Page 4 | DH gets grumpy without sex

Teenagehorrorbag · 16/05/2021 00:02

It's not something to 'tick off' or 'maintenance sex' exactly, but I agree with PPs that unless you have a real underlying issue, it shouldn't be impossible to find time for a brief cuddle up more than once every two months.

It's easy to feel tired and not bother. I don't have a high sex drive and could happily go months, but I know DH would be upset, and from the intimacy angle as much as the basic act. But as someone said upthread, I do actively make time for it weekly, which seems to work. And when we do it, I do enjoy it. It's just easy to think 'oh I can't be bothered' and then when you do you remember how nice it is and it really does make you feel much more couply (is that a word?).

In my head I feel I could not bother for ages - but actually I do think it does help us to be more than just housemates, as someone said earlier.

Of course nobody should have sex they really don't want, but if it's just tiredness and busyness then I hope you can find a solution. Good luck.

ThornAmongstRoses · 16/05/2021 00:04

Similar problem here in that my DH has got a much higher sex drive than me.

Over the last 8 years our sex life took a total nosedive following babies, breastfeeding, family stresses etc but we’ve tried to make a real effort over the last 6 months.

He would love sex 2-4 times a week whereas I could probably go a whole month without sex, if not longer, and not miss it at all.

I enjoy sex when we have it but I have to hear myself up for it and sometimes I do have it because I know it’s important to him and it’s important our marriage stays stable.

We probably average about 6 times a month which I know is far from ideal but it feels like a good enough compromise that we are both happy with.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 16/05/2021 00:07

I'd be getting antsy after less than that. I get frustrated if we go more than a week whereas DH is happy with once a month. I thought you were going to say he was pestering you for sex on a daily basis but if I were you I'd be looking at going to a relationship therapist as I don't think it's very fair to expect him to just put up with being virtually celibate.

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 00:08

If you don't want to have Sex, you should not be pressured manipulated or bullied into having Sex.

He has options, He can leave.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 16/05/2021 00:09

Tbh once every two months wouldn't do it for me. If my dp didn't agree to work on improving things I'd leave. It's an important thing to make time for. And let's face it, doesn't usually take up more than half an hour of time.

Rewis · 16/05/2021 00:12

@AnneLovesGilbert

Have you talked about it?

You must have missed the bit where he tries to talk about it and she tells him to get over himself and grow up...

I did and I still can't see it. She says "he tries to" and she tells him to get over it. I didn't read it as her meaning talking. But hey, maybe this is me having miserable reading comprehension. In that case I apologise for asking an useless question.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 16/05/2021 00:13

I have zero libido and am happily single. I couldn't cope with feeling obliged to have sex. If you previously had more sex and your libido has now dropped off a cliff you need to decide what you want. If want to stay in a relationship with your husband you'll have to accept that regular sex is part of the deal.

littlepattilou · 16/05/2021 00:34

@Olivia2900 I was with you, until you said he wants it every 3-4 weeks, but in your opinion. every 2 months is enough!

Every 3-4 weeks in not an unreasonable amount to ask. Even once a week in OK!

YABVU!

Pinkylemons · 16/05/2021 00:44

It’s a tough one. If both partners are happy with a few times a year then that’s absolutely fine. We’ve been through stages of a few times a week to nothing for a few months over the last 20 odd years. If one partner has a different sex drive to the other that’s when there will be problems. It’s only you who can figure out the best course of action to take. If I told my DH I never wanted sex again he’d be upset but he wouldn’t leave me, there’s a lot more to our relationship than sex, it’s just one small part and vice versa.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk about it.

Wearywithteens · 16/05/2021 01:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Couchbettato · 16/05/2021 01:23

I do think this issue is above MN paygrade.

Is the low libido permanent or temporary? Have you always dismissed him so coldly or have you ever had any meaningful conversations? Is he aggressive and scary or is he just a bit disappointed and irritable?

I think all these things matter and if you care and want a better sex life you need a doctor. If you're happy, you need to set him free.

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 01:31

@Wearywithteens

Oh ffs - this is not helpful to the Op. People don’t ‘explode’ if they don’t have sex. Young mothers have got so much going on, it’s no wonder sex is at the bottom of a long list. No co-incidence it’s mainly women who post these things. On MN, posters pride themselves at being at it like monkeys and see you as something broken and to be medicated. In real life (from my many years of talking to women about these things) it’s very normal what you’re going through. Your DH can have a wank - it won’t kill him.

