AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I'm really quite surprised a hospital kept you in for 31 weeks. Your really going to risk being away from your child for that long again. Also your child spends most of his life in nursery. 7am until 6pm every night is a very long day for a young child. I've not known many people in that situation that wanted to have another child while working those kind of hours, and yes I do know a lot of people with a lot of children, because I look after young children for a living. People aren't telling you you're not allowed to have another child (makes you sound like a petulant child to be honest) they are saying you should really consider not having another because nothing about your situation is ideal.

Do you work from 7am to 6pm doing your childcare?

It stick with the one you have.
When you have to start making demands from your spouse, it's time for a rethink.
It sounds like you are both working, so there's probably not a lot of family time with the one you have.
Why have more kids to give to childcare workers?

@Naunet

I really don't understand why you want another child when you've placed the one you've got in someone else's care for the majority of their waking hours

Do you say this to fathers who work full time?

Yes, I would say that to a father working ft if his partner was too, and the child was in childcare for most of it's life.

I think you should look at options how to cope with HG first, it might not happen the second time but it's best to safe than sorry.
I don't think your demands are that unreasonable in sense of waiting for better maternity pay and him cancelling his holiday - IF you are pregnant by then, I do think the others are a bit unreasonable though sorry.

I think your also crazy for having another if the first one made you feel so low and poorly.

Adoption agencies vary.

I am surprised you got as far as training given that all of the things you raise should have been pre-screened out beforehand if they were going to prevent you. I would have thought it was very unusual to run a whole training course and then not go on to approve any of the course.

Age gaps tend to have to be at least 2 years from youngest child, so I can't see what the issue would be there as you have 'skipped on a few years' since having your first DC.

They don't tend to like it if you are wavering between adopting and still having a birth child, nor if you appear to be giving up at the first difficulty.

I think there is quite a lot to be said for you to try to just be happy with the one child you have.

@Devlesko

It stick with the one you have. When you have to start making demands from your spouse, it's time for a rethink. It sounds like you are both working, so there's probably not a lot of family time with the one you have. Why have more kids to give to childcare workers?

Are your children homeschooled?

I'd like to keep pursuing that option a bit longer but it's really draining on DH and he really struggles with being constantly led on and rejected.

I sympathise with DH massively, because I’m the same and being rejected for anything crushes me, but I don’t think it’s in any way comparable to you risking a second pregnancy like your first. I know it could be different, but you always plan for the worst and hope for the best... and the worst case here is that you’re in hospital for 7 months again, but this time with a child.

There’s no way in the world that pregnancy is an easier option, or a better option, then pursuing adoption via other routes.

It is really tough to get approved, I have a friend who had a three week old placed with her last year, but she’d been trying for nearly six years and felt that nobody would give her a break. Some people do get through. Her son is much older than she wanted him to be when they adopted, but absolutely loves his new sister, they dote on each other.

Reading your initial list of demands with this message in mind alters it a bit... are you hoping DH will find the demands too much and agree to continue with adoption instead?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I'm really quite surprised a hospital kept you in for 31 weeks. Your really going to risk being away from your child for that long again. Also your child spends most of his life in nursery. 7am until 6pm every night is a very long day for a young child. I've not known many people in that situation that wanted to have another child while working those kind of hours, and yes I do know a lot of people with a lot of children, because I look after young children for a living. People aren't telling you you're not allowed to have another child (makes you sound like a petulant child to be honest) they are saying you should really consider not having another because nothing about your situation is ideal.

Mee! Mee! My dc are in a school and childcare from 8 till 6, 5 days a week. They are great kids, we love them and we want another. I know lots of people like me with kids in similar positions, hope that helps!!!

No, they are grown up, but yes they were Home educated, we are a family, travelled and worked as one.
Youngest is 17 and currently boarding before college.

@TeenMinusTests

Adoption agencies vary.

I am surprised you got as far as training given that all of the things you raise should have been pre-screened out beforehand if they were going to prevent you. I would have thought it was very unusual to run a whole training course and then not go on to approve any of the course.

Age gaps tend to have to be at least 2 years from youngest child, so I can't see what the issue would be there as you have 'skipped on a few years' since having your first DC.

They don't tend to like it if you are wavering between adopting and still having a birth child, nor if you appear to be giving up at the first difficulty.

I think there is quite a lot to be said for you to try to just be happy with the one child you have.

Thank you. We haven't indicated to the adoption agency that we're considering a birth child again (for exactly the reason you've said). We were trying to adopt for over a year and they came up with one reason after another why there was a problem. We're both now fairly certain that they were intending to reject us from the start - as are the other people who we attended courses with.

