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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to have a sex toy when I have one?

151 replies

Confrontayshunme · 14/05/2021 16:18

DH recently bought me a new sex toy, which I appreciate. He mentioned in passing that he would like one and said the company emailed him an ad with male sleeve/fleshlight type toys. I don't know why, but I really don't want him to have one of these. He and I were both a bit surprised, as I am a big fan of feminism and generally favour all things being equal.

I guess I think that we use "my" toy together so I can achieve orgasm, but his would be just for him (and he has hands for that). Also, the cleanup for them seems...gross.

I wouldn't mind terribly if my DDs were teenage/adult women and knew I had toys, but I definitely don't feel the same about a silicone vagina/ass. Boak.

AIBU?

If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
GroovyPeanut · 15/05/2021 01:29

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed

Sorry.. fleshlight 😩
It made me laugh. I'd got visions of him with a headtorch or a Halfords torch 😂
vimtosogood · 15/05/2021 01:33

YABU and you know you are. There was a very similar thread recently and it went down much like this one.
As for sharing toys, what's to stop you using it on him?

Pyewackect · 15/05/2021 01:35

Why does he need your permission?

HahaAreyouSerious · 15/05/2021 01:48

I just want to know what on earth your kids ages have got to do with this???????

me4real · 15/05/2021 01:50

You're technically B very U, but when it comes to your feelings about the items, you can't help that they gross you personally out a bit.

But you can't stop him having one on those grounds.

WrongWayApricot · 15/05/2021 02:23

Feminism isn't about equality, it's about female liberation, sorry for the pedantry. Most women can't orgasm from penetration alone. Most men can orgasm from penetration alone. This leads to a disparity in the frequency of orgasms between men and women and a lot of the time overall enjoyment and pleasure. A lot of sex toys aimed at women are to help them find sex with a man more enjoyable. One could say this is quite feminist in that it allows women to have orgasms with their partners where they wouldn't have been able to before. Sex toys also help women explore their bodies and sexuality in a society that sees them as not deserving of bodily autonomy and sexual pleasure. On the other hand, society pushes men the other way, encouraging them to be in control and find sexual enjoyment.

Therefore, I think it's natural, as a woman, to feel negatively towards items like fleshlights. We know that sex is often unfair already. Sex toys are seen as liberation from sexual dissatisfaction for women in heterosexual relationships. To have another product that encourages a man to seek sexual gratification without his partner is saddening. The toy for you isn't really for you, it's for the relationship. The toy for him is really all for him. You can hold it for him or use toys at the same time watching each other or helping each other but that's about it. The sex toy for you was bringing you closer together, the toy for him is creating distance. It's fine to feel a bit miffed about it. YANBU

Hont1986 · 15/05/2021 02:44

Feminism isn't about equality, it's about female liberation, sorry for the pedantry.

Is this your own personal definition of feminism? Because the encyclopedia defines it as "the belief in social, economic, and political equality of the sexes".

NiceGerbil · 15/05/2021 02:49

YABU

If it was a creepy realistic sex doll/ robot then I'd have voted differently!

me4real · 15/05/2021 02:55

@WrongWayApricot That makes sense.

@Hont1986 It depends what you look at, there isn't only one encyclopedia. :) And a one-sentence definition is never going to go in depth into it. Mainstream culture/dictionaries etc also tend to not necessarily have muuch knowledge of the subject.

The idea of a Women's Liberation movement isn't one that Wrong has just made up herself.

Writersblock2 · 15/05/2021 03:15

I think the flesh lights are similar to the fake skin type dildos/vibratory — they are both based on porn stars and modelled after their genitalia. I’m not into porn, it’s exploitative, and therefore I see this as an extension to this. Unfortunately it’s been lumped in with non-porn type sex aids that don’t replicate someone’s fanny.

So no, OP, if the above is making you feel gross I think it’s justified. You’re not saying you’re objecting to sex aids, you’re objecting to a certain type. My partner would be grossed out if I was after someone else’s dick in silicone too.

