DH gets grumpy without sex

[Olivia2900]

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

Sex is more about intimacy than anything for else for me. It's a way for me and DH to feel closer.
He has recently had a change up with his depression medication, didn't want sex and didn't want to talk about it.
We have 2 young children, one with a disability, I am the sole carer for both and do everything round the house and the wife work and yet I was upset that we'd lost the intimacy.
I hated myself for it but I did sulk because if he can't talk about it then we can't fix it and the lack of intimacy had a knock on effect to my self esteem. We've had ups and downs over the years regarding how much sex we have but recently has been the longest we've ever been without sex in 13 years together, including after 2 c sections.
I did not want to sulk or be grumpy but feeling my husband didn't love me or fancy me or was no longer attracted to me really hurt me and I wasn't prepared to pretend everything was fine. He (thankfully) made a conscious effort to cuddle and show affection on other ways but it is not the same.
We finally had a conversation last week and he explained what he was thinking and feeling (which in my opinion was directly related to his depression) and hopefully are coming out the other end of it now.
Obviously I don't know how OPs DH views sex within their marriage, but to me it is important to keep us connected and to soothe my self esteem worries, and being brushed off repeatedly when trying to discuss how i was feeling made the rejection worse and made me grumpier.

All the people who are saying "10 minutes" "15 minutes" "half an hour" and the poster who said "15 minutes, 10 without foreplay", you have extremely low standards. When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes, two thirds of which is foreplay. I'm not a fan of the vaginal pain that results if I'm insufficiently warmed up, and if my OH was taking five minutes over foreplay, he wouldn't even get it every two months. Sex should be mutually enjoyed, mutual desired, and savoured, not a chore to be endured.

It's not low standards to enjoy something different to you. Personally I absolutely love a quickie, it can be very satisfying and my favourite kind of sex. Of course long passionate sessions have their place but in a busy young family they might be less frequent and to be honest a whole hour of foreplay every single time would feel like a chore to me. I'm the exact opposite of you and if that's what was going on every time I probably wouldn't want it very often either. Any long term partner would know what would get me in the mood very quickly and I've never had vaginal pain just because I didnt get extensive foreplay.

Whilst op's dh probably isn't helping the matter getting grumpy and sulky, I actually can't say I blame him. Especially when he's being told just to get over it. I've been there where a partner didn't want sex often and it was frustrating and I felt incredibly rejected, even then it was more than once every 2 months, not just a one off 2 month stint that in sure plenty people have at one time or another but as a regular thing - around 6 times a year. As pp's have said that's basically a sexless marriage and does need addresses due to one party not surprisingly being unhappy:

I don't think you should tell him to "get over himself and grow up".

Once every 2 months is not very often. You shouldn't be pressured to having sex you don't want, but he also shouldn't be made to feel bad for having sexual needs.

If your marriage isn’t working you need to address this urgently. If me and my partner only had sex a few times a year I would consider us friends really rather than husband and wife.

@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg

All the people who are saying "10 minutes" "15 minutes" "half an hour" and the poster who said "15 minutes, 10 without foreplay", you have extremely low standards. When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes, two thirds of which is foreplay. I'm not a fan of the vaginal pain that results if I'm insufficiently warmed up, and if my OH was taking five minutes over foreplay, he wouldn't even get it every two months. Sex should be mutually enjoyed, mutual desired, and savoured, not a chore to be endured.

This is so patronising - everyone is different! Some people love quickies or spontaneous sex rather than a big session. Long or short sessions (so to speak) are equally enjoyable if both parties enjoy them. I personally like somewhere in the middle of those things but wouldn't dream of telling anyone else that they have 'low standards' if they like something different.

@Wearywithteens

“I think you need to talk about both your needs here, but from the way you worded your post a little kindness would not go amiss”

Because God forbid Mr Snappy-short-temper can’t get his end away...’a little kindness’...fucking hell - funny how this only works one way - the responsibility for ‘kindness’ ALWAYS resides with women, never the men! And in this case it means being penetrated by an irritable man when you have got enough on your plate already and sex is the last thing in your mind... how about he shows a bit of kindness and patience in his marriage? Too much of a fucking stretch for the brain that one eh?

