DH gets grumpy without sex

[Olivia2900]

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

[Bumpsadaisie]

... I think it can be difficult to be alive to one's own needs when one has got small children and you are so locked into being the one who meets other people's needs.

[Icancelledthecheque]

I don’t blame your DH for being grumpy. He must feel pretty unloved.

He’s a good husband by the sounds of it who’s in a sexless marriage.

Either you need to work on whatever intimacy issues you have, or he needs to find someone that makes him feel wanted.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

@Bumpsadaisie

... I think it can be difficult to be alive to one's own needs when one has got small children and you are so locked into being the one who meets other people's needs.

Difficult but not impossible. It’s about priorities and when you have children it’s worth also remembering what brought you and your spouse together in the first place. If you neglect yourself, your marriage and your spouse you’re not doing your children any favours. One day your children will be less dependent and then they’ll move out. It’s a choice to invest in the relationship which is the foundation for your family and keep it rich, full, mutually supportive, stable, happy, settled. It’s also a choice to neglect it and let it wither and that has consequences for both spouses and their children.

[BlueVelvetStars]

OP do not feel obligated .. or under pressure .. to have sex ..

and if he wants to leave then let him leave.

[username34512875]

Once every 8 weeks? Poor man

[Ginuwine]

This post and all the responses kicking OP for not meeting "his needs" should be matched up in a Venn diagram with two other common threads

• I have gone off sex and would rather have a cup of tea and read my book AIBU? And cue hordes of people saying "YANBU I feel the same, DHs will and should understand if they love you)

• Is my DH cheating on me? (Cue tons of "LTB" despite no evidence he is, or any context on any other aspects of their lives).


You'd then see that Mumsnet really is a case of taking the contrary view to the OP in isolation of any other norms or responses.

Truth is:

• Your DH may still want sex. No one likes a grumpy moaning person indicating that, but the want remains. Where do you think this will go in the next 12 months if unresolved?

• People go off sex - a lot of women on this forum indicate that they do. Others see sex as part of their identity and crave it irrespective of their situations. Which one are you? Are you "it's great in the initial stages of meeting someone but I can take it or leave it after a while"?

[Ginuwine]

@username34512875

Once every 8 weeks? Poor man

Like I said, would love it if somehow the responses on this thread could be matched up and correlated with the supportive ones on the "I no longer have interest in sex" thread.

Then we'll find out who is really "Your poor DH" as a way of making this OP feel silly, and who is actually "You have a right not to have sex anymore, I never want it again personally."

From my perspective I love sex and always have done. But I don't think me saying to the OP "your poor DH" is going to help her get in touch with whatever she needs to get back to things.

[Milkandhoney888]

Two month's is a long time! I couldn't do i get frustrated after a few day's maybe a week! However there has been time's where it's been a few week's and if I've not noticed he will mention it, we both get a bit paranoid if it drops off so will talk about it to check in.

However i am like you and i get TIRED, so we have an understanding that he can wake me if i go to bed earlier, he will come in and give me a cuddle and i know what that usually means lol and once I've had an hour I'm more than happy not sure if that helps at all

[lostitall]

@Allthereindeersaregirls

It doesn't sound like you are compatible.

I personally, don't give two hoots about sex, and whilst DH would like more he's ok with very little sex. But if he weren't, I'd suggest we separate. It sounds as though your DH needs more sex than you are prepared to give (and I do believe that for some people, sex is a need, it's part of them). I don't advocate having sex you do not want though- that could lead to resentment from your side.

I wouldn't be too sure he isn't already

[JustAnotherOldMan]

Sounds like how my marriage finally ended, we hardly had any sex in the last 2 years, lack of sex wasn’t the final nail in the coffin, but was a big factor that caused arguments and resentment, I felt felt quite guilty about getting divorced, but at the same time couldn’t face being in a sexless relationship
I went on to meet someone else, and have a good sex life again

OP, if you don’t want to have sex right then don’t, but you need to think about 1, 2, 5 years in the future, as you may not be married anymore

[Coldwine75]

We go more than 2 months sometimes as Dh has decreased libido due to anti depressants. I'm not bothered we have a great relationship!

