Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

I do see your point and I understand co sleeping for babies, not so much older children.
I do prefer a child sleeps in their own bed every night unless sick.
The biggest struggle is bedtime and when you have to function on with many responsibilities daily who wants to have a little person punching you or kicking you when you need your time out and rest/sleep.
I also teaches a child to learn rules and self soothing, settling.
Then again no idea how so many parents wait out a child falling asleep.
We all have our boundaries and limits.
As pp said many parents now work full time and sleep keeps us on track to deal with the other side of parent life and relationships.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I agree 100% with this . You need to have adult time without children hanging around you . You need to sustain your relationship as husband and wife. I'm sure this is the cause of many men going elsewhere .

Well then that's on the men for being shit parnters and fathers. Like fuck am I choosing my partners want to dip his di k over the comfort and feelings of my children. If he wants to go and plough it elsewhere because of that, let him crack on.

Again perhaps you are being a shit wife and not taking account of everyone's feelings and prioritising children ?

Because if you don’t they still come in when they’re almost 12 and wake you up with their sleep walking, mumbling and laughing at 2 am, and again at 4am.

My DD slept on a mattress on my floor for a few years. The others slept oh their beds. No way was I having her in my bed, I need sleep.

I’m single now and don’t miss sharing a bed at all, I love sleeping on my own. I don’t even let me partner stay over. We have a nice time and he goes home. He prefers his own bed alone too although when we go on holiday etc it’s nice to share but I do look forward to having my own space again

@MrsMaizel

You should probably pop back to your own century.

We co sleep age 10. I'd be really interested to know about others experiences but my dc have always been extremely well behaved, kind and nice - it's not a boast at all but I have often wondered if it's to do with co sleeping. We literally never have battles about anything.

Because as a parent I want to sleep alone; I want to watch tv or read in bed before sleep (or have sex). Lots of things are “natural” but that doesn’t mean they’re the right thing to do.

When my DD has slept in my bed she kicks out, star fishes and wants to sleep with her face against mine so all that means I barely sleep.

Why do we make children clean their teeth when they don't want to? Wash their hands after going to the toilet when they don't want to? Go to bed at a decent time when they don't want to . Etc etc

Some parents adopt the ' let the children choose' approach. , I preferred the 'I'm the parent' approach. We have to find our own way as a parent, not saying I am right. I just feel some things get harder to change the longer they go on. I remember a Mum of a year 5 child fretting about his first school residential because she still had to lie down next to him to get him to sleep.

My 2 have never wanted to sleep in our bed past the baby stage. I'm glad. I can feel pretty touched out by the end of the day and it's nice to have a good spell without them.

[quote flashylamp]@MrsMaizel

You should probably pop back to your own century. [/quote]
I realise that this is an unpopular view with certain sectors possibly the over obsessed ones but unfortunately it is a reality . You see time and time again those couples out in public and the look on the man's face says it all . Yes these are difficult years and both parents have to pull their weight but you need to nurture your original relationship .

My dd is 3.5 and due to renovations hasn't been able to have her own room. She has a bed in our room. Around 3 she started asking for her own bedroom and a big girl bed. She doesn't want to sleep with us anymore. So I think those saying if you don't move them early they never want to leave aren't always right. In our case, she can't wait to leave.
All the renovation work got postponed due to covid but now my dh is in her new room building the bed and im so excited for her!

And for the morning sex with my dh!

My dds were both welcome in my bed as long as they wanted. Dd1 moved into her own room at 18 months, but regularly came through into my bed in the middle of the night until she was about 7. I was a single parent with a double bed, there was space for her, it didn't matter.

Dd2 co slept with us, with no separate bed/room until 13 months when I needed to night wean so I could get more sleep. Then she moved into her own room but in a double bed so one of us could lie down beside her until she fell asleep, and if she woke in the night she would toddle herself through to us. That gradually stopped at around 7/8. There were 2 of us in the bed already so space became an issue, but we solved that by buying a bigger bed rather than insisting she stayed in her own room. She's 11 now and still has trouble sleeping unless someone is nearby (we don't have to be lying next to her now, but she does like to hear someone pottering around upstairs) when she goes up to bed. We're getting a puppy very soon and the plan is that once he's settled in he will sleep in her room so they both have a bit of company overnight.

