AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

To answer the questions popping up:

There's a good chance I'll have HG again but it's not certain. My mother had it much worse with her first than with her later pregnancies and it got better each time. My sister had it at the start but they gave her a drug that really helped her that I wasn't offered so that's an option. I was also in hospital when my son was around 5 months old and was given an antisickness pill then - every time I took it, I started vomitting uncontrollably and the nurse said it can sometimes happen with this antisickness pill (which I'd been taking the whole way through my pregnancy) - so, I'm hopeful that if I avoid that pill then I'll be a lot better.

We were shocked when we were rejected by the agency too but it's very common. Another couple were rejected because the man's mother's sister had married his father's brother and the agency thought that the "unusual family dynamic" would be "damaging" to a child placed with them. One adopter said in our email thread that her friend is a social worker with a different area and that our LA are very understaffed in that department and so are rejecting as many people as they can to reduce workload.

I had severe morning sickness with my last child, not bad enough to be HG but still horrendous. No way would I ever get pregnant again. I wouldn't risk being in hospital and hardly seeing my child.

I'm shocked that they left you to go to 39 weeks like that. I was induced twice at 37 weeks for diabetes, even though my blood sugar was perfectly under control and there were no signs of any problems with the babies.

The skiing holiday looks like the only thing that is wholly under his control.

Surgery - you'll need to wait a bit for.

Hospitals & induction will need to be discussed with your team. 2 hours to travel if you are in for any length before or after birth would add a good deal of pressure on all of you.

I think the title needs amending by admins, it has nothing to do with your questions or your DH apart from the ski holiday, which I think yabu for expecting him to cancel before even getting pregnant.
It should be more aibu to want another child considering my circumstances.

Anyway, I had horrendous sickness and exhaustion but not to the extent I was hospitalised, also a horrendous recovery from my c section, so I understand the concerns incase things go bad and you wanting to control things.
But also no knowing whether this will happen again, I've heard of some people having awful pregnancies first time and then the next having nothing. So I dont think just not having another is the right route, you may live to regret it. It depends on how desperate you are.

I don't think traveling 2 hours to the hospital is a good idea either, especially if you do get sickness again , can you imagine traveling all that way with sickness. There may be new staff in as well so no guarantee you'll get the same treatment that you did last time.

Also you say you want to be induced, Its quite common these send in emergency c sections, which I can assure you is so painful, travelling 2hours back will be horrendous, I cried the whole way home from my 20 minute journey. I was also in hospital 4 days after birthday (7 days in total from my induction) would your DH be OK staying in a hotel the majority of the time?

Sorry if this has come across harsh but I think you need to rethink things again from scratch. It all sounds harder then it should be. The adoption thing is mind blowing.

I was really sick during my pregnancy and it's one of the reasons we're sticking with one child. I don't think it would be fair on my DD or on any of the other people involved.

The breast reduction is a perfectly reasonable request no matter what- do you think you only deserve to not be in pain every day if you bear another child? The ski holiday seems a given, I wouldn’t ask, I’d just say you know that if I do this, unless I’m literally a stereotypically glowing pregnant woman that ski holiday is out- I mean he hardly wants a baby that much if it’s not worth one holiday. I definitely would not have more than one more though! I’m a fraction of that level of sick and am quite stressed contemplating getting through a third pregnancy.

My pregnancy was just like yours.

I went on to have another. The second wasn't quite a bad as the first, but that's because I was prepared mentally for what was coming and could start the meds in advance.

For the second I made sure I had 1yrs salary in the bank. I knew I couldn't work.

I needed DH to do everything. Everything.

Our marriage didn't survive. My youngest has ASD.

I got sterilised.

I wish I stuck with one.

I honestly wouldn't have another child in your position as horrible as it sounds. I had hg in my 1st pregnancy and was told it wouldn't be as bad the next time. That was not true. I was so sick and it was so much harder with another kid to look after. I was in and out of hospital and tried more than 5 combinations of drugs to help. I would never ever do it again. My dd hated it, I was a lousy mum for months, she used to have to go with my dh to work sometimes and just sit in his office and when she was home with me it was just tv and prepackaged food my dh left. It was a miserable 6 months. I don't regret it as I love my ds but I wouldn't do it again.

Too many variable and/or things are out with your or your OH control. Stick with one

I should add that both my children were born 2 months early due to promm caused by severe dehydration.

It should be more aibu to want another child considering my circumstances
No it shouldn't because it's not what I'm asking. The fact people keep telling me I'm not allowed a second child doesn't mean that I'm asking that question. I'm not.

