Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

OP, can I reiterate the importance of getting support for yourself? You really need to talk to people who have been where you are now. A support group for relatives of alcoholic will really help you maintain solid boundaries and learn about the fine line between supporting and enabling. My support group really helped me hold my boundaries when things went really wrong. They gave me the strength to go through with divorcing him, with asking him to move out when he didn't stop drinking and acted abusively towards DD2, with calling the police on him when he threatened to kill me. Without that support, who knows what would have happened? There are so many people out there who can help and want to help. Reach out.

@FusionChefGeoff knows what he is talking about! Worth listening to.

I think my hope is that he will admit he has a problem, tell me the truth about his drinking, want to get help and then pursue help. I do expect him to go to meetings, if he won’t then I will know he won’t be serious. And if he’s truly committed to this all he will decide to be sober and only then come home.

I think you'd be better off focusing on identifying and changing his unhealthy drinking behaviour, rather than labelling him an "alcoholic". This is the approach a good therapist would take.

I would also avoid AA as they're not an evidence-based approach (& it only really works for Christians as it's very focused on religious ideas, is your DH a practising Christian?). So instead of asking him to attend a meeting to prove his commitment to change, I would have him phone Drinkline while on loudspeaker in your presence.

I would also consider what you want the end goal to be. If I were you I'd want to focus on stopping the lying and secret drinking - is it more important to stop those behaviours than to push for complete sobriety which may be unrealistic?

AA can be suitable for people who are not religious. I know, because I am not religious yet still found AA very helpful.

It's true that there are other programmes for recovery and that AA isn't for everyone. However, the principle is the same - the person must accept that they have a problem. And if someone's drinking is causing problems for their friends and family, there's a problem. I wonder what OP's husband would score on the AUDIT if he answered honestly.

A few thoughts:

The 350ml bottle at 40% proof is about 10 units, which like someone else said is five doubles. It's a lot, but a lot of other people would probably drink that much - it's similar to three large glasses of wine.

Regarding a lot of the earlier posts I find it sad that people literally just state "leave him. he will never change" and so on.

One of my mum's friends, his son is an alcoholic. He developed a problem with his liver. He got help (this was about 12 years ago) and has been sober since then. Successful, happy, good job, wife, two little dogs... he's turned his life around. I also know someone else in this situation, and he was really bad before it got turned around. He is happy with his wife also. So it can happen. Marriage is meant to be for better and worse, in sickness and in health. I wouldn't just dump someone off - that's my personal opinion.

You said he was amazing in other ways.

Obviously though - and this is the most important thing - he has to realise and accept there is a problem, it's causing big problems for him and you, and he has to want to change it and stop. That's crucial.

I hope it all works out for you.

@AbstractHeart I am not religious at all, was an atheist in fact, but have been able to get sober thanks to AA and it's SPIRITUAL approach to recovery.

So please don't tell people it won't work unless their Christian as that's just wrong.

skybluee the problems I have with you saying that alcohol isn't enough of a reason to end a relationship are these:

1. having a parent who abuses alcohol damages children. There is a wealth of evidence on this. As the other parent, do you allow this to happen?
2. Does 'in sickness and in health' really apply when the sickness is self-inflicted? If someone knows that they have a tendency to drink far, far too much, is it not on them to do something about that rather than making their partner a martyr to their vows?
3. How long do you think is enough of a sentence for the partner of someone who abuses alcohol? Because it is a sentence. It's a sentence to years of stress, anxiety, carrying the entire load of the family alone. When, in your opinion, is someone allowed to say 'enough' and walk away? I did 7 years, will that do?

When there are children in the mix, there's a strong argument to be made for the partner who does not have the alcohol problem to protect themselves and the DC first and foremost.

[quote FusionChefGeoff]@AbstractHeart I am not religious at all, was an atheist in fact, but have been able to get sober thanks to AA and it's SPIRITUAL approach to recovery.

So please don't tell people it won't work unless their Christian as that's just wrong. [/quote]
I agree with you and bloody well done getting sober. My husband did AA (though obviously it did not work because he never took step 1) and he was told his higher power could be anything he felt was right for him.

So please don't tell people it won't work unless their Christian as that's just wrong.

I'm not at all religious and I celebrated 32 years sober last month. I tried several other programs and only AA.worked for me.

@Merryoldgoat

HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC.

He has been drinking the whole time.

Wake the fuck up.

lovely!

@pointythings sometimes at a first meeting, someone who is convinced they're not an alcoholic - because they still have a job / home / don't pour special brew on their cornflakes - can realise that those things aren't what makes you an alcoholic.

