To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

[AuntieStella]

@FluffyPaws

A lot of people started replying o poor girl.and so on....it wasn’t the girl whose on here asking for our help it’s the lady who sounds like she’s at breaking point. It may have been COVID .it may be loads of different reasons..please Please be kind to this person..see it from a burnt out perspective..If you’ve never been there well congratulations to you..But some off us have .it will pass .but for now she’s asking fr help.

Do remember that help isn't a synonym for agreeing that the poster is in the right.

Being burnt out can lead to horrible mistakes. And pushing out a young teen would be just such one mistake.

It is helpful to try to stop someone from making a calamitous mistake.

Especially if they are in need fIt state to see the wood for the trees

[nannykatherine]

A couple more years and she will be off out with her friends and you will be pacing the floor
Enjoy the time you know where she is

[Middersweekly]

I would send her to bed around 9-9-30pm so you can have a little time to yourselves. I have 4DC including 3 teenagers and they roam about the place getting snacks etc in the evening but I tend to shoo them out of the living room in the evening. IMO they can watch what they want from after school until 8pm then I want to watch what I want to watch. Aside from the TV soaps, some things we watch are more for adults so I wouldn’t really want to watch those things with DC as there will likely be sex and nudity which would be awkward for all involved if they were hanging about. They all bod off to their rooms on their phones/ devices anyway to watch Netflix, chat to friends or play games on the computer.

[Nearly47]

I get you. It can be annoying it's been ages since me and dh got to watch a 15 movie. The solution is your get to bed a bit later or spend time with your husband when she is engaging in some of her own interests. Mine play video games weekends afternoons and have fotgbal during the week so not always with us.

[Lucyloula]

My son is 14. He gets a movie night one night a week on a Friday or Sat. We get popcorn and he gets to watch a 12+ movie and stay up late but every other night it’s a school night. Screens off at 8pm. He can read or listen to music but it’s screens off at 8 regardless. Maybe use the whole ‘you need at least 2 hours of no screen time before you fall asleep as you have school’ it’ works for us and makes the movie night we do have more special.

[nocoolnamesleft]

@Middersweekly

I would send her to bed around 9-9-30pm so you can have a little time to yourselves. I have 4DC including 3 teenagers and they roam about the place getting snacks etc in the evening but I tend to shoo them out of the living room in the evening. IMO they can watch what they want from after school until 8pm then I want to watch what I want to watch. Aside from the TV soaps, some things we watch are more for adults so I wouldn’t really want to watch those things with DC as there will likely be sex and nudity which would be awkward for all involved if they were hanging about. They all bod off to their rooms on their phones/ devices anyway to watch Netflix, chat to friends or play games on the computer.

How can the DD do those things with a badly sleeping 4 year old sibling in her room?

[Insanelysilver]

If she was your own DC at 13, I don’t suppose you’d mind her being downstairs with your and your DP so much.
Maybe you could cultivate a relationship with her where you can sometimes say hey come and sit with me for a bit because it’s obviously them and you currently.
I’d Maybe try and do some things just with her occasionally so you bond with her.

[KurtWilde]

@Insanelysilver she is OPs own DD, it's the DH who's the step parent.

[Yourcatisnotsorry]

I can only hope my kids feel like that when they are teenagers.
I think you maybe need to go out to get alone time with your husband/watch 18 films. Or now that it’s allowed encourage her to have friends over/go out some evenings for hobbies. Is she lonely?

[Getskinnyordietrying]

Surely it’s easily resolved.... put a tv in her room with Netflix and you’ll never see her again..... put parental controls on so she can’t use it after her bedtime. It’ll be like she’s not there

[Floralnomad]

@Lucyloula

My son is 14. He gets a movie night one night a week on a Friday or Sat. We get popcorn and he gets to watch a 12+ movie and stay up late but every other night it’s a school night. Screens off at 8pm. He can read or listen to music but it’s screens off at 8 regardless. Maybe use the whole ‘you need at least 2 hours of no screen time before you fall asleep as you have school’ it’ works for us and makes the movie night we do have more special.

