AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

No one said you had to quit your job but you’re thinking about having another child when you can barely be there for the one you already have and that’s without hospital involvement

Why is surrogacy off the table?

Yes, I would say that to a father working ft if his partner was too, and the child was in childcare for most of it's life

Why only if his partner is working? Why is ok for him to not see his child all day and want another, but it’s not OK for women to do the same?

Have you talked to your DH about this? Has he said you are being unreasonable?

@Soubriquet

No one said you had to quit your job but you’re thinking about having another child when you can barely be there for the one you already have and that’s without hospital involvement

Being a good parent and being a SAHM are not necessarily the same thing. The 1950s attitude on this thread is absurd. Children who are in childcare, statistically, do better in life (just saying). It's really none of any of your business what hours I work or whether my child is in full time education. In my entire life I've only ever met one person who was homeschooled so I'm shocked there are enough homeschooling parents to have this many comment on my thread.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Why is surrogacy off the table?

Largely because the laws around surrogacy in this country are antiquated and ill-purposed and offer no protection at all for the parents or the child and solely focus on protecting the surrogate's right to keep the child and bankrupt the parents. It's too large a risk for us. In terms of using a surrogate we know personally, we feel it would create an odd dynamic for us and it's not something we personally want. Each to their own and it's a great option for some people - just not the right one for us.

I had hyperemesis with my first pregnancy, not as bad as you, but sick multiple times a day, every day, for the whole nine months. Multiple episodes of fainting. With dc2 I felt nauseous a few times, but wasn't sick once! So there really is no guarantee it will happen again, it's just the luck of the drawer.

Oh do give over already with the 1950s approach to parenting and childcare. The majority of parents work out of home nowadays. If you don't, good for you, that's your choice, but you've got no right to tell belittle others for their choices.

@Naunet Yes, I'd say exactly the same to a father who wanted a second child whilst their first was in childcare for the majority of the time

Ahh got it! So it’s ok for a man to want a second child if he doesn’t see his first one all day, but the first one is with their mum. But it’s not ok for a man to want a second child if his wife works and the child is at nursery?! So why’s that? The problem is not being around for your child in the day, but who is providing care for them?

I had horrendous HG with my first, I lost so much weight I was skeletal.

No HG in any of my subsequent 3 pregnancies.

@Scramblerr are they not negotiable though, since your asking if you’re BU - if people here are telling you that you are does that mean you would rethink your demands or does it mean you would choose not to get pregnant again?
For what it’s worth though the only demand I think might be quite unreasonable is the hospital one - 2 hours is very far, plenty of babies arrive early. My DS was early so choosing to be induced would have been no option and on top of that he arrived within 4 hours of my waters breaking - I was only in active labour for about an hour and a half. You can’t predict labour timings so for that reason I would always go for the closest hospital. And if you’re hospitalised for sickness again you’d be a long way from your family.

• Largely because the laws around surrogacy in this country are antiquated and ill-purposed and offer no protection at all for the parents or the child and solely focus on protecting the surrogate's right to keep the child and bankrupt the parents. It's too large a risk for us. In terms of using a surrogate we know personally, we feel it would create an odd dynamic for us and it's not something we personally want. Each to their own and it's a great option for some people - just not the right one for us*

Fucking hell, that’s because those women are actual human beings, not incubators, and have their own entitlement to basic human rights. Christ the amount of casual misogyny on this thread...

Please go ahead and have number 2 if it's something you want. No two pregnancies are ever the same. You might not even experience HG second time round.
You don't want to not do it and then live wondering what if. As long as you have the right support.
All the best!!

[quote Pinkblueberry]@Scramblerr are they not negotiable though, since your asking if you’re BU - if people here are telling you that you are does that mean you would rethink your demands or does it mean you would choose not to get pregnant again?
For what it’s worth though the only demand I think might be quite unreasonable is the hospital one - 2 hours is very far, plenty of babies arrive early. My DS was early so choosing to be induced would have been no option and on top of that he arrived within 4 hours of my waters breaking - I was only in active labour for about an hour and a half. You can’t predict labour timings so for that reason I would always go for the closest hospital. And if you’re hospitalised for sickness again you’d be a long way from your family.[/quote]
They're non-negotiable for me right now - never say never, and I'm adaptable and willing to take on board what DH has to say. But, right now, I need these things.
I completely understand that they may not happen but I need to know DH is on the same page even if fate/luck disagrees. The induction is largely because I need to know that the pregnancy will end as soon as possible so if I went into early labour then it would be ok from the not being induced perspective. I just can't mentally cope with the idea of still being pregnant at 42 weeks and clinging on pregnant forever. Same with the hospital, if we go into early labour and I end up at a different hospital then I guess life happens. But the plan would be to move closer to the old hospital with a relative after around 36 weeks so that's where we'd be.