Your username indicates your situation here, and I empathise, but wow - that was unnecessarily aggressive and didn't really add much.

Granted you shouldn't have to have sex if you don't want to but can you imagine if your husband told you to "get over yourself" for wanting to be intimate?? Wow!! That really is so mean!

He seems very patient if he is geting frustrated.
It's nearly always enjoyable when you make an effort.

I think the key here is are you getting good sex when you have it?

Is he taking his time, making you orgasm or is he shoving it in a few grunts and it's over?

With my exhusband we went 6 + months without sex, it unfulfilling, boring and I hated it.

With my new partner we have sex every 3 to 4 days on average. He is such a good lover, its all about my pleasure, the more we do it, the more I want it.

So perhaps it's his technique?

2 months is incredibly infrequent. He's got a right to find that difficult.

You have a 4 month old and a toddler. You have a right to be feeling so knackered you can't tell which way up the bed is.

I don't think either of you is BU but I think this needs addressing. You've posted which suggests you agree.

I'd start with some practicalities like what contraception you're using. The pill kills my sex drive, especially the mini pill - i still had sex but I felt used. Without the pill we were so terrified of pregnancy we never had penetrative sex. In the end a vasectomy was the answer for us, though its something a man has to research for himself as there can be painful side effects.

The difficulty was that with a low sex drive I just assumed it would never change,and forgot that I'd ever wanted sex. These things can change more than you'd believe possible.

Did you have sex more often before children and would you like to have more sex again? If you were less tired would you want sex more? What can he do to help ensure you are less tired and happy to have sex more often?

I think you need to prioritise each others needs so you are less tired and you are both more able to enjoy sex. If though you've lost your libido and want it back perhaps it's worth speaking to your gp. If you're just not interested in ever have sex more than this then you need to speak to your DH about it so he knows where he stands and you can decide between you how you handle it.

I feel for you OP. I went through a similar situation with exh and he did cheat on me in the end.
To be honest though he was pretty crap in bed, jackhammered away and pestered for anal and was substandard at oral. I did try to guide him but he never improved so sex just dwindled.

I thought it must be me, my hormones, my tiredness, my job etc etc but once I met someone new who was actually great in bed I couldn't get enough of him.

I'm massively projecting here but is this the case for you?

When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes
Wow 90 minutes. I do everything quickly I'm rushed naturally. I eat fast, walk fast, shag fast even if it starts slow.

Were your kids planned? If so, Did you have sex more often when you were trying to conceive?

Do you enjoy sex when you do have it?

Wow 90 minutes. I do everything quickly I'm rushed naturally. I eat fast, walk fast, shag fast even if it starts slow

Not to mention a whole hour of foreplay. I'd be finished long before the actual sex ever took place. I don't have that kind of attention span 😆

I'm pregnant and have a 14 month old in the bed and a stroppy 13 year old, both work full time too, and have sex at least once a week. Why is it falling so far down your list? Don't you like it?

I'd probably leave DH if we had sex this infrequently, it's such a massive part of the relationship.

All the people who are saying "10 minutes" "15 minutes" "half an hour" and the poster who said "15 minutes, 10 without foreplay", you have extremely low standards. When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes, two thirds of which is foreplay. I'm not a fan of the vaginal pain that results if I'm insufficiently warmed up, and if my OH was taking five minutes over foreplay, he wouldn't even get it every two months. Sex should be mutually enjoyed, mutual desired, and savoured, not a chore to be endured.

That's not low standards it's enjoying something different. No way would I want an hour of foreplay, that wouldn't be enjoyable for either of us.

All those assuming a minimum of ten minutes... what would you be saying if the sex lasted less than two minutes? That wouldn't be enjoyable for the OP, and I could understand why she wouldn't want regular sex if it was over so quickly.

