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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH gets grumpy without sex

204 replies

Olivia2900 · 15/05/2021 20:32

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 15/05/2021 22:22

That's the spirit, telling your husband to grow up and get over himself when he wants to have sex with his wife.. Every 2 months.. You should manage your own expectations here.. It is perfectly reasonable to get grumpy once you are turned down consistently using this wording. Maybe consider divorce.

MsOgyny · 15/05/2021 22:23

I agree with those saying if there's a way that he could help you to actually WANT to have sex, like shoulder more household tasks so that you're less tired etc, then maybe try talking it through with him. But don't start having sex if you don't want to - that's going to cause all manner of worse problems.

Also, he should not be sulking, or grumpy or whatever. That's just him making you feel guilty to try to get you to sleep with him. How vile. Of course people can go for more than 2 months without sex and still be perfectly pleasant people. People who aren't in relationships and don't do casual sex manage to be decent, happy people - we can't identify people in the street or office or whatever as not having had sex recently as they're grumpy. I bet he's not grumpy to everyone outside the house - just to you to make some kind of very unattractive point.

Talk to him. If you both want things to happen more frequently but you just don't have the energy, find a solution together. If you don't want things to change, he needs to know that too. But good grief the man can stop sulking about it! He's perfectly capable of controlling his emotions, I'm sure!

Branleuse · 15/05/2021 22:26

Do you think hes doing it on purpose?
I get grumpy when its been ages. Dp doesnt get grumpy but seems to get less affectionate. A good shag sorts it out.

bunglebee · 15/05/2021 22:27

Of course people can go for more than 2 months without sex and still be perfectly pleasant people. People who aren't in relationships and don't do casual sex manage to be decent, happy people - we can't identify people in the street or office or whatever as not having had sex recently as they're grumpy.

Not having a partner is not the same as living with a partner whom you love and are sexually attracted to but who makes you feel like a disgusting freak for wanting to have sex with them. Not having a partner is different from being regularly rejected by someone you love and told to "grow up" because you want to have a sexual life with the person you love and who is supposed to love you.

We went nearly three weeks recently for complicated reasons and I haaaaaaaated it. It's nothing like being single. Being single is fine.

Freeekedout · 15/05/2021 22:31

Nobody has asked if the sex is okay when you DTD. Maybe if the sex isn't great you're even less inclined to have sex regularly?

YukoandHiro · 15/05/2021 22:32

Are you breastfeeding your toddler? It kills libido dead but it's only short term.... can you fake it a bit til you stop?

Sometimeswinning · 15/05/2021 22:34

Yes op. Lie down and enjoy it! You're just out the loop or flat out dont fancy him. Either way you need to sit down and chat. Ignore the I cant go 2 weeks without it Confused They're not doing it as often as they say.

bunglebee · 15/05/2021 22:39

Ignore the I cant go 2 weeks without it. They're not doing it as often as they say.

... The fuck? Why would people lie, and what gives you the insight to know better?

In nearly two decades together and DC we've never gone two months. Ever. Stuff happens, especially after a birth or in case of illness etc, but years of sex once every two months is essentially sexless. However you slice it OP and her H have to either find a constructive way forward together or split, but it's not that wildly unusual to find it hard and frustrating to go for weeks and months without sex in a LT committed relationship.

Zzelda · 15/05/2021 22:53

You need to explore why you're so tired. Are the children unusually bad sleepers? If not, perhaps you need a medical checkup.

Jobsharenightmare · 15/05/2021 22:55

Are you able to talk about what you need in order to want sex more often? Are you happy with a low libido or do you think you too would like it more often but life gets in the way? I don't think either of you are happy here and if I was him I'd be asking you what needs to change as I'd feel so rejected.

Sometimeswinning · 15/05/2021 22:55

... The fuck? Why would people lie, and what gives you the insight to know better

This I find a little defensive. Sex shouldn't be an effort or something to tick off you've done. Dh and I can go a month with no sex or be doing it whenever the moment allows. The day I start taking count I'll be worried.

PerveenMistry · 15/05/2021 22:57

@Wallywobbles

I'm afraid your relationship wouldn't work for me. I like sex more often than that even with 2 under 2 and now with 4 teens.

