Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

Incidentally, when my baby was young, I found the attachment parents to be the most pushy and judgmental. One in particular talked constantly about their ‘cloth bums’, co-sleeping, breastfeeding and baby wearing. She judged me openly for FF, having my baby not in my bed, using ‘sposies’ (🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣) and for pushing the kid around in a pram, like it was tantamount to abuse. She was truly awful to me.

Not to tar people who choose to do those things with the same brush, but my own personal experience of people who made certain choices such as co-sleeping was not good. But of course, there may be people who co-slept and kept a lid on it, but so many people seemed to go on about these choices like it made them superior.

@Onairjunkie

Incidentally, when my baby was young, I found the attachment parents to be the most pushy and judgmental. One in particular talked constantly about their ‘cloth bums’, co-sleeping, breastfeeding and baby wearing. She judged me openly for FF, having my baby not in my bed, using ‘sposies’ (🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣) and for pushing the kid around in a pram, like it was tantamount to abuse. She was truly awful to me.

Not to tar people who choose to do those things with the same brush, but my own personal experience of people who made certain choices such as co-sleeping was not good. But of course, there may be people who co-slept and kept a lid on it, but so many people seemed to go on about these choices like it made them superior.

As someone who EBF (and extended breastfed too), coslept and used cloth nappies on my DC, I'd agree with you. I'm on Facebook groups for some of these things and there is a very strong undercurrent of judgement on many of them for those who don't follow the path the group adhere too. Generally if you write a comment suggesting that not adhering to the prescribed method is anything other than damaging to DC you get your comment deleted by mods.

My theory is that cloth nappying/EBF/co-sleeping is going against the norm in our society, so people who follow these approaches get used to receiving judgemental comments and begin to build arguments as to why their approach is superior, in order to answer the judgements they're receiving from others. The irony is that in their quest to fight back against judgemental people, they turn into them.

^ I do find the whole crunchy mumma thing very cliquey. As a tie dye wearing, cloth bum, baby wearing, baby led weaning mum who swapped to formula and did sleep training... The whole thing could have been quite crisis inducing!

I never referred to my kids sleeping with me as co- sleeping’. It was just ‘he/she sometimes comes in in the middle of the night cos I’m so fucking shattered and can’t be spending 3 hours carrying them back to their own bed’. I just wanted to sleep. 💤

I kind of agree OP, although individual families will do what works for them. DD was in her own room from 6 months but there were certain stages where she wanted to be in with us and certainly when she was ill. We travelled a lot and she was often in the same room and it was never an issue. When DH died she did not immediately sleep in my bed but then went through a stage of sleeping in my room for about a year. Not an issue, I knew she would move out when she was ready. She is now 14 and briefly cuddled up to watch a film in bed the other day and it was so nice. She now usually likes to be in a different room when awake

It's part of life.
We didn't question it as DC but there was 3 if us to a bedroom so we had company.
If I could turn back time I'd use sleep training on mine they're both still bad sleepers in their separate rooms expecting company at night.

@happinessischocolate

A quick google came up with this, which shows that anyone saying cosleeping with kids makes them clingy and unconfident is talking tosh. Especially the ones who think the kids will still be cosleeping when they're 18

However as previously stated, kids usually take after their parents so hopefully the kids who really want to sleep with their parents will have parents who allow it, and kids who are happy to sleep on their own will also be able to do so.

Everyone should do what works for them without having to make up reasons why their way is better.

Exactly just do whatever makes you happy and gets you the maximum amount of sleep. DS(4) sleeps with me, DH sleeps in another room, the relationship hasn't broken down because DH can't have sex without walking a couple of metres to come and get me. DS sleeps 12 hours, I like the closeness, when he wants his own room he can certainly have it but for now we all seem quite happy.

Didn't use cloth nappies or breastfeed and certainly didn't tie dye anything so can't claim any crunchy mum credentials!

Parents need to do what works for their family.
Both DC were put down in their own rooms but came with us when they woke as babies and came themselves when older at some point in the night...until they didn't
And they were very different - DC1 was a high maintenance baby and seeing them sleeping more or less peacefully next to us felt like the only thing keeping me sane at some points! DC2 wouldn't go to sleep anywhere except in their own bed,but ended up with us at some point.
They both slept fine as older kids,on their own,no getting up etc.

My big childhood memory is of lying in bed trying to get to sleep,listening to "scary" noises,wishing my Mum was there,I was scared of the dark til I got married when I knew DH would get got by the monsters first I didn't want that for my children.

Because my world doesn’t revolve around what my kid wants. Luckily she’s always been a great sleeper. I’m not just a mum.

I co-slept until about ten months with my twins and 14 months with my youngest.

There is not enough room in a bed for me to co-sleep longer, I can’t sleep when I’m being touched and quite frankly my sleep is actually really important.