I don't see any evidence if you don't teach your children to sleep independently from a young age, they will struggle to learn later on. Quite the opposite, I think it's easier for them to learn when they're ready to do that. However, parents do need a break, so each to their own.

I never have. I don't mind if my children come in beside me and neither does husband. Eldest is 12 and I still don't mind.

Each to their own.

Because they wake us up with their snuffling and kicking sometimes and it can be overwhelming to feel like you never get any private space.

Because sometimes you want to have sex in your own bed or wake up snuggling with your partner and not your child.

Saying that, Ive coslept with all of my children at different times and they are welcome to come to me in the night if they need me, but ive encouraged them to use their own rooms

My kid's 2 and loves to sleep in his own room. Horses for courses.

The reality is that it is usually women who become over obsessed with their children as opposed to the men .

Over obsessed 🤣

Because none of sleep well and all end up tired and grumpy

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I've always wondered this too. The 2 adults in the house sleep together , and the children are put in a different room. I think it's slightly different if the children are sharing with a sibling, but why alone? Ididn't even ikea sleeping in a room alone.

I think this is one of the reasons that people (on both sides) get so polarised in this, because adults themselves feel very differently about bedsharing. I love having the bed to myself, and if we had a big enough house I'd love DH and I to have our own rooms! I felt very sorry for friends who had to share their room with siblings as a child, my room and my bed was my sanctuary. Perhaps consequently, cosleeping with a baby never felt natural or at all restful to me - I tried a few times in desperation with DS1 and my instincts told me that it was dangerous. I know it isn't, statistically, but I felt in a deep down panicky way it was and so never had more than a few minutes of very light sleep that I'd wake up from panicking with him in the bed - clearly not sustainable. I know a lot of people find it reassuring and restful to have their babies near them but I just don't - I now have DS2 (12 weeks) and I sleep much better with him because I use white noise, which was initially to help him but I've realised that it means I can't hear him breathing and snuffling (obviously I hear him cry) and for me that's much more restful.

DS4 still sleeps in our bed. We've moved house (and countries) several times now. While he had a bedroom in our previous two houses, the one in our current one was only finished recently due to building work.
He wants to still sleep in our bed. He likes to snuggle and feels safe. For him, it's confusing why mum and dad can sleep together but he's meant to be all alone. It's not an issue for us, though. He falls asleep quickly and sleeps through the night. DH actually likes having him in bed, too. There are other rooms and beds in the house to have sex in...

Around 3 she started asking for her own bedroom and a big girl bed. She doesn't want to sleep with us anymore. So I think those saying if you don't move them early they never want to leave aren't always right. In our case, she can't wait to leave.

Tbf though, she hasn’t actually left so you don’t know whether she will transition fully to her own room or whether she will come back to where she is used to for some time.

*Just had a baby op?
First child?

Yes and yes

Revisit this thread in a couple of years and you’ll squirm*

I've just had my third and if anything I'm worse now than with my first, because I've now realised I don't give a shit what other people think. I do what's best for me and my children.

@flashylamp

You need to have adult time without children hanging around you . You need to sustain your relationship as husband and wife. I'm sure this is the cause of many men going elsewhere .

Aww bless the poor men

True story though.

I had two shocking sleepers and spent seven years in a hideous fog. Ex never helped as ‘he worked’

Then he came to me and said he was depressed as I didn’t shag him enough. I’d damaged his self esteem apparently ..

We co sleep age 10. I'd be really interested to know about others experiences but my dc have always been extremely well behaved, kind and nice - it's not a boast at all but I have often wondered if it's to do with co sleeping.

Sounds like you have lovely children, but there are plenty of well behaved, kind, nice children who sleep independently so I very much doubt that it is solely down to co-sleeping.

We literally never have battles about anything
That is unusual age 10, usually battles arise from children asserting their independence and it is a way of learning how to deal with conflict. I very much doubt they will go all the way through secondary school without having 'battles' with other people, hopefully they will be equipped to deal with it.

No wonder so many marriages fail if they are not prioritised in any way whatsoever.

Are tons of marriages really failing because of co sleeping?

Ours were in cots in the room for at least 6 months & very rarely come into us now (except for the morning cuddles). If they do I'm pretty relaxed about it but often they end up wanting to go back to their own bed.