Sex is important and it is part of the glue in most relationships. If I thought your current state of play was temporary ok I'd deal with it, but if this is the rest of my life then I'd not be that keen long term.

And personally I'd divorce while the kids are as young as possible as it works best for them.

Obviously this isn't what you want to hear. But it is my view.

I agree.

No one should feel forced to have sex but it is a component of marriage. Otherwise let one another go and just be co parents.

katy1213 · 15/05/2021 22:57

No wonder the poor man is grumpy. If you're that grudging, don't blame him when he starts looking elsewhere. Hang on - you don't want to do it, but you don't want him to do it with anyone else?

MournfulTromboneNoise · 15/05/2021 23:00

@Sometimeswinning

Yes op. Lie down and enjoy it! You're just out the loop or flat out dont fancy him. Either way you need to sit down and chat. Ignore the I cant go 2 weeks without it Confused They're not doing it as often as they say.
Bit of envy showing there.

Most have acknowledged that a good sex life, especially after kids and with a full life isn't something that just happens for many couples. It takes work on all levels of the relationship, communication and understanding.

Op can choose to look at why she's in a sexless marriage and she and her husband can work together on improving this, or not.

Some of us are out the other side here. If we're not to be believed and it's unfixable then might as well throw in the towel.

Low libido isn't the end of a fantastic sex life. There's a lot of potential causes, medical, physical and emotional. For a good relationship they're worth exploring and fixing, so both partners can enjoy a happy fulfilling sex life.

DixonD · 15/05/2021 23:01

My DH has a lower sex drive than me and is happy with once a month. I get grumpy too sometimes but I would like it more often. He can’t help feeling this way.

You need to make more effort.

MegaClutterSlut · 15/05/2021 23:01

I wouldn't be happy going 2 months without and I think your dh is being quite patient tbf. When I went off sex when pregnant I used to sort dh out Wink

Marilla27 · 15/05/2021 23:12

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Sometimeswinning · 15/05/2021 23:19

@MournfulTromboneNoise yep you got me. Totally envious of randoms saying they do it all the time Wink

Mylittlepony374 · 15/05/2021 23:20

Yeah 2 months is a loooong time with no sex. And telling him to get over himself is horrible. You need to have a serious think about your marriage.

MooseBreath · 15/05/2021 23:35

YABU in this instance. If he can go 3 weeks before getting frustrated, I'd be looking at having sex every 3 weeks or so. It's really not a lot of time to devote, and it's really important for your relationship. If he were asking for daily then it would be unreasonable, but every 2 months is definitely not enough if one party is feeling neglected.

Holothane · 15/05/2021 23:42

I gave up with mine even though medical and medication are the reason he’s just not interested even when we did have we’ve never been at like rabbits, it’s just the status quo now, I’d never have an affair I have my dream life, he knows what to do but he’s just not that interested, we’re very good friends and hold hands cuddle but for me I no longer think of him for sexual pleasure and to be honest haven’t for a few years. Thankyou I had to get this out.

Rewis · 15/05/2021 23:53

How was your sex life before kids? Do you actually feel attracted to your husband? Do you feel like your sex life is fine for you? Is there something he could do (do more housework etc.) To make you less tired?

Your husband shouldn't be sulking and being grumpy, he should be having an adult conversation about the situation. Have you talked about it?

That being said, he clearly wants more sex than you and that is a problem. This will effect other aspects of your marriage. Also being constantly rejected affects your confidence so it will really have an effect on him. So, if you want a healthy marriage you should really have a conversation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2021 23:55

Have you talked about it?

You must have missed the bit where he tries to talk about it and she tells him to get over himself and grow up...

AyyMacarena · 15/05/2021 23:56

I hope you're ok OP. I imagine these responses may be hard to read for you. Unfortunately, they are correct. You shouldn't feel that you have to have sex to please him and if it's a no, you can say that but it is fair for him to be frustrated (though not to take it out on you) with what is effectively a sexless marriage.

You need to talk and come to some middle ground or understanding. If you're that tired then you need to see a doctor because that's an unhealthy amount of tired.

Please talk to him. Good luck.

Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan · 16/05/2021 00:00

Good grief I can't go more than a few days. I'd be a right cow with no intimacy for that long, and its not intentional, I've no control over it.
Hubby always says when I get snappy to get to bed 🤣🤣
I need a regular service 🤣🤣

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