Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

If we lived in a barn for the animals, with a hayloft over, where we all slept, and husband was out gathering while I made flour by hand under a rock and weaved our own thread during the day while the NUMEROUS offspring were in charge of looking after chickens, eggs, dogs, planting hoeing, fetching water, learning all the skills necessary not to die over the winter including food preservation, then yes, we’d all sleep together. Instead, we’ve chosen to artificially limit the number of children we have and pretty much on that list is outsourced. As a result, I’m going live much longer than 38.

In reality, rooms are small now, we don’t sleep on the floor on a mound of bedding with room for everyone, ‘bedtime’ and ‘sleeping at night’ have both become centred in the society in which we live, none of which really suits that style of sleep.

Our children are being habituated into our society from the second they are born, with very little of it ‘natural’ any more. Sleep is no different. We spend our lives teaching them to live in the world they find themselves. As a species, the reason we thrive and are all over this planet is that we adapt extremely well (in most cases) to the surroundings we in which we find ourselves (or build for ourselves).

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop I completely agree with you. I realised that I was going down the route of being a bit of a walkover at home, (replicating my mum who absolutely bent over backwards but resents it so much in hindsight to this day.) so I’ve started talked about what I want and need with my kids (obviously not toddlers so they do understand) and it’s really effective. That way every gets a chance to say what they’d like to do on holiday, the weekend etc..

The child led sleeping thing - mine never wanted to come into our bed at night. If they woke me up for something they wanted me to come their room and sit on the floor next to their bed- I suppose that’s where they felt secure. Now occasionally one of them comes for a sleepover in my bed when DH is on nights, which is nice, but DD1 rolls around the bed like she’s possessed and talks in her sleep, so thank god they didn’t come in when they were little!

it felt like going against nature

The going against nature argument is pretty flimsy and vague.. I don't think you can approach parenting by allowing a child to only do what they want ..
sometimes toddlers don't even know what they want, mine used to change preferences daily, one went through a phase for a week of saying No to everything and anything

In order to be the best parent I can be, I need a decent sleep. I don't sleep well when DS is in my room. He has a warm, safe, comfortable bedroom with an adjoining wall. I want him to have enough independence and security to spend the night in his bedroom, knowing that if he needs anything, I will come help him. He doesn't need my physical presence all night.

DS slept in his own room from around 6 months and never had a problem with it - we both sleep better, and it gives me my own time and space.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Bluntness100 pleased it's not just me who thought the answer was obvious.

I think a lot of what people Miss in this whole "child led" child rearing is that you're teaching them that YOUR feelings and wishes are secondary. That's such a bad lesson to teach children if you want them to respect you and other adults, and respect themselves when they become adults. I am by no means the best parent going but I always remind my kids who things we do as a family affect me as well and how my feelings, experiences and enjoyment matter too.

For example, when we last went on holiday we went round a museum I was bursting to see. They didn't want to go, it's boring apparently, and they sulked for a bit, but to me it's important to say "it's my holiday too, most of the things we do centre around your wishes, I'm entitled to have a day doing what I'd like". It's not child led but I can't stress the importance of humanising yourself to your kids.[/quote]
I completely agree. It taken me awhile to get this balance to as my parents were the opposite and I really found holidays with them boring at times as they hardly did anything kid related..they seemed to enjoy older kids than younger. So I make sure the kids do plenty of fun kids things they like o. Holiday but they do have to behave for our things, at least doing something we want in holiday per day even for an hour. I think as long as you don't give into the moans and try get them involved it teaches them it's not all about them.

Parents usually cope with life far better when they have had a decent night's sleep which is difficult if you having a sleeping star fish with you! What kind of bed can comfortably sleep a family of four?!

Children need to learn to be independent, to sleep by themselves, to have their own private time away from the family. Their thoughts, reflections. An option should always be there to sleep with parents if they are scared/ill etc but otherwise teaching children to be independent emotionally and physically is really important. My children tend to sleep together which solves the problem!

@SarahBellam

Because it’s like sleeping with the fucking washing machine.

Pahahahaha! This is very true. 😂

We don't make our son sleep in his own room. He did before the pandemic (mostly), but then things got unsettled and we all started sleeping together. One year on he's still in our bed or on the sofa with one of us. We mix it up all the time. Haha. Everyone gets their sleep and everyone feels safe and secure. I always found that when he was in his room he would wake me up because he was scared, and I would have to get up and talk to him, and afterwards I couldn't sleep because I would be too awake then. Whereas now if he wakes up I just give him a quick smooth and he's asleep again. Win.

I completely understand that it's not for everyone but us all being together maximises sleep and minimises misery for us.

I don’t! We bed share until they’re ready to move.

I’ve never understood why it’s perfectly fine for an adult to seek the comfort of someone they love in bed but not a child.

I don’t connect teaching life skills like making a sandwich to co-sleeping. My DD is at nursery 4 days a week and I feel like the security of being close at night offsets some of that separation. She’s confident and capable, out of nappies when she turned two and likes to do everything herself. Age 3 she can already make a decent sandwich!
I was a fiercely independent child, teen and young adult but my parent’s bed was always a place of comfort that we had an open invitation to be if we needed them. When I was a teen and my grandad was dying, I stayed with my grandma and slept in her bed for weeks. I guess it’s just a normal thing in our family.

