Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

I’ll try and remember what I wrote. So regarding my neglect in seeing the signs yes you’re all sadly right. I had a very abusive childhood and was in an abusive relationship as an adult. I’m no contact recently with my whole family as they are toxic towards me, so I guess have relied heavily on my husband for support. With my bad childhood I know I should probably have some counselling as I have made so many bad decisions in the past. But I thought I’d grown up a lot since my 20’s- clearly not as I’m still not seeing signs I should have.

This makes so much sense, and I really hope you get the help you deserve. You've been through such a lot and you'll get through this.

As for whether you should have seen those red flags... It's more that, for instance, you still met up with him and fell in love, whereas others would've find the pissed phonecall off-putting enough not to date him in the first place. But as you've said, your background made you more forgiving of such things and perhaps you needed the love - and to give love - more than you truly valued yourself deep down at that point. But you have seen where it's led now and are dealing with the problem. I disagree with your friend, but perhaps it's good in a way to have her put that rose-tinted argument because it's such a stark contrast with the reality you'll actually have to endure. However daunting it might feel to raise your five children alone, you will be in control and make it safer than it would ever be with him and his drinking in the mix. You've made the right choice so that your DC won't take on baggage like you've had.

I'm so sorry to read your post and hear your story, I know exactly what you are going through. Just to give you some view from another angle - it is possible to give up drink, and this doesn't automatically mean your marriage is over. HOWEVER - and it's a big however - your husband has to make that decision himself. No alcoholic will give up drink 'for his wife' or 'for his children'. He has to do it for himself, no matter what else is going on. He has to make the decision, more than likely enter a treatment programme, and take on a lifelong commitment. He has to decide he wants to do that for himself. Any other way will almost certainly end in relapse. There are people out there sucessfully dealing with addiction, plenty of them, and many on this site! But they have to do it for themselves and their partners can't do it. I've been through the guilt and the shame and the feeling that I could change things - I couldn't . You can't change it or him, but you do have to put yourself and the kids first. Let him deal with his own issues and then, and only then, see about the marriage. You can't fix this but maybe he can. Lots of love x

Hi, your partner needs AA and you need Alanon or ACA.

You can’t fix this.

You both need help separately - doing it together doesn’t work.

For the sake of your children I would say give him an ultimatum of going to AA or finding somewhere else to live.

Merryoldgoat I was answering the poster above my message who said he acted in an unsafe way around my infant child. This happened once at Christmas when he sneakily drank a whole bottle of JD and then was carrying our 3 month old around. He didn’t nearly drop her or anything but I was very angry as it’s irresponsible and bad parenting. I don’t even drink when I have my children, let alone get drunk at a family event with children in the house. I was disgusted with him. But that only ever happened once

LunaNorth No I didn’t leave the baby alone, I’d never do that don’t worry. She was sleeping and at the time my brother was staying with us so I woke him and asked him to keep an eye on the baby monitor and get her if she woke. Worst case scenario if there wasn’t an adult in the house I would have left my husband to sort himself out as I would never leave the children alone in the house. Especially to clean up his mess.

pointythings my friends husband was a gambling addict and she has lived through that so does know where I’m coming from with the lies and deceit. I’ve read that addiction is addiction so gambling and drinking are very similar so I do feel she does understand what I’m going through. She supported her husband and he did get help. But he kept relapsing and eventually took his own life due to mental health issues. So sad. Thank you for telling me about a time frame, that makes sense and I will do so. Is 6 months reasonable? To get help I mean? So by the time the baby is born? I don’t want to do the whole pregnancy alone and then have a newborn when this rubbish is still going on. And I’ll definitely be wary about what he tells me

I understand he needs to want help for himself and can’t do it for me. He messaged last night and said he’ll get help and sort it out but I think he’s just saying that for me and I know it won’t work unless he really hits rock bottom and chooses for himself. He can’t do it for me, but maybe the risk of losing the kids and I will be enough to make him really look at himself and accept he has a problem. I hope so but am not holding my breath and will do this alone if need be. I feel so much better having applied for Universal Credit, I was worrying so much about money and how feel like a weight has been lifted!

Thank you Nat6999 for saying about healthy start. I don’t qualify for the £500 as have children already but can get the vouchers I think so will sort that out today.

@HelpMePlease2021 I had a feeling I was wrong by the way you wrote about your children. I do apologise.

You sound like you are really becoming aware of what's going on, accepting this is reality whether you like it or not, and now are taking actions to be healthy with your kids - whatever choices he makes for himself.