Read the thread , this child has nowhere else to go to relax as she shares her bedroom with a 4 yo who has sleep problems . The OPs answer is that the daughter can use the parents bedroom but the daughter prefers to be downstairs . I’m sure if this child had its own space it would probably use it .

[KurtWilde]

@Getskinnyordietrying

Surely it’s easily resolved.... put a tv in her room with Netflix and you’ll never see her again..... put parental controls on so she can’t use it after her bedtime. It’ll be like she’s not there

The DD shares a room with a 4yo who doesn't sleep well so she can't do anything in her room but sleep.

[Insanelysilver]

Ah my mistake. Does still sound as though a little bit of girl bonding time might be good as currently it seems as though her DC is automatically sitting cuddling up to dad leaving OP feeling a little bit left out.

[felulageller]

I was this child. Always sent to bed early (at least I had my own room). I remember so many nights as a child sitting alone in the dark in my room, bored out of my mind because it was too early to sleep but not allowed out of my room. I felt so rejected and unloved.

[marktayloruk]

You should be grateful that she actually wants to be with you I don't believe in making go to bed anyway school night or not. Why can't you watch a 15.film together-especially.as she'd have to be quiet in her room?

[Petlover9]

@Thedarksideofthemoon30
OP, you need to try and get a house big enough for her to have her own room, not share with a small child. Where is the poor girl supposed to go?

[Icecreamsoda99]

Since you are already in a three bedroom and a four bedroom may well be impossible I think you need to carve out space for your daughter in the room she's in to call her own. Stud wall divider or curtains and a TV which connect to noise canceling head phones. It's not great that an about to be teen is sharing with a recent toddler. If they aren't in the biggest room already I'd swap them in there if you and your DH can fit in one of the smaller bedrooms.

[PommieCheeks75]

As a mother of a 19 year old and a twenty something, treasure this time. You are lucky.

[PommieCheeks75]

So she doesn’t have her own room? You want her to sit in your room? Then move her on when you want that room too, what are you trying to tell her? You sound jealous and unreasonable, get the poor girl her own space.

[Nearly47]

Just read she shares a room with a 4 years old. You need to sort some space for her. She needs some privacy specially at that age. Where does she study? Soon she will need to work several hours a day to prepare for GCSEs.

[ilikemethewayiam]

Why can’t you tell her that you love her dearly but that you and her Dad need to have adult alone time in the evening for the sake of your marriage. Tell her you need time to share stuff, discuss your day, all the things that bond two people. Tell if you don’t get that time you will end up divorced, is that what she wants? She old enough to understand this. You need to have boundaries. You are being too soft. You are in charge not her.

[Serpenta]

Tell if you don’t get that time you will end up divorced, is that what she wants?

Christ on a bike. Some people on this thread clearly from the Joan Crawford school of mothering.

[UserAtRandom]

@ilikemethewayiam

Why can’t you tell her that you love her dearly but that you and her Dad need to have adult alone time in the evening for the sake of your marriage. Tell her you need time to share stuff, discuss your day, all the things that bond two people. Tell if you don’t get that time you will end up divorced, is that what she wants? She old enough to understand this. You need to have boundaries. You are being too soft. You are in charge not her.

Yes, because if OP's marriage fails, this is clearly the fault of her 13 year old daughter.
What an appalling thing to tell a child.

OP needs to find her DD a space that she can go to in the evening since she currently doesn't have anywhere. It's not her DD's fault that she can't go to her own bedroom due to sleeping sibling and that there is no other appropriate space in the house. Although I agree with PP, that I suspect OP would consider DD hanging round the streets until bedtime to be an appropriate place.

[grapewine]

Tell if you don’t get that time you will end up divorced, is that what she wants?

Holy shit.

Or, you know, the mother could sort a private space for her teenager if she isn't prepared to share family space with her offspring.