We have family who live locally to the old hospital and we are able to stay with them when we're nearing the birth - DH is able to work from home and, if he did need to go in (unlikely) then his commute is only slightly longer.
DS is in nursery five days each week from 7am-6pm and he has grandparents, godparents and aunts and uncles who are willing and able to pick him up/drop him off and look after him if needed. He was never a clingy child and very independent so I DH and I have both been away at different times and he's been ok with that. I also think that the difficulty for DS for 9 months is balanced out by the benefits and joy of having a sibling. Surely it's just as bad to deny him a sibling for the rest of his life for my own comfort for a few months?

Im a bit confused by why you see this as demands on your DH, when only one of them really impacts him? I think if you get pregnant, then yes, he should cancel the holiday, it really doesn’t even compare to the sacrifices you’d be making. The rest is your choice anyway.

Oh and for what’s really fairly mild hyperemesis I have told dh I can’t do the morning childcare drop off before days I go to the office, and it’s not enough to have one of our parents do that mornings drop off as I’d still have to survive getting them up and dressed and fed, it will have to be him (he’s usually gone by then). This seems 1000% reasonable to me for mild hg responding to medication, for context on how reasonable your requests are. You’re hardly pressuring him into a baby!

I work in adoption and am stunned at the comments from your agency!! Have you tried approaching a different one?

OP, looking at the points on your list I think 1 and 3 are absolutely fine.

4 I'm not so sure about based purely on practicalities (it's not an unreasonable request at all, it's just that as you were so unwell last time I'd work on the basis that there's a good chance you will be in hospital during the pregnancy itself. Would you be ok with this being at a hospital closer to you? 2 hours is a long way for visits. If so, I'd wonder whether giving birth at the hospital that has cared for you during your pregnancy might also make more sense. I definitely wouldn't rule out other hospitals at this point).

2 I think is your decision, not your DH's so also YANBU.

I know it wasn't what you asked and that others have already commented on whether pregnancy is the right choice for you. But you mention in your OP that your DH would like to go for pregnancy and that you 'think' you're prepared to do it. I have 2 DC. I had HG with the first, at the milder end of the spectrum. With the 2nd I had it again, worse (nowhere near as bad as yours, but enough to suck the life and joy out of me for 9 months and bring me to absolute despair). It tested my marriage, took me away from my other child (I still feel sad about all that time I missed), took a physical toll and when my 2nd DC finally arrived I was a shell of my former self and developed PND. I am saying all this not in an attempt to put you off. I love my second DC dearly. However, I just wanted to say please be 100% sure that you yourself want to do this, not just for DH. If you feel like you're being 'persuaded' it could be a cause of resentment later on, if the pregnancy is as difficult as the first.

I'm not sure whether you received any mental health support after your first pregnancy to give you chance to process what sounds like a deeply traumatic time. But I wondered whether that might be helpful as part of the process of coming to a firm decision, just to ensure you are 100% at peace with the decision yourself. I really hope that doesn't come across as condescending as I know that you will have already given it hours and hours of thought.

Deny him a sibling? What? You're perfectly entitled to want another child but I honestly HATE this idea that we should "provide" our firstborn with a playmate.

I’d go back to the adoption idea and approach a different local authority; the reasons you were given for being rejected are not good enough and not everywhere will be the same.

The reason why these impact DH.

1. This impact him because it's his penis.
2. These surgeries will cost thousands of pounds of our joint finances and will require me to take time off and recovery time. That will impact him greatly. I wouldn't dream of spending that amount of joint money on something just for me without his agreement - and I'd be furious if he spent thousands on himself without discussing it.
3. His holiday etc
4. He'd be driving, he'd be moving at the end, he'd be temporarily uprooting his life. Also, he has a say is where our child is born and should be comfortable with the situation and the care being given.
5. There are risks around induction (as there are with not having an induction, with c-sections, with forceps, with water births, etc etc) and those risks impact our future child. So, if it impacts his child then I'm not going to steamroll the decision, I'd like him to agree that it's the best way for us to bring our child into the world.

Your child isn't entitled to a sibling, and they very well may never be close. You are projecting your wants onto your child.

Why ask if you're not accepting any answers?

@multiplemum3

Why ask if you're not accepting any answers?

I didn't, at any stage, ask whether I'm allowed to have a second child.

O agree with a PP that the only demand in your list that is actually of your DH is actually one - that he not go on holiday. The rest are criteria that you would like in place in order to try and control your experience which after what happened the first time seem completely reasonable, including the breast reduction, it's your body not your DH's.

Also shocked at Adoption Agency's decision, how very short sighted of them.

I had HG in all my pregnancies.
DS1 was not even 2 years old when I was pregnant with DS2 (failed contraception).
It was very, very damaging for DS1 and I will always regret putting him through that. I have no doubt he was traumatised by me being so sick and incapacitated 24/7.

So you want your husband to cancel a holiday in case you get pregnant and are ill? That's about the size of it.
1 and 2 aren't demands.
4 and 5 you probably won't get anyway.
Personally, I couldn't take the risk of being absent from my child's life for over six months.