Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

@BigWoollyJumpers

A parent who places a newborn in its own room in 2021 despite clear evidence-based guidance is making a very different choice to a parent who did exactly the same thing in 1991

I put my babies in their room on their own in 1997 and 2003. If I had babies now I would do the same. All these "rules" are still only guidance, and everyone is entitled to make their own decisions, based on their own research, and commensurate with their own assessment of risk and living conditions. Let's be clear, the "guidance" on co-sleeping is still not to do it, but as evidenced here, many do.

In short, everyone has to be able to do what they want, without judgement, and live their lives in ways which make them happy.

You haven’t said anything here that refutes my point that you quote, and it’s interesting that while you put ‘guidance’ in sneery inverted commas you make no reference to evidence. I maintain that in the face of changing evidence that decision in 2021 is different to that decision in 1997. My heart sinks a bit when I hear of people ‘doing their own research’ because it’s generally cited as justification for ignoring good-quality, evidence-based data from respected sources such as the Lullaby Trust.

I’ve said already on the thread that I make no judgments of parents doing what works for them. Nevertheless arguing that a decision made in 1997 should be viewed exactly the same today is rather like my own parents claiming that they didn’t have to worry about rationing screen-time whilst ignoring the fact that the world has moved on somewhat from the days of one television in the house with four channels.

I don’t follow the lullaby trust to the letter because to be honest I doubt ds would sleep at all if I did but that is awfully young for them to sleep alone

Incidentally the guidance on co-sleeping changed a few months ago in recognition of the fact that exhausted parents whose babies wouldn’t sleep in cots were more likely to co-sleep dangerously by falling asleep with their child on a sofa or armchair. Guidance is therefore provided for safe, planned co-sleeping if that is the parents’ preference.

@BigWoollyJumpers Because we all sleep better that way. Happy parents, happy babies. neither party is happy if there is a cot death. Your attitude is really immature and selfish.

For me it's an absolute bare necessity. I NEED uninterrupted sleep or I'm an awful person/mother. Everyone benefits if I'm well rested. I knew this before I had children so I made it a priority from the very beginning and stuck with it. Obviously if they're upset in the night I go to them and my eldest sometimes comes in after a bad dream but she's 5 and goes straight to sleep so I barely notice. However I don't let them make a habit out of it and it's paid off in spades.

I devote every day of their lives to meeting their needs and ensuring they're secure. I can't and won't devote every night to it too!

Realistically though the only way you’ll get uninterrupted sleep with children is with a night nanny.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@BigWoollyJumpers* Because we all sleep better that way. Happy parents, happy babies.* neither party is happy if there is a cot death. Your attitude is really immature and selfish.[/quote]
I thought we had decided not to judge others life choices?

I am neither immature, nor selfish. I assess the risk of SIDS to be very low at 0.03%. My assessment, my decision.

Never co-slept with DD (illness and bad dreams were different).

We all slept better in our own beds tbh.
Then there’s the much used comment ‘half the world co-sleeps’, usually however referring to under developed countries as opposed to Liam and Kirsty from Maidstone who live in a perfectly nice 3 bed semi in Maidstone with rooms/beds for their kids.
Then you get the wailing about 7 year olds refusing to sleep in their own beds because they’ve only ever co slept, rod and back springs to mind.

Crikey. The only reason I have any thoughts at all about infant sleep is because my children are in that phase. The idea of giving it any headspace at all once my children are in their twenties is unbelievably depressing.

‘Half the world co-sleeps’... many people around the world who co-sleep also don’t actually have the space to do otherwise - it’s not a choice, it’s simply necessity. They might sleep 3 or 4 generations in one room, but I don’t see anyone jumping at the chance to invite their in-laws into their bedroom

@EverdeRose

It's done for convenience of the adults. So they don't have to be uncomfortable, bedshare, one move out and into the spare room, go without sleep etc.

Children who bedshare don't grow up into adults who still need to bedshare with their parents, just like all other things children wean themselves away from a bedshare independently, just not at the speed the western world dictate is early enough. Children don't 'learn' sleep independence because we send them back to their own room, they just learn to stay in their own room so they don't get told off despite feeling unsafe there.

Oh do get a grip.

