Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

merryoldgoat that was unnecessarily harsh

No that’s okay I need to hear it. I’ve made bad choices and must take responsibility. We rushed into this relationship thinking it was true love and I honestly didn’t realise the magnitude of his problem until I posted today :(

Thank you everyone. I need to hear the truth and it will make me stronger. So please give it to me as straight as you’d like- I know you’re all trying to help me and I appreciate it so so much

@CurryLover55

I’m sorry if you think so but it’s true.

OP - I’m not trying to be mean to you. I have made my fair share of shitty decisions stemming from a chaotic childhood, but until I faced up to them I couldn’t make the changes I needed to to sort my life out.

You can do it but only if you don’t cloud your thinking with fantasy.

@HelpMePlease2021 i don't think you deluded, I think your just waking up to things. It must be hard especially if you have a 1 year old, but you need to start getting practical.

Try and get some sleep tonight. No point in having a emotional argument/discussion with him tomorrow, he'll be hungover and remorseful and probably promise you anything whereas you'll probably be angry and wanting it all to just be sorted.

My best advice is to open up to trusted friends in real
life and get some support for your next steps, whatever they may be.

I think PPs are right that maybe there is no single definition of an alcoholic. Perhaps he does go for long periods of time without drinking, but if he can't handle it when he does drink then there is still a problem.

I think poor George Best had days and weeks on the wagon - but in his autobiography he said that when he did drink, he could be on it for days.

The issue here is not about labels, but the fact that your DH clearly has a problem, to the extent that he lies and becomes abusive. It may be driven by stress, and maybe in a different time he would be fine almost all the time - but you will still be on eggshells. He needs to accept that he has a problem, and seek help.

If you tell him you don't think you can have his baby alone, might that scare him into action? I hope so. I hope he gets help, you get support and you can work things out. Good Luck .

Make a list of what you need to do first make him leave, then sort your financial situation, put a claim in for universal credit, contact CMS for maintenance, open a bank account, change everything like rent & utilities over to your new account, get the locks changed, check your credit rating to make sure he hasn't applied for credit in your name. Have a root round for his payslips or P60 for the information you will need for CMS, get all birth certificates, passports etc for you & all your dc, put them somewhere he can't find them. Speak to Citizen's Advice for help with claiming benefits & get a solicitor for help with your separation, if your husband wants to have contact with your dc, it may be wise to get a court hearing so that he can only see them in a contact centre where he will be breathalysed to prove he is sober or no contact will take place.

I already posted this and for some reason it didn't go on...

My partner was married to a woman who is an alcoholic. He knew she liked to drink in the evenings but only found out after they were married that she drank all the time.
She would not work. They had a mortgage based on two salaries but she packed her job in and he had to work overtime to pay the bills.
She drank with her mother every day, returning home to throw a meal together for him and then going back to her mother's coming home at bedtime when she was pissed.
He found empty bottles stashed in cupboards in the house all the time.
They lived like that for years. It was not a marriage , it was simply a place for him to crash before going back to work each day, and she was quite happy with the arrangement.
After years of living like this, and having no money to show for a lifetime of work, he finally ended things and when she realised the bank of drinking had closed she raged and caused so much distress phoning his family at night pissed,and his boss and his wife. He almost lost his job over it.

When someone has an addiction they only have a relationship with themself and it is no way to live.

He won't change, take it from someone who left and moved towns just to protect my kids. Their dad was exactly the same, still is.

Totally agree, OP I really hope you and your children are ok. Please don’t have any more children with this man, it’s really horrible growing up with a parent with an alcohol addiction. ( I have experienced this). Take care

Hi op. Just to add to what others have said. I drink too much, certainly in the eyes of mn. I drink wine of an evening and recently have been proud of myself for having 3 dry nights in a week because it had gotten up to almost every night.

Now, despite all that, I have never ever bought a bottle of wine and secretly consumed it while avoiding going home. Let alone a bottle of liquor like Rum. I am almost certain that your DH has been secret drinking and lying to you. There is no way someone that had barely drink for months could just down a whole bottle of rum and still be able to walk gone and function. His tolerance must be higher. Drinking a bottle of liquor in one sitting is pretty hardcore. Also, how do you know he worked late? Seems more likely he finished on time and just went off to get pissed. More lies. Alcoholism destroys lives.

I’m going to call my friend tomorrow, just to get some emotional support. She’s aware of the other incidents so I feel comfortable sharing with her. It’s a shame she’s 2 hours away and the children have school, otherwise I’d go and see her. I need some support right now

Yes I do believe he has a problem, I always did. I just didn’t realise it was as bad as it is snowdropsandcrocuses you’re right, to sneak and drink a whole bottle of rum indicates a higher tolerance and bigger problem then I thought. He must have been drinking in secret and I didn’t realise. All those times he’s lied to my face.....

