Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

I don’t have any family. And no close friends I can turn to as they live 2 hours away up north. Last time I stayed with one of them for the weekend but it’s Sunday now so impossible

slashlover thank you. The house is rented in my name, the bank account is overdrawn. We have been paying it back but I know he will drain it if we split as he doesn’t have any money until payday now and that will be all he can access

You're not a fool or stupid. Sometimes it's easier to see things from the outside than when you're in the middle of it. Alcoholics can be very accomplished liars and manipulators, and you want your relationship to work out.

I wonder if you could have a chat with somone at your scan tomorrow?

Please don't feel like a fool, you're not. Alcoholics are very skilled at hiding their habit.

I will bet my last pound that he's been drinking pretty much through out lockdown and his work shifts but not getting 'noticeably' drunk except very occasionally. You're busy looking after children and getting on with normal life, it's very easy to miss unless you are looking for the signs.

It looks to me like he is a functioning alcoholic who has started the descent into full on addition.

I would ask him to leave to give you some space to work out your next steps.

I’m so shocked by what’s happened tonight. I never would have considered him an alcoholic but yes he lies and deceives. He can’t help himself and has no self control when it comes to drinking.

I’m more upset then angry now, I got married late in life thinking I’d found my happy ending and now I don’t know

If the house is in your name then you can ask him to leave, although I wouldn't do it tonight. I'd also check on entitledto to see what benefits you might be able to claim for.

I can’t be a single mum to 5 children, 2 under 2. I just can’t. I want this baby so so much but if this is where I’m at now with my husband I don’t i can go to that scan and see that baby knowing I will probably have to terminate it. I don’t say this lightly, it’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I have to think about the children I already have and what’s best for them

Yes he will have to leave until he can see he has a problem and choose to get help. I just feel so so sad about this and I know he will be too. What will I say to the children? The baby adores him and she’ll be in bits not seeing him daily and having him put her to bed.

What have I done

Even if he's not an alcoholic, he is a liar, he has endangered your child, he has left you with no bread or milk, he has spent money you don't have on alcohol, he has screamed and shouted at you and he has put himself in danger.

You have done nothing wrong OP. Nothing about this is your fault or responsibility. Don't make any decisions tonight.

I do know he would never drink at work, he works at a biotech company as a manager and he would be fired immediately if he did. He values his career and would never put it at risk. He just clearly doesn’t value his marriage as much as that or the children and I

I just wonder how long he’s been deceiving me now and how oblivious I’ve been

Yes you are right slashlover, thank you. He has lied and done all those things.

I guess now it has to be up to him what he wants to do. If he is willing to be honest with me, admit he’s been secretly drinking and has a problem. Then get help.

It makes sense to me now that he’s always broke. I always ask him where his money has gone

I married an absolutely lovely man. Kind, funny and as it turned out a high level functioning alcoholic. It took me a very long time to realise the extent of the problem, even though with hindsight, he had a problem.

When after time it became apparent that all was not well, I tried everything in my power to get him help and support him, his employer was fantastic too. All to no avail unfortunately and he spiralled down until I felt I had no option but to separate for my own sanity.

I am still amazed at how much I just didn't see. I'm sure you are in shock at the moment but believe me, this is not about how he feels about you. He's addicted to alcohol and that's the most important thing to him at the moment, above everything else, no matter what else he says when he's relatively sober.

Teaseall I’m sorry you went through that. Yes I feel the same, he’s an amazing thoughtful helpful considerate man in every area except apparently when it come later to alcohol. He renewed my faith in men after a lifetime of bad choices and I truly thought I would grow old with him.

I will try everything in my power also, as I want my marriage to work. But I guess I depends on him and if he is willing to work to save our marriage.