I think having a child, even if it is your second child, is worth it. Even in your quite difficult situation. Firstly, because you might not feel as bad this time around, secondly, because you know more what's in store this time around and even with that knowledge you have decided it is worth it.

I would say waiting until September is sensible, can not see your DH objecting to that one.

The boob reduction is something I think you should do regardless of second pregnancy, because life is no fun if you are in pain. It seems you can afford it so go for it.

A holiday is just a holiday. Having a baby is a joint venture, and if you are really sick and can't look after your son, he will have to just stay at home.

I think this is a little tricky with the long drive, but you can always discuss it with your husband. Maybe also be open to visit some of the hospitals more local to you. You might just love one of them.

Being induced is really your choice. Your husband should be supportive of whatever way you choose to get the baby out. Even if it is standing on your head, in a bathtub filled with chocolate sauce. It's just your choice.

Good luck OP!

@Devlesko

It stick with the one you have. When you have to start making demands from your spouse, it's time for a rethink. It sounds like you are both working, so there's probably not a lot of family time with the one you have. Why have more kids to give to childcare workers?

Oooh it’s someone else come along to judge the choices millions make. Yay.

@Devlesko

No, they are grown up, but yes they were Home educated, we are a family, travelled and worked as one. Youngest is 17 and currently boarding before college.

Your child is boarding?!?! How horrific for them!!! You must be a terrible, awful human. Why have a child if you're going to send them away?

See how insane and nasty you sound now? Also, saying I'm a bad parent for not homeschooling my child and yet yours is at a boarding school, hypocrite or troll?

@Devlesko

No, they are grown up, but yes they were Home educated, we are a family, travelled and worked as one. Youngest is 17 and currently boarding before college.

They aren’t even 18. At boarding school!! Bloody hell, don’t you even like them?

@timeisnotaline Your responses on here are wonderful. I'm loving you right now.

I find the use of the word ‘demands’ a bit jarring - have you run this past your DH already? Does he disagree or do you think he will disagree? Demanding implies you expect him to not agree... but then whether he agrees or not is kind of irrelevant as most of what you’ve put forward is ultimately up to you anyway.

@Naunet Yes, I'd say exactly the same to a father who wanted a second child whilst their first was in childcare for the majority of the time.

Sounds likd you need to get over your anxiety around childbirth before you conceive again. I think a lot of you demands are not wise. Telling him to cancel the holiday. Wanting a hospital two hours away.

I’d phone adoption agency and say you were devastated to be rejected can they provide a list of what you need to change to improve your chances of being accepted.

@Pinkblueberry

I find the use of the word ‘demands’ a bit jarring - have you run this past your DH already? Does he disagree or do you think he will disagree? Demanding implies you expect him to not agree... but then whether he agrees or not is kind of irrelevant as most of what you’ve put forward is ultimately up to you anyway.

I see where you're coming from. What I mean by "demand" is that they're not negotiable for me. I cannot bear the thought of a pregnancy where I don't know whether my breasts will get bigger and I'll be impacted for the rest of my life, I can't stand the idea of being in labour and simply not trusting the people who are around me or advising me etc. I need him to be on board with these five things in order for me to feel comfortable doing this together.

Mine went to nursery full time. We are a v close family and my kids would be considered successful - kind, compassionate, academic etc. Now young adults...

Everyone's family is different.

This thread is incredibly judgemental and the inability to step into someone else's shoes....

Anyway, have you thought about getting a referral to an obstetrician that specialises in HG?

@Scramblerr I didn't say it makes you a bad parent, it does make you a largely absent one though. As for whether your demands are reasonable, I suggest asking your DH, the person you're making the demands of.

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

I’d phone adoption agency and say you were devastated to be rejected can they provide a list of what you need to change to improve your chances of being accepted.

Done - email not phone. That's not quite what they do - there's an appeals process, which we've gone through. There's nothing else we can do. Adoption agencies can pretty much reject anyone for any reason they like and there's nothing that can be done about it. They're untouchable.

The only thing that is a bit unreasonable is the choice of hospital - it might simply not work out like that, eg if you go into labour early. Also if you need to be hospitalised it will be difficult for your DH to visit 2h away when he's got a toddler at home. The holiday is a non issue and yes he should give it up, cosmetic surgery is entirely up to you.

Good luck whatever you decide, maybe this time it won't be that hard.

[quote Catkin8]@Scramblerr I didn't say it makes you a bad parent, it does make you a largely absent one though. As for whether your demands are reasonable, I suggest asking your DH, the person you're making the demands of. [/quote]
You're absolutely right. I'll quit my job, DH can quit his and we'll live on the street and spend loads of time together.