Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

It depends on the child. My eldest never wanted to sleep with me. 2nd was happy to sleep in her own bed once she got a toddler bed, and 3rd is 4.5yrs and still sleeps in our bed most nights.

But as a society we value independence, therefore its expected a child will be independent early. I don't think there's a right or wrong way of doing it. It's what works best for the family.

Oh forgot to add. I booted him out when I caught him on OLD.

He was lonely

Being able to sleep independently is a good skill. If it isn't introduced they will struggle with bedtime come older years when they don't want to sleep with mum anymore, and sleep deprivation is extremely detrimental to children, especially in older and teenage years when they're at school the next day.

Yes, if you let your 1 year old sleep in your bed you’re going to have real issue when they’re 14 and still coming to you in the night 🙄

I understand that some people don’t want their kids in their room and will work hard to get them into their own room as young as possible. That’s their decision, but dressing it up as being for the child’s benefit is rather disingenuous. Of course it isn’t to a young child’s benefit to sleep away from their parents if that’s how they sleep best and are most comfortable.

My twins have never been able to come into our room in the night and won’t lie down in our bed and rest anyway, but if they did I would absolutely let them.

We literally never have battles about anything

Come back when he’s 12.

I very much doubt they will go all the way through secondary school without having 'battles' with other people, hopefully they will be equipped to deal with it.

What type of battles would you expect?

I went to some questionable schools in what was then a roughish part of London, don't remember any personal battles except for the odd teacher one about homework!

I never did and never told anybody because it was frowned upon. My boys are all now in their own rooms and healthy independent teenagers. But when they were little, they could come in my bed whenever they wanted.

I must stress I was not trying to criticise anyone's parenting choices, nor do I struggle to understand what we don't just do what children want. It was a more a case of I felt like we were going against nature and that's why many struggle with this.

It's strange that literally the only aspects of modern life that anyone cares about "going against nature" are those to do with childbirth and baby care.

Do you worry about "going against nature" every time you get in a car, turn on the central heating, look at your smartphone, eat food out of season, sit on a toilet, or do virtually anything else?

We are a long way from living in a cave, and life isn't about survival in difficult conditions. Children growing up in traditional societies are fairly likely to die before the age of 5, and if they manage to survive, they are subject to very harsh discipline which is necessary to survive under those conditions. It's a far cry from today's child raising norms.

Nothing wrong with sleeping in the same bed as your child, but nothing wrong with not doing either, people just do what suits them and their family the same as any other aspect of modern life.

I think it's still possible to maintain intimacy in a relationship and share a bed with a child. Our child goes to bed quite early so the evenings are for us adults and we can enjoy them together. I find that because of cosleeping I no longer have to go to bed at 9pm because I'm knackered, so I can stay up later to watch a film/cuddle/whatever with my husband. It's been really nice.

I think most of my friends' kids do sleep in their own rooms though, and I feel that this is the norm. I was a bad sleeper as a child and when my son was born my mum told me many times to put him in his own room asap because otherwise I would never sleep. I was utterly desperate and exhausted when he would not settle in his room, and when I realised that by co-sleeping everyone seemed happy I have never looked back. But obviously all kids and parents are different. We also only have one child so I don't know what it would look like with more than one.

Again perhaps you are being a shit wife and not taking account of everyone's feelings and prioritising children ?

I'm not a wife, and I don't ever want to have to feel like I have to play the role of good wifey to appease my partner. If he thinks I'm a shit partner for prioritising my children, I honestly couldn't care less. I would lose all respect for him, and probably end the relationship first.

@wotchhha

I very much doubt they will go all the way through secondary school without having 'battles' with other people, hopefully they will be equipped to deal with it.

What type of battles would you expect?

I went to some questionable schools in what was then a roughish part of London, don't remember any personal battles except for the odd teacher one about homework!

I said 'battles' in inverted commas as this was the term the poster I was responding to used saying they never had any battles at home .I'm sure PP didn't mean 'battles' on a Waterloo scale. . I meant 'conflict' - surely every child has a disagreement with someone at some time, I find it hard to believe it never happens at home but even if that is the case, I don't believe you can go through school without it.

We're weird, that's why. Culturally speaking, we're in the minority in expecting kids to sleep alone.

But as a society we value independence, therefore its expected a child will be independent early.

I don't think this is really true...we value independence in adults, but not in children in general. Few children have any independence nowadays. It's considered normal to keep them under constant supervision until at least the age of 10. And they aren't generally expected to contribute towards the running of the household, long past the age where they would have been expected to in other times or cultures. Sleeping in a separate room is more to do with getting a decent night's sleep for everyone IMO.

@tonimitchell

True story though.

I had two shocking sleepers and spent seven years in a hideous fog. Ex never helped as ‘he worked’

Then he came to me and said he was depressed as I didn’t shag him enough. I’d damaged his self esteem apparently ..

You have literally backed up what I am saying in your attempt to disagree with me

Your ex didn't do that because you co slept. He did it because he is a lazy, lying, cheating cunt.

We're weird, that's why. Culturally speaking, we're in the minority in expecting kids to sleep alone.

We're also in the minority having flushing toilets and hit running water in our homes. And in many other ways including free healthcare, a welfare state etc etc. It does not make us inferior.

