DH gets grumpy without sex

[Olivia2900]

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

Do you ever come onto him? Maybe thats hid issue. That said, hes an adult and should verbalise the problem

Bluntly, he'll look elsewhere for affection/attention and then the sex will follow.

How much time do you both devote to each other and your marriage? Not just sex, but all time together?

Keeping a marriage going requires constant effort from both parties. You mention time spent focussing on work, children, chores - do you spend any time focussing on your relationship? If not, then you don't HAVE a relationship. You have a housemate you co-parent with.

There’s sulking and acting like a childish twat and then there’s being frustrated and getting a low mood because of it.

Everyone has completely different sex drives but this is definitely on the lower side. Are you intimate in other ways?

There’s 2 sides to this:

• you shouldn’t have sex against your will, if you only feel up for it every 8 weeks that’s your prerogative and absolutely fine

• he’s entitled to say this relationship with such infrequent sex isn’t working for him, as sex is important to him and he would like a life partner that matches his own sex drive

Both of your feelings are valid. A lack of sex can be a self esteem destroyer, and obviously sex when you don’t want it can be traumatic.

But where do you go from here? I think you have to accept that one resolution is the ending of your marriage if you’re incompatible. Otherwise he should make an effort to not be as moody when it’s been a few weeks, and maybe to make you feel more comfortable and sexy. You could perhaps speak to your GP about your low sex drive to see if there’s a medical issue.

If my husband told me to grow up and get over myself because I wanted sex more than every 2 months, I'd be pretty upset. Not sure I'd be thinking longterm if that was how he dismissed a fairly important part of marriage.

Dp is generally climbing the walls after 4 days but he's never ever put pressure on me. He told me when we first met that he never would and he really hasn't.

I usually find it funny and it all gets talked about openly.

2 months and he'd explode. (Apparently "self-administering" doesn't quite scratch the itch)

I think you need to acknowledge this issue with your dh. He isn't obliged to stay with you if it doesn't work for him. (Nor you either) you need to have your eyes open about the issues this could cause. If it's the intimacy he's after, I'd really find a way to generate this in the relationship or accept you may not last.

To be clear, I am not talking about having sex you don't want. Therapy might help.

I can see why your husband is frustrated. Its ok for you to not want it of course. But to do it roughly every 2 months then there's a problem . You shouldn't tell him to grow up though . He's intitled to have feelings . Dont be so dismissive of them.

If I was told to get over myself and grow up because I wanted sex with my partner, I would not be happy. It's an important part of a marriage. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. But you shouldn't dismiss his needs as if he were a child.

If you're not compatible then a discussion is needed. None of you are probably very happy with how things are. Isn't life too short for that? If I were him, I wouldn't want this to be the rest of my life.

Well he lasts better than me, I'd be grumpy too especially since you say he is great in all other aspects of being a partner and father.
Sex is an important part of bonding and intimacy especially for males and one that if overlooked can cause other issues in a relationship.
Maybe you should make a little more time for yourselves, that way he will know you appreciate him it will also help hi not to get grumpy.
In the end it is only you who can change whether or not he gets grumpynand if you want him to be truely happy in the relationship.

@Travis1

Personally I couldn’t cope with that little sex, and telling your husband to ‘get over himself’ as though he’s some sex pest is ridiculous.

I agree with this. This would be an issue for me, I have sympathy with your husband. For a short period of time, for example after the birth of a baby would be understandable but only having sex maybe 6 times a year would be a serious marital issue for most people I would think.

I can understand him wanting it more often but snappers and sulkers breed resentment and resentment causes your libido to shrivel so they get even less sex, and then they snap and sulk some more, and so it goes on. Relationship counselling asap would be a good idea.

If you want to keep your marriage, you need to try harder.

I also meant to add that your husband needs to stop sulking, too.

Sex every two months would be rubbish for me. I understand where he’s coming from

Also you need to workout how you can feel less tired

DH gets grumpy and frustrated after 2-3 weeks (reasonably low sex drive due to meds) and will mention we haven't had sex for a while and ask if everything is OK. He doesn't sulk, but tends to get a bit paranoid. It's usually because I'm either really tired, ill or feeling fat and unattractive! I do notice our relationship suffer and like PP mentioned we start to feel like housemates and not a couple. We don't tend to do much together apart from sex, so that doesn't help.

We did have a great routine at one point when I had a set day off during the week and he works from home, we'd go back to bed after the school run, have a coffee and chat and a nice shag. I didn't always feel in the mood beforehand but always did when it came down to it. Maintenance sex has a place! We don't share a bed, so spontaneous sex happens a lot less often, especially if it's cold in the living room.

Theroninante's post was excellent and I can't add much to that, to be fair.

Is it just the tiredness op, or is there more to it? Have you been checked for anaemia/thyroid issues?

I'm knackered. Single mum working and doing a masters and I'm on my knees most weeks but I've still got just about oomph left for sex a couple of times a week with my oh!

I wonder if there's an underlying cause.

Dh getting snappy isn't great but we can all be snappy when we've had enough of a situation.

Can you compromise with the occasional nosh?

The problem is you op not your dh.

No/low libido is a symptom of an under-active thyroid. Worth getting it checked.

... and how do the other six dwarves feel about this?

Are you affectionate in other ways towards him? Sex may just be how he feels validated, close to you and loved in your relationship.

The sex is one thing but the way you’re talking to him and being so cold and dismissive when he fairly raises something he’s unhappy with in your marriage is horrible.

When contempt becomes part of your feelings the whole thing is dead. No one wants to be told to get over themselves or to grow up when they tell their spouse they’re unhappy, it’s absolutely horrible.

I can see why you’ve included that in your post as this is MN where usually at least half of posters “would rather have a cuppa” than a shag and you probably thought you’d be inundated by replies telling you you’re right and he’s a selfish pig who is coercive or abusive. But you haven’t, which is good, and might give you a chance to think about if the current dynamic will give you both a happy fulfilling marriage. Wanting regular sex with your spouse is healthy and normal, not weak or embarrassing or gross.

Neither of you are right or wrong in this situation ultimately, you're just not compatible sexually. If you're happy with only having sex once in two months that's fine, but he clearly isn't.