Thank you for sharing

I still don’t know what to say to him in the morning. He’s going to be hung over and I don’t know if he will be apologetic or defensive with me

Having watched my late dp died age 34 from alcoholism you are better off without him. You can't cure his addiction, it isn't your fault. Alcoholics lie, blame everyone else for their addiction & never take responsibility for what they do. If you don't get rid of him, sooner or later you will end up with social services at the door, it is no way to bring children up living with an alcoholic, it isn't being fair to them. Ask him to leave at least until he has sought treatment, detoxed & proved he can stay off alcohol. Don't ask him to choose between you & alcohol because he will choose the alcohol every time. You can manage perfectly well without a man who for most of the time is behaving like an overgrown toddler. If he won't leave don't be afraid to ring the police to get him removed.

Yes OP, he is an alcoholic.
There is no textbook definition, it varies from person to person.
AA state that if alcohol is costing you more than money you have a problem.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, no one but me could stop and make me put down the drink.
Speak to Al anon, see things more clearly.
It won't get any better, it will get worse i promise, it's a progression.
Protect your children and yourself
Alcoholics are liars, manipulative and only care about where the next drink is coming from.
Trust me I know
You didn't cause it, you can't control it or change it. He has an illness and only he can make the decision to stop.

Don't worry too much about money if you are left on your own,you can claim cms & have it taken from his salary before he gets it & you can claim universal credit, are you working? Open a bank account for yourself & put any money you get in that because otherwise he will drain any money you have. Look at entitledto.co.uk for an idea of how much you could get.

Of course he's an alcoholic!

The important question now is did he drive from 'the supermarket'?

I believe it's unfair to make children live under the same roof as an alcoholic. It's volatile, not secure, confusing and likely to leave them with emotional scars that shape their future as their expectations of relationships and family life is so unhealthy as they think awful behaviour is normal.

Has he driven while under the influence?

Right now, YOU must admit there is a problem. He cannot control his drinking and/or prioritizes his drinking over providing for his family.
(Many people get stressed. They don't sneak out, buy bottles of Jack Daniels, drink it all in one sitting and come home drunk with no food for their children.)
He will drink when and where he wants. With or without your "permission". The alcohol "buzz" is more important that you or his children. YOU have to face that.
Monday morning get in touch with the bank, close the account or at least pull enough out of it to provide for your children. Open another account in another bank in your name only. Tell him he needs to leave and change the locks (so he won't come back some night drunk and looking for love and forgiveness). Contact a solicitor.
Call community services and find out what financial help you can get as a single parent.
Do Not Give In and take him back when he promises not to drink again. His promises are not worth anything. Alcoholism is an addiction and addicts are liars.

Look OP - you have a serious case of denial here.

I’m not trying to be an arsehole but look at your OP.

He renewed your faith in men yet he obviously had disordered drinking before you even met.

You had three children you took into that relationship and another one you’ve had in a very short timescale.

I’d suggest that most people, even without the rocky start would think a person with three children should consider their position more fulsomely than you did.

This isn’t getting at you - stuff happens, life happens, but until you recognise that your flawed decisions didn’t stop and you’ve been shoving your head in the sand you can’t move forward.

HmmmmmmInteresting No he didn’t drive, he walked home.

Nat6999 No I’m not working, I’m at home with the children. I gave up my job when I was pregnant with our 1 year old.

Yes my children are 100% my priority and I will do everything I can to protect them!!! I had a very bad and abusive childhood- I’ll die before I repeat that cycle

Thank you for all your messages, please believe me I’m reading each and every one over and over again and am really trying to take in what you’re all saying. I’ve noticed you’re all saying the same thing which really impacts my mind and thoughts. You can’t all be wrong so I just accept that I have been in how I’ve deluded myself....

@HelpMePlease2021 unfortunately, you do not know that he wouldn't drink at work ... and again I will pretty much guarantee that he does. My lovely, now deceased a 43 ex-husband, used to put red wine in an oasis juice bottle to sip in his pharmaceutical development chemist role, to get him through his day. He loved his job, he loved me , he loved his family. He didn't love alcohol more but he couldn't give it up even though he was surrounded by love.

Yes my children are 100% my priority and I will do everything I can to protect them!!!

I believe it's unfair to make children live under the same roof as an alcoholic. It's volatile, not secure, confusing and likely to leave them with emotional scars that shape their future as their expectations of relationships and family life is so unhealthy as they think awful behaviour is normal.