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AIBU?

To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

726 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 15/05/2021 21:30

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

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AIBU

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Strongswans · 15/05/2021 22:06

This is sad to read. I get needing some time for you and dh, but if you don't want her in the living room and she can't be in her room then I don't know what you want her to do! It's fair enough she doesn't want to be in your room, it's not relaxing. Do you need to find somewhere for her to have her own space.

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Lorw · 15/05/2021 22:06

Why don’t you get a tv for in your bedroom and cuddle up with DH in there and your DD can sit downstairs and watch what she wants?

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AlwaysLatte · 15/05/2021 22:08

So is she not staying in bed when it's past her bedtime? Or you're complaining about her being downstairs before bedtime? I can understand your frustration if she should be in bed but if not then are you suggesting she clears off? That's not nice if so. On the rare occasions we want to watch something without them we wait until they're out at school/friends etc or in bed.

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KurtWilde · 15/05/2021 22:08

Mine are always welcome to sit around watching stuff, at that age you can't really put them to bed and believe me they soon get too cool to sit with you.

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BrieAndChilli · 15/05/2021 22:08

This is precisely when we moved house we compromised on some things so that DS1 (age 14) and DS2 (age 10) could have a room each! Means all 3 kids have thier own personal space to hang out in.
We also made half of the conservatory into a kid’s ‘lounge’ with sofa, tv and all the games consoles. There is also a sofa bed and tv in the study along with the PC so plenty of place for people to hang out.
I like it when they hang out with us but it’s rare as they never all agree on what to watch!

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Moonshine11 · 15/05/2021 22:08

I'm honestly gobsmacked at how many people think it's cruel to send a child to bed ... It's not 6.30pm ffs!!

But she has never sent her to bed! She gets up turns the film off for everyone and goes to bed herself

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Branleuse · 15/05/2021 22:10

If she doesnt have her own room she can go in the evenings to chill, then shes going to want to sit downstairs isnt she. I must admit I do miss the days of being able to put them to bed at 7 or 8 sometimes, but if youre all watching telly then no big deal. You dont have to watch what she wants and you can tell her to budge up. Shes not a guest, its her home

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LindaEllen · 15/05/2021 22:10

You choose her bed time, so if you want an hour with DP alone each evening you send her to bed an hour earlier.

Otherwise, I think it's mean to object to her being in the living room. You and DP sit in there all evening, so why shouldn't she? It is her home. She's not just a pet you can keep in a cage and play with whenever you fancy it.

Find things that you all like watching, and find things that you can do separately too.

Hopefully things will improve when she's freer to see her friends outside of school.

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IdblowJonSnow · 15/05/2021 22:12

Yanbu OP. You are perfectly within your rights to want a night or two a week with your DH.

My DH and I love having our kids around in the eve, they're good company. I don't want to be with them every waking second though!

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LindaEllen · 15/05/2021 22:12

[quote m0therofdragons]@gingerbiscuit19 what?! There’s times I don’t want dd1 hanging around it doesn’t mean I don’t love her it just means I want to watch a film not appropriate for her, or time cuddling Dh... or to have sex with dh. What a weird belief that we have to sacrifice every evening in order for my Dd to not receive your sympathy. Surely you can see there’s a balance?[/quote]
It's quite sad that you'd consider spending an evening with your daughter a 'sacrifice' tbh.

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JohnsRaincoatLost · 15/05/2021 22:12

Is there another room she could be in? Dining room or kitchen if there is seating and you could set her up to watch something on Netflix or Prime or whatever? Or is there a tv in your bedroom, would she feel comfortable in your room?

Not every night but at least have some nights with your Dh. It must be hard as she doesn't have her own space due to sharing with her sister.

I would say to her that there are times you just want it to be you and Dh and what could she suggest to facilitate this? Give her time to think about it. Tell her that your Dh is your best friend (hopefully she has one) and it is good to have it just be the two of you.

If you don't address this now you could be spending the next 5 years with her in the room.

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Honeylemontea · 15/05/2021 22:13

Is this a joke? You send your kids to bed with sweets?

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Tangledtresses · 15/05/2021 22:13

It won't last forever... she probably needs her own room! Tbf I can't get my teen out of the room either! Always hanging around... at least the 7 yr old goes to bed at 8pm 😀

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EmeraldShamrock · 15/05/2021 22:14

It is suffocating even when you love them very much.
DD is 12 she doesn't sit with us but is forever awake not time and space for a sex life either.
Next year will be better.

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cupsofcoffee · 15/05/2021 22:14

If she doesn't have her own room, where do you expect her to go?

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ChrisWitlessPatrickUnbalanced · 15/05/2021 22:14

How sad, poor girl. She annoys you by eating crisps? Wth?!!

You seem jealous of her OP, and your relationship sounds more like that of a step mother. How can you resent her sitting next to her Dad?

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idontlikealdi · 15/05/2021 22:14

Poor kid what do you want her to do when she doesn't have her own space?

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Bluntness100 · 15/05/2021 22:15

Wow. I can’t believe some people agree with this. Never ceases to amaze me how some folks treat their kids. It’s her home. Her bedtimes reasonable, why rhe hell should she have to go and sit on her own.

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CarnationCat · 15/05/2021 22:17

Poor girl wants to spend time with her parents in the evening and you resent her for it.

There are other options to spend time with your DH. You go to bed together alone. You could go out together in the evening to spend time together.

I can't say I would every resent my child for sitting in the lounge with me.

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Tangledtresses · 15/05/2021 22:17

Literally mine has just gone to bed he's 16 and has being doing my head in since 8pm 😬😬 lots of hmmm really wow interesting
For the love of GOD JUST GO AWAY

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onepieceoflollipop · 15/05/2021 22:17

I have a similar aged child and mine would find it very difficult not to have space of her own (ideally a bedroom) to retreat to and just relax and be on her own when she wants.
I think this is the root of your problem.
(If my dds share a room on holiday they both struggle to adjust to no down time on their own)

Could you create any sort of space for her - as pp suggested maybe one night a week have the little one on with you? Is there another downstairs space she can use? Is the current shared bedroom able to be divided in any way? Not necessarily with a partition wall but somehow with screens or something, soft lighting with a lamp? (depends on size of room I guess). In later years both dds will ideally have some space of their own.

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Ontheboardwalk · 15/05/2021 22:18

Her Dad? Are you a step mum?

I'd have been gutted, even though we used to argue most of the time, if my mum didn’t want to spend time with me

How old is the younger sister she shares her room with?

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grapewine · 15/05/2021 22:18

@cupsofcoffee

If she doesn't have her own room, where do you expect her to go?

OP mentioned that the DD sometimes goes into the parents' bedroom.

It's not sustainable, OP. She's only going to get older. She needs her own space.

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BobFlemingHere · 15/05/2021 22:18

My mum was 'old school'. She said she was a mother until 8pm and after that time, she was a wife.

We were expected to leave mum and dad to have their time together each night from 8pm. It worked well. We each had our rooms and mum and dad got to relax.

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ChrisWitlessPatrickUnbalanced · 15/05/2021 22:19

@Tangledtresses

Literally mine has just gone to bed he's 16 and has being doing my head in since 8pm 😬😬 lots of hmmm really wow interesting
For the love of GOD JUST GO AWAY

Well I hope he never reads that

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