AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

I'm confused. I've lived in England almost my entire life, I was educated here, I was a teacher for a while. Children don't usually start school at 3 - private or not. Where is that coming from?

No they start educational nurseries at 3. Then generally school at age 4 or 5. If you want to send them to nursery before that as child care, they are usually privately run. So when you said he was in nursery from 7am till 7pm, obviously people would come to the conclusion you have a child under 3.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You didn't ask how old he is. You asked whether he goes to school. You were told multiple times and got angry that you couldn't figure out from being explicitly told. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER? Are you malfunctioning?!

No first you said nursery, then you said PREP school where they can attend from age 1-9, you realise that's not you telling me wether he's in nursery or not? That's just you stating that he's in prep school. You mist realise when you said he was in nursery people would think, hmm full time nursery 7am till 6pm must be private nursery so he's probably under 3.

Maybe give it a rest now, I don't think anyone is as invested as you are in the ins and outs of this particular detail and it's getting weird now...

^I just know there's a decent chance he'll turn around one day and say he would've loved a sibling and if my response is that I was too self-centred to give him one then that's not ok.

I'm confused what your issue is with my quote - that you're allowed to shame me because you didn't give yours up?^

That's what you said to me. I appreciate it's an emotive subject and I've been there, but please try to think because you tar everyone with the same brush.

@Doubletrouble99

I'm sorry if I'm repeating something others have brought up, I haven't read all 13 pages. Anyway we adopted so have some idea about the system. Firstly you can easily go to another agency who cover your area and ask them to take you on. i would however question your HD's commitment to adoption if he won't even consider using his paternity leave when a venerable we sole arrives in your home. They need all the support they can get from both of you. I'd also suggest your DH could show willing by losing a few pounds just to satisfy their concerns. Any agency really wants to satisfy itself that you are completely committed to adoption and won't get pregnant and drop out for instance so that may have some baring on their reluctance regarding your age. You could get a report from the hospital you gave birth at or from your GP stating why you feel getting pregnant again isn't an option you want to take. Can I also say adopting from abroad makes no difference at all, you still have to be assessed by a local agency just as you were for a UK adoption. Good luck with everything.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. DH was planning to take all the adoption leave and spend a year at home - the adoption agency didn't like that and said a young baby (that we were hoping for) needs a mother in a heterosexual couple to be at home. We've been in the adoption process for over a year now and it's one problem after another. We could change DH's weight but they'd come up with another problem - it's been that way the whole way through. We've looked at other agencies but it's unlikely to be approved for a good while and, truthfully, DH in particular has lost faith in them to actually progress at all.

And if he goes on this holiday every year and you want a close gap between children then it's not unreasonable to ask that he cancels. Otherwise all the rest of your points in your OP are perfectly reasonable.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You're absolutely right. I'll quit my job, DH can quit his and we'll live on the street and spend loads of time together.

Or one of you could cut back your hours a bit so your child can be with his parents a bit more, and you could stop being over dramatic about everything everyone says.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@MIC2689

^I just know there's a decent chance he'll turn around one day and say he would've loved a sibling and if my response is that I was too self-centred to give him one then that's not ok.

I'm confused what your issue is with my quote - that you're allowed to shame me because you didn't give yours up?^

That's what you said to me. I appreciate it's an emotive subject and I've been there, but please try to think because you tar everyone with the same brush.

I think we've crossed wires here. My point was that you DON'T appear to be shaming me but the way the quote is placed is as if you disagree with it. So, if you're not shaming me then I'm confused why you have an issue with me saying people who chose to give up their career shouldn't shame me for not giving mine up.

Maybe give it a rest now, I don't think anyone is as invested as you are in the ins and outs of this particular detail and it's getting weird now...

No one else needs to be as invested. I'm just explaining to the OP why her posts didn't make sense because she seems to be struggling, but to be honest it's like banging my head off a brick wall, and she's just getting herself worked up into a tizzy, so in answer to your OP, yes I think yabu.

This thread is so weird

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Maybe give it a rest now, I don't think anyone is as invested as you are in the ins and outs of this particular detail and it's getting weird now...

No one else needs to be as invested. I'm just explaining to the OP why her posts didn't make sense because she seems to be struggling, but to be honest it's like banging my head off a brick wall, and she's just getting herself worked up into a tizzy, so in answer to your OP, yes I think yabu.

I'm not in a tizzy - this is just a really weird way to be harassed by someone. Repeatedly asked the same, irrelevant question and then have someone insist you haven't answered when you have. Have you been drinking or are you always like this?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Maybe give it a rest now, I don't think anyone is as invested as you are in the ins and outs of this particular detail and it's getting weird now...

No one else needs to be as invested. I'm just explaining to the OP why her posts didn't make sense because she seems to be struggling, but to be honest it's like banging my head off a brick wall, and she's just getting herself worked up into a tizzy, so in answer to your OP, yes I think yabu.

You sound much more worked up than her... maybe time to knock it on the head.

Because you suggested that you can only have a career by working the hours you do when that's not true. That was my point. And that having one child is not detrimental to the child (whether by choice or not) and it's certainly not self centred to decide you can't do pregnancy again (whatever the reasons).

