AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

@delilabell

Erm not pretending at all. Giving my opinion.

Repeated false accusations are not "opinions". There's even been a social worker comment on this thread saying that what I've experienced with the adoption rejection is why she refused to stay in that department. You can be as ignorant as you like but clearly you know nothing about it so it would make sense to not comment rather than accuse people of lying or being controlling or whatever ridiculous accusation you want to throw next because you're bored.

Why is that one poster banging on about school/nursery?! Who gives a shit?

Well, because it makes a difference. I'm also curious why the OP would say she has a child in nursery, giving everyone the impression that she has a very young child, when she actually has a school age child . She has such weird way of phrasing things.

Daphnise

That was unnecessarily cruel

I don't understand the demand for plastic surgery?

I think only you and your husband are in a position to determine whether what you're asking for is reasonable for your circumstances. I will say that as someone with a young child already, but experiencing HG for the first time, I completely understand why you would want certain plans in place. We've been bowled over by how tough it has been to juggle and without support from family we wouldn't be coping right now.

[quote Catkin8]@Naunet Yes, I'd say exactly the same to a father who wanted a second child whilst their first was in childcare for the majority of the time. [/quote]
ODFOD!

[quote Catkin8]@Scramblerr I didn't say it makes you a bad parent, it does make you a largely absent one though. As for whether your demands are reasonable, I suggest asking your DH, the person you're making the demands of. [/quote]
Using childcare so that you can work and provide for your children doesn't make you an absent parent. Why are you being so goady?

Also @BrioLover, why ask the OP why I keep banging on about school/nursery? How would she know, it seems shes incapable or reading or understanding certain things anyway, but then clearly you must struggle with that too. Why not ask me directly? An attempt at superiority?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Also *@BrioLover*, why ask the OP why I keep banging on about school/nursery? How would she know, it seems shes incapable or reading or understanding certain things anyway, but then clearly you must struggle with that too. Why not ask me directly? An attempt at superiority?

I'm the one who's incapable of reading when you're the one who repeatedly asked the same question and couldn't understand the very clear answer? You had multiple people point out to you that it was clearly answered in black and white.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Why is that one poster banging on about school/nursery?! Who gives a shit?

Well, because it makes a difference. I'm also curious why the OP would say she has a child in nursery, giving everyone the impression that she has a very young child, when she actually has a school age child . She has such weird way of phrasing things.

It makes no difference at all. How on earth does it make a difference?

@JorisBonson

I don't understand the demand for plastic surgery?

1. Breast reduction is not plastic surgery.
2. If you don't need it, then you wouldn't understand it. I'm in pain every day, surgery would fix it. So I'd like to stop being in pain.

@Daphnise Your ignorance is showing.

Sorry you're getting such bizarre and rude replies OP.

That's what it's like round here nowadays unfortunately. People reveling in trying to make someone feel like shit. You'd think they'd have better things to do really.

I don’t think you should be making demands around having a child at all. Either you want another child or you don’t. If you do then you can’t be demanding things of your husband to have one. By all means have a list of things you need his help with to support you, backing you up with wanting an induction (although for all you know you might go into labour naturally), if your trying before his holiday he is willing to cancel it if you get pregnant, even if it’s last minute. That you need him not to complain once about everything he’s needing to do with work and childcare while your pregnant, especially if you get so sick again as you need him to be strong for you, fine if he wants to complain away to others and vent but you need to know 100% of the time that’s he’s 100% happy and willing to do everything while you focus on being pregnant.

Everything else I think you need to look at realistically, including a hospital 2 hours away. Every pregnancy and baby is different. I’ve had 3 and they have all been very different pregnancies and labours. I was induced for medical reasons with my first. My 2nd shot out with no time for pain relief less than an hour after getting to the hospital which was only 5 mins drive from our house. I called my DH around 4 to say I think I’m in labour, I actually thought in early to mid stages, I had no idea I was ready to pop, by the time he got home and I got to the hospital it was 5.15 and baby arrived at 6.08. I could have gone straight home unlike the first time which was a 5 day stint, but decided to enjoy a night in hospital just me and baby.

As for cosmetic surgery, go for it, if I could I would, but it should not be as a demand to your DH for having another child.

@Scramblerr why the tummy tuck? I'm not trying to be obtuse, I just don't understand.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Why is that one poster banging on about school/nursery?! Who gives a shit?

Well, because it makes a difference. I'm also curious why the OP would say she has a child in nursery, giving everyone the impression that she has a very young child, when she actually has a school age child . She has such weird way of phrasing things.

Op referred to Prep school several times. I’m unsure what was difficult to understand but she was quite clear.

Scramblerr, you and dh have been through a lot over the past few years and it’s understandable that you want some level of control and security during your pregnancy. I don’t think that anything you have asked for is unreasonable. I would sit your dh down and have this conversation with him. He sounds a good-un and I think you will be able to work it out together.

