AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

Framing anything as a demand in a marriage is not the way to go.

I think you are being entirely reasonable. The pp saying just don’t have any more children - how insensitive can you be. This is something that you want as a family, and you have spent time realistically exploring your options. I have so much respect for you, and I really hope this works out for you ☺️💕

Honestly, I'd stick to one child and book in to have your cosmetic surgery.

Your 'demands' aren't particularly unreasonable imo. Even the ski holiday one that seems unreasonable at face value may really be about feeling afraid of the idea of being left alone during a (possibly) very difficult time.

Are you absolutely certain that you want to do this? You personally I mean, not you and DH. Have you both discussed the idea of termination if another pregnancy has too great a negative impact on you and your family?

I'm not trying to dissuade you, I had a smooth(ish) second many years after horrific HG with my first. It's only that it sounds like there is, quite fairly, some heavy emotional baggage left over from your first and I hope you're feeling clear about it all.

This makes no sense.

I'm really sorry you had such an awful time. You say you are not asking whether YABU about having another baby.

But honestly, you do need to think of the impact on your existing DC & your relationship with him, if you were to be seriously ill again.

Regarding your list, it's not linked to being pregnant, in most cases, and other than the holiday, the 'demands' don't relate to him at all.

I had HG with my second pregnancy (twins) and it was horrific. The absolute worst time of my life. If it had been during my first pregnancy I absolutely wouldn’t have had more children. I couldn’t look after my two year old and in fact couldn’t stomach the smell of her without being sick. It was an absolutely horrendous time and luckily my husband and family rallied round and took care of her, it was all very unfair on her. I still feel guilty about how little time I was able to spend with her now.

I know it must be terrible that it’s your only option for another child but I would honestly think very carefully about it. Only you know if you can cope with it

@Scramblerr

The reason why these impact DH.

1. This impact him because it's his penis.
2. These surgeries will cost thousands of pounds of our joint finances and will require me to take time off and recovery time. That will impact him greatly. I wouldn't dream of spending that amount of joint money on something just for me without his agreement - and I'd be furious if he spent thousands on himself without discussing it.
3. His holiday etc
4. He'd be driving, he'd be moving at the end, he'd be temporarily uprooting his life. Also, he has a say is where our child is born and should be comfortable with the situation and the care being given.
5. There are risks around induction (as there are with not having an induction, with c-sections, with forceps, with water births, etc etc) and those risks impact our future child. So, if it impacts his child then I'm not going to steamroll the decision, I'd like him to agree that it's the best way for us to bring our child into the world.

Does that mean that you are not going to have sex until September? You didn't say. Whole other question.

Joint seems to be the key word, so it's not a demand, is it?

Really? Unless you were going to give birth in a war zone or deprive your child of nationality you are the patient and you get to decide. It's nice if you agree, but it's not a demand.

Perhaps you should both listen to doctors.

You are thinking about this the wrong way. Why are you making demands rather than having a conversation? Why wouldn't he be volunteering to cancel the ski holiday, for example?

I had HG like you the 1st time I was pregnant right up until the day he was born by csection, I've gone on to have 2 more children the horrendous 9months massively outweighs the life I wanted which is full of love for my children, 2nd pregnancy wasn't as bad as the 1st but the 3rd was pretty much the same.
I can't even remember the sickness now when I look back it's nothing in comparison to having my kids and I'm so glad I did it again, both times.

Just wanted to say @Pumpkinstace - . That sounds really hard to go through, I am so sorry.

5. There are risks around induction (as there are with not having an induction, with c-sections, with forceps, with water births, etc etc) and those risks impact our future child. So, if it impacts his child then I'm not going to steamroll the decision, I'd like him to agree that it's the best way for us to bring our child into the world

OP, you talk about yourself like some kind of broodmare, it’s really weird.

@ShagMeRiggins

I’m absolutely agog at the reasons for the adoption agency’s refusal.

I have no answers for you, but best wishes.

Me too!

The only one that really impacts your husband is the holiday and when you want to conceive.
For the holiday it is unreasonable to get him to cancel now considering it is already booked and you were obviously okay with it before. You might not get pregnant by then and you might now have HG to cancelling the holiday before even TTC seems like you are jumping a few steps ahead.
In terms of wanting to conceive in September, you are allowed to have a preference in when you start, there is no guarantee that is when you will actually conceive. Wanting to qualify for additional mat leave pay seems like a reasonable concern and worth pushing ttc for 3 months.

Things like giving birth 2 hrs away I'm not sure you have really thought through. Will you be registered there for the care during your pregnancy and therefore be driving 4 hrs total for appointments, or will you be switching at the end only?

We would like a second child - it's really not an absurd concept

No but it's really not an absurd concept for people to think you're not that arsed about having a second child since it apparently depends on your husband agreeing to you getting a boob job, cancelling his holiday when you might not even be pregnant, and driving two hours away to a specific hospital.