As others have said, you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Unlike other illnesses where you might step in and be a carer for someone, addiction is helped by a partner stepping away and stopping rescuing or excusing or enabling unacceptable behaviour. It leaves the person to make their own choices and manage the consequences. It gives respect to the fact he is an adult, if he chooses to drink he can drink.

But you also have choices. You can't make rules for him. But you can choose boundaries for yourself. So you can decide you don't want to live with an active alcoholic. And if he continues to drink then you separate.

Boundaries are for you. You decide what will give you a peaceful and good life. And you take the actions needed to keep those boundaries.

Put your focus on yourself. Your needs and wants. It's ok to do that. It's not selfish. It's about being well for yourself and your kids. The other adult here can access lots of support if he wants. But you can be well whether he stops drinking or not but putting in your boundaries as you are.

LunaNorth Please don’t apologise, there’s no need honestly. I realise I wasn’t clear in my Op and can’t expect you all to know my brother was staying with us! I’m sorry and do appreciate your concern

OP, I found this a very moving film. You might find it helpful. It goes into how to help an addicted spouse.

mugofwater Thank you. That makes so much sense and you’re right I can only choose for myself and the children and decide what our boundaries are. I will do that as I have no control over him or his actions.

Yesterday be kept saying he isn’t an alcoholic and getting upset with me when I said it. What should I call him? Someone who has an issue with alcohol? A negative relationship with alcohol? He still hasn’t admitted to secretly drinking, claiming it was a one off. I no longer believe him thanks to the support here as people who said only a hardcore drinker could down an entire bottle of rum and then walk home are right. He said it was only a small bottle- that’s not the point and I just looked at him and gave him a death stare.

I’ve told him to call me when he’s ready to be honest with me. I hope he does that soon, I know me asking him to leave has shocked him. I honestly don’t know what he thought would happen, that he’d wake up the next morning and everything would be fine? So deluded...

LunaNorth Thank you, I’ll watch it when the baby wakes

Giving him 6 months just means he will procrastinate and drink for 5.5 months, then panic and take a decision. He doesn't need that long - 6 weeks should be more than enough.

The thing is though - if you're giving him an ultimatum, which this would be, you have to then follow it through. So if he doesn't stop drinking, if he doesn't engage with services, if you catch him hiding alcohol again - you walk away. It's hard. Don't do it unless you're ready to do it. I'm still glad I did it even though it ended up with me being widowed, but it was the hardest year of my life.

As a person who is currently coming up to nine months sober, I don’t really believe in the concept of ‘alcoholics.’

It suggests to me that there’s a difference between people who can drink, and people who can’t. That makes problem drinkers defensive and exacerbates the problem.

You don’t hear of ‘heroinaholics’ or ‘cocaineaholics’ do you?

The problem is the substance. He needs to learn what it does to his brain, and why it causes him to behave the way he does. But that’s his decision, and he has to make it alone.

Until he does, your priority is looking after yourself and your babies.

He said it was only a small bottle

How many ml? There's a big difference between drinking a whole litre and drinking 350ml (which is only 5 doubles and most adult men could handle that amount fine)

Something I have heard in recovery circles is that the first person the alcoholic lies to is himself/herself.

Denial is a really core part of the illness.

Alcohol looks like the numbing medicine that makes it all ok. It's a huge step to realise it's hiding all the issues they need addressing and adding a ton more of its own on top.

As a partner of an alcoholic it's really easy to end up in denial too. We mirror the illness. We minimise things. Make excuses. See ourselves as unable to change anything. Are in denial about the reality we are living in.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't see himself as an alcoholic or problem drinking. His drinking is a problem for you. That's enough to look at what boundaries you need in place to not live in fear and anxiety and uncertainty and resentment yourself.

Yesterday be kept saying he isn’t an alcoholic and getting upset with me when I said it. What should I call him?

An alcoholic.Tell him when he's ready to admit he's an alcoholic, you'll be ready to listen.

I would suggest he goes to a meeting of other alcoholics. If he genuinely doesn't find anything in their story that he can't recognise then maybe he's not an alcoholic.

However, if he identifies just ever so slightly with some of the things they talk about then it might be worth going to another meeting...

