AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

Yabu op.

[quote Iminaglasscaseofemotion]@BrioLover, you were frustrated about a perfectly reasonable question being asked that the OP refused to answer? (I suspect being purposely obtuse)
Honestly people love to say that word derail on here don't they? That fact is, this is a public discussion forum. If someone posts something then people are going to ask for more details, or query when something doesn't add up.[/quote]
It was answered very clearly multiple times.
"Does your child go to school or nursery?"
"He goes to school"
"Why won't you answer?"
"I did answer - you obviously didn't read it"
"I did read it"
"Then you'll know I answered"
"Why didn't you answer?"
Rinse and repeat.

I'm genuinely not sure how "he goes to prep school" is not an answer to whether or not he goes to school. Could you actually explain what was so unclear because the majority of posters here understood from "he goes to prep school" that he goes to school?

I'm the one who's incapable of reading when you're the one who repeatedly asked the same question and couldn't understand the very clear answer? You had multiple people point out to you that it was clearly answered in black and white.

Hmm, actually all you kept saying was he is in prepe school. That doesn't clear anything up. First you said nursery, then you gave the impression he's school age, that's why I asked. I'll repeat myself again for you. It does make a difference imo, because an older child can understand more why his mum wouldn't be around if you were taken into hospital for months. A younger child or nursery age child probably wouldn't, and let's face it, being in nursery 7am till 6pm he's not going to see you very often is he?Whereas an older child could probably manage to pop in to see you after 6pm.

You answered very clearly @Scramblerr and I'm still not quite sure why a poster was hellbent on getting an answer to a question they didn't ask. They could have just said "how old is your son?" and you could have chosen whether to answer or not. But they seemed more keen to keep chipping away at you for no reason! You've had a tough time on this thread and I'm not sure why some posters have gone for you the way they have. It's Friday night so maybe they've had a long, rubbish week - who knows! Uncalled for though.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I'm the one who's incapable of reading when you're the one who repeatedly asked the same question and couldn't understand the very clear answer? You had multiple people point out to you that it was clearly answered in black and white.

Hmm, actually all you kept saying was he is in prepe school. That doesn't clear anything up. First you said nursery, then you gave the impression he's school age, that's why I asked. I'll repeat myself again for you. It does make a difference imo, because an older child can understand more why his mum wouldn't be around if you were taken into hospital for months. A younger child or nursery age child probably wouldn't, and let's face it, being in nursery 7am till 6pm he's not going to see you very often is he?Whereas an older child could probably manage to pop in to see you after 6pm.

I'm now reading these posts in Carmichael's voice in Line of Duty. Relentlessly accusatory, very odd!

It was answered very clearly multiple times.
"Does your child go to school or nursery?"
"He goes to school"
"Why won't you answer?"
"I did answer - you obviously didn't read it"
"I did read it"
"Then you'll know I answered"
"Why didn't you answer?"
Rinse and repeat.

Please stop doing that, you're not good at it at all.

I don't think anyone really cares about whether the Op's child is in nursery or prep.

Saying "he goes to prep school, they can attend from ages 1-9" doesn't clear things up at all. You literally said he started attending when he was 1 and you called it nursery. You are still referring to it as nursery, It's in the OP! Which is why I was confused when you kept going on about homeschooling and then mentioned extra curriculars, hence why I asked, but all you kept saying is "he goes to prep school, they can attend from age 1-9. Fucking he'll OP, are you always so bloody cryptic?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

*It was answered very clearly multiple times. "Does your child go to school or nursery?" "He goes to school" "Why won't you answer?" "I did answer - you obviously didn't read it" "I did read it" "Then you'll know I answered" "Why didn't you answer?" Rinse and repeat.*

Please stop doing that, you're not good at it at all.

Oh my god you are obsessed! You realise OP doesn’t actually owe you any answers and it doesn’t matter what you think? Crazy.

OP sorry you have so many hard discussions ahead of you, and especially the ridiculousness of that adoption agency, it sounds so unfair. I really hope you manage to find a way through this I understand your “demands” too, though as you say your husband is very caring and supportive hopefully you are anticipating he will agree to this? Or have you not specifically discussed all the points with him? Sorry if I’ve missed that

Oh god another post from Iminaglasscaseofemotion from just between me posting? 😂

@MIC2689

The only demand YABU on is the holiday one. Why can't you wait until January/February to start trying for another? Why does it have to be September?

