Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

I've let DS sleep in with me for years. He's almost 8 and just gone into his own room. He has no problem sleeping independently, he has always slept in his own room at his dad's house (divorced) and when he's stayed over with grandparents. He just liked being in with me. I'm single though so it's no problem.

It's true that the vast majority of cultures cosleep, and so have most people through history. But I'd note that for almost all of these they would also have done a lot less 'active' parenting of little children than we do - children much less closely supervised, no expectation that an adult would get on the floor and play with a child (and probably slight concern that they were losing it if they did), an expectation that an adult's job is to do something else (house/farm work, a trade, etc) and keeping an eye on children is very much a side distraction from this. If you look at time use studies from the 1960s women who are at home with children routinely say they only spend an hour or so a day actually doing 'childcare', the rest was doing housework with children present and a vague eye kept out for them. We now expect caring for and 'stimulating' young children to be a full-time occupation. Our modern western way of parenting is pretty intense and hard-going as it is, expecting parents to prioritise and focus on children all day and then be with them all night too is a lot too much for many/most people.

Far be it from me to criticise how another mother chooses to parent their child, we are all just trying our best

But personally when my baby is old enough she will be transitioning into her own room where she'll have her own independence and she will be confident and secure in herself to know her parents are in the room next to her and she is in her own home safe. Equally it will be nice to have some time alone with my partner again so we can actually give our relationship the attention it deserves

For us it’s that sleeping with a flailing five year old all night is a sure way to ensure a terrible night sleep all round. So my DP isn’t able to perform 100% at work and this has a knock of effect with driving as well.

Because it’s like sleeping with the fucking washing machine.

I think the word "natural" is over rated in parenting. I can think of loads of human "innate" behaviours which children would naturally follow unless guided by adults. Pooing on the floor for example.

And why use dramatic language? Children aren't being "forced". Most parents will help their child transition to their own room using non forceful methods.

To add, have no issue with anyone who wants to sleep with their children in the bed as long as the children are there willingly and not providing emotional support for the parent 😬 I’m sure that they’ll readily move out of the bed before puberty.

I co slept with my bf baby until he was a year old myself mostly but also my husband (light sleeper) was waking up every two hours as the baby wanted feeds fine obviously in young babies but it didn't change. At a year old he didn't need to be fed every two hours. My husband moved to my other child's room when the baby was 6months he had to get up for work and was sleeping very bad. 6 months me and my husband didn't sleep in the same bed. We wasn't going to stress about it but I didn't want to be letting him sleep with me years on end. So we decided on a rough rough date to try, and transitioned my child in his own room. It was a tough week, but he did settle and for the first time slept through and stayed in his own bed every since except for morning cuddles. If he occasionally gets up in the night he gets sent back to bed unless he is unwell. Kids need you to show them how to fit into families. Yes if you want to co sleep for years that's lovely sure go for it, you do you. But not every family wants there child to do this and that's fine to. My child is a very happy affectionate boy and sending him to his room has not damaged him in the slightest. He knows what to except and is well loved.

Speak for yourself. Neither of my DDs have ever woken up in the middle of the night to come in to bed with us, and we have an open door all evening/never told them they couldn't. In fact, I've had DD2 (2yrs) in bed with me last night because she had a cold and was very sweaty so wanted to keep an eye on her so it's not like they're banned from our room.

I have just searched your name

Bloody hell you have started quite a few deep n’ meaningful threads including one asking about whether others feel an emptiness or void in their life.

May I suggest that you’re sleep deprived and that if you get a decent night sleep, you’ll fill that “void” nicely!

Some people do and some people don’t. Culture plays a role too. My kids slept in our bed or in their own bed in the same room until they were ready to be in their room. My daughter “moved out” around age 7 and my son(5) is still in our bed. He has his own bed in the same room, but he wants to sleep next to “daddy”. This arrangement means, as a couple our bed times are strictly for sleeping. No sex at all in our bed. We have scheduled weekend mid-night sex in the guest room - it kind of kills the mood (no spontaneity) but we won’t have it any other way. My husband and son are asleep as I type this, his legs are on his dad’s back 🤣

Our friends get their kids to sleep in their own rooms and they all seem to be happy too.

I actually regret doing this. I did it because the health visitor said it was best, because the books said you should, because of the perceived pressure. If I had another I wouldn't worry about lots of things like that, especially when you read about adults that don't sleep well when there partner is away.

@Bluntness100 pleased it's not just me who thought the answer was obvious.