Yes most of the country’s children feel unsafe sleeping in their own room in their own bed, we’re all letting them cry themselves to sleep every night

we always co-slept, but transitioned the kids to their own room at around 4/5. They now come in when they wake during the night, we then have at least a few hours for sharing time with each other. That's important. Not just sex, but hugging, watching TV and chatting. Life shouldn't revolve around kids. Kids need to fit into the life which is there when they arrive (roughly obviously, people do need to adapt).

DS slept quite happily in the next to me crib and then the cot in his room, worked out well for all of us to be honest. If he was unhappy we would have looked into co sleeping or keeping him in our room, but glad we didn't have to in honesty, I really value a bit of our own space (although if he's poorly or whatever and wants cuddles absolutely).

I would never co sleep with mine as i dont get enough sleep, they need to be encouraged to be in their own space, lack of sleep totally destroys you and your relationship.

I don't care what other people do and I can't see why anyone else would either as it doesn't affect anyone but the parent and their child.

However, I DO get annoyed when Sarah Ockwell Smith and the like say "adults don't like sleeping alone so why do we expect kids to be ok with it"

Absolute poppycock. I like nothing better than sleeping alone. Utter bliss.

I never have. My DD (13) has been sleeping in my room again the last 6 months, fine by me

@Thefourbells

I don't care what other people do and I can't see why anyone else would either as it doesn't affect anyone but the parent and their child.

However, I DO get annoyed when Sarah Ockwell Smith and the like say "adults don't like sleeping alone so why do we expect kids to be ok with it"

Absolute poppycock. I like nothing better than sleeping alone. Utter bliss.

Omg i love sleeping alone, and i think its really important for kids to get themselves to sleep (none of this rocking to sleep malarky) and sleep in their own rooms !!

@Thefourbells

I don't care what other people do and I can't see why anyone else would either as it doesn't affect anyone but the parent and their child.

However, I DO get annoyed when Sarah Ockwell Smith and the like say "adults don't like sleeping alone so why do we expect kids to be ok with it"

Absolute poppycock. I like nothing better than sleeping alone. Utter bliss.

Definitely. I love sleeping alone.

Agree that lots of adults do like sleeping alone. Plenty of children get on fine sleeping alone too.

But I always think what is meant by this is that lots of adults DO like sharing a bed, having someone to cuddle up to at night, we accept and even celebrate this.

But when tiny babies and children don't like to sleep alone we treat it as almost a behavioural issue, something that they must be taught from an early age not to do or they'll grow up clingy and spoilt. When actually it's entirely normal and can be beneficial.

I only put my son in his own room because he was happy to go there. If he was happier in my bed I'd have kept him in with me.

Just like I used to adapt my day round his naps when he was a baby. He would only nap indoors in his cot and if he didn't get his nap he was an absolute nightmare. Obviously that limited what I could do in a day and people used to say "he needs to learn to adapt and be flexible".

I was like how exactly is it going to be fun for me to take him on a day out when come 1pm he will be screaming his head off due to needing a nap.

Those years pass. It passes. He's 5 now and has napped since the age of 3 (and by that point he WAS a lot more adaptable anyway).

My point being that in the early years - just do what works. You get your time back when they're older.

But when tiny babies and children don't like to sleep alone we treat it as almost a behavioural issue, something that they must be taught from an early age not to do or they'll grow up clingy and spoilt. When actually it's entirely normal and can be beneficial

Totally agree and like I say I honestly have zero opinion on children either sleeping with their parents or not sleeping with their parents. Why would I care about that? Whatever works for them.

My brother used to occasionally get in my mum's bed at the age of 10 or 11. I can assure you at the age of 18 he most certainly does not!

Learning to deal with separation from primary caregivers is essential for building resilience and reducing anxiety in children.

It’s quite a myth that in earlier/less developed societies parents and children were together at all times. Babies and young children have always been left in the care of other people while their parents have things to do. Children have always been encouraged out of the parental realm and into the world to play with other children or complete tasks.

It’s really a very modern idea that children should be under such close supervision and in such close contact at all times and this is beneficial to them.

Because your more than just a parent

@Angelica789 This exactly. Attachment parenting is generally more about parents desires than children’s in my opinion.

Each to their own but i don’t buy that it’s ‘better’

The op wasn't really asking about so called attachment parenting though. She said as asking about parents who are struggling to get a child to sleep or to stay in their own room all night.

Parents shouldn't be made to feel that there is something wrong with them or their child if it's not aside on everyone to bed share.