AIBU with my demands from DH?

[Scramblerr]

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

Prep school from ages 1-9 means fuck all. He could be anything from a year to 5 years old, which would still make him nursery age, anything above would be school age. Do they not differentiate in prep school? Just throw them all in together and teach them all the same thing? I doubt it.
People will automatically assume you have a young child in nursery, if you say nursery, and considering you said when he started you called it nursery, you clearly made a distinction between nursery age and school age.

delilabell

I don't believe the adoption reasons at all. I think you want to control your husband and another pregnancy will do this.

And I think you're racist.
We can all randomly accuse each other of nasty things that make no sense...

Totally makes sense. Every single reason you've given is not a reason to not be allowed to adopt.

@SunshineCake

Bloody hell. Social workers are still coming out with than shit that abuse victims becomes abusers themselves ? . So so wrong.

I don't think any of your demands are unreasonable but I would not be demanding them.

It's strange because my dad is a social worker (and a damn good one) and he had an awful childhood himself. I'm unsure why they think that someone who is abused, recognises that it's unacceptable and distances themselves from their abuser is almost certain to abuse their children (especially when they already have a child who is clearly not abused).

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Prep school from ages 1-9 means fuck all. He could be anything from a year to 5 years old, which would still make him nursery age, anything above would be school age. Do they not differentiate in prep school? Just throw them all in together and teach them all the same thing? I doubt it. People will automatically assume you have a young child in nursery, if you say nursery, and considering you said when he started you called it nursery, you clearly made a distinction between nursery age and school age.

What does this have to do with anything? If you wanted to know how old DS is then that's what you should have asked. It's entirely irrelevant anyway but don't ask one question if you want a different answer.

One adopter said in our email thread that her friend is a social worker with a different area and that our LA are very understaffed in that department and so are rejecting as many people as they can to reduce workload.

And yet, ironically, it’s the sort of tick box assessment you describe that puts social workers (such as me) off working in that field. I shadowed my adoption colleagues briefly during my time in child protection, and firmly decided I’d never apply for that role. I’m sorry you’ve had such a poor consideration of your application, it’s really not acceptable.

@delilabell

delilabell

I don't believe the adoption reasons at all. I think you want to control your husband and another pregnancy will do this.

And I think you're racist.
We can all randomly accuse each other of nasty things that make no sense...

Totally makes sense. Every single reason you've given is not a reason to not be allowed to adopt.

If you bothered to read the full thread, you'd know that I'm the one who'd rather continuing trying with the adoption route and DH wants to give up and conceive again. I agree with you - I think they're shitty, rubbish, awful reasons to reject someone. I also feel that way about the reasons why all the other adopters we met were rejected. I feel that way about the majority of reasons why adopters are rejected in general. I'm not sure what you want me to do about it? I'm also not sure why you think being pregnant enables me to control DH any more than already being married to him and the mother of his child and joint owner of his house? If I wanted/needed to control DH then I think a pregnancy is likely to hinder that ability, not enhance it - I'd be completely reliant on him, how would that give me more control?

@TheCrowening

One adopter said in our email thread that her friend is a social worker with a different area and that our LA are very understaffed in that department and so are rejecting as many people as they can to reduce workload.

And yet, ironically, it’s the sort of tick box assessment you describe that puts social workers (such as me) off working in that field. I shadowed my adoption colleagues briefly during my time in child protection, and firmly decided I’d never apply for that role. I’m sorry you’ve had such a poor consideration of your application, it’s really not acceptable.

Thank you - it's really tough. It's a very divided area of work in my experience. My parents both worked in that area - my dad is a social worker and care home manager and both my parents fostered throughout my childhood. There was a report into our LA recently that stated they aren't taking children away from birth families in sufficient time and that's the impression we got to be honest. They very proudly tell us that they have to consider the needs and wants of the birth parents alongside the needs of the child and I really struggled with the idea that the child should suffer abuse/neglect because their parent would be hurt by losing them. It's a tough balance.

OP sorry you're getting such a hard time here and that the thread got a bit derailed. I posted a while upthread but just wanted to add, having agreed plans in place for a second pregnancy after a bad first pregnancy is totally reasonable. As a PP said, it's trying to have some control over what otherwise you can't control (and there's nothing like HG for making you feel totally and utterly out of control!). I did the same thing with certain things, planning for the possible eventuality of another HG pregnancy with my second (childcare needed sorting, DH needed to be ready to do...well everything really, I spoke to Dr's about treatment options etc).

As someone else has said, sadly nothing can really prepare you unfortunately. You may have a perfect pregnancy, it may be disastrous. As you'll see there have been people who have had a good experience, and people who haven't. I wish you the very best though. It's very hard to long for more children and be in your position.