Because a small child needs the same amount of space as a small cat: approximately half a double bed. This means that the two almost 6ft adults don't have much space. Throw in the mix a cold who tugs at your hair in their sleep and it makes a 6am wake up pretty difficult.

Dd was a complete fucking nightmare for 6 years. I hated every single night and am still grateful for every child free night I have had since she stopped coming into our bed. We tried everything to keep her in her own bed, but we had to give in so we could get some sleep. I felt like a new person when she finally stayed in her own bed.

@merrynelly

I must stress I was not trying to criticise anyone's parenting choices, nor do I struggle to understand what we don't just do what children want. It was a more a case of I felt like we were going against nature and that's why many struggle with this.

The whole of modern life is pretty much about “going against nature”.

I also consider time to explore their own bodies in privacy is a developmental milestone that happens much much earlier than most of us think.

For all of the defensive rebuttals being aimed the OP threads like this mostly show how common extended bed-sharing is despite being very rarely talked about in RL.

Do what works for you but separate rooms from 6 months (or earlier) is very much seen as the cultural norm in the UK and it’s usually arrangements outside of this which are negatively judged in real life.

Because a toddler lying horizontally between the parents, kicking one and head butting the other, is good for no one's sleep (except perhaps toddler) and therefore not good for family life.

Even if they're a tidier sleeper, there comes a point when you need to take steps to lake sure everyone in the household gets a decent night's sleep.

My best friend spent five years sleeping on the floor of his DD's room due to bed sharing. When they tried to move her 8/9 years old having spent all her life in her parents bed, she did not want to go. It had a massive impact on their marriage - no privacy or time for intimacy and they tried unsuccessfully to move her, and he ended up sleeping on the floor until she is 13 years old. I think people think it will be easy once they are older to transition, it really isn't in our experience.

I have to disagree that bed sharing automatically equals an overly dependant child with zero life/sleep skills.

From my experience of letting youngest sleep in our bed he naturally progressed to sleeping independently and blossomed in confidence, which I firmly do believe came from having complete trust in us as parents. Confidence comes from feeling safe and secure.

I can understand the reasons why parents wants/need children to sleep in their own beds, every child/family is different.

But I have to completely dispute the argument that bed sharing makes children less confident/independent.

Because already, at 5 months, DD wakes us up (particularly me, DH is a much deeper sleeper!) and we wake her up. I'm a stickler for the safe sleep guidelines, so she's in our room (in her cot) still, but I am really looking forward to 6 months!

She'll be in the room next door and if she cries I'll be there. I somehow doubt she'll feel abandoned.

Parents need to have time together to be intimate or just to be a couple.

Many people split up after kids because they forget that.

I like my sleep and don't want to be disturbed by a bed full of kids. I get a good nights sleep and so do my kids in their own beds in their own rooms.

I felt the same, OP. I felt a lot of pressure to get dd to sleep alone, but she clearly didn't want to and she slept much more soundly when she was in with us. I suddenly realised that I didn't need to fight that battle, I could just let her sleep where she wanted to. I'm so glad that I did. It's nonsense that it stops them from being independent or whatever. That simply isn't true.

I hated sleeping alone as a child, and used to lie in bed at night crying. My parents had no idea how much I struggled with the loneliness and boredom. I'm glad that I followed my instincts with dd.

I think people should do whatever suits them and their families. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

as a teen and young adult my parents bed was a place of comfort, where we always had an open invitation to be in

I'm stuck on this part of your post. How did that work? Did your parents have any privacy or sex life. It seems rather self indulgent to crawl into your mum and dads bed as an adult and not consider their needs or right to privacy.

@SherryPalmer

The independent argument is an interesting one, the biggest thing that breeds independence is security, not being alone.

That’s a nice mantra but it could be equally said that the biggest thing that breeds independent is encouraging your children to step outside their comfort zone.

My kids come into our bed if they are scared but I encourage them to sleep in their own beds because “being comfortable on your own” is an important skill to learn.

I don't fully disagree. It's more about when the child is ready though, I think? Rather than forcing things. Because forced independence really isn't true independence, it's just forced alone time.

2 of my DC are adults now. One at uni, works part time (full time in holidays), bought and runs her own car - she is 20. She slept in my bed until she was 4. The other is living between home and his girlfriends, he is going to (local) uni in September - he has no interest in moving away for uni, he is autistic and happy to continue current living arrangements. He pays for his own food between houses, funded by his job - he slept in my bed until he was 8.

You could have forced them to sleep in their own beds from little, but I don't think it would have necessarily had a beneficial impact on them as adults.

It's hard to tell really. We are all do very different.

I don't see the issue. If you want to co-sleep that's fine. If you don't, no problem.

The only issue is supporting a mum who is struggling to move them across. Mn is sympathetic and supportive, offering practical solutions to try. Just like any other parenting struggle.