Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

My parents were split and stayed single from me being a baby....so they didn't have anyone else sharing their beds and they both let me share with them until I wanted to sleep in my own bed (think I must have been about 9 or 10).

I didn't have any issues or problems resulting from being allowed to share a bed with them.

Because my son was impossible to get any sleep with. He would rotate in the bed, lie over your face, kick the duvets off.

*I’m going to go against the grain here slightly and say they went into their own rooms from a young age not because it was what I wanted, but because I genuinely believe that it’s a huge gift to give a child to teach them to be able to self settle, to benefit from having their own space, to feel happy and safe in their own company, to actively enjoy time on their own - whilst always being absolutely confident and secure that we are there for them if we need them. And by settling them in their rooms from a young age they all learned this very naturally.

I’m not at all sure that long term co sleeping necessarily has any benefits, other than to make the attachment parent types feel superior.*

Yet here you are and you are coming across as thinking that your way is superior.

Why can't people accept that babies and children aren't robots and they don't come with instruction manuals. They are all different and what suits and works for one family won't necessarily for another.

I've had one child who slept fine in their own bed, another who slept with us until about age 4. Neither way is 'right' or 'better', just better for that child and our circumstances at the time.

Anecdotally I know of two adults who slept in their parents beds long term as children who have turned out to be lovely people who've done perfectly well in life in good careers and happy relationships. Equally I know two adults who slept well as babies and children who've grown up to have insomnia and severe mental health problems. I doubt how someone sleeps as a child makes much difference to anything.

To think that you're way is the best way or the only way is sheer arrogance.

Luckily no one cares.

You should do what works for you to a point but the guidance to keep a baby in with the parent is evidence-based and we should all care very much about the fact that over a thousand babies died every year from SIDS in the 80s, and that safer sleep guidance (baby on back, in same room as parent until 6 months, clear flat mattress with no toys / bumpers) has saved literally thousands of babies’ lives in the last thirty years.

We put babies in their own room because society teaches us it's the right thing to do and also doesn't teach us to listen to our own instincts, especially as a mother, in my opinion.

It feels to me like our society undermines motherhood in myriad ways.

I put my first DC into a cot as I thought it was the right thing to do. Over time we realised we all got more sleep if we let him come in with us.

By the time I had my second, I was much comfortable with trusting my own instincts and I let DD2 fall asleep snuggled on my chest as a baby in the evenings as she made it plain that's where she wanted to be, she'd sleep there for a couple of hours while I watched telly and MNed! Then we'd go up to bed together. It was a really special time.

Now, aged 8, she goes to bed in her own bed but often appears early in the morning and gets in and falls asleep again, and that's not a problem.

I would love to let the DC sleep with us - I know DS would love it, DD perhaps not as she likes her own space. H won't have it though.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I would love to let the DC sleep with us - I know DS would love it, DD perhaps not as she likes her own space. H won't have it though.

My sympathies. I hope he resettles them when they wake, given that it's his objection to them being in your bed that's preventing a full night's rest?

They are mostly past the waking in the night stage, Puntastic, but he did do his fair share when they weren't.

It just makes me a bit sad. I have very fond memories of snuggling up with my mum when I couldn't sleep as a child - she was a single parent so there was no one to object, and it makes me sad my two won't have the same. Instead they'll remember being allowed a brief cuddle and then packed off back to their own rooms, no matter how lonely or scared or sad they are.

Plus, selfishly, I always loved cuddling their wee squishy bodies and breathing in their smell as we fell asleep together. Admittedly they're all knees and elbows these days, and distinctly non-squishy!

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

Luckily no one cares.

You should do what works for you to a point but the guidance to keep a baby in with the parent is evidence-based and we should all care very much about the fact that over a thousand babies died every year from SIDS in the 80s, and that safer sleep guidance (baby on back, in same room as parent until 6 months, clear flat mattress with no toys / bumpers) has saved literally thousands of babies’ lives in the last thirty years.

Of course, we all try to do our best and follow the advice of the day, which is what’s available to us at the time. I don’t need to be told I’m ‘massively judged’ for this. There are many factors which contribute to SIDS which have been addressed and helped bring the figures down, not just co-sleeping.

