best years.

I’d leave.

Like most people who haven't lived it, your friend doesn't understand how addiction works and what life with an addict is life. By all means give your husband time to admit he has a problem - but that time cannot be open ended. When I told mine that his choice was his family or the booze, it was the start of the school summer holidays. So I gave him until the end of the school summer holidays. During that time, he bailed on our family holiday in Devon, saying he needed time to drink think. It was the loveliest two weeks' holiday in years, we didn't miss him at all.

Right at the end of the summer holidays he did agree to go into rehab, but not without trying to wriggle out and gaslight me first. Ultimately rehab did not work because he still did not admit, to himself, that he had a problem. That's the level of denial you're dealing with. So be very, very wary even if he does start saying all the right things.

OP you sound very intelligent, very aware and like a brilliant mother.
It will be hard, you will need to remain strong but you can do this- it's clear from your posts that your priorities are right.
When it gets hardest and you feel like caving, think back to your lowest point to remind yourself why you're doing this.