1forAll74 · 15/05/2021 03:18

He could use it in the bathroom,, or even the shed,if you don't wish to see it. But not for use in the car though !

PortraitOf · 15/05/2021 03:31

YABVU.

Has he bought an entire sec doll? If so, it would certainly be a different story.

He’s essentially bought a silicone sleeve that’s shaped to the penis in order to stimulate it. Not too much different to you buying a toy that is shaped to the inside of the vagina.

(For what it’s worth, I’m a raging lesbian who usually boaks at most things related to male sexuality, so please don’t think I have a bias here.)

I’m also not sure what your children have to do with this? Very bizarre that you’d even mention them/their ages. If they are hunting through your private belongings and finding your sex toys, then that’s an issue no matter their age and you need to let them know it’s not ok.

How are things overall with him? In the nicest way possible, you sound quite insecure. Is there more to this/other contributing factors that might be making you feel so upset about this? It comes across as quite controlling actually.

PortraitOf · 15/05/2021 03:31

*sex doll, not sec doll!

sammylady37 · 15/05/2021 05:44

@VinceBitMe

This is ridiculous. OP may have a bad experience that means she sees her husband using a sex toy as something that makes her feel self conscious about her own body. Or that he may prefer the flashlight. Don’t be so rude!!
This is ridiculous. OP’s husband may have a bad experience that means he sees his wife trying to dictate and control how he masturbates as something that makes him feel undermined, controlled or coerced. Don’t be so rude!

Works both ways

sammylady37 · 15/05/2021 05:46

@1forAll74

He could use it in the bathroom,, or even the shed,if you don't wish to see it. But not for use in the car though !
Why the fuck should he be banished from his home to the shed to masturbate? Imagine any woman on here saying her DP told her she couldn’t masturbate in the comfort of her own bed but should go to the shed to do it??
CoalCraft · 15/05/2021 05:48

Unbelievably unreasonable. So what he has a hand? A flesh light would feel better.

Why do you care about clean up? He'd be the one doing it.

sbhydrogen · 15/05/2021 06:59

He should get a Tenga Egg. Excellent feeling, no fake vaginas.

emilyfrost · 15/05/2021 07:15

And thanks for the advice regarding non fanny shaped sleeve things! That is definitely a decent compromise

Why should he have to compromise?

YABVU and controlling. It’s really none of your business.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/05/2021 07:48

And thanks for the advice regarding non fanny shaped sleeve things! That is definitely a decent compromise
It's not really imagine he decides what sex toy you use? He could get you the lipstick toy over the big dick.

I took a peak at male sex toys based on this thread, the fisting glove is shocking. Is it used internally on men and women? It looks barbaric.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 15/05/2021 07:52

I do think it's different for men and women.

Some women (me included) can't orgasm without sex toys. Most men orgasm every time they have sex, masturbate etc. What do they need a sex you for exactly?

If people don't know what the orgasm gap is then Google it. If men don't want women buying sex toys they need to start making a better effort in bed

EmeraldShamrock · 15/05/2021 08:02

I wouldn't be without mine. I can orgasm without one but it is not as good.
Okay men ejaculate without toys no issue but for private use surely they like a new texture and feeling is nice.

Remmy123 · 15/05/2021 08:18

I wouid feel the same as you is find it 🤢🤢

thecatsarecrazy · 15/05/2021 08:25

Yes you are in my opinion. I have a box full of sex toys, I have some more arriving today. My husband wanted one of these and I offered to add to my order but he wanted to do it himself. There's nothing wrong with a bit of self pleasure now and again. It's no reflection on your partner. We still have sex but if he's busy and I'm in the mood I use a toy.

sammylady37 · 15/05/2021 09:45

Some women (me included) can't orgasm without sex toys. Most men orgasm every time they have sex, masturbate etc. What do they need a sex you for exactly?

To enhance pleasure? Or do you only masturbate and have sex with the bare minimum effort and in the most perfunctory way necessary to achieve orgasm?

And also, he simply wants one. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Spaceprincess · 15/05/2021 11:37

My DP has a couple of them, of course you can use them together.

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