I wasn't sure / didn't want to admit it when I went to my first meeting, but when people described how their brain worked; how they just couldn't stop once they'd had one; how they engineered every situation towards getting another drink; how ashamed they were..... it was as if someone had phoned them up and told them my story!!

It was a HUGE part of me admitting to myself I was an alcoholic and it would have taken a LOT longer if I hadn't gone to that first meeting.

So it's worth a try as he definitely won't get it if he doesn't go.

But he might just have a seed sown if he does go.

FusionChef actually that's a fair point. I am probably coming at this from a place of cynicism because I am still sad that my husband couldn't make that connection for himself. Right to the end he blamed me for everything - he genuinely believed it was my fault that he drank and so voicing the intent to kill me was justified in his mind. Every time I think about that and then think about the man I met and married, I'm sad.

Thank you for the perspectives about AA. We aren’t religious but from your experiences it sounds very very helpful. He will go I think, he said today he accepts he does have a problem. He doesn’t think he is an alcoholic (insists he isn’t) but does know his relationship with alcohol isn’t right and is an addiction. He grew up watching his father drink daily and thinks it’s normal as all his friends from before we met me do that too. He also accepts that it’s damaging our marriage and hurting me and I’ve told him I won’t live like that.

He swore to me today that he hasn’t been drinking secretly- that it was a one off after a very hard week. And he wasn’t thinking. He promised he threw some of the rum away before he started to drink it as he didn’t want to drink it all. In my heart I know it’s most likely bullshit, but he sounds so sincere saying it and it hurts me knowing that he is still in denial and lying to me. And to himself. He said it doesn’t matter anyway as he knows no matter what he says I won’t believe him. He said he knows how it looks and understands why but that he does need help as can’t stop when he starts drinking and stops thinking. He doesn’t use common sense or think about consequences, he just thinks he wants a drink so drinks. Like a child who does whatever comes into their head and doesn’t question it.

I’ve told him if he wants help he can call a hotline and look into going to a meeting. I told him I’m going to go to one just to get support for myself. Like it was said above perhaps a seed will be sown and he will recognise some things in himself if he goes and hears others experiences. He like I did thinks of alcoholism in purely black and white terms. I’ve tried to explain that there are different types, it’s not just you drink daily. But maybe hearing it from others will help him.

He booked the hotel for 4 days but I suggested he look at renting somewhere for a bit longer. He seemed upset at that but I told him I’d rather sort it out now and be solid moving forward then keep doing this negative cycle where he gets drunk every few months. I did tell him that now I’m no longer happy with him drinking, it’s too negative for me and brings back too many upsetting memories. He was quiet- I don’t think the thought of not drinking ever again is something he would be prepared to do. Is it reasonable for me to expect that off him? If he is an addict surely you should remove the addiction to heal and move forward?

I’m really missing him today. I love him so much so this is hard. The kids have been asking for him non stop and the baby was awake until 10pm (bed at 8pm) crying and calling for him. It’s so heartbreaking, she just wouldn’t settle and wants her Daddy. She hasn’t gone this long without seeing him before and doesn’t understand. So this is very hard. But I’m still going to do what I have to so that he can get help and we have a chance at a future together

Thank you for all the messages and support

He was quiet- I don’t think the thought of not drinking ever again is something he would be prepared to do. Is it reasonable for me to expect that off him?

Yes because that is the only way to get his life and your marriage back on track.

The only ‘cure’ for alcoholism is total abstinence for ever. Alcoholics can never return to drinking casually or socially, as the dependence is permanent. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. One drink is all it takes for a relapse.

He's still telling you what you want to hear OP.

Hi OP. I haven't had time right now to read all 7 pages of replies. I just wanted to offer some support. I have been where you are. I'm not trying to scare you or say there's no hope - but statistically, people with the type of problem drinking you're describing rarely recover and stay sober long term.

My ex was an alcoholic. We were together over ten years. They died last month age 41 of organ failure due to their chronic alcoholism. I related to every word you said - it really is a shit show.

I wish someone had shaken me about 4/5 years ago and told me RUN. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

If you're not brave enough to do it for yourself, do it for your very young children. Because one day, he will drive with your baby in the car. One day, he'll be driving around drunk at school drop off / pick up time. And you'll wish you hadn't been such a bloody fool and left years ago.

If he genuinely wants to change, will see his GP right now and commit to a comprehensive recovery program, there's a chance.

