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AIBU?

To be fed up of dd13 downstairs everynight

726 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 15/05/2021 21:30

I absolutely love my dd13 obviously and I appreciate she wants to hang out with us (her dad!!) but it’s getting past a joke. It’s been going on for over a year now and We haven’t had one evening to ourselves in that time. I’m sick of not being able to watch soemthing that isn’t suitable. I’m sick of listening to her eating crisps while watching something lol and I’m sick of having to sit on my own on the other side of the room while she lays on the other sofa with DH.

We were halfway through a film but she clearly was bored, messing with her glasses etc so I turned it off and came to bed. I’m so fed up with it every single night!!

Dh won’t send her up stairs, he’s always too scared to say anything incase she falls out with him!!

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

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You are being unreasonable

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UserAtRandom · 17/05/2021 08:08

@IrishCharm

Who’s the parent and who’s the child? Surely as a parent you are able to put boundaries in place where it’s upstairs at say 9pm on a school night and she can spend an hour winding down in her room before bed etc??
Only you can sort it!

She shares a room with a much younger sibling so, "winding down for an hour" basically means she can lie quietly in bed and read a book or look at her phone.

OP has not been back to say what she actually expects her 13 year old to do if she can't be in the lounge, which is rather the whole crux of this thread.

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ElvinBoys · 17/05/2021 17:23

How strange, my son wouldn’t dream of spending the evening with us. She should have her own life by that stage and be able to amuse herself.

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Neonprint · 17/05/2021 17:26

@ElvinBoys

How strange, my son wouldn’t dream of spending the evening with us. She should have her own life by that stage and be able to amuse herself.

It's as if people are different?!

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Serpenta · 17/05/2021 17:26

She should have her own life by that stage and be able to amuse herself.

Yikes.

Some icy parents on this thread.

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Serpenta · 17/05/2021 17:27

Imagine thinking it strange that a 13 year old child might want to watch TV with their parents.

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paralysedbyinertia · 17/05/2021 17:27

@ElvinBoys

How strange, my son wouldn’t dream of spending the evening with us. She should have her own life by that stage and be able to amuse herself.

Tbh, that says more about you and your relationship with your ds than it does about the OP's dd.

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Seeline · 17/05/2021 17:30

@ElvinBoys

How strange, my son wouldn’t dream of spending the evening with us. She should have her own life by that stage and be able to amuse herself.

Seeing as though kids haven't really be able to have their own life for the last 15 months, and the DD hasn't got her own room to be able to amuse herself in, I'm not sure what the alternatives are.

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Bertiebiscuit · 17/05/2021 17:35

You are the grown up so you make All the rules in your home - she sounds badly brought up I'm afraid to say

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TinselTinsel · 17/05/2021 17:35

Oh how I miss my 17 year old being with me more . I've actually told my son that he doesn't need to be in his room so much , he can be with me downstairs and he can have mostly control of the tv because I barely watch it.

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Localocal · 17/05/2021 17:39

I would say if you want to watch something unsuitable for her then go upstairs and do so in yoiur room. If what you want to watch is ok for her to watch (even if she isn't interested in it) then insist on your turn to choose every third night and she can stay and watch with you or wander upstairs. On DP and DD's nights to choose what to watch you can go upstairs if you want to watch something else.

She sounds like she wants the company, and I would make the most of it while it lasts. But find something you both want to watch.

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LauraPearl · 17/05/2021 17:44

I think lots of routines and bed times have gone out the window during COVID. You said this has been going on about a year. Perhaps you could use this as your angle, and say words to the effect of "now that things are getting a little more normal, and you're back at school, and soon to be starting on your GCSE syllabus (*if she is), now is the time to start getting back into a proper routine". Perhaps set a "going up" time and say she needs to be in her room at a certain time, but can read/watch TV/other for a while before bed. I think your husband needs to back you with this, otherwise you're in danger of becoming the un-fun one. Good luck.

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grapewine · 17/05/2021 17:45

@ElvinBoys

How strange, my son wouldn’t dream of spending the evening with us. She should have her own life by that stage and be able to amuse herself.

I mean, this would probably be easier if she had her own space.