Most people who actually want a second child don't put all these demands around it?

Putting the demands to the side which are honestly a bit strange... I don't think having another child would be the best thing to do. Mostly for the reason that you cannot guarantee you're not going to spend the next nine months in hospital.

Your second pregnancy could well be completely different to your first there's just no way to know. Your requirements are fine, if that's what works for you (and you're the one going through the pregnancy) then do it. Do what you need to do, if DH doesn't agree he doesn't get a second child does he!

You're entitled to want a second dc, and if you want to put yourself through that, good luck to you, genuinely. Your "demands" seem perfectly reasonable, though only one one them actually seems to relate to your DH.

Don't kid yourself that you're doing this for the benefit of your ds, though. It's a selfish decision that will undoubtedly affect him negatively if you end up in hospital again for many months - this is far worse for his development and wellbeing than not having a sibling. You may feel that your desire for a second child outweighs any negative impact on your ds, but don't try to pretend that you're doing it for him. It would be much better for him if you didn't bother.

I’m not sure you’re thinking clearly (and I mean that as kindly as possible). You are jumping the gun with the holiday and the distant hospital is madness. Just to let you know I had HG with my first but ‘just’ morning sickness with my second. I was sick every day but once or twice only so it felt amazing by comparison to my first.

Can you try a different adoption agency?

It's utter lunacy to have another child. The recovery from the surgeries you want are bad enough.

It strikes me as odd that the first part of your post focuses on the truly awful time you had on your first pregnancy, but the “demands” seem rather petty in comparison. Higher maternity pay, tummy tuck, no holiday. The demands about the hospital and induction aren’t really in your husbands gift are they? And you barely mentioned the effect that a second pregnancy hospitalisation would have on your first born.

OP I'm pretty shocked at people acting like having another child is irresponsible/ up for debate. Its entirely your choice. I don't think its radical to be prepared to go through this for a second child.

I actually know someone who had basically an ongoing fight with his wife because she wanted a third, after two HG pregnancies which sound very like yours. In the end he gave in, but he was like a shell of a man: she was hospitalised from four months, he had to get special dispensation to work from home to support all childcare drop offs etc, he basically did everything. At least he knew in advance, and your Dh is also going in well prepared. In his case, he was happy for a second and reluctant for a third, though they are still happily together as far as I know.

In my case, I've had a HG pregnancy (only 12 weeks) for the first time with my second. I was only really sick for a week or so then I was put on meds which massively helped, but I've still required DH to do most of the heavy lifting. I've still not been my usual self with our toddler, and so she's started waking in the night, and is much more clingy with him, all of which DH is dealing with. He is totally stepping up and not complaining but he is exhausted, doing all meals and houseworks on very disturbed sleep and that's with my having medication that is 100% working.

In your shoes, I don't think your demands are especially unreasonable. I would really prioritise doing research in advance, while you're able, into drugs - even in a few years things have improved - and into 'best practice.' You are possibly really going to need to push. Its much better to have done all that thinking in advance. There are HG threads on here v helpful for info.

I'd also think through contingency plans for childcare, and how much support you can draft in if needed. Its very unpredictable.

But in terms of an induction - my husband is very involved, and engaged, and at absolutely no point did I think a single choice I made about my pregnancy or birth had anything to do with him. He is an equal parent, but its my body. I'm having to weigh up c section or not now and basically, I'm going to be dealing with the fall out of another tear or potentially the after effects of a section and I am making that call. I don't think you should be thinking he gets to input, no matter how well meaning he is.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Catkin8

I really don't understand why you want another child when you've placed the one you've got in someone else's care for the majority of their waking hours.

Oh do fuck off. People are not bad parents because they have jobs.

This whole thing is very weird but this is the stupidest bit yet:

I also think that the difficulty for DS for 9 months is balanced out by the benefits and joy of having a sibling. Surely it's just as bad to deny him a sibling for the rest of his life for my own comfort for a few months?

You do know that plenty of siblings don't get on and lots would be much happier as an only child? Don't pretend you want a second child for any altruistic reasons.

NO way would I go through that again! But if that's what you want to do, your 'demands' are choices for which you don't need anyone's permission - except the ski trip and that's the least he can do!

I find people response here really offensive... if you want 2 children then have 2, even with pregnancy risks it is NOT selfish to want children or expand your family regardless of your medical past.

I nearly died with my first, Im classed as high risk but I was fine with my second and now on my 3rd, every pregnancy is different just because your higher risk or had a bad past experiance does not mean it will happen again.

• Barring untimely death my children will have each other far longer than they will have me in their lives, sibling relationship are EXTREAMLY important and you dont have to justify wanting to give your child that to anyone.

As for the demands 1 and 3 seem fair, the rest dont really seem in your DH control.

I chose a different hospital for 2 and 3 (one outside my county) and I think it has made a huge difference, the only thing to bare in mind is distance (for me its the same distance just the opposit direction but if its further you do need to consider the travel).