DH gets grumpy without sex

[Olivia2900]

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

[littlepattilou]

@Wearywithteens

Oh ffs - this is not helpful to the Op. People don’t ‘explode’ if they don’t have sex. Young mothers have got so much going on, it’s no wonder sex is at the bottom of a long list. No co-incidence it’s mainly women who post these things. On MN, posters pride themselves at being at it like monkeys and see you as something broken and to be medicated. In real life (from my many years of talking to women about these things) it’s very normal what you’re going through. Your DH can have a wank - it won’t kill him.

'At it like monkeys' You're right, there does seem to be a trend amongst some mumsnetters to pride themselves at being desperately horny all the time, and yeah, some of them (not all) do imply that there's something wrong with you if you aren't the same as them.

Although I think once every 2 months is probably not going to be enough for some people, it's crazy to imply that if you don't do it every day (or at LEAST 4 or 5 times a week,) there's something wrong with you.

@Anordinarymum
I think you need to talk about both your needs here, but from the way you worded your post a little kindness would not go amiss”

Because God forbid Mr Snappy-short-temper can’t get his end away...’a little kindness’...fucking hell - funny how this only works one way - the responsibility for ‘kindness’ ALWAYS resides with women, never the men!

And in this case it means being penetrated by an irritable man when you have got enough on your plate already and sex is the last thing in your mind... how about he shows a bit of kindness and patience in his marriage? Too much of a fucking stretch for the brain that one eh?

Hmmm, yeah, you do sound a bit angry (as a few posters have said,) but quite justified IMO. You do have a point.

And if I see this fucking irksome bastard mantra - BE KIND - repeated ONE MORE TIME, I swear that I will lose my shit! ESPECIALLY - as you say - it's ALWAYS aimed at women!

[littlepattilou]

@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg

All the people who are saying "10 minutes" "15 minutes" "half an hour" and the poster who said "15 minutes, 10 without foreplay", you have extremely low standards. When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes, two thirds of which is foreplay.

I'm not a fan of the vaginal pain that results if I'm insufficiently warmed up, and if my OH was taking five minutes over foreplay, he wouldn't even get it every two months. Sex should be mutually enjoyed, mutual desired, and savoured, not a chore to be endured.

You REALLY need an HOUR of foreplay, to get 'warmed up' and ready for sex?

You AND your other half really need to work on your shagging skills. That's not a normal amount of time to have foreplay. Shouldn't be taking that long to get 'turned on.' Are you sure you really fancy each other?

[EmeraldShamrock]

On a serious note your DC are very young there is always so much to do, sometimes sex feels like an extra on the list.
You need a little time together but your not alone lots of couples go through this in the early years of parenting.

[lydia2021]

I knew a woman once whose husband expected sex everyday unless she was on her period. To me, that was abuse. Tell him to bang his bishop, and leave you alone, unless you want it as well

[Mammyloveswine]

Christ once every 2 months?! I thought we were bad at once a week or so!!

[Thomasina2021]

Not surprised he’s grumpy

Mismatched sex drives obv so nobody’s fault.. I suppose you can either work through it or go separate ways x

[OnlyInYourDreams]

When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes

That sounds like something out of some romance novel, “they couldn’t get enough of each other and made love all night.” To each their own and all that but err no ta.

[Accidentallydeletedoopsss]

Ok this sounds like a tricky situation

I don’t think you should force yourself to have sex with him if you don’t want to. However, it sounds like you don’t want to make any effort at all to address this issue. It’s fine if you’re happy with this routine you seem to have fallen into...but you can’t expect him to feel the same.

I think what struck me most about your OP was I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes . That’s a horrible thing to say to your husband who loves you and who wants to be intimate with you.

If I were your husband I’d be far more upset at your attitude than the sex issue itself because that just shows that you don’t give a damn.

I think you need to need to seriously consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for you both.

[Allthereindeersaregirls]

It doesn't sound like you are compatible.

I personally, don't give two hoots about sex, and whilst DH would like more he's ok with very little sex. But if he weren't, I'd suggest we separate. It sounds as though your DH needs more sex than you are prepared to give (and I do believe that for some people, sex is a need, it's part of them). I don't advocate having sex you do not want though- that could lead to resentment from your side.

[Branleuse]

@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg

All the people who are saying "10 minutes" "15 minutes" "half an hour" and the poster who said "15 minutes, 10 without foreplay", you have extremely low standards. When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes, two thirds of which is foreplay. I'm not a fan of the vaginal pain that results if I'm insufficiently warmed up, and if my OH was taking five minutes over foreplay, he wouldn't even get it every two months. Sex should be mutually enjoyed, mutual desired, and savoured, not a chore to be endured.

If I had to commit to 90 minutes every time we had sex, id want to do it a lot less. A full on extended sex session is nice occasionally, but id struggle to maintain a proper arousal or be in the zone for that long most of the time. I bloody love a quickie and I really dont have low standards. It isnt about the time it takes. Its about whether youre both enjoying each other

[Allthereindeersaregirls]

All the people who are saying "10 minutes" "15 minutes" "half an hour" and the poster who said "15 minutes, 10 without foreplay", you have extremely low standards. When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes, two thirds of which is foreplay.