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YellowFish12 · 17/05/2021 17:45

Wow, so many people are cold!

The girl has nowhere else to be, she doesn't have her own room. She has younger siblings in bed asleep.

If the OP wants to watch something not-age appropriate on TV, or snuggle with her husband, then she can do so in her own bedroom and leave the main TV for the dughter.

Also i can't really get over the fact that watching TV together is seen as an undesirable chore by so many parents. It is giving me a complex.... I used to watch TV with my mum and dad until bedtime! I hope they didn't hate my company!

She can't exactly be out and about living her own life anyway can she? Its late, and, covid!

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paralysedbyinertia · 17/05/2021 17:46

@LauraPearl

I think lots of routines and bed times have gone out the window during COVID. You said this has been going on about a year. Perhaps you could use this as your angle, and say words to the effect of "now that things are getting a little more normal, and you're back at school, and soon to be starting on your GCSE syllabus (*if she is), now is the time to start getting back into a proper routine". Perhaps set a "going up" time and say she needs to be in her room at a certain time, but can read/watch TV/other for a while before bed. I think your husband needs to back you with this, otherwise you're in danger of becoming the un-fun one. Good luck.

Have you missed the fact that she can't do anything in her room because she shares with a much younger sister who will already be asleep?

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castemary · 17/05/2021 17:46

I feel sorry for your daughter.

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KatieCelf · 17/05/2021 17:48

This literally just needs a conversation with the 3 of you. Maybe she needs has reasons for wanting to spend so much time with you both. Could she spend some time with grandparents if they’re around?

Be open and honest with her. If it causes upset then deal with it. You’re an adult.

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cookiecreampie · 17/05/2021 17:48

If I want to watch something unsuitable for my 12 year old or I just want a bit of peace I'll ask him to go upstairs. As long as there's times when we can watch something downstairs together or sit up and talk, I think it's fine to do this now and again. Everyone needs child free time even if it is just an hour in front of the telly while they're in bed.

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castemary · 17/05/2021 17:50

But she can't go upstairs unless it is to sit in her parents room. The child does not have her own space.
No wonder some parents have difficult relationships with their teenagers.

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pepsicolagirl · 17/05/2021 17:50

This is bloody horrible. Provide the poor teen her own space and I am certain she will happily go off of an evening.

Personally I bloody love it when my teen chooses to spend her time with me and if she didn't have her own room I would 100% be ok with her being downstairs every evening. What other choice would she have?!!?

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castemary · 17/05/2021 17:52

@KatieCelf I suspect you have missed that she has no room to go and sit in. Her sibling she shares with will be asleep. So where is she supposed to go? If she does not have friends to see is she just supposed to wander the streets alone?

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paralysedbyinertia · 17/05/2021 17:54

[quote castemary]@KatieCelf I suspect you have missed that she has no room to go and sit in. Her sibling she shares with will be asleep. So where is she supposed to go? If she does not have friends to see is she just supposed to wander the streets alone?[/quote]
Judging by this thread, I suspect that some parents would be fine with their dc wandering the streets alone at night, just as long as they get their undisturbed couple time.

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Inastatus · 17/05/2021 17:55

We share our house equally with both our teens (16 and 14) and wouldn’t dream of sending them off to their rooms. I love spending time with them and try and to find programmes we can all enjoy as a family. Admittedly they do spend a lot of time in their own rooms these days.

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sadie9 · 17/05/2021 17:59

Do you resent her relationship with your DH?
Are you jealous of the attention she gets from him?

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KurtWilde · 17/05/2021 18:00

@sadie9 judging by what OP has written here and her other posts relating to her DD, yes, very much so.

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mam0918 · 17/05/2021 18:09

Send her to bed, its on you to tell her.

I thought it was bad enough with mine coming down every 30-45 minutes to pee or ask a question he 'forgot' during the day but I absoloutly would not put up with them just intruding on our time.

And yes after the kids bedtime it is 'OUR' time to be together (so after 8.30 until about 11 is the only time we get together because of either work or running around after the kids) and relax, unless one of them is sick theres zero reason for them to be sat downstair with us past that time - the little ones should be asleep and the oldest can play on his tablet in his room for an hour or so then sleep.

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