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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to have a sex toy when I have one?

151 replies

Confrontayshunme · 14/05/2021 16:18

DH recently bought me a new sex toy, which I appreciate. He mentioned in passing that he would like one and said the company emailed him an ad with male sleeve/fleshlight type toys. I don't know why, but I really don't want him to have one of these. He and I were both a bit surprised, as I am a big fan of feminism and generally favour all things being equal.

I guess I think that we use "my" toy together so I can achieve orgasm, but his would be just for him (and he has hands for that). Also, the cleanup for them seems...gross.

I wouldn't mind terribly if my DDs were teenage/adult women and knew I had toys, but I definitely don't feel the same about a silicone vagina/ass. Boak.

AIBU?

If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 14/05/2021 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Timestablesaretables · 14/05/2021 17:15

@Poppins2016 put my feelings into words.
I did buy my DH a stroker thingy (nothing like a vagina or anus) and he said it really wasn't anything special and hasn't used it since.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 14/05/2021 17:16

You say he 'has a hand for that' but I'm assuming you have fingers 'for that', too?
Using toys brings different sensations

Siepie · 14/05/2021 17:20

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

You say he 'has a hand for that' but I'm assuming you have fingers 'for that', too? Using toys brings different sensations
This. It's hypocritical.

Also controlling. I can't imagine telling a partner how they were allowed to pleasure themselves.

And maybe don't discuss your sex toys with your children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2021 17:22

You’re being ridiculous.

UltimateBlends · 14/05/2021 17:23

On the off chance this is real..
I brought one of those flashlight toys for an ex and used it during our intimate time together, let him have one and use it the same as you would your own toys! There's absolutely no difference

YABU

MargateSands · 14/05/2021 17:25

Given it’s his toy, why does the clean up bother you? Is he going to use the dishwasher?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 14/05/2021 17:25

Well this threads a weird one. Hmm

Sally872 · 14/05/2021 17:30

Will you only use your toy together?

I think it is unreasonable for either of you to have an input into how the other masterbates alone.

I get you don't like it but unreasonable to try and stop him or judge him for it.

TeamMummy · 14/05/2021 17:34

It's okay for a woman to have a dildo but it's not okay for a man to have a life size sex doll with adjustable asshole settings

Double standards if I do say so myself

Branleuse · 14/05/2021 17:34

i would find it pretty gross. I dont think its the same as a vibrator for clitoral stimulation. If you bought yourself a fucking-machine for solo use then he might feel a bit put out too.
Obviously its up to him though

Original poster
Confrontayshunme · 14/05/2021 17:39

Sorry if it sounded controlling, as I didn't tell him he couldn't have one. It was just a weird gut reaction and I wondered if anyone felt the same way.

I admit the comment about the DD knowing was weird, but I was trying to explain why it felt different to me.

So as not to drip feed, he is perfectly welcome to masturbate and I wouldn't stop him (and he would clean any aid he used). We have talked about getting a different type of male sex aid, and I have absolutely no problem with them, but the sleeve type fleshlight bothers me.

I think it is because I saw them once as being made like the vagina of various porn stars, which I feel is weird and exploitative (sort of). He doesn't use pornography and finds it a bit grim, so I think that's where the weirdness lies for me.

But it seems like most people think IABU, so I will talk about it more with him.

OP posts:
24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 14/05/2021 17:46

Well that just selfish and YABVU.

How can you say “I’m allowed to have toys for my pleasure but you can’t have them for yours”

Get him a flashlight fgs. And there is absolutely no reason why you can use your toys together, whether that’s a rampant rabbit or a silicone arsehole.

24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 14/05/2021 17:46

Sorry.. fleshlight 😩

FreezeMotherHubbard · 14/05/2021 17:47

@Confrontayshunme

Sorry if it sounded controlling, as I didn't tell him he couldn't have one. It was just a weird gut reaction and I wondered if anyone felt the same way.

I admit the comment about the DD knowing was weird, but I was trying to explain why it felt different to me.

So as not to drip feed, he is perfectly welcome to masturbate and I wouldn't stop him (and he would clean any aid he used). We have talked about getting a different type of male sex aid, and I have absolutely no problem with them, but the sleeve type fleshlight bothers me.

I think it is because I saw them once as being made like the vagina of various porn stars, which I feel is weird and exploitative (sort of). He doesn't use pornography and finds it a bit grim, so I think that's where the weirdness lies for me.

But it seems like most people think IABU, so I will talk about it more with him.

By "talk" I assume you mean tell him it's perfectly ok?
24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 14/05/2021 17:48

@Tiktokersmiracle spills the beans then? Me and DP have been looking for something new and your descriptions sounds exactly what we need 😂

Original poster
Confrontayshunme · 14/05/2021 17:50

And for the record, this is real, but I am not the kind of person who feels I can talk about this with people I know, so I thought I would ask strangers!

OP posts:
24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 14/05/2021 17:50

Hm, I feel like you talking will be “you can have one BUT just know I’m not happy about it and I don’t like the idea.. but get one don’t get one you prick “

Original poster
Confrontayshunme · 14/05/2021 17:52

And I said I'll "talk" with him because contrary to most people on MN, I tend to talk about areas of conflict or stress rather than stew about it or plan to LTB. Grin

OP posts:
Tal45 · 14/05/2021 17:55

What about as a compromise he gets one of the open ended sleeve ones that doesn't look like a vagina - called a stroker on LH I think? They look a bit less grim IMO - mind you I'd rather have a bullet than a fake penis as I think they're gross too.

Sally872 · 14/05/2021 17:56

In that case I can see why you a bit weird. I might too. I would realise it is my problem, compare it to him objecting to my sex toy and move on. I would talk to him about it as I don't know what there is to say, I would see it as my issue to move past/forget about. He might try it and not even like it much.

Original poster
Confrontayshunme · 14/05/2021 17:57

It is perfectly okay for an adult to say "I felt weird, but I have gotten more information and thought about it and changed my mind." I can admit I was being unreasonable. I felt that way initially but had a kneejerk reaction.

OP posts:
EverythingWasGolden · 14/05/2021 17:58

I think the flesh light things/sex dolls are gross too. I think there's something about them being realistic that I don't like. Almost like they're simulating sex with someone else.

FWIW I don't like the idea of a super realistic dildo either!

Other non-realistic aids for enhancement I would be ok with.

ConcreteUnderpants · 14/05/2021 18:00

Yabu and slightly controlling OP

Suzi888 · 14/05/2021 18:01

YABU you have a hand tooWink but fleshlights gross me out too.

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