@happylarryharry

OP sorry you're getting such a hard time here and that the thread got a bit derailed. I posted a while upthread but just wanted to add, having agreed plans in place for a second pregnancy after a bad first pregnancy is totally reasonable. As a PP said, it's trying to have some control over what otherwise you can't control (and there's nothing like HG for making you feel totally and utterly out of control!). I did the same thing with certain things, planning for the possible eventuality of another HG pregnancy with my second (childcare needed sorting, DH needed to be ready to do...well everything really, I spoke to Dr's about treatment options etc).

As someone else has said, sadly nothing can really prepare you unfortunately. You may have a perfect pregnancy, it may be disastrous. As you'll see there have been people who have had a good experience, and people who haven't. I wish you the very best though. It's very hard to long for more children and be in your position.

Thank you. You're completely right - I'll just have to hope for the best I suppose.

Those studies you quoted, do they relate to young children in childcare for 11 hrs per day, or young children in childcare full stop? As in, potentially for morning or afternoon sessions alone, or an 8 hr day etc?

I'm very surprised at the responses on here!

Can't believe people are saying you're selfish for potentially risking leaving your son for 9 months to be hospitalised - it's 9 months, chances are you won't be in hospital the full time and even if you were your DS can visit - you're not abandoning him for a 9 month holiday!

Also at the comments about you not having time for him because you work, that's just ridiculous! Guarantee if you came on here and said you were a SAHM you would have had just as many comments telling you you shouldn't have another one when you can't work to support the one you have - take no notice, people just love to have a go!

In reply to your OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable, however, I don't really think a lot of it is down to your husband. The first point makes sense, definitely wait until September. The breast reduction/tummy tuck I think is fair enough provided that yous can afford it without being in financial difficulty. As for the hospital etc, even if your husband agrees to that and is happy to help with the driving etc, it will depend if the hospital accept you I'm sure so that one may be out with his control.

The only one I think there is wiggle room on is cancelling the holiday - if you don't start TTC until at least September there is no guarantee that you will be pregnant by February, I think it would be a bit unfair to make him cancel it now/in advance on the off chance that you might be. I also don't think it's fair to use finances as a reason when you're going to be spending thousands on a breast reduction/tummy tuck (that's not a criticism, just worth considering if it's fair to use money as a reason). If, however, you were to fall pregnant by Feb and were suffering with HG again, would your husband be able to cancel last minute, what's the cut off for him getting his money back (if he even will if it's already booked?). If it would be possible for him to get some money back I would look at the latest day he would need to cancel/postpone by and not make a decision on it until then

I think you are amazing to even consider having another pregnancy after what you went through to have your DS. You are made of strong stuff.

I have no words for the awful way you were treated by the adoption agency.

None of your demands to your DH seem unreasonable to me. You need to talk everything through with DH and plan how you will be able to manage another HG pregnancy. The priority has to be how it will affect your DS (but you already know that).

Good luck with whatever you decide!

What does this have to do with anything? If you wanted to know how old DS is then that's what you should have asked. It's entirely irrelevant anyway but don't ask one question if you want a different answer.

I asked which he was in, nursery or school because if you say gull time nursery then people will assume you have a child under 3. How weird to keep calling it nursery when he's actually a school aged child.
It does make a difference what age he is because at least if he's school age he could understand why mum was in the hospital for 8 months, and going to school and extra curriculars is completely different from a child under 3 in nursery from 7am till 6pm. So weird!

I'm so sorry you can't adopt, they are absurd reasons OP

@Lou98

I'm very surprised at the responses on here!

Can't believe people are saying you're selfish for potentially risking leaving your son for 9 months to be hospitalised - it's 9 months, chances are you won't be in hospital the full time and even if you were your DS can visit - you're not abandoning him for a 9 month holiday!

Also at the comments about you not having time for him because you work, that's just ridiculous! Guarantee if you came on here and said you were a SAHM you would have had just as many comments telling you you shouldn't have another one when you can't work to support the one you have - take no notice, people just love to have a go!

In reply to your OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable, however, I don't really think a lot of it is down to your husband. The first point makes sense, definitely wait until September. The breast reduction/tummy tuck I think is fair enough provided that yous can afford it without being in financial difficulty. As for the hospital etc, even if your husband agrees to that and is happy to help with the driving etc, it will depend if the hospital accept you I'm sure so that one may be out with his control.

The only one I think there is wiggle room on is cancelling the holiday - if you don't start TTC until at least September there is no guarantee that you will be pregnant by February, I think it would be a bit unfair to make him cancel it now/in advance on the off chance that you might be. I also don't think it's fair to use finances as a reason when you're going to be spending thousands on a breast reduction/tummy tuck (that's not a criticism, just worth considering if it's fair to use money as a reason). If, however, you were to fall pregnant by Feb and were suffering with HG again, would your husband be able to cancel last minute, what's the cut off for him getting his money back (if he even will if it's already booked?). If it would be possible for him to get some money back I would look at the latest day he would need to cancel/postpone by and not make a decision on it until then

He has until October 16th to cancel and get his money back. So, a tight window. It's not much money in the grand scheme of things - just feels like a waste.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

What does this have to do with anything? If you wanted to know how old DS is then that's what you should have asked. It's entirely irrelevant anyway but don't ask one question if you want a different answer.