Ya categorically nbu to:

• Want another child even though it may be difficult.
• Have a career
• Ignore unsolicited advice from anyone who doesn’t understand this.

For some reason this thread has really brought out the goady posters. And I couldn’t help but notice that so many suggested that you cut your hours/change your job/think of the dc, no-one suggested that option for your dh (the lower earner). Sometimes I despair.

[quote JorisBonson]@Scramblerr why the tummy tuck? I'm not trying to be obtuse, I just don't understand.[/quote]
Because I don't feel like myself when I look down at my body because of the excess skin that's there. A second pregnancy will make that worse and I know I'll feel even more uncomfortable in my own body. If I'm going to further damage my body with another pregnancy then I'd like the reassurance that DH and I are both committed to getting it fixed afterwards so I can feel like myself again.
Some women embrace their body changes in pregnancy, some see their excess skin and stretch marks as a symbol of what they've been through. When I see mine, it looks like someone else's body, and I don't feel happy inside it. If we, as a couple, decide to make that worse then I want to know that we, as a couple, will get that fixed.

@LuaDipa
Thank you - I agree. It's funny because I grew up in a low income household after my parents divorced. My mum worked inconsistent hours and I almost never saw her - I see my son a hell of a lot more than my mum saw me and yet, because I'm successful in my career, it's deemed that it's damaging to my family life. My mum didn't have the opportunity to get a proper education or to have a career (she had jobs but nothing linear or progressive) and no one would accuse her of harming us by not seeing us. It's weird.
I also hadn't noticed about no one suggesting DH quit his job - and you're right. How funny! Maybe I'll suggest it.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion it was a rhetorical question after being frustrated with the derailing of the thread about whether her DC is in nursery or school 

@Scramblerr agreed about private vs. NHS care in maternity - from what I can gather from friends/family it doesn't make much difference in the later stages. But if your previous consultant can see you privately and then put you on their NHS list that would be great.

Something else to consider (I'll stop chucking my thoughts at you after this!) is that you'll be prepared for the worst. So it might seem better the second time around even when it isn't in reality.

[quote BrioLover]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion it was a rhetorical question after being frustrated with the derailing of the thread about whether her DC is in nursery or school 

@Scramblerr agreed about private vs. NHS care in maternity - from what I can gather from friends/family it doesn't make much difference in the later stages. But if your previous consultant can see you privately and then put you on their NHS list that would be great.

Something else to consider (I'll stop chucking my thoughts at you after this!) is that you'll be prepared for the worst. So it might seem better the second time around even when it isn't in reality. [/quote]
Thank you - it's a good point about preparing for the worst. Fingers crossed.

I had HG in all three of my pregnancies, each pregnancy was worse than the one before. Although my starting point was 12 weeks of sickness (1) 23 weeks of sickness (2) and then throughout with hospital assistance with third.

I thought it was the general rule that HG is worse with later pregnancies.

Its your body OP but you need to consider it will be 9 months of not being able to care your first child. My third baby was not planned and it was an awful time, I don't regret it as I now love my completed family but go in to this knowing the situation and have your support network ready.

Are there not other adoption agency you can work with?

The only demand YABU on is the holiday one. Why can't you wait until January/February to start trying for another? Why does it have to be September?

Also; these 2 points....

I also think that the difficulty for DS for 9 months is balanced out by the benefits and joy of having a sibling. Surely it's just as bad to deny him a sibling for the rest of his life for my own comfort for a few months?

There's nothing wrong with "denying" him a sibling. I only have 1 and he's absolutely fine. Who's to say he'd even like his sibling or get any benefits or joy from having one? Absolutely fine to want a second child but there's no need to make out there's anything wrong with only having one, or that he's going to be in some way worse off.

Or people on this thread could stop shaming other women for having a career because they chose not to have one.

I have a career, however, luckily mine never required me to have my son in childcare for 11 hours 5 days a week from 1 years old. And just because I didn't need to do that doesn't mean I don't have a career.

However, I've been really unwell with pregnancies so I appreciate you being cautious about doing it again. Whatever you and your DH decide, good luck!

I've only read the OPs posts and the first couple of pages in full, but I'm shocked at the sexism in suggesting the OP shouldn't have a second if it means she'll be hospitalised and away from her existing child.

Many father are in the military or work away for many months in end, and rarely is it questioned if they should have children. Urgh.

For what it's worth, I risked quite serious lifelong damage and permanent mobility issues to have my babies. The desire to have a second meant that although pregnancy was painful and miserable, it needed to be done if I wanted another child (I didn't want to adopt).I get it OP, I really do.

@BrioLover, you were frustrated about a perfectly reasonable question being asked that the OP refused to answer? (I suspect being purposely obtuse)
Honestly people love to say that word derail on here don't they? That fact is, this is a public discussion forum. If someone posts something then people are going to ask for more details, or query when something doesn't add up.