Because you need to actually parent children, do what's in their best interests, rather than pander to them.

My 14yo would "rather" eat lindors all day, whilst playing 18 rated video games.

@underneaththeash

Because you need to actually parent children, do what's in their best interests, rather than pander to them.

My 14yo would "rather" eat lindors all day, whilst playing 18 rated video games.

But why is sleeping in own room best interests? Why do adults chose to sleep in bed with another? A very small child wanting the security of being with someone is not comparable to your 14 year old. Looking back I now feel it's some sort of arbitrary pressure this country puts on itself.

Just to prove this thread interesting my five year old has spent the last two nights in with DP. He had been happily in his own bed for a good month with no night time wanderings and the last two nights in with DP from about midnight. Nothing has happened, no big changes, but obviously for him he wanted that comfort which is completely fine.

My twins used to get into bed with me aged 2 somehow they’d take up all the room. Half the time I’d end up sleeping curled up on a toddler bed while they starfished in the big comfy bed.

@Ducksurprise because you can provide security at night without being 2 inches away. Reassurance that "mummy is in the next room/down the hall" and that they are in a safe house with people who care for them.

For many families pissing about bed-hopping all night seriously disturbs a child's sleep. As does later on when they're transitioning into their own bed - and it doesn't get easier the older they are. Lack of sleep or disturbed sleep has a huge impact on children - I'm a teacher and children who don't sleep properly for whatever reason have so many problems with concentration, commitment, confidence etc. Some nod off in class. I can probably attribute most problems with childrens behaviour to lack of sleep. Not to mention it's not good for parents who need to function as well.

And speak for yourself re sleeping with another person- I hate sleeping in a bed with others, I doubt I'll ever do it again TBH.

This is just an argument about different definitions of the word independence, and expectations about how/when you get there. My 1yo isn’t going to be unable to make her own sandwiches at the age of 17 because she spends half the night in bed with me. My 3yo can make his own sandwiches with a bit of assistance for goodness’ sake, and he sleeps in his own room having spent all night in mine at the age of 1.

@BooblePlate and my children who have never been allowed to sleep in my bed feel safe and secure at night time. Thy are never scared or anxious about sleeping alone, they don't feel a lack of security from me

As a a side I don't think a single person said bed sharing would lead to a lack of sandwich making abilities. It was more a comment about parents who don't allow their children independence from them because it isn't "child led"

I don’t need to be told I’m ‘massively judged’ for this.

But you aren’t, @Pottedpalm. Going by the sleep advice you were given your children must be at least in their early twenties. I think you can safely assume that there is a statute of limitations on these things. A parent who places a newborn in its own room in 2021 despite clear evidence-based guidance is making a very different choice to a parent who did exactly the same thing in 1991.

This 'teaching them independence' is a load of old codswallop. I have never met another adult who sleeps in the same bed as his mum and dad.
I think lots of parents (myself included) get sucked into the universe of What My Child Should Be Doing and forget the reality of What My Child Can Do.
I made the mistake of trying to get him into his own bed before he was ready with my first. It caused arguments between me and DP ( who works nights ) because he wanted to have the bed to himself (fuck off mate) and he used to moan that I would bring the toddler into our bed when he was working (6 nights out of 7)
I wasn't prepared to get up 73832 times a night and be absolutely knackered the next day (pregnant too and with a newborn) because DP wanted to sleep next to me only when he had a night off. It just wasn't workable and added so much stress.
Same with babies sleeping in cots. I almost killed my son by falling asleep with him on the sofa because I was so exhausted trying to get him into his own cot at night. For months I didn't sleep at all unless it was actually passing out from exhaustion and accidentally falling asleep with the baby on my chest or on my lap. DP rolled onto him after falling asleep and I almost let him suffocate. Not because we co slept but because we tried not to!
With our second (after a short break up so now instead of me fawning over dp and trying to do what he wanted I told him to shut up and carried on doing what I did while we split) She slept through from day 1 except nappy changes. My toddler slept at the bottom of the bed or on the floor in a den
eldest is 8 now and I can't remember exactly when he went into his own room but it was on his terms, I can't get him to sleep in my bed if I tried. It is easier with subsequent children because they aren't alone.