I'm glad you enjoy your 90minutes, but to me, foreplay is the devil. So for that hour, I'd be cringing, uncomfortable and really, really not enjoying myself! Give me a 10minute quicky over long sex sessions! And no, I don't get vaginal pain. I don't need warming up- if I'm in the mood for sex, I'm already warmed up.

[Skyla2005]

That wouldn't be enough sex for most men no. If you want your marriage to last you need to prioritise a bit Unless you want to discover his messaging other women or having an affair like kids of posters in here then you will wonder why ! Men need sex. It's a bodily function that they can't do without it's in their dna otherwise the human race wouldn't survive that's why they are built this way.

[FencesandFlowers]

When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes...

This was me until about three years ago and is why we don't have sex anymore.

I so longed for just a quickie and could sometimes placate him if it was first thing in the morning. But usually it was an epic performance based session in the living room once the young DCs were asleep, typically involving me dressing up, using a box of sex toys, ending with anal and filmed on a special camera that was always hidden so I was never sure.

I love my DH and still find him very attractive, but it got to the point where I was sort of just done with it all. I'm hoping one day (soon) we can get back to having more regular, but just normal sex!

[YouShouldLeave]

FencesandFlowers
”” . But usually it was an epic performance based session in the living room once the young DCs were asleep, typically involving me dressing up, using a box of sex toys, ending with anal and filmed on a special camera that was always hidden so I was never sure. ”””


What?

[LittleLottieChaos]

What a load of bullshit this thread is. Men don’t ‘need’ sex constantly, it is a desire, it is not oxygen. Any respectful partner will go with the flow.

Sit your partner loves you and you currently don’t want to have sex that often then he can surely accept that. His penis (contrary to popular belief on here) will not implode.

[Bluedeblue]

I'm the same as your DH. I feel very resentful if there is no intimacy for 8 weeks, and sadly this does happen here (not my choice). I feel trapped, because I wouldn't cheat, but I'd be getting more sex if I was single!

I'd try to schedule it once a week, if I was you. Sounds clinical, but that would keep me happy.

[Peanutbutterandbananatoastie]

Me and my oh are the other way around. He’s only interested once in a while and I would prefer more. I am not grumpy and irritable and I don’t make him feel guilty, I’ve gotten used to it. I don’t think you’re husband should be grumpy and irritable with you because of lack of sex. The guilt trip that results is unlikely to turn you on is it? Your kids are young. You’ll have more time and energy for sex as they get older.

Talk about it, maybe ‘date’ nights or counselling would help.

[Chillychangchoo]

It’s a sex drive mismatch. No right or wrong it’s just if you can both put up with it.

On a personal note it wouldn’t be for me.
If my husband only put out once every two months then I’d need to find myself a new husband.

It’s a sexless marriage.

[ThankYouHunkyJesus]

Stroppy, snappy men are such a turn on.

[Chillychangchoo]

@Allthereindeersaregirls

Snap. If I’m in the mood, I’m in the mood.
90 minutes sounds like torture.
Personally I sometimes just look at my husband and think hmm, and it’s over and done with very quickly 🤣. I am a bit of a bloke though 🤦‍♀️.

[Livelovebehappy]

Depends if you enjoy it or not when you do it. I think women’s lack of interest is often because they get nothing out of it, because they don’t orgasm. Then it becomes more of a chore where you’re only looking after their needs,

[cookiecreampie]

@LittleLottieChaos

What a load of bullshit this thread is. Men don’t ‘need’ sex constantly, it is a desire, it is not oxygen. Any respectful partner will go with the flow.

Sit your partner loves you and you currently don’t want to have sex that often then he can surely accept that. His penis (contrary to popular belief on here) will not implode.

Sounds like it isn't just a period of no sex though, this sounds more permanent and OP is being a bit selfish. Withdrawal of sex can be a form of emotional abuse under certain circumstances.

[partyatthepalace]

Well, no one should be pushed into sex, but saying that once every two months is very infrequent. It’s not unusual, but it wouldn’t work for an awful lot of people (male and female) - as it clearly isn’t working for your P, it will need to change at some point or there is a risk your relationship will be under threat.

I think you need to have a think and then a proper talk with him. Do you just not want to have sex more frequently, or is it that you just can’t see a way to make time when you aren’t exhausted? In an ideal world would you like it to be more frequent? Do you think it’s impacting on your intimacy?

Once you know how you feel about it, you can listen to him telling you how it’s making him feel. Ideally you’d figure out a way to make space for more regular sex (even if once every 3 weeks to start) and build from there. Not to say it should be as frequent as he might like, but hopefully a compromise can be reached that means you are both content.

[lap90]

I'd be grumpy and frustrated too.

[Bumpsadaisie]

I noticed you talked about "prioritising HIS needs" - so, sex is something he needs and you don't.

I don't doubt that you don't feel like having sex much. But I wonder if a part of you has got cut off from your need for sex and connection.

Instead you locate all the desire in him. He wants it - you don't - and you have to "put out".

Perhaps in some way this is easier for you than to think that, with all the many challenges and demands on you in your life with kids and work, you actually need to feel connected to your DH.

I know I got to that kind of place when I had small kids. I forgot that I did actually need to be connected to him more than ever!