Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

She's been happy in her own from since about 7 months old, which I'm hugely thankful for as I enjoy having some space to myself at nighttime, I can't think of much worse than co-sleeping.

@SkiingIsHeaven

Parents need to have time together to be intimate or just to be a couple.

Many people split up after kids because they forget that.

I agree 100% with this . You need to have adult time without children hanging around you . You need to sustain your relationship as husband and wife. I'm sure this is the cause of many men going elsewhere .

By the way I’ve got a solution for those who don’t want their child coming in their bed in the middle of the night.... ok so it’s a bit of an expensive option, but... we moved and new house is 3 storey, children upstairs from us. 9 year old has gone from coming in our bed 3 times a week to only twice in 6 months. Turns out his ‘need’ for us is outweighed by his laziness faced with going down a flight of stairs. Woo hoo! Everyone is better rested.

You need to have adult time without children hanging around you . You need to sustain your relationship as husband and wife. I'm sure this is the cause of many men going elsewhere .

Aww bless the poor men

@Egghead81

Just had a baby op? First child?

Yes and yes

Revisit this thread in a couple of years and you’ll squirm

I don’t think she will.

The OP does have the ring of a FTM, but one who has just realised that what seems the norm for babies and children in the uk might not work for her. Lots of first time parents have a lightbulb moment after struggling to make something work that they think they are supposed to do. Hopefully the number of people who have explained their arrangements on this thread will give OP confidence to do what works for her and her family.

merrynelly

I must stress I was not trying to criticise anyone's parenting choices, nor do I struggle to understand what we don't just do what children want. It was a more a case of I felt like we were going against nature and that's why many struggle with this.“

Nature is very practical: most animals are chased away to fend for themselves by their parents at a very young age. People just put their children in a room next door, usually with a listener. Human young generally have it pretty easy.

@merrynelly back in March you said your child was not quite 12 months old and you were "permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him"

So maybe some of us are coming at this years down the line from where you are. You are planning to return to work full time as you said in your other thread, so maybe a year from now when you have still not had a full nights sleep and you are ridiculously exhausted you would think maybe they need to sleep in their own room in their own bed.

My sons are now 18 and 15 so we are very far down the line from you. My children have slept in their own rooms from under 1. If they needed me in the night and they were in their cot of course Dh or I would get up and be with them.

If when older they needed to be next to a parent to sleep that night Dh and I let them into our superking bed and Dh would often leave our bed to sleep in the now empty one. Firstly because he was working full time and I am a long term SAHM and secondly because my sons just wanted me. However having a starfish child (DS1) or a limpet child (Ds2) attached to you whilst they slept at 7 or 8 was not great for my sleep. My bed is technically 2 single beds. You would think that would mean I actually got sleep. Nope.

Disturbed sleep over a long period of time is soul destroying.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Bluntness100 pleased it's not just me who thought the answer was obvious.

I think a lot of what people Miss in this whole "child led" child rearing is that you're teaching them that YOUR feelings and wishes are secondary. That's such a bad lesson to teach children if you want them to respect you and other adults, and respect themselves when they become adults. I am by no means the best parent going but I always remind my kids who things we do as a family affect me as well and how my feelings, experiences and enjoyment matter too.

For example, when we last went on holiday we went round a museum I was bursting to see. They didn't want to go, it's boring apparently, and they sulked for a bit, but to me it's important to say "it's my holiday too, most of the things we do centre around your wishes, I'm entitled to have a day doing what I'd like". It's not child led but I can't stress the importance of humanising yourself to your kids.[/quote]
You're not teaching the child that your needs are secondary if you are happy to share a room/bed with your child though.

I see this as each to their own, and do what you think is right for your own rather than what you 'should' do.

I completely agree with humanising yourself to you child though.

When ours were small we allowed them to sleep with us and they gradually transitioned to their own beds. If they are ill they still come in (they are 10 & 13) and if DH is away one or the other will always take his space. I don’t mind, although the older one kicks like a donkey, so I don’t sleep terribly well!

Our daughter never wanted to sleep in our bed. Not all children are like this. Surely it’s better to teach your child to be able to fall asleep itself and to self sooth than have them in your bed every night.

Because she’s hot and she wriggles and occasionally elbows me in the nose. I have to get up in the morning and go to work which is not fun when a hot sweaty child had lain all over you all night!

@Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel

Our daughter never wanted to sleep in our bed. Not all children are like this. Surely it’s better to teach your child to be able to fall asleep itself and to self sooth than have them in your bed every night.