I feel quite strongly about this because when I was a child I used to stay awake scared to death all night long. I really just couldn't sleep and it caused me to feel tired the next day. I used to come into my parents bed sometimes and I remember once sleeping next to my dad and I felt so safe and there where no ghosts or child snatchers trying to take me. I remember the feeling of being so refreshed the next day. It never left me and I feel so bad for forgetting about it in the early days with my first. I can't believe I made him feel unsafe to placate an idiotic ideal

@FlyingPandas

Ours were in their own rooms by 4m. Co slept if we needed to (during periods of illness or bad dream etc) during their first few years and they always had bedtime stories in our bed before being settled in their own rooms. They have also always come into our bed in the mornings for a snuggle (DS1 stopped doing this some time around age 12. DS2 is 11 and still comes in for a morning snuggle, as does 8yo DS3). But they sleep in their own rooms.

I’m going to go against the grain here slightly and say they went into their own rooms from a young age not because it was what I wanted, but because I genuinely believe that it’s a huge gift to give a child to teach them to be able to self settle, to benefit from having their own space, to feel happy and safe in their own company, to actively enjoy time on their own - whilst always being absolutely confident and secure that we are there for them if we need them. And by settling them in their rooms from a young age they all learned this very naturally.

I’m not at all sure that long term co sleeping necessarily has any benefits, other than to make the attachment parent types feel superior.

And I quite see your point - but as a child who was taught to self settle,and has always enjoyed time alone,that isn't what I got from it! I didn't feel unsafe but I did feel unhappy. I knew that my parents loved me,but I also knew that if I was scared in the night that was my problem,because once you were in bed you stayed in bed and didn't get up to find Mummy for a cuddle if you needed that.I suppose it depends what you mean by your children knowing you are there for them if they need you? I wasn't crying and yelling for Mummy,I was just lying there! This is obviously very personal to me but I think a lot of parenting devisions come from our own experiences.

@howtocomplain

We put babies in their own room because society teaches us it's the right thing to do and also doesn't teach us to listen to our own instincts, especially as a mother, in my opinion.

It feels to me like our society undermines motherhood in myriad ways.

I put my first DC into a cot as I thought it was the right thing to do. Over time we realised we all got more sleep if we let him come in with us.

By the time I had my second, I was much comfortable with trusting my own instincts and I let DD2 fall asleep snuggled on my chest as a baby in the evenings as she made it plain that's where she wanted to be, she'd sleep there for a couple of hours while I watched telly and MNed! Then we'd go up to bed together. It was a really special time.

Now, aged 8, she goes to bed in her own bed but often appears early in the morning and gets in and falls asleep again, and that's not a problem.

This speaks volumes to me. I had such a horrible time with my first because I was trying to do what was right for the baby when in reality I caused myself and my baby so much stress and so much harm. I wish I could go back and smack my female relatives in the mouth for telling me that I was doing it wrong unless I bathed baby every night and set him in his cot at 6 and blah blah blah. in reality it just made my life hell for months and months and months

I know people who do sleep with their kids, you can do this if you want to! It isnt for me, our bed isn't big enough and DD is a wriggly sleeper. Also how do bed sharers ever manage to have sex with their partner?

A parent who places a newborn in its own room in 2021 despite clear evidence-based guidance is making a very different choice to a parent who did exactly the same thing in 1991

I put my babies in their room on their own in 1997 and 2003. If I had babies now I would do the same. All these "rules" are still only guidance, and everyone is entitled to make their own decisions, based on their own research, and commensurate with their own assessment of risk and living conditions. Let's be clear, the "guidance" on co-sleeping is still not to do it, but as evidenced here, many do.

In short, everyone has to be able to do what they want, without judgement, and live their lives in ways which make them happy.

I can’t understand why you’d do that though jumpers?

@flashylamp

So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

We don't. Some people do. Some people don't.

There is no universal 'we' in this situation.

I never forced mine to do anything, I was very much baby/child led. The independent argument is an interesting one, the biggest thing that breeds independence is security, not being alone.

This

I totally agree with this

@lavenderandwisteria

I can’t understand why you’d do that though jumpers?

Because we all sleep better that way. Happy parents, happy babies.