Glad someone said this..

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2021 01:34

I'd probably say you should suck it up and do it fortnightly non begrudgingly

What kind of man wants sex with someone who doesn't actually also want it? The OP isn't a fleshlight, she's a human being. Sex should be mutually desired, not a chore. Your suggestion endorses some seriously unhealthy, to the point of borderline rapey, attitudes.

OP, a post-birth libido mismatch is probably best addressed through talking about what he can take on to make you less tired.

NoDramaMama14 · 16/05/2021 01:40

Oh my gosh it's asif the man has lost the ability to self satisfy. She doesn't have to have sex with him at all if she doesn't want to. Shaming OP for frequency, is awful. If you want to op, talk to him about what would work better for the both of you. Don't be scared or shamed into more intimacy than you would like.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 16/05/2021 01:43

All the people who are saying "10 minutes" "15 minutes" "half an hour" and the poster who said "15 minutes, 10 without foreplay", you have extremely low standards. When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes, two thirds of which is foreplay. I'm not a fan of the vaginal pain that results if I'm insufficiently warmed up, and if my OH was taking five minutes over foreplay, he wouldn't even get it every two months. Sex should be mutually enjoyed, mutual desired, and savoured, not a chore to be endured.

Anordinarymum · 16/05/2021 01:48

@Olivia2900

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

Marriage is an equal partnership and there has to be give and take for it to work well. I think you need to talk about both your needs here, but from the way you worded your post a little kindness would not go amiss

Wearywithteens · 16/05/2021 02:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

eatsleepread · 16/05/2021 02:12

Your relationship is doomed, as he'll end up having an affair.

Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll · 16/05/2021 02:37

To put it bluntly, he will just start to look elsewhere to fulfill his needs and I wouldn't blame him.

Time for divorce in my opinion.

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 02:48

@Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll

To put it bluntly, he will just start to look elsewhere to fulfill his needs and I wouldn't blame him.

Time for divorce in my opinion.

I'd pack his stuff for him, wave him off.

Anordinarymum · 16/05/2021 02:51

@Wearywithteens

“I think you need to talk about both your needs here, but from the way you worded your post a little kindness would not go amiss”

Because God forbid Mr Snappy-short-temper can’t get his end away...’a little kindness’...fucking hell - funny how this only works one way - the responsibility for ‘kindness’ ALWAYS resides with women, never the men! And in this case it means being penetrated by an irritable man when you have got enough on your plate already and sex is the last thing in your mind... how about he shows a bit of kindness and patience in his marriage? Too much of a fucking stretch for the brain that one eh?

Calm down.

Saltyslug · 16/05/2021 05:07

You need to meet in the middle somewhere. How often would he like sex? How often would you like sex? What are the issues which make you feel too tired? What can you both do to lighten your load and help you feel less tired.

Saltyslug · 16/05/2021 05:09

Your relationship is not doomed. You have a small child and that is exhausting and relentless. Things change naturally

OnlyInYourDreams · 16/05/2021 05:33

There are regularly posters here who post that they are in sexless marriages and the unanimous advice is that they should leave.

So why when it is a man who is in a sexless marriage should he just get over it, not be upset about it, do more housework?

I don’t see people telling posters whose DH’s aren’t prepared to have sex with them just to go out and buy a vibrator?

And the reason why women post about it more than men here is because A, it’s predominantly a female site, and B, any man posting that he was upset that his wife didn’t want sex would be shot down in flames on here.

So let’s not pretend that it is the little wifey who is expected to just put out, yes it’s one-sided, women should be allowed to say no or to be upset at the lack of sex, men should put out or leave….

And I speak as someone who has had almost no sex drive over the past 4 years firstly due to illness, and now a year of lockdown and having my bed all to myself has killed it, and I’m not sure whether it’s even fair of me to stay with DP now.

He’s only been here a very few times in the pandemic because he lives in a higher rate area and I am CEV, so even when he was here he slept in the spare room. Now he’s due to come down soon as restrictions have lifted and I am now fully vaccinated, and the idea of sharing my bed with him, or any man for that matter isn’t one I want to contemplate right now.

But I know that’s my issue to deal with, so I’m having to re-think the relationship because of it.

TrickorTreacle · 16/05/2021 06:29

Switch the roles around and the bloke is a sex pest because he wants sex.