He was definitely working until 8pm though as he video called to speak to our baby before she went to sleep. So I saw him in his office working. He works 30/40 minutes away, so I do believe he went to the shop with the intention of buying milk and bread. But instead he went in and bought alcohol, then called me with stupid lies and spent 40 odd minutes drinking and walking home. He can’t possibly have thought I wouldn’t know- he stinks of alcohol. Plus he didn’t eat dinner so it was an even stupider thing to do- on an empty stomach! I don’t know what was going through his mind. But I guess if he’s been getting away with it all this time he just have thought I wouldn’t realise

I still can’t sleep, I’m lying here trying to think about applying for benefits and how we will manage for money. I can’t stop him draining our joint account- the money in it is for bills, once they go out we will be in our overdraft until he gets paid. That’s because last month he took out £215. £70 accounted for- he bought a guitar. But the rest- he didn’t say and kept trying to pretend he didn’t know it was that much . We’ve also done some DIY, so that came out of the joint account. If he gets paid and puts it where we’ve planned everything would be fine. But if he has to leave he has no money until payday so will use the joint account and probably not pay it back. So the bills will bounce and I’ll get in trouble as everything is in my name (since before we met).

I don’t know what to do, I know he doesn’t have a choice as has no money until the end of the month- so has to use our joint account and put us in our overdraft. Otherwise he can’t leave and I really need some space right now

This will be so stressful, I need to sort out what to do about the baby also plus sort out money. A few hours ago I was happy with my life and how it’s in pieces. This is going to hurt the children so so much, my youngest 2 think of him as their Dad and call him such. The baby will miss him and won’t understand. I’m going to be unwell now following a termination which I feel I have no choice but to do. My life I has so completely been derailed in one night and I feel so so lost

Oh god the thought of terminating this baby is making me feel sick. We had 2 miscarriages before this one and I’ve been so paranoid the last 12 weeks praying it’s okay. We have names picked out and have talked about it/ her like a real person. I’m 12+ weeks and have been feeling flutterings. I know what I need to do but don’t know if I can be strong enough. I hate him for putting me in this position. And hate myself for not seeing the signs sooner and deluding myself for so long. This will be the hardest thing I must do. But going through pregnancy alone and sick, giving birth and sharing access for a newborn baby with him feel untenable to me

Don't terminate your pregnancy because of your husband, you probably have most of the baby equipment, you can do this on your own. On Monday morning get that bank account opened, take enough money to cover this month's bills from the joint account & pay it in your new account, move the direct debits over as well. Do a big shop, fill your freezer & cupboards so you know you can feed you all, get some cashback as well. If you have a car, fill it up so you know you have that as well. Once he has gone make your claim for cms, do you get cms for your children from your previous relationship? That can go in the pot as well, CMS isn't deducted from your benefits so don't worry about that. You can do this, just keep on telling yourself you can, you Re stronger than you think.

I would also advise you not to think that termination of this pregnancy is your only option, since you've said the baby is very wanted. Reiterating: you have a choice. Termination does not have to be the only solution. This coming from a very liberal pro-choice person.

I read your original post and when I came to the part near the end where you asked "does he have a drinking problem" I yelled in my head "of COURSE he has a drinking problem"; you just listed a bunch of times he had gotten drunk, behaved horribly and selfishly and abusively; you've spelled out that he has a problem, but couldn't read what you just wrote objectively.

I think bringing up the drinking problem/alcoholism at your scan appointment is an excellent idea. I'm sure they've dealt with hormonal pregnant people going through domestic difficulties before and could possibly direct you to some resources that you haven't thought of yet. It's worth a shot.

He (and you) can't keep using work stress as an excuse for why he drinks. He drinks because he is addicted to alcohol. Any little or big life stress is used as an excuse for the addictive behavior.

Hope your talk with your friend on Monday goes well.

@HelpMePlease2021

I can’t be a single mum to 5 children, 2 under 2. I just can’t. I want this baby so so much but if this is where I’m at now with my husband I don’t i can go to that scan and see that baby knowing I will probably have to terminate it. I don’t say this lightly, it’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I have to think about the children I already have and what’s best for them

Yes he will have to leave until he can see he has a problem and choose to get help. I just feel so so sad about this and I know he will be too. What will I say to the children? The baby adores him and she’ll be in bits not seeing him daily and having him put her to bed.

What have I done

You have to do it for your children. As a child of an addict I say to you run, run to save your children. They don't deserve to live in a home where one parent is an addict. He can change, but he should do that while you're apart, not living together.

At your scan, open up to the operator as they should have contacts with social workers and can help you to get help.

In German there is a term for those alcoholics who go weeks without, then binge drink for days (Quartalssaeufer, 'quarter drinker').

I had a neighbour once who would be fine for weeks and then be found falling about the corridor or failing to unlock his door for a week. He ended up breaking his arm that way. Luckily he had no babies to drop.

