Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

Because part of our role as parents is to help them transition to independence from us?

I don’t 😂😭
Not sure it’s the best thing for family life as a whole but it works for me and my son…

Because parents need a break too.

Cave People probably didn't put babies in a separate cave for safety reasons, so it's probably human nature for a baby to want to be with its mum and dad over night

Because having children isn't about letting them have everything their way. It's about doing what's best for them. Sometimes what's best for them isn't what they want. Being able to sleep independently is a good skill. If it isn't introduced they will struggle with bedtime come older years when they don't want to sleep with mum anymore, and sleep deprivation is extremely detrimental to children, especially in older and teenage years when they're at school the next day.

Also, parents are human too and should have the right to a child-free bed. It's important to teach kids that their parents feelings matter as well.

Because in order for adults to function they need to sleep, often beds are not big enough for a child to get in as well. If you have work in the morning you need to have a decent nights sleep. Kids need providing for and ultimately, the days where the majority of mothers could afford to stay at home are gone.

That and having sex with your partner.

It's only fairly recently, from an evolutionary standpoint, that "most" people have multi room homes.

It's been ages since I read Bill Brysons Home but he talks about it in there.

You're right, children want the security of their parents and its quite unnatural to turf them out at such a young age (which now makes me feel bad as I always return my twins to their own room if they ime theough overnight)!

Well obviously because they keep the parents awake in lots of cases. I actually don’t make DS sleep in his room if he doesn’t want to and I’m pretty relaxed about him getting in my bed. I get an absolutely shit nights sleep when he does it though! I sort of love the closeness but he’s so wriggly and restless and he won’t shut up.

So anyway in a way I agree with you and I’ve always let DS sleep with me if he likes but you’re either being faux naive or you’re genuinely hard of thinking to say it’s really mysterious why people don’t want to bed share with their children.

*come through

I would wake up every time my daughter twitched when she was in our room. Lack of sleep destroys your mental health.

I never did. It’s not mandatory.

We coslept until they both chose to go to their own rooms at around 10 and 9.

That was right for us. Other people will make different choices.

So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

We don't. Some people do. Some people don't.

There is no universal 'we' in this situation.

I never forced mine to do anything, I was very much baby/child led. The independent argument is an interesting one, the biggest thing that breeds independence is security, not being alone.

Everything frangi wrote. There’s lots of things my toddler doesn’t want to do, from wearing pants to visiting the dentist. Still need to do them.

I echo the above, many parents work long hours and need their rest .
Children are no longer at risk of being eaten by bears if not in bed with their parents.
I'm a single mum and I'll let ds watch a movie in bed with me on a Friday night as a treat . I have plenty of room and if he's fidgety it doesn't matter I don't have work in the morning. He's 7,and he knows it's a treat only

A few reasons I can think of (and I'm surprised you can't think of these for yourself)

Parents and / or child may disturb each other's sleep

Parents may want to have sex or chat in bed together

Parents want to ensure child is able to sleep in their own room to make future sleep overs or childcare by others easier

And I'm sure there are other reasons.

My son often chooses to migrate to our bed at night. We’re currently bribing him to get him to spend full nights in his own bed. I have a very bad back so I’m fidgety and restless at night. Every time I turn over I disturb him. We can see a real difference in his level of tiredness when he’s been in with us compared to when he sleeps the whole night in his own bed.

Plus, he’s a snuggler and I need space when I’m sleeping!

I think a level of flexibility is probably present for this aspect of parenting as it is for most people with most issues.

My children sleep in their own beds. They've both tried getting in with us but they are too wiggly to stay! We don't get any sleep which is no good for us when we are both working.

I used to love a morning nap cuddling the baby on maternity leave though!

I'm interested to find out more about this. My daughter who is 6 now has had a lot of sleep issues. She used to like to watch 'where in the world' in cbeebies and there's a girl whose family sleep in the living room on cushions from the sofa. I really think that would suit my Dd! Although when a baby she would never co-sleep and used to kick off big time! I cannot sleep well with other people, if I could have a separate bed to dh without it totally killing our relationship then I really would!

The independent argument is an interesting one, the biggest thing that breeds independence is security, not being alone.

But the two aren't mutually exclusive. You can give a child security whilst also making them sleep in their own bed. The security being "I'm just down the hall if you need me".

And as a teacher I can assure you that not making children do things or be alone very much stifles their independence. I teach 17yo's who can't even make sandwiches because their parents have done everything for them.

Because parents need sleep too. I never slept when DD was in our room and the sleep deprivation nearly destroyed me.

We all make the choices that are right for us. A lot of the self-righteous nonsense around baby and child sleep is just the ‘Noble Savage’ trope in a different form.

I let my two youngest (2 and 5) sleep in with us when they wake in the night, but it is fucking annoying, so I can quite see why other people don’t!

We don't. I agree with you it's very unnatural from an evolutionary standpoint and most countries in the world children still sleep with their parents. It's a very western thing to have kids in their own room from a early age.

I don't. Neither of my girls slept in their own cot or bed at all. DD1 is now 13 and decided to move into her own room with zero issues when she was 10. DD2 is 9 and still in with me, she'll go to her own room when she's ready, it's never been a problem.

Isn’t thr answer to this obvious? Children need to learn independence, all parties need a good nights sleep.

Given a choice kids would do many things not in their interests, from licking the walls, eating their crayons, or climbing shit. We don’t let them do it becayse that’s their natural instinct and what they want.

I’m sure there are plenty of things that you do as a parent that people judge too OP.
Just accept that people do things in different ways, you may love to bedshare, others don’t want that. PPs have listed many of the (fairly obvious) reasons why not.
Don’t also assume that all children want to be in their parents room. My DD has slept much better since moving into her own room and certainly doesn’t seem upset about being in there. I’ve tried to cosleep with her a few times recently and she doesn’t want it at all.