I'm not in a tizzy - this is just a really weird way to be harassed by someone. Repeatedly asked the same, irrelevant question and then have someone insist you haven't answered when you have. Have you been drinking or are you always like this?

Ok OP, you win. I've been harassing you. Jesus! You might think it's irrelevant but I've explained why it's not really irrelevant.

You sound much more worked up than her... maybe time to knock it on the head.

Hmm, I'm not the one shouting.

I would try and ignore the comments about being a working mum if possible. Your tone is a bit abrasive which is probably getting some posters backs up, not your issue though.

I actually get where you’re coming from. You like to be in control, make decisions and know as many outcomes in advance.

Sadly pregnancy and birth isn’t always a great combo with that personality type (no judgement, I’m very similar and found it really hard).

I would rule out adoption for that reason, there are just so many variables that you can’t foresee. Having another child seems much more suitable if you really can cope with the sickness again. It also means you can get some MH support without being worried it will affect your application. I’m a bit believer in CBT and it’s been a godsend for me both during the pregnancy and after the birth.

Those demands are fine. Again lots of women feel comfortable with their post baby bodies and think breast reduction is an unnecessary luxury. Their opinion doesn’t matter though. A ski trip isn’t much to ask him to give up.

Nor is the inconvenience of a longer hospital drive (I did the same and stayed at the same but 20 min further hospital after we moved house vs relocating and getting different care).

The only thing I would think really carefully about is the impact on your son. Sounds like you have a heap of partner and family support which is great and supportive workplaces. You know him better than anyone else so if you’re confident it won’t affect him go for it.

Sorry but I don't think you should demand a tummy tuck at all or your dh to give up his holiday, but boobs if they are causing you issues definitely, but you sound extremely selfish and all about your wants and needs you don't even seem to put you current child first at all, yes you may have tons of family to help if you end up in hospital again but are you really prepared not to see them for 7 months if you end up in hospital again since possibility no visitors in hospitals, regarding the adoption process 1 of the main things would have been that your child does 55 hours a week at nursery which is crazy for a young child and an adopted one would need a good year of extra loving care to feel settled and loved not dumping them 11 hours a day in childcare

Oh and induction and waiting till September are not deal breakers. I was induced at 39+3. Best decision I made after getting an epidural

Gosh obsessed much @Iminaglasscaseofemotion ? I've rarely seen someone go at an OP over and over on the same very irrelevant point (I disagree with your assertion that it is relevant). If you are so desperate to know the age of her child then just bloody ask. So weird

OP I had a very traumatic birth and like you, I long to give my DS a sibling but do not want to be pregnant again. I have a not dissimilar list of non negotiables as we've started discussing having another child. Some of mine are a little unrealistic but I felt I had no control over anything when in labour with my first so it's really my attempt at controlling as much as I can.

Oh, and DS is at nursery 8-6 most of the week and at grandparents the same hours once a week. I'm a bloody great mum and my DS is loved and cared for deeply. Madness, some of the early comments

I agree with @Snakeprint. This is a very weird thread.

The OP asked if her demands WU. I think demand is the wrong word, I might be wrong (often am), but I think what you mean is that you’d like your husband to be absolutely with you on these points, knowing that the last two are beyond your control. But also knowing that if you are in agreement at the beginning you will be able to find the strength to go through with another pregnancy with a sense of control, regardless of what happens.

You haven’t asked whether or not you should have another child, neither have you asked for a discussion about your career or hours of work.

You didn’t ask for a discussion of the finer points of when nursery stops and school begins, as —interesting— weird as that was. I’ve certainly been enlightened.

I think YANBU.

@VanceRefridgeration, again not sure I'm the one who is obsessed when I'm just answering posts quoting me or directed at me . You don't have to agree that ots relevant. That's how life works. We don't all agree on things. Shocking as it is to some.

@VanceRefridgeration

Gosh obsessed much *@Iminaglasscaseofemotion* ? I've rarely seen someone go at an OP over and over on the same very irrelevant point (I disagree with your assertion that it is relevant). If you are so desperate to know the age of her child then just bloody ask. So weird

OP I had a very traumatic birth and like you, I long to give my DS a sibling but do not want to be pregnant again. I have a not dissimilar list of non negotiables as we've started discussing having another child. Some of mine are a little unrealistic but I felt I had no control over anything when in labour with my first so it's really my attempt at controlling as much as I can.

Oh, and DS is at nursery 8-6 most of the week and at grandparents the same hours once a week. I'm a bloody great mum and my DS is loved and cared for deeply. Madness, some of the early comments

You put that beautifully by the way .

Anyone else feel like we've reached the SHE CANCELLED THE CHEQUE stage of the nursery/school debate?!

Also, don't you think if you did have to go into hospital again, you would miss your child and they would miss you OP? I doubt by September that hospitals will be functioning normally again, and visitors certaiy won't have 24/7 access by the end of this year. I also don't think you will be able to saunter in and out as you please this time around.
I find it odd that that isn't at the forefront of your mind at the moment, rather than worrying about tummy tucks and your husbands skiing holiday.
I actually don't really think your list is that unreasonable, but it's strange that those are the only things on your list.