I asked which he was in, nursery or school because if you say gull time nursery then people will assume you have a child under 3. How weird to keep calling it nursery when he's actually a school aged child.
It does make a difference what age he is because at least if he's school age he could understand why mum was in the hospital for 8 months, and going to school and extra curriculars is completely different from a child under 3 in nursery from 7am till 6pm. So weird!

A child in nursery could be four years and eight months right now, a child in school could be four years and eight months right now. If you assume a child in nursery is less than three then that's just you making stuff up. If you wanted to know how old DS is so you can find a way to make me evil based on his age then ask for his age. Don't ask a different question and then get angry that I answered what you asked. Call me "weird" all you want but you're really clutching at straws to sound sane here.

@Scramblerr ah I see, yeah that doesn't leave much time. If the money wouldn't be a great loss I'd be tempted to leave the holiday booked and see how things are looking in December/January. I get that it seems a waste but equally would seem a waste for him not to be able to go if by Feb you're not pregnant.

Either way though, best of luck in baby number 2! Ignore the masses of rude comments on here, the pregnancy will be worth it!

@HoboSexualOnslow

I'm so sorry you can't adopt, they are absurd reasons OP

Thank you - I agree. I'm lucky that we have the option to conceive naturally. One couple we trained with in particular were devastated when they were rejected - and there was simply nothing that could be done.

[quote Lou98]@Scramblerr ah I see, yeah that doesn't leave much time. If the money wouldn't be a great loss I'd be tempted to leave the holiday booked and see how things are looking in December/January. I get that it seems a waste but equally would seem a waste for him not to be able to go if by Feb you're not pregnant.

Either way though, best of luck in baby number 2! Ignore the masses of rude comments on here, the pregnancy will be worth it! [/quote]
Thank you - we'll see how it goes.

@Scramblerr

DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc. Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us. Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.

1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.

So, AIBU?

The whole thread sounds made up the adoption info is rubbish

Why is that one poster banging on about school/nursery?! Who gives a shit?

@Scramblerr I wonder if it might be worth having a consultation with a private obstetrician or similar about managing the HG with a second pregnancy, especially if you have since found out that the medication you were on made you vomit. Money well spent if the result is that you know there are other anti-sickness meds you can try. You might be able to request this kind of advice from the GP but I expect it'll take an age.

What has your DH said about support during a potentially awful pregnancy? Will his work allow him to be home for bedtimes and breakfasts and school runs? Is he prepared to do everything for potentially 9 months (although it sounds as though you have lots of family support which is great)?

If he is going into a potential pregnancy with open eyes and a whole-hearted 'yes whatever you need' then perhaps its something to endure in order to have your much wanted baby.

I don't envy you at all

Why would you even need to ask your dh to cancel? If he’s desperate for a baby and you’re going to such lengths for one? Surely he’d be telling you he’s obviously not going...

@delilabell Not sure why you keep posting with different, random, unsubstantiated and ridiculous reasons while pretending it's the first time you've commented.

Erm not pretending at all. Giving my opinion.

@BrioLover

Why is that one poster banging on about school/nursery?! Who gives a shit?

@Scramblerr I wonder if it might be worth having a consultation with a private obstetrician or similar about managing the HG with a second pregnancy, especially if you have since found out that the medication you were on made you vomit. Money well spent if the result is that you know there are other anti-sickness meds you can try. You might be able to request this kind of advice from the GP but I expect it'll take an age.

What has your DH said about support during a potentially awful pregnancy? Will his work allow him to be home for bedtimes and breakfasts and school runs? Is he prepared to do everything for potentially 9 months (although it sounds as though you have lots of family support which is great)?

If he is going into a potential pregnancy with open eyes and a whole-hearted 'yes whatever you need' then perhaps its something to endure in order to have your much wanted baby.

I don't envy you at all

They're just looking for things to have a go about - very odd.

I should look into that. My consultant at the last hospital was an HG specialist and she was amazing - it's why I'd like her again. I can look at a private consultation too if that's a good option. I'm cautious about going fully private because, in truth, I'm not sure if the care is that much better or more consistent.

DH is amazing. He's working from home anyway and always there for waking up and bedtimes anyway. He collects and drops off at nursery too because it's easier for him and I commute from the other direction if I'm on site. He's a work horse and, like the last pregnancy, I know I can rely on him to get things done and pick up the slack - and the fact he's suggesting another pregnancy shows he's willing to do it all again.

His work are great too - he gets really good compassionate leave options and they're very flexible. His paternity leave is great too. We're very lucky.