Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

we always encouraged the dc to stay in their own beds but they were welcome to into our bed so long they settled down, if they started chatting or trying to play they were taken back to their own beds

Frequently woke up in the mornings with dd2 asleep between us, don't know how she managed it without waking us up

I have 2 children (4&1), they will both wake up at least once and sometimes multiple times a night. At least one of them needs to be in their own room otherwise they wake each other and we all get even less sleep. They're also very difficult to get sleep if the other is present, so if one wakes the other we would then all be up hours.

@Puntastic

Oh snore

You were on the debate team at uni, weren't you? Masterful display.

Yes it was a pathetic comment for me to make but honestly, should where children sleep really need debating? Is it okay that it's just each to their own? The person I replied to said "Children don't 'learn' sleep independence because we send them back to their own room, they just learn to stay in their own room so they don't get told off despite feeling unsafe there." What a boring and stupid statement. My child sleeps in her own room because I work full time and I don't cope well with reduced sleep. I don't sleep well if she is in with my because a family member died from unsafe sleeping (disclaimer I know Co sleeping is not unsafe) and therefore I can't cope with it. I resent the implication that parents who tuck their children up in bed in their own rooms are in some way leaving them somewhere unsafe or unhappy.

Bed share then. That's great! I'll put mine in her own bed. WHO CARES.

@Kitkatchunkyplease

But all your reasons are why you don't want to bedshare, completely valid, but they're about your needs and convenience, you've not said you feel the need to teach your child to sleep alone for any developmental reason, just that you need sleep and don't feel safe sharing. I completely understand that, on the nights my child ends up in bed with me I feel like shit the next day as I don't sleep well.
Saying that children don't learn sleep independence because they're in their repeatedly returned to their own room is true. It's not a learnt behaviour, its something that just happens over time. Otherwise children who bedshare would never be able to sleep alone.

Because we are terrible, terrible people. Just awful.

What about human adults? We want to be in the same bed for comfort as our partner? Not just for sex, we don’t like sleeping alone
Speak for yourself @GreyStep. I hate sharing a room/bed with anyone.

Our DC never ever ever came into our bed, and were in their own rooms by three months.
My need for a decent nights sleep (as back at work) trumped any wants about sleeping in our room they may have had over the years.
As it was, they never even knew it was an option. And I enjoyed their childhood all the better for it.

My first baby was in cot in his own room at 6 weeks and then was happy to be in own bed, never comes into us unless has a nightmare etc. 2nd baby I ended up co-sleeping with as breastfeeding and meant I got more sleep. He went into own room at the year and was fine until he was 3 and then ended up in our bed every night, didn’t stress and now he’s 5 and happy in his own room al night. Youngest is 8 months - sometimes sleeps I cot, sometimes we cosleep (with him in sleepyhead next to me in bed). All kids are different and I agree that I don’t understand the stress and pressure people put on themselves to have kids in their own rooms. But then we have a super king bed and a spare room so it’s just me and a kid in bed so it doesn’t affect my sleep

We don't as we all get more undisturbed sleep when we all sleep together. DS sleeps in a cot bed without bars next to my side of the bed.

However he has decided now, with 3.5, to sleep in his room and stays there sometimes the whole night, sometimes he comes back in the middle of the night.

I do miss him though, but if he thinks he is ready to sleep on his own, I'm not gonna stand in his way.

(And we totally not haven't persuaded him the other night to sleep in our room.......... )

My DD used to toddle into my room every night and I loved it! I was single though so there was lots of room 😊

I only made her sleep in her own bed when she started wriggling about all night and kept me awake.

12 years later I'd give anything to hear her rustling into my room in the middle of the night again 😭

I didn't have a plan with DD, I just played it by ear.

She stayed in my room though not in my bed. When she was nearly 4 she told me she wanted a big girl bed in her own room. So I ordered a beautiful mid-sleeper and we painted her bedroom (she helped).

She just tootled off into her own room and she's never looked back. If anything, it was me that struggled with her moving out . It was hard to let her go.

Nature did a bad job on us, then. I coslept with both my babies then evicted them when they were 4m old because co-sleeping went from getting everyone the most sleep to me not sleeping because the baby kept waking me up and I suspect I was waking the baby up sometimes too. If co-sleeping got everyone enough sleep, I'd be happy to keep them in our bed for several years. As it was, even having them in the same room was seriously disturbing my sleep because I fully woke up every time they breathed extra loud or twitched their legs.