@Puntastic

We're weird, that's why. Culturally speaking, we're in the minority in expecting kids to sleep alone.

Well i guess plenty of cultures have all extended family members sleeping in the same room too.

I wonder too, we coslept until they wanted to sleep in their own beds. Dd2 slept with me until 7, she's a very independent strong willed young woman in a role only opened to women 20 years ago. Let kids be kids!

I guess it's what you define as conflict. I genuinely don't remember experiencing a lot of "conflict" at school. Perhaps it's quite environmental dependent hence my interest in the point.

@Egghead81

Just had a baby op? First child?

Yes and yes

Revisit this thread in a couple of years and you’ll squirm

Putting aside how patronising this is, I would point to the number of experienced parents who have rushed on to this thread to defend their own practices (and express very specific opinions about total strangers’ marriages) to suggest that a few more years of parenting doesn’t make that much difference to these conversations.

Then he came to me and said he was depressed as I didn’t shag him enough. I’d damaged his self esteem apparently ..

What would have been enough though?

For babies I agree op, and co-sleeping with ours was a huge help while they were still breastfeeding and waking frequently. But I wasn't going to share our bed with a wriggling toddler and so when they stopped the night waking due to hunger they went into their own room. Transitioned fine, no problem. Ds used to have nightmares and on those occasions of course we let him sleep with us when he came into our room. He was frightened. But he usually slept just fine. Dd is 4 and sleeps so soundly she literally stays in the same position from bedtime till morning! I can count on one hand the number of times she's come into our room and she always ends up wanting to go back in her own bed as she can't settle with us (likewise!) It really does depend on the child and the way in which parents have handled helping them develop good sleeping habits. Allowing toddlers to sleep in the same bed long after they've reached an age where they're able to settle themselves well and stay asleep is why people end up with problems as habit has become so entrenched it's difficult to break. They've helped create poor sleep habits. Our job as parents is to encourage growing independence and confidence while ensuring they know we'll always respond/ be there when needed.

I sometimes hear about 3 or 4 year olds still bed sharing with parents and it really can't be good for the parents' relationship. I know the bed isn't the only place to have sex, but it is a place of intimacy - and privacy. Usually in these scenarios one of the parents (usually the man) actually isn't at all happy with the situation and it leads to problems.

Ds1 went to his own from day one no problem. With sick days being the exception.

Ds2 used to first fall asleep in his own bed and then make his way to our bed. Until dh had enough and asked me to sleep in the living room (there is a sofa bed there) for a week. I didn't even need the week. The first night ds2 was surprised not to see me there and dh took him back to his bed. The second night ds2 did come searching for me but dh took him back to his bed. Since then he hasn't woken up in the night.

Ds3 is very young and dh is asking to teach him his bed. I'm not ready for that, yet.

I have always put dc in their bed early in the evening, so me and dh could get quality time together or for me to watch TV alone.

I don't, and I think it's more common than you think that parents still sleep with older children, it's just not discussed.

I believe if you give a child the security they need they will mature and become independent.
My son 9 loves sleeping on his own and may come in for cuddles but generally loves his bed and space. My daughter 7 is really anxious about being on her own any where in the house so she sleeps with us as she worries so much.

Because parents need a break.

I had one DC DH had to lie with every night until the end of primary school to get him to sleep. If he's been in our bed it would have had to be huge or I would have had to sleep in a single bed.

I like to go to bed with my DH, with nobody else in the bed already. If a child needs to join us in the middle of the night, so be it. It's what worked for us. If you're happy to all sleep in one HUGE bed do what works for you.

I have tried having a child sleep in the same room and not the same bed, and that didn't go down at all well with the child; they'd much rather sleep in top of me, occasionally poking me in the eye for a laugh.

I am completely with you OP. I also don't want to criticise parenting choices but I think there is societal pressure to make children independent earlier than is natural and it actually causes more grief for the parents than is always necessary.
The 'norm' in the UK seems to be to move them out of your room at 6 months. I had my son in with me till he was 3 and I had so many comments about it, but it made sense for us. He transitioned to his own room painlessly when he was excited about having a big boy room. But even now if he is having bad dreams or when he went through a stressed phase when school started, my husband slept in his room with him for a short while.
Babies and small children are hard wired to want to be close to us for their own protection.
It is actually very different in some cultures where families often have a 'family bed' on the floor for example and would be shocked to hear that we have babies sleeping alone.
Obviously that won't work for everyone and sometimes people just need their sleep and space, I totally get that, but there shouldn't be 'pressure' to move them out.

@SnackSizeRaisin

We're weird, that's why. Culturally speaking, we're in the minority in expecting kids to sleep alone.

We're also in the minority having flushing toilets and hit running water in our homes. And in many other ways including free healthcare, a welfare state etc etc. It does not make us inferior.

This has made me smile. One of my oldest friends now lives in Japan and has struggled with a number of the cultural norms around parenting, not least the practice of extended bed-sharing well into childhood. It was as much of a revelation to her that she could put her children in their own rooms despite the disapproval of her Japanese MIL (although she had trouble finding cots and had to get them imported) as it was to me that I didn’t have to put my babies in their own rooms at six months if I didn’t want to, despite the disapproval of my Scottish MIL.

As I’m sure you’re aware, the sophistication of Japanese loos makes ours look like a long-drop.