[Coldwine75]

P.s if he wants to , try to do it once a fortnight?

[nixonten]

I notice OP has not come back to any of the comments.
Of what she says the strangest - to me- is that "he should grow up".
Doe that mean that she just wants to knit and why doesn't he build a model railway now that he has turned 40 or whatever.
Is physical passion something to lose like acne?
FFS!

[Bul21ia]

@lostitall

Six times or less a year is classed as a sexless marriage. If you want to address it please do if not don't be surprised if things get worse

This

[Coldwine75]

Amazed the OP is getting so much hassle. I imagine loads of people are in this situation, young kids, tired out, it cant be that uncommon surely.

[lostitall]

@Coldwine75

Amazed the OP is getting so much hassle. I imagine loads of people are in this situation, young kids, tired out, it cant be that uncommon surely.

I'm sure they are an it leaves a massive potential for issues in marriages
Having been on the other side of this having a husband who can't be bothered /doesn't want sex and ignores your attempts to sort it well I saw to my own needs by having an affair then it ended my marriage as I knew I couldn't go without sex in a loving relationship

[Coldwine75]

What if sex life declines a bit for various reasons , ill health, mental health, do you just up and leave or be patient with the person?
Id be very annoyed if I was the OP and my husband got grumpy, seems a bit shallow and childish?

[IceLace100]

Tricky one OP because there are arguments on both sides.

On one hand of course you shouldn't have sex when you don't want to or feel pressured into it.

On the other hand, sex once every 2 months really is very infrequent, and I don't think your husband is unreasonable for wanting sex a lot more often.

Seems like neither of you are talking about this sensibly- he is being grumpy and snappy and you are telling him to get over himself.

Have you thought about seeing a couples therapist and talk about it properly? I think it would be worth it because this sounds like a recipe for wandering eyes to be brutally honest.

[bunglebee]

I imagine loads of people are in this situation, young kids, tired out, it cant be that uncommon surely.

Lots of people find sex takes a dip in the young-kids years, yes. Spending literally years doing it only six times a year and being told to "grow up" over being unhappy with it, probably not so common.

[Holothane]

@Coldwine100
My situation but even in the early days he wasn’t that fussed no I’d never leave him but just lately my libido has rocketed but I survive. I sort myself out.

[Coldwine75]

[quote Holothane]@Coldwine100
My situation but even in the early days he wasn’t that fussed no I’d never leave him but just lately my libido has rocketed but I survive. I sort myself out.[/quote]
Id never leave a marriage if sex declined a bit as long as everything else was good, my dh and i have been together since teenagers so a blip in the sex life wont make it all fall apart, and there are sex toys !

[Horst]

Honestly if my dh only wanted sex one every two months I’d have a maintenance man.

Even with small children once a week would be a low in our household and yes I’m the one who gets grumpy and meh about everything.

[Bul21ia]

@Coldwine75

What if sex life declines a bit for various reasons , ill health, mental health, do you just up and leave or be patient with the person?
Id be very annoyed if I was the OP and my husband got grumpy, seems a bit shallow and childish?

That’s not the reason or the issue OP has. You have to look from all sides. From what OP has said... she’s happy with the situation however there is 2 people involved here.

It’s not shallow to want sex a bit more often. While others may find this doable that’s their choice but I don’t think it’s fair to start saying someone is shallow. Come on!

[StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear]

I understand him being sexually frustrated as he’s only getting it appropriately every other month. But. Sulking, snapping at me, general arsehole behaviour makes my fanny clamp shut so I’d be even less inclined to be horny.

[tentimesaday]

There is something odd about this post. And the OP has not returned to the thread.

I think it's a reverse and it's written by the husband.