Is there no scope for reapplying to the agency? If one of their concerns was your age and one was DH weight they easily change given a bit time. If they were concerned about your job could you look for something else? It’s very sad if that avenue is closed for ever for such minor things.

I don't see how you can "demand" some of the things from DH:

1. Fair enough - it's only a few months.
2. Ok, but not sure why your husband is involved in this decision especially as you are the higher earner.
3. Will he lose money? If so why not push back your date when you try or perhaps bring it forwards if he can, or postpone the whole thing.
4. Outside of anyone's control - including yours.
5. Ditto.

Bigger question is what's the plan from both of you for looking after your DC and earning whilst you are pregnant?

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

Is there no scope for reapplying to the agency? If one of their concerns was your age and one was DH weight they easily change given a bit time. If they were concerned about your job could you look for something else? It’s very sad if that avenue is closed for ever for such minor things.

We can't apply to the same agency. They want us to be MUCH older, in our 40s, like most adopters are. DH is a healthy weight and in great shape. He would be medically unhealthy if he had a healthy BMI. They had no issue with my job, they had an issue with DH being the "main adopter" because he's a man.

Do you work from 7am to 6pm doing your childcare?

No I don't, and I've never been asked to. Why?

Some of your “demands” are not within your DHs power.
In your shoes I would accept that you have 1 child and that’s that. Even if everything you ask for was possible your child will be the one who suffers when his Mum can’t care for him because she’s too ill and some dc are quite happy as only children. I have 2 dc but DD would have been fine as an only.

Are your children homeschooled?

You realise children don't go to school for 11 hours a day, yes?

I don’t think planning a pregnancy so precisely is possible. The plastic surgery issues are surely a completely separate thing to your other demands. I think you’re being very unreasonable demanding such a list and what are you going to do if he doesn’t subsequently come good on your demands.
You’re being naive assuming giving birth at the same hospital will result in the same lovely experience. The staff will no doubt be different, the consultants will no doubt be different. No two births are the same. You might be better paying to go private. You’ll have more chance of better care.
As for putting yourself through that again, you must be bonkers, if it was that bad. Honestly I would be happy with my one child and leave it at that.

A very odd thread overall, from the OP onwards! I voted 'YABU' because I think these are not demands, they are just things you need to agree on and I am not sure why you're not just having a chat with him, or why you don't already know what he thinks on nearly all these issues.

Have you thought through what would happen if you had twins?

Have you thought through what would happen if you have a really awful pregnancy and your kids don't get on, or Child 2 has special needs which makes that dynamic difficult? (It is possible, especially if they feel any pressure from you that you went through a horrible pregnancy just for child 1 to have child 2 as a sibling).

@TillyTopper

I don't see how you can "demand" some of the things from DH:

1. Fair enough - it's only a few months.
2. Ok, but not sure why your husband is involved in this decision especially as you are the higher earner.
3. Will he lose money? If so why not push back your date when you try or perhaps bring it forwards if he can, or postpone the whole thing.
4. Outside of anyone's control - including yours.
5. Ditto.

Bigger question is what's the plan from both of you for looking after your DC and earning whilst you are pregnant?

1. Because we share finances and it's a lot of money to spend without his agreement.
2. Not if he pulls out now, but he would lose money if he pulls out in a few months (which is why I'd rather not wait and see if we're pregnant before pulling out because then he would lose money).

DH works from home and can do the pick up and drop off if needed, we also have grandparents, godparents, aunts and uncles who are willing to help. We have a large, supportive friend group and really great families (with the exception of MIL who isn't involved in anyone's lives at all). I'm able to work from home (or hospital) if needed and that's what I did partially during my last pregnancy. I also have good sick pay so can take almost six months off fully paid. DH's employers are very supportive and family-oriented and gave him a lot of time off fully paid during the last pregnancy (almost three months during the pregnancy and he had ten weeks off after the birth too). We have sufficient savings for anything that goes wrong with income.

Op, do you really want another child? This reads like you’re doing it to please your husband, like some form of favour that you want paying for.

You need to want a baby for you. And if this was you wanted the baby there would be no demands. I assume if he says no, you simoly won’t have another child?

They're non-negotiable for me right now - never say never, and I'm adaptable and willing to take on board what DH has to say. But, right now, I need these things.

If this is the case I'm not sure why you're asking if YABU. If you're not open to people querying them, why ask the question?