Also; these 2 points....

I also think that the difficulty for DS for 9 months is balanced out by the benefits and joy of having a sibling. Surely it's just as bad to deny him a sibling for the rest of his life for my own comfort for a few months?

There's nothing wrong with "denying" him a sibling. I only have 1 and he's absolutely fine. Who's to say he'd even like his sibling or get any benefits or joy from having one? Absolutely fine to want a second child but there's no need to make out there's anything wrong with only having one, or that he's going to be in some way worse off.

Or people on this thread could stop shaming other women for having a career because they chose not to have one.

I have a career, however, luckily mine never required me to have my son in childcare for 11 hours 5 days a week from 1 years old. And just because I didn't need to do that doesn't mean I don't have a career.

However, I've been really unwell with pregnancies so I appreciate you being cautious about doing it again. Whatever you and your DH decide, good luck!

Thank you for your comment. Truthfully, not waiting because we want our children to be reasonably close in age and we've wasted around a year and half trying to adopt and having our time wasted. Also because putting off TTC for a holiday seems somewhat out of proportion. DH will miss some event or another regardless of when I'm pregnant so why not this one? I'm not saying that children need siblings or will suffer without them - I'm just saying that there are two sides to this. It's very, very, very common for people to have more than one child and I'm shocked by the level of opposition to that. If you want one child then that's completely fine and great and good on you. I want more than one, so does DH. I just don't get why that's considered to be a horrible, awful, nasty, selfish thing to do - there are benefits and drawbacks. I just know there's a decent chance he'll turn around one day and say he would've loved a sibling and if my response is that I was too self-centred to give him one then that's not ok. My siblings are very important to me, and DH's are to him - different families are different but we, in our family, want more than one child and shouldn't be attacked for that. Anyone who works full time would need a minimum of 40 hours. Most people work more than 30 seconds from their childcare so that adds on time too. The vast majority of career jobs expect more than 40 hours each week. 55 hours per week including commute time is a very reasonable amount of work for a genuine career. I'm glad that your career allows you to work with your kids but mine doesn't. I'm confused what your issue is with my quote - that you're allowed to shame me because you didn't give yours up? Or that I should have given up my career even though you didn't? Thank you for your well wishes - I'm sorry your pregnancies were tough.

@Notonthestairs

I don't think anyone really cares about whether the Op's child is in nursery or prep.

Hang on, I though the child had been in prep school since he was 1? And no, I don't particularly care, I'm more invested in the fact the OP seems to think she is giving information when she actually isn't. I also do think it matters to the situation.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I'm the one who's incapable of reading when you're the one who repeatedly asked the same question and couldn't understand the very clear answer? You had multiple people point out to you that it was clearly answered in black and white.

Hmm, actually all you kept saying was he is in prepe school. That doesn't clear anything up. First you said nursery, then you gave the impression he's school age, that's why I asked. I'll repeat myself again for you. It does make a difference imo, because an older child can understand more why his mum wouldn't be around if you were taken into hospital for months. A younger child or nursery age child probably wouldn't, and let's face it, being in nursery 7am till 6pm he's not going to see you very often is he?Whereas an older child could probably manage to pop in to see you after 6pm.

I'll say it again because you are not paying attention.

1. HE IS IN PREP SCHOOL = HE IS IN SCHOOL.
2. I AM NOT AND NEVER HAVE ASKED YOUR OPINION ON WHETHER OR NOT I AM PERMITTED TO HAVE A SECOND CHILD. I HAVE NEVER ASKED THAT. THE FACT YOU INSIST ON GIVING YOUR OPINION ON IT DOES NOT MEAN I ASKED IT.

Not sure why so many people have such a problem with asking what sort of age the OPs child is. I'm hardly obsessed I'm just answering posts directed at me now. Still don't actually have an answer though. Such a strange thread, and a weird OP.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Not sure why so many people have such a problem with asking what sort of age the OPs child is. I'm hardly obsessed I'm just answering posts directed at me now. Still don't actually have an answer though. Such a strange thread, and a weird OP.

You didn't ask how old he is. You asked whether he goes to school. You were told multiple times and got angry that you couldn't figure out from being explicitly told. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER? Are you malfunctioning?!

*I'll say it again because you are not paying attention.