He must think you don't fancy him or are putting up with a shag now & again if it is only once every 2 months...like 6 times a year? I think you do need to try & find time to reconnect. I'm guessing sex wasn't as infrequent early on or when you were newly weds. I know small kids are exhausting & it can be hard to feel sexy when you are run ragged... but it is important to keep passion alive & want each other...sometimes when the other things are mundane or humdrum, you need to remember the intimate connection that keeps you there & together...not just because together you pay the mortgage/bills & keep everything ticking over. If he needs more & you love & want him, let him know. I'm not on board with the idea that men will take it where they can get it.... but I do think longterm frustration in that department & a sexless/ passionless marriage can lead to bigger problems.

There is so much you can do for mutual pleasure, because just plain PIV. If you are not giving and receiving that closeness and satisfaction you are losing a large part of your marriage. The remaining parts may not be enough to keep it going. I hope you will take the advice in this thread to get back into the bedroom activities.

besides, not because.

YABVU

All those assuming a minimum of ten minutes... what would you be saying if the sex lasted less than two minutes? That wouldn't be enjoyable for the OP, and I could understand why she wouldn't want regular sex if it was over so quickly.

OP hasn't mentioned any issues with it being too quick. Although this can be a bigger problem when sex is infrequent, she'd probably have mentioned if the main issue was the sex was 2 minutes long and unsatisfying. You could go in to many hypothetical 'what ifs' but it wouldn't really be relevant to the post

It depends why your DH is being grumpy and snappy, if its to punish you for not having sex and make a point then that's wrong of him, he should just have an adult conversation with you. If he is acting that way without realising because he's frustrated then you telling him to grow up and get over himself is wrong . Sounds like you both need to communicate properly with eachother about it.

Every couple is different, some may have sex everyday, a few times a week or every couple of months or even less. Just because a couple has sex more or less frequently doesn't mean they aren't "normal". Some people just have lower or higher libidos and some issues will also affect that; sleep deprivation from children not sleeping, stressful job/long hours, working different shifts, mental health, physical health, medication etc.
Not wanting to have sex could be a symptom of these things rather than there being a fundamental issue in your relationship, especially as you say everything else is good.

As long as both partners are on the same page and happy with the amount of intimacy in the relationship then I see no issue. Also intimacy doesn't always mean 'sex', it could also be massage, touch etc.

Obviously from what you say, the amount of sex is an issue for your DH so you'll need to address it together. I would suggest talking about both your needs/wants with each other and practical ways you can improve it so you're both happier. If you can't find any solutions then maybe a relationship/ sex therapist will be able to help.

AyyMacarena

I hope you're ok OP. I imagine these responses may be hard to read for you. Unfortunately, they are correct. You shouldn't feel that you have to have sex to please him and if it's a no, you can say that but it is fair for him to be frustrated (though not to take it out on you) with what is effectively a sexless marriage.

You need to talk and come to some middle ground or understanding. If you're that tired then you need to see a doctor because that's an unhealthy amount of tired.

Please talk to him. Good luck.

^^this

I agree here that you need to talk about things and not brush his concerns under the carpet with a “get over yourself”. That’s not a healthy way to have a good relationship with him. You’re essentially just housemates right now, with a pretty sexless marriage. I get it-we have all been there before with young DC, but your youngest is now 18 months, so things should be improving.

I find that without sex, I start feeling a bit shit about myself and really unattractive and unloved. So I suspect your DH most probably feels the same but doesn’t feel able for whatever reason to communicate that with you. Intimacy is the basis of a healthy relationship and whilst it can go up and down over years (ours has, with babies, his depression, work load; now for us it’s teenagers and perimenapause) your post that “it’s been like this for years” is telling. Sometimes, I do think “oh fuck it, let’s have a go then”-but I always enjoy it once we start, so I can say that there can be a “fake it till you make it” moment at times. It doesn’t have to last ages (sweet Jesus I couldn’t do 90mins, I’d be sore and have raging cystitis!) but I always find that the more we have the more I actually want. A quickie can be just as good.

You do need to talk this out properly so that you can find middle ground-but if you’re not prepared talk to him and consider the possibility of making changes then let him go so that he can find a more fulfilling relationship.