You ooor thing. Unfotunatelynthe writing was on the wall before you even met him. And unfortunately you were not educated on the effects of alcohol - unless you have lived with someone at some point in your life who has an alcohol issue, why would you? However, now that you are aware that he is an alcoholic you can do something about it for yourself and the kids. You cannot do anything for him. Ultimatums, arguments, rules etc won't change him. He can only change when he admits he has a problem. As it stands he is not there yet and I for one would not be hanging around until he does. Start thinking about a future without him and plan accordingly. Figure out your finances, what you'd be entitled to as a single mother etc. You need to put yourself and your kids first. Make a life for you and them. If he does by some miracle decide to get help and can manage to stay of drink with professional help, then maybe there's a chance for you down the line. But don't wait around hoping that things will change in the near future.

@FusionChefGeoff

I would suggest he goes to a meeting of other alcoholics. If he genuinely doesn't find anything in their story that he can't recognise then maybe he's not an alcoholic.

However, if he identifies just ever so slightly with some of the things they talk about then it might be worth going to another meeting...

Oh come on. You're letting him off the hook like that? Alcoholics are the last people to realise that's what they are. Even if he does go (he won't), he'll manage to convince himself that 'he's not like that'.

@HelpMePlease2021 He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk.

Sorry you planned actually planned to bring another baby into a dangerous situation with a drunkard.

What advice do you expect people to give you? Shocking.

BonasThatBonas it doesn't matter whether the pregnancy was planned or not, what matters is how this lady moves forward in bringing up her children alone, which is what she is planning to do.

@Nat6999

BonasThatBonas it doesn't matter whether the pregnancy was planned or not, what matters is how this lady moves forward in bringing up her children alone, which is what she is planning to do.

Of course! There will be absolutely no consequences for the children knowingly brought into this world to an alcoholic parent...

pointythings Okay thank you, yes I agree that makes complete sense. I’ll give him a month to decide if he’s ready to admit he has a problem and seek help. If he’s still in denial in a months time I think that will tell me all I need to know. And yes I’m definitely prepared to walk away if I just. I’ve been a single parent before and whilst I really want my marriage to work what’s more important to me is that my children are in a safe and happy environment

LunaNorth Congratulations on your 9 months! That’s brilliant. I’m so grateful you’re taking the time to support me having been through what you have! Yes he does get so defensive when I say he’s an alcoholic

AbstractHeart The bottle was 35cl. But it’s still a lot isn’t it? For someone who claims to have barely drank anything for over a year? That’s why I now believe he’s been drinking in secret- for him to buy that instead of say a few cans of beer makes the situation so much worse to me

mugofwater Yes he’s definitely in denial and is lying to himself. Keeps saying he doesn’t have a problem. But then when I remind him of his actions he says: oh yes that was really bad wasn’t it. So acknowledges how bad the things he’s done are. I don’t think I was in denial, I think I truly didn’t realise how bad things were as to me the definition of alcoholic was so so different. It took everyone here to make me see that he has a very serious problem, on my own I just wasn’t aware enough to realise that :(

BonasThatBonas Obviously I didn’t plan to have a baby at that time with a dangerous drunkard. That situation happened a year and a half ago. He’s been fine since then and barely drunk anything (to my knowledge) so how could I have known. He lied to me and I trusted him so believed him. I’m not sure how I didn’t see how much of a red flag that situation really was and get that a lot of healthy people would have been done straight away after that. But I’m not as healthy as that and just didn’t see it as a leave him offence. Yes that’s my fault but I’ll never regret this baby and will love it so much. And aside from you everyone has given me fantastic advice to be honest and so much strength.

I think my hope is that he will admit he has a problem, tell me the truth about his drinking, want to get help and then pursue help. I do expect him to go to meetings, if he won’t then I will know he won’t be serious. And if he’s truly committed to this all he will decide to be sober and only then come home. It’s a long shot, I know he may not be ready and accept that I can’t control this. But my boundaries are that if he can’t do these things we can’t be together and I must prepare to be a single mother. Does this sound okay? What else should he do if he is willing to get help? I’m going to call al anon today once the children are in bed. I don’t want them to hear. I have meetings locally so will go as I know I need support also

To be clear I honestly had no idea he was an alcoholic. It wasn’t until people told me that I realised. Of course I wouldn’t have decided to get pregnant if I knew. But it’s too late now and I can’t turn back time. It’s done so I must move forward

My Dads a functioning alcoholic just like your DH. In denial. Always has been. My Mum left him eventually. For her own sanity. I have to say OP, having an alcoholic parent can be hell. You do have to leave him for your children’s sake though, he won’t change, especially as he can’t even admit he has a problem