1. HE IS IN PREP SCHOOL = HE IS IN SCHOOL.
2. I AM NOT AND NEVER HAVE ASKED YOUR OPINION ON WHETHER OR NOT I AM PERMITTED TO HAVE A SECOND CHILD. I HAVE NEVER ASKED THAT. THE FACT YOU INSIST ON GIVING YOUR OPINION ON IT DOES NOT MEAN I ASKED IT.*

I haven't once said wether I think you should have another child or not. Again, so weird!

Did you see my question about your dh and his holiday @Scramblerr?

In no way have I shamed you. In fact you've shamed me by saying that essentially I'm self centred by only having one, and that I don't have a career because my child hasn't needed to be in child car for 55 hours a week? Literally nothing in my post suggests you should feel shame for wanting a 2nd child, or to work the hours you do.

Well done for noting pregnancies (plural), and that I've only got one child. I had a twin stillbirth and after that decided I couldn't do any more pregnancies. Self centred though.

Just stick to one. Why would you put yourself, your DH and yourself through it?

You didn't ask how old he is. You asked whether he goes to school. You were told multiple times and got angry that you couldn't figure out from being explicitly told. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER? Are you malfunctioning?!

No first you said nursery, then you said PREP school where they can attend from age 1-9, you realise that's not you telling me wether he's in nursery or not? That's just you stating that he's in prep school. You mist realise when you said he was in nursery people would think, hmm full time nursery 7am till 6pm must be private nursery so he's probably under 3.

@MIC2689

In no way have I shamed you. In fact you've shamed me by saying that essentially I'm self centred by only having one, and that I don't have a career because my child hasn't needed to be in child car for 55 hours a week? Literally nothing in my post suggests you should feel shame for wanting a 2nd child, or to work the hours you do.

Well done for noting pregnancies (plural), and that I've only got one child. I had a twin stillbirth and after that decided I couldn't do any more pregnancies. Self centred though.

I haven't said that you shamed me, nor did I intend to shame you at all. I'm sorry if you think I did. I said "I'm not saying that children need siblings or will suffer without them - I'm just saying that there are two sides to this" and "If you want one child then that's completely fine and great and good on you. I want more than one, so does DH" and "'m glad that your career allows you to work with your kids but mine doesn't". I'm saying you do what works for you and we'll do what works for us - there's no right and wrong in it because our situations are different. You said "pregnancies" so I said "pregnancies" - I'm sorry if I've upset you.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You didn't ask how old he is. You asked whether he goes to school. You were told multiple times and got angry that you couldn't figure out from being explicitly told. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER? Are you malfunctioning?!

No first you said nursery, then you said PREP school where they can attend from age 1-9, you realise that's not you telling me wether he's in nursery or not? That's just you stating that he's in prep school. You mist realise when you said he was in nursery people would think, hmm full time nursery 7am till 6pm must be private nursery so he's probably under 3.

I'm confused. I've lived in England almost my entire life, I was educated here, I was a teacher for a while. Children don't usually start school at 3 - private or not. Where is that coming from?

I'm sorry if I'm repeating something others have brought up, I haven't read all 13 pages. Anyway we adopted so have some idea about the system. Firstly you can easily go to another agency who cover your area and ask them to take you on. i would however question your HD's commitment to adoption if he won't even consider using his paternity leave when a venerable we sole arrives in your home. They need all the support they can get from both of you. I'd also suggest your DH could show willing by losing a few pounds just to satisfy their concerns. Any agency really wants to satisfy itself that you are completely committed to adoption and won't get pregnant and drop out for instance so that may have some baring on their reluctance regarding your age. You could get a report from the hospital you gave birth at or from your GP stating why you feel getting pregnant again isn't an option you want to take. Can I also say adopting from abroad makes no difference at all, you still have to be assessed by a local agency just as you were for a UK adoption. Good luck with everything.

@Ohdobequiet

Why would you even need to ask your dh to cancel? If he’s desperate for a baby and you’re going to such lengths for one? Surely he’d be telling you he’s obviously not going...

Sorry, missed this. He probably would cancel but I feel like it needs to be explicitly clear because perhaps there's something I don't know about the importance of the trip or something. He goes every year so I can't imagine it would be a big deal to skip one but want to check first.

If you were contemplating abortion and suicide during your first pregnancy are you sure you're better prepared to carry another child to full term? What if your pregnancy experience / illness is worse? You're demands aren't unreasonable (on your husband / self) but odd and random, don't think you're got your priorities in order.