It's better to do what suits your family the most. Not what someone else thinks is 'better'

I'm a bedsharer and have been with all of my three from birth. I'm also an experienced primary teacher with a psychology/SEN specialism so that has definitely helped to support this decision.

I've always wondered this too. The 2 adults in the house sleep together , and the children are put in a different room. I think it's slightly different if the children are sharing with a sibling, but why alone? Ididn't even ikea sleeping in a room alone.

Our 3 kids co-slept with us (not all at once, though we did have a super king size mattress on the floor + additional small mattress nearby).

They were all extremely confident with sleepovers from an early age, and have travelled and lived independently from an early age. I am not saying it is cause and effect, but they were very confident about night time and sleeping, and they moved out aged 2, 3, and about 8, fairly painlessly.

Lots off things about modern life are 'unnatural' but I felt a few instincts with my tiny babies which seemed quite intuitive and strong. I was actually pretty surprised by this, as I tend to overthink, overanalyse, etc.

I wish these instincts had stayed with me and told me how to be a better adult myself once my kids were grown up!

I’ve never understood why it’s perfectly fine for an adult to seek the comfort of someone they love in bed but not a child.

Well to be fair my husband doesn't like to sleep on top of a heap of duvet curled up like a dog, or with his foot in my face, his finger up my nose, if he snores I can prod him and stop him without worrying I'll wake him too much and have to spend hours resettling him, he doesn't grind his teeth in my ear etc
My children can and do seek comfort at night but the aim is to keep them in their own beds so we can all sleep not just them sleep.

There are a surprising number of people that are not registering the impact of bed sharing on their marriage, intimacy and happiness of the couple. I don't think it is healthy to side line everyone's needs for bed sharing once a child is older. It is not healthy to grow up as a child thinking your needs come before everyone else's.
No wonder so many marriages fail if they are not prioritised in any way whatsoever.
Surely a well rested, stable family unit that stays together, is by far the biggest driver of security for a child.

Against bloody nature, oh stop it. Look you do what works for you and your family, my kid has always slept 12 hours in her own bed and room from 9 months, perfectly natural thanks. You really don't need to justify your choices through some honky half baked evolutionary cave man psychology, your family your choice but one way is not more "natural" than another

@flashylamp

You need to have adult time without children hanging around you . You need to sustain your relationship as husband and wife. I'm sure this is the cause of many men going elsewhere .

Aww bless the poor men

The reality is that it is usually women who become over obsessed with their children as opposed to the men .

These threads make me chuckle. They're not weird on their own but put them along side the seperate bedrooms in a marriage and the wanting to go to bed at the same time ones they are weird.

Adults can't possibly go to sleep and spend the night alone but young kids are expected to?

I agree 100% with this . You need to have adult time without children hanging around you . You need to sustain your relationship as husband and wife. I'm sure this is the cause of many men going elsewhere .

Well then that's on the men for being shit parnters and fathers. Like fuck am I choosing my partners want to dip his di k over the comfort and feelings of my children. If he wants to go and plough it elsewhere because of that, let him crack on.

I loved co-sleeping. We had not planned to, thought the cot was in our bedroom anyway and I wish I had done this with my first from the beginning.

I think it’s particularly mean when parents are in the same bed/ room - so they are not alone.

My children sleep alone now and are lovely, non clinging individuals.
As parents we are there to provide safety and that also means emotional safety and feeling of being looked after- which part of the co sleeping involves.
When kids become older, there are plenty of changes taking place emotionally and allowing them to sleep with you provides comfort and reassurance to work through emotional challenges.
Plus- hopefully you love your children!

My DS (3) starts the night in his own bed but always finishes it in ours. I don't mind we have a very big bed and he just settles down between us and goes straight to sleep no wiggling. We don't always know he's come in until we wake up and he's there! It might be different if he was a fidget. It doesn't impact on mine and DH 'adult's time either as by the time he comes in we are both asleep.

@SherryPalmer

Because part of our role as parents is to help them transition to independence from us?

This.

Part of being a parent is making your children do things that they don't want to because it is ultimately in their best interests. The list is endless - eat some veg, go to bed at a sensible time, not play in the road. Teaching your children to go to sleep on their own is one of those things.

And to have a break from your children of course.

The reality is that it is usually women who become over obsessed with their children as opposed to the men .

I'm not even going to acknowledge the 'over obsessed' shit, because I commented about the men.

If men decide to go elsewhere it's because they are shitty partners and that is on them.