I'm astonished that you ask if he has a drink problem. Hell yes he does. I'm really sorry, it's a tough thing to deal with.

I'm living through a similar situation at the moment.

Realised H was drinking in secret (coming in slurring/argumentative/falling asleep early etc) but couldn't work out when and never found any evidence. He kept lying about it and made me feel like I was going mad.

He eventually admitted it and it turns out he was drinking spirits in the car after picking up our daughter from nursery and then driving her home. As well as a whole host of other times. He was always suspiciously keen to do things like pop to the shop/out for a takeaway but would always take an hour for things that should take 20 minutes tops. He's a horrible drunk and I realised I was tip toeing around him from about 4pm every day even before I "knew". He also used to mutter horrible things about me/his life in his sleep.

I won't have my kids grow up with someone that endangers their life for their own selfish gain so I've made him leave to sort himself out. Plus all of the things a pp said- it's not a secure home environment for them.

He's talked the talk about how he has cut down etc but actually it turns out he's been lying so I've refused to have him back in the house. It's been a month and he's not managed to quit with the support of the GP/alcohol services. I've suggested AA and gotten my head bitten off. Ultimately it's looking more and more like he is going to choose drink over our family and I'm so sad.

Anyway that was a massive ramble but just to say I do get it and you can't have that kind of behaviour around your kids. Mine are 3 and 9 months and it's been really hard on my own but infinitely calmer without him at least.

A true sign of an alcoholic is having no off button when it comes to drinking. Mean to have 2 drinks like everyone else but ends up out cold after drinking the whole bottle. He may never go sober but consequences are the only thing they understand. Talking is no use as they will make all sorts of promises they never keep. All you need to say to him is you cannot live with a man who comes home drunk. He has to go. It is not safe for you or your children and actually it is better for him too as it forces him to look at his life. Whether he will or not is up to him. Be direct with him and don't get into a big discussion as he will try to charm you out of your decision. Just keep saying..l can no longer live with your drinking. Try and be quiet and forceful.
Definitely get in touch with Alanon as you will get great support there.
Mind yourself as this is a very traumatic time for you.

People don't act drunk because they are tired. They act drunk because they are drunk. He has a much bigger problem than you realise but doesn't sound ready to admit it. You need to leave (actually he needs to) It's not your fault and you can't help him. He can help himself but I doubt he's there yet. Maybe you leaving will give him the shock he needs but more likely not yet, it will probably be another justification for him to drink, but don't feel responsible as if you don't leave he'll find something else.
Re the termination, this isn't something you have to do. It's an option of course and no one should judge you if you make that choice and if you think it's best, but from readying your posts I think you will struggle more with that choice in years to come than you would with a baby. It's definitely worth trying to access some counselling as well as some help from friends. Definitely discuss this with the nurses at your scan as they will have contacts.

@snowdropsandcrocuses

Hi op. Just to add to what others have said. I drink too much, certainly in the eyes of mn. I drink wine of an evening and recently have been proud of myself for having 3 dry nights in a week because it had gotten up to almost every night.

Now, despite all that, I have never ever bought a bottle of wine and secretly consumed it while avoiding going home. Let alone a bottle of liquor like Rum. I am almost certain that your DH has been secret drinking and lying to you. There is no way someone that had barely drink for months could just down a whole bottle of rum and still be able to walk gone and function. His tolerance must be higher. Drinking a bottle of liquor in one sitting is pretty hardcore. Also, how do you know he worked late? Seems more likely he finished on time and just went off to get pissed. More lies. Alcoholism destroys lives.

@snowdropsandcrocuses I agree with you. And well done on 3 nights dry

Sorry op. He most certainly an alcoholic. I’ve had experience of dealing with 2 alcoholic relatives. It’s a long hard road to recovery. There is absolutely no point shouting or even talking to him. He won’t really care. And he will say things when sober that will fly out of the window when the craving comes again. He’s not a bad person, but he is ill. The nature of the illness causes people to lie and hurt everyone around them. Save yourself and the children the trauma. Write everything down in a letter. And leave. You don’t have to terminate your pregnancy but no one would judge you if you feel you can’t cope with being a single mum of 5, I don’t think many people could. Local authorities have alcohol services but these do vary. I would suggest this first. He may not seek help until he has reached the stage of physical dependence or he may deny he has a problem for some time yet. It’s heart breaking. Please remember the three C’s. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure him.

I hope you're OK OP. Don't buy his promises of change and never again this time, you've heard it all before. He needs to seek actual help.

Please consider how you will support 5 children - will he pay a suitable amount of maintenance for his two? Do you get maintenance for the other 3? Because I believe child tax credits are only for the first two born. Will housing benefit cover all of your rent ? If not you will have to apply for discretionary payments. Don't use this as a reason not to leave him though. If you stay your children will not thank you for growing up in this crappy situation