Otherwise - please - make plans for a new life. I'm just coming to the other side of it, and already it's so wonderful. There is hope - not necessarily of him sobering up long term - but of you being happy without him. Feel free to PM me - I really do understand. x

Just read your last update. You are correct - it's all bullshit. I (very kindly) suggest you read up on alcoholism and the traits of people who are alcoholics. Alcoholics are masters of deceit, manipulation and are well versed and convincing others -that it's not a problem, that they really can go without, that it's just a bad habit, that they didn't drink the entire bottle (my ex was CONSTANTLY spilling A REALLY BIG GLASS so had only really drunk 2/3 of the third bottle of wine!), etc etc etc etc.

Keep trusting your gut. Right now, his number one relationship is with alcohol - and alcoholics will ALWAYS prioritise that.

Remember the £250 op last month that he can only explain £70 of. That’s £180 left, or a lot of hard alcohol.

@Ellie56

He was quiet- I don’t think the thought of not drinking ever again is something he would be prepared to do. Is it reasonable for me to expect that off him?

Yes because that is the only way to get his life and your marriage back on track.

The only ‘cure’ for alcoholism is total abstinence for ever. Alcoholics can never return to drinking casually or socially, as the dependence is permanent. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. One drink is all it takes for a relapse.

He's still telling you what you want to hear OP.

This is what AA would say, but if you spoke to a psychologist they'd say that the end goal of behaviour change can be anything the patient wants, but they do have to want it! & the patient is your DH, not you. If he doesn't actually want to be 100% sober forever then setting that as the goal is setting him up to fail and he'll inevitably end up secretly drinking and lying to you about it.

Personally I'd rather have an honest husband who sometimes had a few beers than a "sober" husband that I couldn't trust.

You said yourself that alcohol issues have many forms, but so do treatments. AA works for some, but I encourage you and your DH to look into CBT as the evidence shows it's the most effective overall.

I do have someone in my own family who went to Rehab..twice and for a time to AA and are sober now for 10 years. It is not the end of the story as they had then to pick up the pieces and deal with areas of their personality that drew them to addiction but they have had a pretty successful life since. I firmly believe they would be dead otherwise by now so this is a life or death issue for your dh.

Just to add a frightening amount of people who were in Rehab with him or he met on the journey are now dead due to their addition. Its a terrible thought but it is the reality. And my relative didn't drink every day but it was no drink or be out of his mind. There was no happy medium and it has to be total sobriety as just can't stop once he starts.

Addiction

@AbstractHeart said I think you'd be better off focusing on identifying and changing his unhealthy drinking behaviour, rather than labelling him an "alcoholic". This is the approach a good therapist would take

And also

I would also avoid AA as they're not an evidence-based approach (& it only really works for Christians

Which is all rubbish on so many levels. And dangerous rubbish.

How do you know what “a good therapist” would focus on? This guy is probably acutely (if secretly) aware of what his drinking behaviour is! That’s why they go to such lengths to convince others that they’re wrong. Denial is actually bloody hard work. Not only are you having to convince others, you’re having to convince yourself.

It’s also rubbish that ‘AA only really works for Christians’. There are loads of people (see pp above for examples) who’ve stayed sober with AA of all and no religion. You clearly know about 1% of what there is to know about AA. You mention evidence - I bet you’ve got no evidence that it ‘only really works for Christians’.

Evidence about AA is usually from the USA and is highly flawed because the courts there mandate offenders to attend it. They don’t go there voluntarily.

This is what AA would say, but if you spoke to a psychologist they'd say that the end goal of behaviour change can be anything the patient wants,

This is interesting. Is this the most recent way of thinking? I was always under the impression that total abstinence was the only cure but recently a relative of mine was treated for alcoholism (physical dependence) and the guy at the alcohol services asked them what their ‘goal’ was. I was horrified that they didn’t have a clue what they were doing. This person started out binge drinking (eventually the binge didn’t stop) but could go for weeks without any alcohol in the 1st stages of the illness. It’s does present in different ways. I think they key thing for the ops situation is the fact that dh is lying. If he is genuinely is binge drinking a handful of times per year that’s not great for a father but hardly unusual. But the dishonesty suggests he is ashamed.

Evidence about AA is usually from the USA and is highly flawed because the courts there mandate offenders to attend it. They don’t go there voluntarily.

Exactly, even if you put the problematic religious elements aside, AA only works if people already want to stop drinking. OP has said that her DH doesn't want to stop drinking, doesn't accept that he's an "alcoholic" and if he goes to a meeting it will only be because she's made him. So the chances of it being effective for him are slim. Whereas a more nuanced CBT approach which is lead by his own genuine desires for change will be have the greatest chances of success.