I think a lot of what people Miss in this whole "child led" child rearing is that you're teaching them that YOUR feelings and wishes are secondary. That's such a bad lesson to teach children if you want them to respect you and other adults, and respect themselves when they become adults. I am by no means the best parent going but I always remind my kids who things we do as a family affect me as well and how my feelings, experiences and enjoyment matter too.

For example, when we last went on holiday we went round a museum I was bursting to see. They didn't want to go, it's boring apparently, and they sulked for a bit, but to me it's important to say "it's my holiday too, most of the things we do centre around your wishes, I'm entitled to have a day doing what I'd like". It's not child led but I can't stress the importance of humanising yourself to your kids.

I honestly don’t know how people sleep with a flailing four year old. Mine never stops moving and kicks me all night. He’s in his own bed 99% of the time or if he exhausted and black and blue.

Because that is what works for them.

When the baby was small I couldn't co sleep as I was terrified me or partner would squash her. When she was a toddler she would sleep like a star and there wouldn't be enough room for 3 of us.

Also neither of her parents wanted to go to bed at 7pm.

90% of the time my children were fine in own bed, so why disrupt parents sleep/evening every night rather than encourage/comfort/take them back to bed 10% of the time.

Also it is a life skill everyone learns eventually, in our house it had to be at a younger age.

I must stress I was not trying to criticise anyone's parenting choices, nor do I struggle to understand what we don't just do what children want. It was a more a case of I felt like we were going against nature and that's why many struggle with this.

I never had to put an unwilling child in their own bed. Coming in to our bed never even crossed their minds.

My youngest has slept in my bed with me only once when he was very ill. He was 13!

Do what works for you. I co-slept with both my children until they were nearly four, then they transferred happily to their own rooms. We are particularly fortunate that we have space for the children to have double beds so if they do want a cuddle and some reassurance then everyone can still sleep well. It works for us and I make no judgements of families who do things differently.

The independent argument is an interesting one, the biggest thing that breeds independence is security, not being alone.

That’s a nice mantra but it could be equally said that the biggest thing that breeds independent is encouraging your children to step outside their comfort zone.

My kids come into our bed if they are scared but I encourage them to sleep in their own beds because “being comfortable on your own” is an important skill to learn.

Still cosleeping at 4.

DS has his own room and bed, and will sometimes start the night in it, but not always.

Always ends up in with me. Any time between midnight and 5am.

I don’t mind at all- am a LP and as well as him feeling secure, it’s nice for me too. As soon as he’s ready to sleep alone, he’ll do it - just like he did with talking, using a fork, toilet training, walking, being ready to retire the buggy etc etc- all of which he did at a developmentally “standard” time.

I don’t see why sleeping alone is any different by way of development (although it’s rarely thought of as a developmental milestone IME- more a cultural/safety one, eg not letting them sleep alone before 6 months- which I think is strange)

Either way, works for us but I can understand why it doesn’t for others.

My 3yo sleep talks. I have to listen to him all day, I'm not listening to him all night as well.

It's just another stick to beat parents (particularly mothers) with though isn't it? Like working or not working, how you feed your baby, what activities you do with your kids. My DS is safe and secure, I'm a better parent for getting at least 5 hours sleep a night. Just do what suits you and your family.

Just had a baby op?
First child?

Yes and yes

Revisit this thread in a couple of years and you’ll squirm

In my case, because I needed my sleep too. Hard enough to sleep with snoring DH never mind with two children and a couple of cats.

I have always thought it odd that as mammals we have this desire to put a tiny baby into a room sometimes far away. I welcome my children into my bed if they wake in the night and bed shared with my eldest as a baby. My youngest always slept really well so was happy in her own space.

I would rather they feel secure and comforted than alone when they need it. I don't think it is about fostering independence. A 6 month old baby doesn't and shouldn't need to learn independence. It's against its natural and the mother's natural instincts. Sure, we are no longer cave people, but it doesn't mean we've diverged far from our physiological needs and instincts.

@SmileyClare

I think the word "natural" is over rated in parenting. I can think of loads of human "innate" behaviours which children would naturally follow unless guided by adults. Pooing on the floor for example.

And why use dramatic language? Children aren't being "forced". Most parents will help their child transition to their own room using non forceful methods.

I agree. Also if we're arguing from what is historically and cross-culturally more common then physical punishment is just as 'natural' as cosleeping, - I don't think that's a good argument either way for either of them