We've recently put our 3yo out of the cot and into a bed. We haven't had any problems with him waking and calling for us in the night except when ill. We go to him, comfort him, ask if he's ready for us to go back to bed yet. He usually says yes after a few songs and cuddles then conks right back out again. If he starts getting nightmares or something and asking for us to keep him company in the night, I'll keep an open mind about co-sleeping again, but I suspect if we try it out that my sleep will start to seriously suffer again. I NEED to protect my sleep in order to be a good parent during the day.

Also, it's not a Reason, but both times we stopped co-sleeping I appreciated getting the marital bed as a social space back. We like to sit up and read in bed with cups of tea of an evening. You can't do that if you're co-sleeping. Yes, with an older child we could put them to bed and do that downstairs, but it's nice not to have to sneak into our own bed! Or, worse, to go to bed at small child bedtime if our child wouldn't go to sleep without one of us.

Because I didn't want to have them in my bed. Because my sleep is precious. Because I didn't want to have sex with them in my bed. Because it's my private space. Because I want to have the lights on. Because they've got their own rooms.

Really I can't think if a single reason why I personally would be ok with this.

@SarahBellam

Because it’s like sleeping with the fucking washing machine.

😂😂😂😂😂

I'm sure it's recommended that babies should sleep in the same room as parent until at least six months?

Just checked (NHS): For the first 6 months your baby should be in the same room as you when they're asleep, both day and night.

I don't, if they wake and want a cuddle in the night I get into bed with them or they get into our bed, sometimes that means my husband has to sleep in one of their beds for the remainder of the night. Some nights it's like musical beds. I'm convinced I'll wake up in the cot one of these days!

I don't, DD still cosleeps in a bed with me age 2. It's only now we are talking with her (because her opinion matters) about transitioning to her own bed in our room.

I massively judge other parents who move their tiny babies into another room.

First 6 months better in same room (co regulates their breathing). After that it has to be what helps the family unit function in a psychologically healthy way. Some babies will be able to settle easily on their own others less so. Some parents will cope well with disturbed sleep others won’t.

Whilst providing a sense of emotional security is essential, this can be achieved in different ways. Treating the child’s need for comfort and security as ‘bad behaviour’ and punishing it or totally ignoring it, is when forcing independent sleeping can be detrimental psychologically for children. (They can learn that their emotional needs are ‘bad’ and should be hidden). But even then, it’s the 80/20 rule and what happens at other times is important too.

Each family is different and apart from when things are at an extreme or abusive, it should be each to their own.

Ours were in their own rooms by 4m. Co slept if we needed to (during periods of illness or bad dream etc) during their first few years and they always had bedtime stories in our bed before being settled in their own rooms. They have also always come into our bed in the mornings for a snuggle (DS1 stopped doing this some time around age 12. DS2 is 11 and still comes in for a morning snuggle, as does 8yo DS3). But they sleep in their own rooms.

I’m going to go against the grain here slightly and say they went into their own rooms from a young age not because it was what I wanted, but because I genuinely believe that it’s a huge gift to give a child to teach them to be able to self settle, to benefit from having their own space, to feel happy and safe in their own company, to actively enjoy time on their own - whilst always being absolutely confident and secure that we are there for them if we need them. And by settling them in their rooms from a young age they all learned this very naturally.

I’m not at all sure that long term co sleeping necessarily has any benefits, other than to make the attachment parent types feel superior.

Both my dds used to toddle over in the night - somehow the oldest did this for years and and the youngest wasn’t interested. At once it changed over and the little one started coming over at night, whilst the oldest one kept to her own bed.
Both dh and me are deep sleepers, so mostly we only found out in the morning as they ‘sneaked in’ 😂.
I used to love it - but once they became to big (age 10 or so ...), they were ok when we told them to go back to their own bed.

DTs slept in their own room from one week old ( as was the way then), first in cots in the same room, then in separate rooms from the time they moved into beds. They only got up for the toilet, when older, or if they felt ill. Both excellent sleepers. There was never an expectation that they share our bed during the night. They would come in for a cuddle in the mornings or, more likely, ask permission dion to watch Fireman Sam.. again 🙂

@BraveBraveMouse

I don't, DD still cosleeps in a bed with me age 2. It's only now we are talking with her (because her opinion matters) about transitioning to her own bed in our room.

I massively judge other parents who move their tiny babies into another room.

Luckily no one cares.

I’m not at all sure that long term co sleeping necessarily has any benefits, other than to make the attachment parent types feel superior.

Ah, and who is coming across as trying to be superior in your post

My DC coming into my bed in the night didn't make me feel superior to anyone. It didn't ever cross my mind to question what I was doing or what anyone else was doing. Who cares. I'm no 'attachment' parent, I didn't even breastfeed mine, but when it came to sleeping I just did what was easier for us, so I would call it more lazy than superior.