Mine are 12 and 9 now and are welcome in our room if they’re not feeling well or if they’re scared or whatever. It doesn’t happen often.

@KaleSlayer

I never referred to my kids sleeping with me as co- sleeping’. It was just ‘he/she sometimes comes in in the middle of the night cos I’m so fucking shattered and can’t be spending 3 hours carrying them back to their own bed’. I just wanted to sleep. 💤

I wouldn’t regard that as co sleeping.

My daughter needed me in her bed to fall asleep - as long as I had some evening together with DH I didn't mind her coming to me in the night. I knew it is temporary. She finally stopped when she was 12 and now I have to ask her for a sleepover ........ kids are small for lunch a small time. She is very independent in most ways.

I wouldn’t regard that as co sleeping.

Tell that to the health visitor who told me I wasn’t doing my child any favours by co sleeping!

I don't.

And whilst I agree that it's my job as a parent to guide my child and that sometimes means doing things they don't want to, I don't think independent sleeping as toddlers or young children is one of those things. DC1 is 5 and sleeps in his own room more often than not, DC2 is 2.5 and almost exclusively sleeps in her own room. I didn't instigate either time, they did. DC2 has always preferred sleeping on her own. It's a good job she was born in the 21st century, she'd never have survived as a cave baby, far too independent!

It's done for convenience of the adults. So they don't have to be uncomfortable, bedshare, one move out and into the spare room, go without sleep etc.

Children who bedshare don't grow up into adults who still need to bedshare with their parents, just like all other things children wean themselves away from a bedshare independently, just not at the speed the western world dictate is early enough. Children don't 'learn' sleep independence because we send them back to their own room, they just learn to stay in their own room so they don't get told off despite feeling unsafe there.

@EverdeRose

It's done for convenience of the adults. So they don't have to be uncomfortable, bedshare, one move out and into the spare room, go without sleep etc.

Children who bedshare don't grow up into adults who still need to bedshare with their parents, just like all other things children wean themselves away from a bedshare independently, just not at the speed the western world dictate is early enough. Children don't 'learn' sleep independence because we send them back to their own room, they just learn to stay in their own room so they don't get told off despite feeling unsafe there.

Oh snore

@SherryPalmer

Because part of our role as parents is to help them transition to independence from us?

What about human adults? We want to be in the same bed for comfort as our partner? Not just for sex, we don’t like sleeping alone, so why do we expect 6months old babies to do it?? We should all sleep as single adults in our own room then

Oh snore

You were on the debate team at uni, weren't you? Masterful display.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

The independent argument is an interesting one, the biggest thing that breeds independence is security, not being alone.

But the two aren't mutually exclusive. You can give a child security whilst also making them sleep in their own bed. The security being "I'm just down the hall if you need me".

And as a teacher I can assure you that not making children do things or be alone very much stifles their independence. I teach 17yo's who can't even make sandwiches because their parents have done everything for them.

Those 17 year olds probably still sleep with mummy and daddy!

I knew a family once who had a family bedroom, a room just full of mattresses. As the kids grew up they naturally migrated to their own bedrooms. I thought it was a beautiful commitment to not making children face fears before they're ready.

What about human adults? We want to be in the same bed for comfort as our partner? Not just for sex, we don’t like sleeping alone, so why do we expect 6months old babies to do it??

I massively prefer sleeping alone. I found co sleeping mentally very very difficult. I'd prefer DH and I to have separate rooms, most of the time we do sleep separately!

@wotchhha

For me it is because children need to go to sleep earlier. My children are in bed for 7pm,

Does co-sleeping mean going to bed at 7pm?

Well what adult goes to bed at 7pm?

Because I don't want to sleep with a wiggly starfish.

@dudsville

I knew a family once who had a family bedroom, a room just full of mattresses. As the kids grew up they naturally migrated to their own bedrooms. I thought it was a beautiful commitment to not making children face fears before they're ready.

❤️ This was my dream. But I found it sooo exhausting. My 5yo still comes into out room after falling asleep with me in his bed initially.

My youngest sleeps in his room all night! With no push from us but I am thankful!

Allthereindeersaregirls

I massively prefer sleeping alone. I found co sleeping mentally very very difficult. I'd prefer DH and I to have separate rooms, most of the time we do sleep separately!“

Can understand that. Love my husband dearly after 32 years, he does me. Would love to have the space for our own bedrooms. He has a CPAP so a bit like sleeping with Darth Vader and needs to get up and use the loo frequently during the night. I’m often very hot, throw the covers off, toss and turn and occasionally whack him on the head.
Throughout our marriage, he’s worked away for probably 40% of the time and we sleep perfectly well apart.

I imagine liaisons with wine and chocolate then kisses goodnight and off to our own rooms for a reasonable nights sleep without disturbing the other would be an. more romantic and b. healthier.

Just off to peruse Rightmove 😁